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Ceramic DM Winter 07 (Final Judgment Posted)
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<blockquote data-quote="Berandor" data-source="post: 3445700" data-attributes="member: 225"><p>What are you doing here? This thread is dead – or is it?</p><p></p><p>I just had the chance to read the two final stories. Once more great work; I think I would have had some problems with an all-art round. Since the contest is long over, I won't spoiler my comments, but before I put them down let me just say that I think yangnome's idea of Short Story Smackdown has really grown on me, so much so that I refer to Ceramic DM already by that term <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite1" alt=":)" title="Smile :)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":)" /></p><p></p><p>On both stories, I was suprised they're not the usual "surprise twist" kind of stories this contest often produces. Perhaps the fairy-tale qualities came about by using art instead of pictures?</p><p></p><p><strong>Rodrigo Istalindir</strong>: I liked this story well enough, but I could have used a stronger leitmotif to guide me through. The adoption angle seemed tacked on somewhat – it's not that it shouldn't be there, but by referencing it at the end it seems as if that was the main idea of the story. If that was the case, then the story should have revolved around that angle a little more. The inclusion of the mad hermit was also somewhat disappointing. It's a "don't talk to strangers or go out alone" kind of warning, a typical lesson for a children's story, but you hint at very dark things and then don't go through with it. I'd suspect even the story as it is courts turning too scary for a young child at that point, and at the same time it's not dark enough for a mature reader.</p><p></p><p>The structure of the story was nice; I actually liked the idea of it being a bed-time tale. I, however, would have liked more father-daughter-interplay, both to frame the story even more and to break it up with a little dialogue. One other think I noticed was the resolution of the daughter turning into a comet, something that might go over the head of young children.</p><p></p><p>That said, the story did feel like a bed-side story, a tone which may have been difficult to adhere to in writing. Also, I liked the sadness running through (the lovers not able to meet, the moon giving up her child, Haley being regarded as a witch, the parents dying in the end). I think the story got more complex because of it. I also liked the idea of gravitational forces being represented by these lines, and of the sun super-lasering the bad guy away.</p><p></p><p>In the end, I think my biggest concern with this story is that it's neither a real story with a strong conflict nor a full-blown allegory, leaving me a little at a loss whether some things I noticed were deliberate strengths or accidental flaws of the piece. But it was great fun to read it. Thanks.</p><p></p><p><strong>carpedavid</strong>: I'm a sucker for tales about the power of imagination, so you had me right there. What I liked was that Da wasn't able to save her friend, i.e. the fairy magic was not real, but that she didn't give up on her world despite it. That's as close to the message I would give as you can get. One thing you did well was pull us into Esmeralda's world without us noticing it. Only at Luna's outburst did I realize what was going on.</p><p></p><p>It's difficult to write children's dialogue. In the beginning, I felt the dialogue was very good (especially the thing about Da marrying), but it did become very direct, as if you wanted to make sure it was all spelled out nicely. I didn't like the structure of the story. When you flash back, I was totally thrown and kept asking myself why this flashback was necessary; in the end, I don't it was, you could have just told the story in succession. In fact, that might have made the reveal of Esmeralda's fantasy world even more poignant.</p><p></p><p>Finally, I'm not too sure about the ending; Da decides to become a doctor, I guess, but the significance of that didn't really register with me. I was missing some reference to an older Esmeralda, perhaps. I'm not sure. All I can say is I liked the idea of her being a doctor when it first came up, and didn't really jive with it at the end.</p><p></p><p>One last thing: I keep wondering whether Esmeralda's mother (Da's Ma?) was in on the game or not; that is, whether she referred to the dog as dragon or not. It doesn't make a difference for the story, but it's still something that made me wonder.</p><p></p><p>Once more thanks to all story-posting competitors, who really made this a great contest. Next time, it'll be even better.</p><p></p><p>Because I'm gonna win. <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite1" alt=":)" title="Smile :)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":)" /></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Berandor, post: 3445700, member: 225"] What are you doing here? This thread is dead – or is it? I just had the chance to read the two final stories. Once more great work; I think I would have had some problems with an all-art round. Since the contest is long over, I won't spoiler my comments, but before I put them down let me just say that I think yangnome's idea of Short Story Smackdown has really grown on me, so much so that I refer to Ceramic DM already by that term :) On both stories, I was suprised they're not the usual "surprise twist" kind of stories this contest often produces. Perhaps the fairy-tale qualities came about by using art instead of pictures? [b]Rodrigo Istalindir[/b]: I liked this story well enough, but I could have used a stronger leitmotif to guide me through. The adoption angle seemed tacked on somewhat – it's not that it shouldn't be there, but by referencing it at the end it seems as if that was the main idea of the story. If that was the case, then the story should have revolved around that angle a little more. The inclusion of the mad hermit was also somewhat disappointing. It's a "don't talk to strangers or go out alone" kind of warning, a typical lesson for a children's story, but you hint at very dark things and then don't go through with it. I'd suspect even the story as it is courts turning too scary for a young child at that point, and at the same time it's not dark enough for a mature reader. The structure of the story was nice; I actually liked the idea of it being a bed-time tale. I, however, would have liked more father-daughter-interplay, both to frame the story even more and to break it up with a little dialogue. One other think I noticed was the resolution of the daughter turning into a comet, something that might go over the head of young children. That said, the story did feel like a bed-side story, a tone which may have been difficult to adhere to in writing. Also, I liked the sadness running through (the lovers not able to meet, the moon giving up her child, Haley being regarded as a witch, the parents dying in the end). I think the story got more complex because of it. I also liked the idea of gravitational forces being represented by these lines, and of the sun super-lasering the bad guy away. In the end, I think my biggest concern with this story is that it's neither a real story with a strong conflict nor a full-blown allegory, leaving me a little at a loss whether some things I noticed were deliberate strengths or accidental flaws of the piece. But it was great fun to read it. Thanks. [b]carpedavid[/b]: I'm a sucker for tales about the power of imagination, so you had me right there. What I liked was that Da wasn't able to save her friend, i.e. the fairy magic was not real, but that she didn't give up on her world despite it. That's as close to the message I would give as you can get. One thing you did well was pull us into Esmeralda's world without us noticing it. Only at Luna's outburst did I realize what was going on. It's difficult to write children's dialogue. In the beginning, I felt the dialogue was very good (especially the thing about Da marrying), but it did become very direct, as if you wanted to make sure it was all spelled out nicely. I didn't like the structure of the story. When you flash back, I was totally thrown and kept asking myself why this flashback was necessary; in the end, I don't it was, you could have just told the story in succession. In fact, that might have made the reveal of Esmeralda's fantasy world even more poignant. Finally, I'm not too sure about the ending; Da decides to become a doctor, I guess, but the significance of that didn't really register with me. I was missing some reference to an older Esmeralda, perhaps. I'm not sure. All I can say is I liked the idea of her being a doctor when it first came up, and didn't really jive with it at the end. One last thing: I keep wondering whether Esmeralda's mother (Da's Ma?) was in on the game or not; that is, whether she referred to the dog as dragon or not. It doesn't make a difference for the story, but it's still something that made me wonder. Once more thanks to all story-posting competitors, who really made this a great contest. Next time, it'll be even better. Because I'm gonna win. :) [/QUOTE]
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