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<blockquote data-quote="alsih2o" data-source="post: 1680133" data-attributes="member: 4790"><p>Rodrigo Istilandir vs. RPGgirl</p><p></p><p> Barsoomcore-</p><p></p><p>RPGgirl "The Touch of a Fairy"</p><p></p><p>Well, well. The comeuppance of a sulky SCA reject. Hee.</p><p></p><p>Okay, you've got sulky SCA rejects, fairies, mammoths and big stompy </p><p>monsters. You're doing pretty well with me at this point.</p><p></p><p>Your opening could use work. That first section doesn't really set me </p><p>up for anything. If it's meant to be about Dale's anger with Tom (which </p><p>I think it should), then all the stuff with forgetting the flashlight </p><p>yada yada yada should be dropped. It reduces the impact of the Tim's a </p><p>petty tyrant stuff.</p><p></p><p>Dale does seem to take the sudden appearance of a fairy and a her </p><p>loyal, er, MAMMOTH, rather well. There's some laziness in your prose:</p><p></p><p>"Dale watched as suddenly a high pitched voice filled the cave." -- </p><p>what exactly did he watch? Drop the first four words and you have a </p><p>much better sentence that gives me what I need to know without wasting </p><p>my time with "filler" text.</p><p></p><p>"without a flashlight or sunlight" -- this construction makes it seem </p><p>like Dale ought to be held responsible for not bringing his own </p><p>sunlight. Be careful that your list items agree with one another.</p><p></p><p>The mammoth is named Winston. Okay, I spent the rest of the story with </p><p>a smile on my face. Winston. Hee.</p><p></p><p>"“And to show I am not caring,” she tinkled" -- obviously you meant </p><p>"uncaring" just then. And to me, "tinkling" will always be a euphemism </p><p>for "urinated" Which is entirely the wrong image.</p><p></p><p>One of the problems with this story is that we don't feel like Dale </p><p>kind of deserves it. These cautionary tales on the dangers of Fairies </p><p>need to illustrate a fundamental character flaw (or moral failing) and </p><p>show how it leads to disaster. I know what Dale's flaw is: he's a </p><p>petty, vindictive little snot. But I don't know that until he falls </p><p>asleep and has his dreams -- and by then the Fairy Queen (and Winston) </p><p>have already left, promising him what he wants. Too late.</p><p></p><p>These stories work on a sort of "Heh, heh, heh," principle. When the </p><p>Fairy Queen says, "You will see," I ought to be thinking to myself, </p><p>"Heh, heh, heh. Poor old Dale is in for it now." Instead, I'm waiting </p><p>to see what she means. Which isn't quite what you want, I think.</p><p></p><p>The story motorvates through the next day quite well. I didn't get why </p><p>Dale took his shirt off (I mean, sure, in any action movie the hero </p><p>ends up shirtless (insert pithy comment on the homoerotic content of </p><p>action movies here)), and so that picture seemed like a throwaway, but </p><p>the image of the wicker man stomping suburban... wherever we are... was </p><p>great.</p><p></p><p>And the final bit, with the petty tyrant Tim giving the speech, was </p><p>good. It should have been funnier, is all. Does Tim actually feel bad? </p><p>Or is he just saying what tradition demands? I'd like to see it a </p><p>little more "over the top" if you know what I mean.</p><p></p><p>Good story, though. Thanks.</p><p></p><p></p><p>Rodrigo Instalindir "Caveat Emptor"</p><p></p><p>I'll say it here and now: Give me more stories about Kylo Krumboldt. </p><p>Here's a character with a future. You can never have too many sly, </p><p>ruthless, charming rogues.</p><p></p><p>The setting is well-defined and presented, and the opening paragraphs </p><p>give us all the details we want, nothing we don't.</p><p></p><p>"A strange scent slithered among the permanent and pervasive smell of </p><p>rotting vegetation." -- one might accuse this sentence of being, well, </p><p>overwritten just a tad. Watch out for overloading of adjectives. Choose </p><p>the right noun, and you don't need so many adjectives.</p><p></p><p>"he might be forced to take up honest work, or, God forbid, engage in </p><p>manual labor." -- Mm. This would be clearer (and I think funnier) if </p><p>instead of making a double distinction between his current activities, </p><p>honest work and manual labour, it made a single distinction between his </p><p>current activities and honest work. Adding a third item here just </p><p>dilutes the humour.</p><p></p><p>A couple of items seem to get more attention than they deserve: the </p><p>calliope and the nautical greeting. Why are we spending any time at all </p><p>on these? If they're not going to deliver anything then leave them out.</p><p></p><p>Think of "pay-off" -- your readers spend time and energy reading your </p><p>words. If those words don't pay off in some fashion -- if they don't </p><p>reward the reader for spending that time and energy -- do you really </p><p>need them?</p><p></p><p>Watching Kylo bamboozle townsfolk is a real pleasure. I love this guy. </p><p>He's unstoppable. I was a little let down when he "stammered" on </p><p>switching his story in front of the angry council -- the whole "mixed </p><p>with wine" bit. Up to then he'd seemed like a guy who could breeze over </p><p>such a trifle without too much difficulty.</p><p></p><p>One of the things that's fun about a story like this is watching the </p><p>protagonist outwit every obstacle that's placed in his path. This story </p><p>by and large does a pretty good job of that, but there's one bit that </p><p>confuses me: what did Kylo expect to happen with the wicker man? If </p><p>he'd meant to slip away while the town was watching the "fight" that </p><p>wasn't made clear. It comes across as a stupid plan since the wicker </p><p>man is obviously going to fail to defeat the beast. Which is </p><p>disappointing. But the attack on his wagon is good fun, as are the two </p><p>reversals.</p><p></p><p>You could have not shown Constaro finding the glass and have him </p><p>confront Kylo with it at the end -- that would have given us a good "Oh </p><p>no!" moment and then Kylo's revelation that he'd done okay for himself </p><p>would have had even more impact.</p><p></p><p>All in all, an excellent story. Thank you.</p><p></p><p></p><p>Judgement: Rodrigo Instalindir</p><p></p><p> Alsih2o-</p><p></p><p> RPGgirl- There are some really cool points here. The Pics for this round were, I thought, rough. But the mammoth is handled pretty well and the reenactors brandishing blunt arms against a fey- that is so cool it made my head hurt!</p><p></p><p> And then Dale wiggles out of his shirt. Wow, that takes sand. And then the straw man returns, as a brute! Wow. </p><p></p><p> Now I am unsure if this was intended, but right in the middle we get this line- “Trying to think rationally…” I mean, really??? Chasing a fey in the modern world who is leading a strawman who can break trees and smash buildings. Comedy gold!</p><p></p><p> I was not surprised that Dale suddenly could fight like a lion, that is how these stories go, but I was surprised by the ending, especially with Tom still alive.</p><p></p><p> This isn’t a great story on it’s own, but facing THAT pile of pics I think this is at least an admirable job. Well played RPGgirl.</p><p></p><p> Rodrigo Istilandir- In the opening salvo Rodrigo touches all the readers senses, this works to draw me in better than just hitting me with the visuals.</p><p></p><p> The jump form Kylos entrance, which is done very well, to him packing up is a little rushed for me. Rodrigo has pictures to get to, but I was enjoying this Snake-oil Willy Wonka.</p><p></p><p> The story is not quite satisfying, I feel Kylo should have either won the day or been punished. The author has me too invested in him to see an indefinite ending. </p><p></p><p> The picture use is OK, but my favorite part has to be Kylo, here is a character I can really sink my teeth into. The story starts much stronger than it ends, I am left feeling there isn’t an even hand over the whole story even though it has very strong moments.</p><p></p><p> Judgement: RPGgirl</p><p></p><p> </p><p>THE TOUCH OF A FAIRY (RPGgirl)</p><p></p><p>The story starts out strong and menacing and, I'm sorry to say, turns</p><p>into a standard "figure out the mysterious hint and skill the monster"</p><p>adventure. We get the picture of Doug as a bitter and self-centered</p><p>guy who takes grudges easily, and we know that the fairy's gift is</p><p>probably not going to be a nice one. It seems a little odd that Doug</p><p>would go from his immediate seething to remembering high school, but</p><p>okay, it's plausible. As is the destruction of the Beltane site. It's</p><p>harder to buy the wicker man saving Jessica's house for last--if we're</p><p>going chronologically, why not his parents?--and the cataclysmic</p><p>movie-ending destruction of the cliff falling in.</p><p></p><p>The best part of this story is the fairy. Without being told she's</p><p>scary and creepy, we get a very clear sense that she is Bad News, and</p><p>that her favor to Doug is one he'll regret. Though there's no reason</p><p>other than plot forwarding that she appears in his head and gives him</p><p>a hint. And the funeral breaks up the nice touch of the sword--the</p><p>thing that started the whole mess--ending it.</p><p></p><p></p><p>CAVEAT EMPTOR (Rodrigo Istalandir)</p><p></p><p>This is a problem in a lto of Ceramic DM stories, but I'll pick on</p><p>Rodrigo: Dance with the point-of-view character what brung you. If</p><p>we've got a bird's-eye view watching a little girl walking around,</p><p>don't jump behind her eyes, then jump back out to offer an explanation</p><p>of what the kids do, and then jump back in. Shifting characters</p><p>between scenes is fine--ending the tableaux with Pirmet and then</p><p>moving on to Kylo's arrival works just peachy. But it breaks mimesis</p><p>when, say we jump from Kylo to one of the villagers watching Kylo's</p><p>wagon get torn up.</p><p></p><p>Other than that, there are a lot of somewhat tired descriptions:</p><p>pungent aroma, backwater burg, solitary figure. Nix these. The similes</p><p>and metaphors work better (from the point of view of a small child,</p><p>"it smelled like the family dog..." was perfect), or alternatively,</p><p>stick to strong nouns and telling us about it once. We get the idea.</p><p></p><p>Kylo's arrival in the small town is hilarous, and perfectly suited to</p><p>a travelling carnyman going from one place to the next when they all</p><p>seem to run together after a while. It's a nice tale of a trickster</p><p>getting punished for his trickery (although, like all tricksters worth</p><p>the name, he escapes only somewhat worse for the wear) and the</p><p>villagers live happily ever after.</p><p></p><p>Judgment this round for RODRIGO ISTALANDIR</p><p></p><p> Decision: Rodrigo Istilandir 2-1</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="alsih2o, post: 1680133, member: 4790"] Rodrigo Istilandir vs. RPGgirl Barsoomcore- RPGgirl "The Touch of a Fairy" Well, well. The comeuppance of a sulky SCA reject. Hee. Okay, you've got sulky SCA rejects, fairies, mammoths and big stompy monsters. You're doing pretty well with me at this point. Your opening could use work. That first section doesn't really set me up for anything. If it's meant to be about Dale's anger with Tom (which I think it should), then all the stuff with forgetting the flashlight yada yada yada should be dropped. It reduces the impact of the Tim's a petty tyrant stuff. Dale does seem to take the sudden appearance of a fairy and a her loyal, er, MAMMOTH, rather well. There's some laziness in your prose: "Dale watched as suddenly a high pitched voice filled the cave." -- what exactly did he watch? Drop the first four words and you have a much better sentence that gives me what I need to know without wasting my time with "filler" text. "without a flashlight or sunlight" -- this construction makes it seem like Dale ought to be held responsible for not bringing his own sunlight. Be careful that your list items agree with one another. The mammoth is named Winston. Okay, I spent the rest of the story with a smile on my face. Winston. Hee. "“And to show I am not caring,” she tinkled" -- obviously you meant "uncaring" just then. And to me, "tinkling" will always be a euphemism for "urinated" Which is entirely the wrong image. One of the problems with this story is that we don't feel like Dale kind of deserves it. These cautionary tales on the dangers of Fairies need to illustrate a fundamental character flaw (or moral failing) and show how it leads to disaster. I know what Dale's flaw is: he's a petty, vindictive little snot. But I don't know that until he falls asleep and has his dreams -- and by then the Fairy Queen (and Winston) have already left, promising him what he wants. Too late. These stories work on a sort of "Heh, heh, heh," principle. When the Fairy Queen says, "You will see," I ought to be thinking to myself, "Heh, heh, heh. Poor old Dale is in for it now." Instead, I'm waiting to see what she means. Which isn't quite what you want, I think. The story motorvates through the next day quite well. I didn't get why Dale took his shirt off (I mean, sure, in any action movie the hero ends up shirtless (insert pithy comment on the homoerotic content of action movies here)), and so that picture seemed like a throwaway, but the image of the wicker man stomping suburban... wherever we are... was great. And the final bit, with the petty tyrant Tim giving the speech, was good. It should have been funnier, is all. Does Tim actually feel bad? Or is he just saying what tradition demands? I'd like to see it a little more "over the top" if you know what I mean. Good story, though. Thanks. Rodrigo Instalindir "Caveat Emptor" I'll say it here and now: Give me more stories about Kylo Krumboldt. Here's a character with a future. You can never have too many sly, ruthless, charming rogues. The setting is well-defined and presented, and the opening paragraphs give us all the details we want, nothing we don't. "A strange scent slithered among the permanent and pervasive smell of rotting vegetation." -- one might accuse this sentence of being, well, overwritten just a tad. Watch out for overloading of adjectives. Choose the right noun, and you don't need so many adjectives. "he might be forced to take up honest work, or, God forbid, engage in manual labor." -- Mm. This would be clearer (and I think funnier) if instead of making a double distinction between his current activities, honest work and manual labour, it made a single distinction between his current activities and honest work. Adding a third item here just dilutes the humour. A couple of items seem to get more attention than they deserve: the calliope and the nautical greeting. Why are we spending any time at all on these? If they're not going to deliver anything then leave them out. Think of "pay-off" -- your readers spend time and energy reading your words. If those words don't pay off in some fashion -- if they don't reward the reader for spending that time and energy -- do you really need them? Watching Kylo bamboozle townsfolk is a real pleasure. I love this guy. He's unstoppable. I was a little let down when he "stammered" on switching his story in front of the angry council -- the whole "mixed with wine" bit. Up to then he'd seemed like a guy who could breeze over such a trifle without too much difficulty. One of the things that's fun about a story like this is watching the protagonist outwit every obstacle that's placed in his path. This story by and large does a pretty good job of that, but there's one bit that confuses me: what did Kylo expect to happen with the wicker man? If he'd meant to slip away while the town was watching the "fight" that wasn't made clear. It comes across as a stupid plan since the wicker man is obviously going to fail to defeat the beast. Which is disappointing. But the attack on his wagon is good fun, as are the two reversals. You could have not shown Constaro finding the glass and have him confront Kylo with it at the end -- that would have given us a good "Oh no!" moment and then Kylo's revelation that he'd done okay for himself would have had even more impact. All in all, an excellent story. Thank you. Judgement: Rodrigo Instalindir Alsih2o- RPGgirl- There are some really cool points here. The Pics for this round were, I thought, rough. But the mammoth is handled pretty well and the reenactors brandishing blunt arms against a fey- that is so cool it made my head hurt! And then Dale wiggles out of his shirt. Wow, that takes sand. And then the straw man returns, as a brute! Wow. Now I am unsure if this was intended, but right in the middle we get this line- “Trying to think rationally…” I mean, really??? Chasing a fey in the modern world who is leading a strawman who can break trees and smash buildings. Comedy gold! I was not surprised that Dale suddenly could fight like a lion, that is how these stories go, but I was surprised by the ending, especially with Tom still alive. This isn’t a great story on it’s own, but facing THAT pile of pics I think this is at least an admirable job. Well played RPGgirl. Rodrigo Istilandir- In the opening salvo Rodrigo touches all the readers senses, this works to draw me in better than just hitting me with the visuals. The jump form Kylos entrance, which is done very well, to him packing up is a little rushed for me. Rodrigo has pictures to get to, but I was enjoying this Snake-oil Willy Wonka. The story is not quite satisfying, I feel Kylo should have either won the day or been punished. The author has me too invested in him to see an indefinite ending. The picture use is OK, but my favorite part has to be Kylo, here is a character I can really sink my teeth into. The story starts much stronger than it ends, I am left feeling there isn’t an even hand over the whole story even though it has very strong moments. Judgement: RPGgirl THE TOUCH OF A FAIRY (RPGgirl) The story starts out strong and menacing and, I'm sorry to say, turns into a standard "figure out the mysterious hint and skill the monster" adventure. We get the picture of Doug as a bitter and self-centered guy who takes grudges easily, and we know that the fairy's gift is probably not going to be a nice one. It seems a little odd that Doug would go from his immediate seething to remembering high school, but okay, it's plausible. As is the destruction of the Beltane site. It's harder to buy the wicker man saving Jessica's house for last--if we're going chronologically, why not his parents?--and the cataclysmic movie-ending destruction of the cliff falling in. The best part of this story is the fairy. Without being told she's scary and creepy, we get a very clear sense that she is Bad News, and that her favor to Doug is one he'll regret. Though there's no reason other than plot forwarding that she appears in his head and gives him a hint. And the funeral breaks up the nice touch of the sword--the thing that started the whole mess--ending it. CAVEAT EMPTOR (Rodrigo Istalandir) This is a problem in a lto of Ceramic DM stories, but I'll pick on Rodrigo: Dance with the point-of-view character what brung you. If we've got a bird's-eye view watching a little girl walking around, don't jump behind her eyes, then jump back out to offer an explanation of what the kids do, and then jump back in. Shifting characters between scenes is fine--ending the tableaux with Pirmet and then moving on to Kylo's arrival works just peachy. But it breaks mimesis when, say we jump from Kylo to one of the villagers watching Kylo's wagon get torn up. Other than that, there are a lot of somewhat tired descriptions: pungent aroma, backwater burg, solitary figure. Nix these. The similes and metaphors work better (from the point of view of a small child, "it smelled like the family dog..." was perfect), or alternatively, stick to strong nouns and telling us about it once. We get the idea. Kylo's arrival in the small town is hilarous, and perfectly suited to a travelling carnyman going from one place to the next when they all seem to run together after a while. It's a nice tale of a trickster getting punished for his trickery (although, like all tricksters worth the name, he escapes only somewhat worse for the wear) and the villagers live happily ever after. Judgment this round for RODRIGO ISTALANDIR Decision: Rodrigo Istilandir 2-1 [/QUOTE]
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