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<blockquote data-quote="alsih2o" data-source="post: 1679102" data-attributes="member: 4790"><p>Orchid Blossom vs. Greywolf Elm decision-</p><p></p><p>Mythago-</p><p></p><p> Good picture use overall by both.</p><p></p><p>CHAOS GATES (Graywolf-ELM)</p><p></p><p>I very much like the setting: not a lot of exposition or history of</p><p>How It Came to Be, we know there's magic and chaos, let's move on. The</p><p>story suffers terribly from a shifting and uncertain point of view. At</p><p>first, it sounds as though we're watching will on a video (a nice way</p><p>to approach it), hence the present tense and the description of things</p><p>like his grin. But then we see later that's not the case; he turns it</p><p>off once, goes on an hour and a half uneventful run while being</p><p>recorded. So either the initial scene is awkward, because it describes</p><p>Will as though he's being watched rather than from inside Will's head,</p><p>or you switched POV through the story. That also doesn't work.</p><p></p><p>The fight with the spiders is too over quickly. I don't mean that he</p><p>kills the spider fast, but that you handwaved right through the</p><p>remaining four and getting the egg sacs. There's more of that 'hurry</p><p>past this scene' compression when Will arrives at HQ; this is the</p><p>climax of the story and it just feels rushed, here's your mission,</p><p>kid, hop through. And why does Will have to carry the fish through,</p><p>anyway? According to the way you describe it, he's just leaving the</p><p>fish there. Why can't they throw the fish through? For that matter,</p><p>since Will is an artificer, why can't he make a floating bot that</p><p>works the way his DVR does, and tow it through? It seems odd that</p><p>they'd send a perfectly good Altered on a needless suicide mission.</p><p></p><p>Minor points: exposition in places that comes from an author's</p><p>viewpoint rather than flowing naturally with the text, and</p><p>abbreviations (# and HQ) where there shouldn't be.</p><p></p><p></p><p>BIRTH PANGS (Orchid Blossom)</p><p></p><p>Interestingly, another cross-world story, though of a different type</p><p>than Graywolf's. What is it with alcohol and sucking on eyeballs</p><p>anyway?</p><p></p><p>The opening scene is a nice way to set out the central problem in the</p><p>story. Unfortunately, while the author knows these are gnomes, we</p><p>don't, and all we know--several paragraphs in--is that the speakers</p><p>are not human. Later we learn they're gnomes. This is hard on the</p><p>reader who is trying to form a mental picture of the people to whom</p><p>these voices belong.</p><p></p><p>The biggest problem is that the characters never seem to SAY anything.</p><p>They sniffle, mumble, marvel, laugh, and do all kinds of little busy</p><p>work to flag who's speaking, but they don't just flat-out SAY</p><p>anything. Once in a while this works, but several paragraphs running</p><p>and it makes the characters look awfully busy.</p><p></p><p>There were a couple of plot points: why are the soldiers guarding this</p><p>gap, and why isn't there an organized uprising if the gnomes are</p><p>pulling a fast one? (That is to say, you'd expect the soldiers to send</p><p>word up and get a strike force brought in, not just rush in on their</p><p>own.) And I didn't buy the warning shot in the shoulder. That close</p><p>and with that powerful a weapon, Carowyn would be dead unless the</p><p>soldier was so nervous (and he doesn't act nervous) that he missed her</p><p>completely. Even with magical constitution, taking a high-powered</p><p>rifle shot in the shoulder and walking around well enough to tell</p><p>Jacob to fetch an herb basket really didn't ring true.</p><p></p><p>Judgment this round for ORCHID BLOSSOM.</p><p></p><p></p><p> Alsih2o-</p><p></p><p> Greaywolf- ELM- This reminds me of some of the Lobo comics my brother sends me. No “Story” so much as a walk around a world. Lobo bashes someone, talks about bounty hunting into the camera, destroys a planet. Nice, humorous light reading.</p><p></p><p> I do really like how the wardens pic is used, and the Siala art is treated well. This is entertaining but I think it falls short of shining.</p><p></p><p> Orchid blossom- I like the built in tension of waiting for enough info to realize who everyone is and what side they are on. This can be overdone easily, but for the most I think it is done pretty well here. </p><p></p><p> Great treatment on the garden gnome pic, integral to the story and well handled. It seems the eye pic inspired matching story elements again, I like to see two different treatments, but which writer do you blame? Blame the pic picker I guess.</p><p></p><p> I am also fond of how the mutation broke into an explanation of what was happening. I wish there was more of a balance for this at the end, where things were more confusing.</p><p></p><p> Judgement: Orchid blossom</p><p></p><p> Barsoomcore-</p><p></p><p> Graywolf-ELM "Chaos Gates"</p><p></p><p>There's no story here. I'm looking around, lifting up meaty paragraphs, </p><p>but I'm not seeing any sign of a story. What's Will's problem? What </p><p>does he need to do? What's he trying to accomplish?</p><p></p><p>There's a lot of world-buildy details here but none of them provide us </p><p>with any emotional pull and did I mention there's no story?</p><p></p><p>I don't really know what else to say about this. There's no story so </p><p>there's very little to comment on.</p><p></p><p>Your paragraphs are too thick and ponderous. Break them up -- it makes </p><p>my job reading MUCH easier.</p><p></p><p>Picture use is hard to comment on because while none of them relate to </p><p>the story that has more to do with the absence of any story than a </p><p>problem in the usage. Why do we find out about the car? Why do we watch </p><p>him fight the Spider Bear? Say hi to the soldiers? None of this </p><p>contributes to any sort of narrative.</p><p></p><p>Story MUST be about a change in a character. We must see a character </p><p>striving, struggling to accomplish something. If we don't get that, </p><p>we're just reading an encyclopedia entry.</p><p></p><p>Strunk and White, Rule 17: "Omit needless words"</p><p></p><p>Consider the effect on your story if we remove the following sentence:</p><p>"Will waves to the waitress for his check, in the universal sign, of </p><p>one hand flat, as if holding paper, and the other hand making a check </p><p>mark on it."</p><p></p><p>As far as I can see, there's no effect whatsoever. So delete that </p><p>sentence. It is composed of needless words. Also remove the comma after </p><p>"sign".</p><p></p><p>The big problem, of course, is that since there's no story, it's </p><p>impossible to determine which words are needless. Or rather, it appears </p><p>that they're all needless.</p><p></p><p>Tell me a story.</p><p></p><p>But thanks for this. There's some great world details in here and this </p><p>would make a very fun campaign setting, I reckon.</p><p></p><p></p><p>orchid blossom "Birth Pangs"</p><p></p><p>Whoa. How'd you do that?</p><p></p><p>K. Let's see.</p><p></p><p>Picture use? Five pictures, none of which could be removed from the </p><p>story. Well, maybe the first one was a bit of a throwaway but I reckon </p><p>that opening scene is sufficiently important. Check.</p><p></p><p>Characterization? Carowyn, Jacob, Steven and Erica. All distinct, all </p><p>real, all sketched in quick details. Check.</p><p></p><p>Story? Saving the world of magic from bad insensitive humans. I think. </p><p>Doesn't matter, it ends happily. Check.</p><p></p><p>Style? It's sparse but I'll take economy over flashy any day. You </p><p>accomplish quite a bit in 2400 words, I have to say. Check.</p><p></p><p>One might wish for a little more oomph to the emotions, something a </p><p>little more personal to Carowyn's struggle. I'd enjoy the story more if </p><p>I saw her making sacrifices for what she wants. Or else being immensely </p><p>clever.</p><p></p><p>Nevertheless, a fine story.</p><p></p><p>One question: given that the car is illustrated as possessing racks of </p><p>"gas globes", why the decision to have Carowyn sit in the back seat and </p><p>toss other globes out the window? It just seemed strange and sort of </p><p>took away from the purpose of the racks. Surely if you had to throw </p><p>globes out the window anyways, you wouldn't go to the trouble of </p><p>building special-purpose weapon racks? Maybe it's just me. But it </p><p>bugged me. A little.</p><p></p><p>Work on your action scenes. Both the careen of the car and the attack </p><p>of the Spider Bear required re-reads on my part. Remember that people </p><p>tend to read the first and last sentences of a paragraph in order to </p><p>figure out if they need to read it at all. If you bury important </p><p>details (like "the Spider Bear ATE the soldier") in the middle of your </p><p>paragraphs you make it harder for your reader to follow the action.</p><p></p><p>"This time Carowyn felt a rumbling through the ground just before she </p><p>saw it." This time? When was the previous time? I didn't get that.</p><p></p><p>A very good story. Thank you.</p><p></p><p></p><p>Judgement: orchid blossom</p><p></p><p> Decision: Orchid Blossom 3-0, see you next round.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="alsih2o, post: 1679102, member: 4790"] Orchid Blossom vs. Greywolf Elm decision- Mythago- Good picture use overall by both. CHAOS GATES (Graywolf-ELM) I very much like the setting: not a lot of exposition or history of How It Came to Be, we know there's magic and chaos, let's move on. The story suffers terribly from a shifting and uncertain point of view. At first, it sounds as though we're watching will on a video (a nice way to approach it), hence the present tense and the description of things like his grin. But then we see later that's not the case; he turns it off once, goes on an hour and a half uneventful run while being recorded. So either the initial scene is awkward, because it describes Will as though he's being watched rather than from inside Will's head, or you switched POV through the story. That also doesn't work. The fight with the spiders is too over quickly. I don't mean that he kills the spider fast, but that you handwaved right through the remaining four and getting the egg sacs. There's more of that 'hurry past this scene' compression when Will arrives at HQ; this is the climax of the story and it just feels rushed, here's your mission, kid, hop through. And why does Will have to carry the fish through, anyway? According to the way you describe it, he's just leaving the fish there. Why can't they throw the fish through? For that matter, since Will is an artificer, why can't he make a floating bot that works the way his DVR does, and tow it through? It seems odd that they'd send a perfectly good Altered on a needless suicide mission. Minor points: exposition in places that comes from an author's viewpoint rather than flowing naturally with the text, and abbreviations (# and HQ) where there shouldn't be. BIRTH PANGS (Orchid Blossom) Interestingly, another cross-world story, though of a different type than Graywolf's. What is it with alcohol and sucking on eyeballs anyway? The opening scene is a nice way to set out the central problem in the story. Unfortunately, while the author knows these are gnomes, we don't, and all we know--several paragraphs in--is that the speakers are not human. Later we learn they're gnomes. This is hard on the reader who is trying to form a mental picture of the people to whom these voices belong. The biggest problem is that the characters never seem to SAY anything. They sniffle, mumble, marvel, laugh, and do all kinds of little busy work to flag who's speaking, but they don't just flat-out SAY anything. Once in a while this works, but several paragraphs running and it makes the characters look awfully busy. There were a couple of plot points: why are the soldiers guarding this gap, and why isn't there an organized uprising if the gnomes are pulling a fast one? (That is to say, you'd expect the soldiers to send word up and get a strike force brought in, not just rush in on their own.) And I didn't buy the warning shot in the shoulder. That close and with that powerful a weapon, Carowyn would be dead unless the soldier was so nervous (and he doesn't act nervous) that he missed her completely. Even with magical constitution, taking a high-powered rifle shot in the shoulder and walking around well enough to tell Jacob to fetch an herb basket really didn't ring true. Judgment this round for ORCHID BLOSSOM. Alsih2o- Greaywolf- ELM- This reminds me of some of the Lobo comics my brother sends me. No “Story” so much as a walk around a world. Lobo bashes someone, talks about bounty hunting into the camera, destroys a planet. Nice, humorous light reading. I do really like how the wardens pic is used, and the Siala art is treated well. This is entertaining but I think it falls short of shining. Orchid blossom- I like the built in tension of waiting for enough info to realize who everyone is and what side they are on. This can be overdone easily, but for the most I think it is done pretty well here. Great treatment on the garden gnome pic, integral to the story and well handled. It seems the eye pic inspired matching story elements again, I like to see two different treatments, but which writer do you blame? Blame the pic picker I guess. I am also fond of how the mutation broke into an explanation of what was happening. I wish there was more of a balance for this at the end, where things were more confusing. Judgement: Orchid blossom Barsoomcore- Graywolf-ELM "Chaos Gates" There's no story here. I'm looking around, lifting up meaty paragraphs, but I'm not seeing any sign of a story. What's Will's problem? What does he need to do? What's he trying to accomplish? There's a lot of world-buildy details here but none of them provide us with any emotional pull and did I mention there's no story? I don't really know what else to say about this. There's no story so there's very little to comment on. Your paragraphs are too thick and ponderous. Break them up -- it makes my job reading MUCH easier. Picture use is hard to comment on because while none of them relate to the story that has more to do with the absence of any story than a problem in the usage. Why do we find out about the car? Why do we watch him fight the Spider Bear? Say hi to the soldiers? None of this contributes to any sort of narrative. Story MUST be about a change in a character. We must see a character striving, struggling to accomplish something. If we don't get that, we're just reading an encyclopedia entry. Strunk and White, Rule 17: "Omit needless words" Consider the effect on your story if we remove the following sentence: "Will waves to the waitress for his check, in the universal sign, of one hand flat, as if holding paper, and the other hand making a check mark on it." As far as I can see, there's no effect whatsoever. So delete that sentence. It is composed of needless words. Also remove the comma after "sign". The big problem, of course, is that since there's no story, it's impossible to determine which words are needless. Or rather, it appears that they're all needless. Tell me a story. But thanks for this. There's some great world details in here and this would make a very fun campaign setting, I reckon. orchid blossom "Birth Pangs" Whoa. How'd you do that? K. Let's see. Picture use? Five pictures, none of which could be removed from the story. Well, maybe the first one was a bit of a throwaway but I reckon that opening scene is sufficiently important. Check. Characterization? Carowyn, Jacob, Steven and Erica. All distinct, all real, all sketched in quick details. Check. Story? Saving the world of magic from bad insensitive humans. I think. Doesn't matter, it ends happily. Check. Style? It's sparse but I'll take economy over flashy any day. You accomplish quite a bit in 2400 words, I have to say. Check. One might wish for a little more oomph to the emotions, something a little more personal to Carowyn's struggle. I'd enjoy the story more if I saw her making sacrifices for what she wants. Or else being immensely clever. Nevertheless, a fine story. One question: given that the car is illustrated as possessing racks of "gas globes", why the decision to have Carowyn sit in the back seat and toss other globes out the window? It just seemed strange and sort of took away from the purpose of the racks. Surely if you had to throw globes out the window anyways, you wouldn't go to the trouble of building special-purpose weapon racks? Maybe it's just me. But it bugged me. A little. Work on your action scenes. Both the careen of the car and the attack of the Spider Bear required re-reads on my part. Remember that people tend to read the first and last sentences of a paragraph in order to figure out if they need to read it at all. If you bury important details (like "the Spider Bear ATE the soldier") in the middle of your paragraphs you make it harder for your reader to follow the action. "This time Carowyn felt a rumbling through the ground just before she saw it." This time? When was the previous time? I didn't get that. A very good story. Thank you. Judgement: orchid blossom Decision: Orchid Blossom 3-0, see you next round. [/QUOTE]
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