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Diary of Teth-Anne
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<blockquote data-quote="Brimshack" data-source="post: 3159506" data-attributes="member: 34694"><p>The moaning turned out to be zombies, a whole lot of them. They shambled towards us in that perfectly pathetic manner of people without the good sense to stay dead. How an entire woodland could be filled with such bad taste was beyond me, but it might have been linked to all the dead trees. Stil, there they were shambling up and swiming at our flankers with those big rotting fists. With the rest of my party beginning to engage the filthy little walking fly hatcheries, there was only one thing for me to do...</p><p></p><p>...and that was of course to pause for a moment of reflection on the days events. Yep, right in the middle of battle, I indulged in a flashback. Or at least, I made a note to begin a flashabck segment right about there, just for you good peopel. (See my darling readers, I was thinking of you even as my friends faced danger all around me. I just said to myself they will have to wait until I'm done composing the outline of my next journal entry. My fans always come first. You love me, don't you?)</p><p></p><p>Well anyway, so how did we get to such a spot. Well it was the usual bit for us. Everyone teleported in to some strange location, none of us quite sure what to expect. Turned out, we were there to meet an old fart. (They are always old; you should have seen the orc that hired us that one time). Old and pathetic, but anyway, he directed us to still another teleportation device, and then we ended up at our real starting point for the adventure.</p><p></p><p>Why do they do that I wonder? take us to some silly location just to explain to us that we have to give the magic merry-go-round another spin. It's just bizarre, you know. Magic has an economy, and I really do think some of our clients need to read up a bit on the matter. For the price of the extra teleport, they could PAY US MUCH BETTER! At any rate, it is always fun to see an Ogre getting ready for this sort of thing. They wince and the cringe, and they click, (and sometimes they make a funny smell) when they are getting ready for big magic like this. It's absolutely hilarious. My favorite thing is to go 'oops,' just before the spell goes off. LOL, gets the hag barbarian lady too. I swear she is going to pee her pants one day, ...she does wear pants too, so she deserves to be embarrassed.</p><p></p><p>Anyway, so we ended up at this keep. We'd been hired by these guys before (to fight off an undead army), but they wanted us back to go do something even more fabulous. But I really must say, the lord of the manner is NOT taking care of himself these days. Ghosts or not, there is just no excuse for letting yourself go like that. Hoenstly, I can't even describe it; that man has got to invest in a good facial poultice.</p><p></p><p>Well, I could bore you with our adventures for the evening in that keep. We had a funny little encounter with some ugly flying faces that made creepy noises and scared all the guards. There was a rediculous little bit about keeping us from seeing in the tower, as if a skeloton or 3 in the closet wouldn't improve my regard for these yokels. And of course the nervous nellies in our own group spent the whole evening trying to figure out why the gallows had been used within the last couple days. Well it wasn't one of us, I tell you, and that is the end of gallows story as far as I'm concerned. I mean, the guy was paying us (sooner of later, anyway. There was mention of a really cool hammer), so what do we care if he hangs murderers and thieves or half the local peasants. NOT AN ISSUE folks. Get over yourselves, sheesh!</p><p></p><p>...sorry about that, friends, in this company I just get so bored. You know how all the prattle goes. "The blood is fresh." "There are claw marks." "The Temple has new Evocation magic on it." "How come you don't stand a night watch, Teth, everyone else does?" (Yawn!) Pity me, people. Mine is a sad lot.</p><p></p><p>Okay, so anyway, what did the aging addle-brain of a local lord - possible murdering his own peasants - want? He said he wanted Mandrake Root for some kind of witches beer thingy. I don't know, really, but I have to say the old creepy guy was almost showing a little personality with that request. Some might have been concerned that a Paladin-type follower of Saint Cuthbert would be interested in anything witchy, but hey, who he courts and how he loosens her knickers is his business. I Just figure we do the job and we get paid. No need to complicate matters by snooping about thesecret backyard burial, that's the way I feel about it.</p><p></p><p>So, anyway, we head out for the forest where all the mandrake root is supposed to be, and things start to get a little silly. First off, the evil ambush was at least 2 full days late. I'm telling you, the villains in this place are getting just plain lazy, and it's messing with my schedule. So, we're like snooping around the place and asking who in the party knows what a mandrake root looks like. And I say, I haven't the faintest, you know, because I would just buy the stuff. I don't go digging through the dirt for my components, there are people to take care of that, you know. </p><p></p><p>I mean Hello-oo!?! </p><p></p><p>So, of course Dead Horse comes up and he says "I do not know anything about it." And like Zarwdie says; "really, that's too bad" or something like that. Snaps to Zawrdwie, he is such a card, but really Dead Horse went on to explain that the root isn't dark red or maroon in colour and we won't need any more than a foot of it for effective spell components and stuff like that. And Zardwie, says, like "okay." And I amost died laughing. Was it Zardwie? I dunno, but somebody was playing a great straight man, and all Dead Horse could do was say how much he enjoyed all our company and that's when I tell you I absolutely busted a stitch. It was just too much. So, anyway, we started looking for this stuff and we couldn't find ANY of it, even with Dead Horse telling us where not to look.</p><p></p><p>Did I mention, Dead Horse always says the opposite of what he means? </p><p></p><p>Anyway...</p><p></p><p>So, we thought we knew what we were looking for, but we couldn't find it. And then we smelled smoke for a little while, but that went away, and we saw some tracks and Dead Horse was telling us that they weren't kobald tracks, and we decided to try and follow them, and it was just a crazy old time. You know how it is. And then all of a sudden Dead Horse just goes right up to a tree and says "goodbye" to it. Like, now he's talking to trees and stuff? I mean, we're all getting tired of this whole contrarian thing he's doing, but, I mean, talking to the scenery is just a step down in the mental casualty list as far as I am concerned. I was thinking about zapping the rediculous person out of his misery, and out of my life, for a moment there. </p><p></p><p>Well sure enough, the tree turned out to be a kobald, ...or at least there was a tree hiding a kobald. ...I mean, the kobald was hiding in the tree or something like that. Only it wasn't really a kobald, it was an Ogre. It took out this little axe which turned out to be really big after all, and then it started attacking Dead Horse. So, like, somebody was playing around with the funky magic or something, but we just killed the darn thing.</p><p></p><p>Well, we maimed it. And then I cured it, just to be nice and stuff, and I tried to talk to it. But of course I had to kind of, well hurt it, a little, just to make sure it understood the etiquette appropriate to the situation (which was of course to tell me everything I wanted to know). And then it attacked me, and then, like, we just killed it, which is perfectly appropriate. I mean the darn thing tried to mess up my perfectly shaped nose. He had to die. For even thinking about that, he had to die. If I ever come back here, I am tracking down that thing's family, so they can die too.</p><p></p><p>Dead Horse was a little unhappy that his bow string had blood on it, but I didn't really feel like explaining just how it had been used.</p><p></p><p>Okay, so then we moved on a bit, and I think we slept another night. At least I did. Others had to stand watch. And then that morning as we were walking along, someone noticed this invisible person moving along ahead of us. Zardwie noticed it first, and then I cast a special spell that let's me find sneaky people. And we just weren't sure what to do. It was this really creepy person, you know, and we weren't really sure what to do, because it was out of range of the fighters. We figured it would probably survive a spell or two and then run away, so we just kep thinking about it as we walked. </p><p></p><p>Then all the moaning starts, and the zombies show up and start to dribble little crawly creatures all over the ground and what not. The Cleric managed to turn a few of them, and a couple fighters gave 'em a wack or three. Dead Horse chargd up and laid out a couple of them. Then a bunch closed in around him, and of course they started beating the Dead Horse. (...well they did.) I could see a big old cluster of the rotten ex-people, and I just thought that would be the best place to place a fireball, you know.</p><p></p><p>***</p><p></p><p> ...Okay, let's all just take a moment of time to think about the peasures of the fireball. I mean, sometimes, people you just have to stop and smell the sulfer, you know, because that's what makes life worth living. You get so caught up in the hustle and bustle of the day folks, and sometimes you just forget the simple pleasures of life. Simple pleasures like the smell of your enemies burning. I mean, maybe it's enough to help you win the battle, and maybe it's not, but if you can't just take a moment to take in the experience, then what is the fun of living? Killing an enemy (or demolishing an already dead one in this case) isn't so much a destination as it is a sort of holliday trip. You shouldn't get so caught up in the goal that you forget to experience the process, you know. ...ah fireball.</p><p></p><p>***</p><p></p><p>Okay, so I picked this great spot out for the fireball, you know, because I really love to help out the brave fighters on the front line and everything. But when the time came, well I did the right thing folks. I fireballed the invisible creepy person up ahead of us. In fact, I burnt some special funky options and fireballed the little creep twice, once with a special wallop. I tell you it was a sheer joy, just to do that to a person, you know. ...I mean, just to, you know. ...Excellence is it's own reward, and those were excellent spells. That's all I'm saying. We weren't real sure if that person was an enemy or not, but as they say, "guilty until proven innocent." Some people might think that was some trite little maxim, but I take that principle to heart folks. I live by that, really I do.</p><p></p><p>So this elven lady pops out of the fireball and and drops on the ground and starts crying, you know, "why did you do that?" "Oh please don't hurt me, please don't do it again, I beg you," you know the drill. That and Zardwie starts getting pissy with me. really, he was doing that forceful whisper things (because he was all sneaky-creepy and invisible too), and he was shout-whsipering stuff like, "Teth, let me take care of it," and stuff. Him take care of it? AS IF! Okay, so with a pissy little Zardwie and a whiny little elven lady, I thought I'd just give them a break for a minute and help my friend Dead Horse out, because he was surrounded by zombies and stuff.</p><p></p><p>There was a big fight going on next to us. Someone tossed up a wall of fire, and the fighter type thingies in the front of our party worked just like they are supposed to and the icky non-people were getting splatterd all over the place. So, when it got down to the last few, all up in front and surrounding the crazy guy. I cut loose with one more fireball. It kinda hit Dead Horse, and he probably would have been fine without the help, but you know, it just ...I mean I shouldn't have to wait! Should I? </p><p></p><p>Should I?</p><p></p><p>Okay, so I get the Horsy-guy all up in my face and saying "brrrr," and telling me how pleased he was that I did that. And for just a minute, you know, I was going to play a Zardwie and just say 'your welcome,' and see what happens. But the thing about the Horsey guy is that his weapons aren't anywhere near as ironic as his mouth. So, I figured I better cure him, and like, kind of, apologize. </p><p></p><p>Yes, that's right people. I actually apologized to one of my assistants. I did. Yep that's right. I know that's not expected, and honestly, I was speaking to someone well below my station, but sometimes, ...sometimes, my friends. Sometimes, it takes a bigger heart to just go ahead and admit your faults. </p><p></p><p>And that is the problem. Dead Horse just doesn't have that kind of heart. He wasn't anywhere near big enough to admit that he should not have been standing there where I was going to place my favorite spell, you know, and I just knew it was going to be a real problem, So I decided to let him off the hook, and I apologized in his place. I just told him I was sorry he felt that way and I gave him a little cure. And he said that he was still happy about the whole thing, but that my cure wasn't enough to make it better. So, like everything was fine, you know.</p><p></p><p>I couldn't let Zardwie deal with the creepy elven lady all by himself. Who knows, he might have let her guide us into a trap or something. So, I turned my attention to the front of the party and headed right on up there. And THAT, lovers, that is where things started to get interesting.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Brimshack, post: 3159506, member: 34694"] The moaning turned out to be zombies, a whole lot of them. They shambled towards us in that perfectly pathetic manner of people without the good sense to stay dead. How an entire woodland could be filled with such bad taste was beyond me, but it might have been linked to all the dead trees. Stil, there they were shambling up and swiming at our flankers with those big rotting fists. With the rest of my party beginning to engage the filthy little walking fly hatcheries, there was only one thing for me to do... ...and that was of course to pause for a moment of reflection on the days events. Yep, right in the middle of battle, I indulged in a flashback. Or at least, I made a note to begin a flashabck segment right about there, just for you good peopel. (See my darling readers, I was thinking of you even as my friends faced danger all around me. I just said to myself they will have to wait until I'm done composing the outline of my next journal entry. My fans always come first. You love me, don't you?) Well anyway, so how did we get to such a spot. Well it was the usual bit for us. Everyone teleported in to some strange location, none of us quite sure what to expect. Turned out, we were there to meet an old fart. (They are always old; you should have seen the orc that hired us that one time). Old and pathetic, but anyway, he directed us to still another teleportation device, and then we ended up at our real starting point for the adventure. Why do they do that I wonder? take us to some silly location just to explain to us that we have to give the magic merry-go-round another spin. It's just bizarre, you know. Magic has an economy, and I really do think some of our clients need to read up a bit on the matter. For the price of the extra teleport, they could PAY US MUCH BETTER! At any rate, it is always fun to see an Ogre getting ready for this sort of thing. They wince and the cringe, and they click, (and sometimes they make a funny smell) when they are getting ready for big magic like this. It's absolutely hilarious. My favorite thing is to go 'oops,' just before the spell goes off. LOL, gets the hag barbarian lady too. I swear she is going to pee her pants one day, ...she does wear pants too, so she deserves to be embarrassed. Anyway, so we ended up at this keep. We'd been hired by these guys before (to fight off an undead army), but they wanted us back to go do something even more fabulous. But I really must say, the lord of the manner is NOT taking care of himself these days. Ghosts or not, there is just no excuse for letting yourself go like that. Hoenstly, I can't even describe it; that man has got to invest in a good facial poultice. Well, I could bore you with our adventures for the evening in that keep. We had a funny little encounter with some ugly flying faces that made creepy noises and scared all the guards. There was a rediculous little bit about keeping us from seeing in the tower, as if a skeloton or 3 in the closet wouldn't improve my regard for these yokels. And of course the nervous nellies in our own group spent the whole evening trying to figure out why the gallows had been used within the last couple days. Well it wasn't one of us, I tell you, and that is the end of gallows story as far as I'm concerned. I mean, the guy was paying us (sooner of later, anyway. There was mention of a really cool hammer), so what do we care if he hangs murderers and thieves or half the local peasants. NOT AN ISSUE folks. Get over yourselves, sheesh! ...sorry about that, friends, in this company I just get so bored. You know how all the prattle goes. "The blood is fresh." "There are claw marks." "The Temple has new Evocation magic on it." "How come you don't stand a night watch, Teth, everyone else does?" (Yawn!) Pity me, people. Mine is a sad lot. Okay, so anyway, what did the aging addle-brain of a local lord - possible murdering his own peasants - want? He said he wanted Mandrake Root for some kind of witches beer thingy. I don't know, really, but I have to say the old creepy guy was almost showing a little personality with that request. Some might have been concerned that a Paladin-type follower of Saint Cuthbert would be interested in anything witchy, but hey, who he courts and how he loosens her knickers is his business. I Just figure we do the job and we get paid. No need to complicate matters by snooping about thesecret backyard burial, that's the way I feel about it. So, anyway, we head out for the forest where all the mandrake root is supposed to be, and things start to get a little silly. First off, the evil ambush was at least 2 full days late. I'm telling you, the villains in this place are getting just plain lazy, and it's messing with my schedule. So, we're like snooping around the place and asking who in the party knows what a mandrake root looks like. And I say, I haven't the faintest, you know, because I would just buy the stuff. I don't go digging through the dirt for my components, there are people to take care of that, you know. I mean Hello-oo!?! So, of course Dead Horse comes up and he says "I do not know anything about it." And like Zarwdie says; "really, that's too bad" or something like that. Snaps to Zawrdwie, he is such a card, but really Dead Horse went on to explain that the root isn't dark red or maroon in colour and we won't need any more than a foot of it for effective spell components and stuff like that. And Zardwie, says, like "okay." And I amost died laughing. Was it Zardwie? I dunno, but somebody was playing a great straight man, and all Dead Horse could do was say how much he enjoyed all our company and that's when I tell you I absolutely busted a stitch. It was just too much. So, anyway, we started looking for this stuff and we couldn't find ANY of it, even with Dead Horse telling us where not to look. Did I mention, Dead Horse always says the opposite of what he means? Anyway... So, we thought we knew what we were looking for, but we couldn't find it. And then we smelled smoke for a little while, but that went away, and we saw some tracks and Dead Horse was telling us that they weren't kobald tracks, and we decided to try and follow them, and it was just a crazy old time. You know how it is. And then all of a sudden Dead Horse just goes right up to a tree and says "goodbye" to it. Like, now he's talking to trees and stuff? I mean, we're all getting tired of this whole contrarian thing he's doing, but, I mean, talking to the scenery is just a step down in the mental casualty list as far as I am concerned. I was thinking about zapping the rediculous person out of his misery, and out of my life, for a moment there. Well sure enough, the tree turned out to be a kobald, ...or at least there was a tree hiding a kobald. ...I mean, the kobald was hiding in the tree or something like that. Only it wasn't really a kobald, it was an Ogre. It took out this little axe which turned out to be really big after all, and then it started attacking Dead Horse. So, like, somebody was playing around with the funky magic or something, but we just killed the darn thing. Well, we maimed it. And then I cured it, just to be nice and stuff, and I tried to talk to it. But of course I had to kind of, well hurt it, a little, just to make sure it understood the etiquette appropriate to the situation (which was of course to tell me everything I wanted to know). And then it attacked me, and then, like, we just killed it, which is perfectly appropriate. I mean the darn thing tried to mess up my perfectly shaped nose. He had to die. For even thinking about that, he had to die. If I ever come back here, I am tracking down that thing's family, so they can die too. Dead Horse was a little unhappy that his bow string had blood on it, but I didn't really feel like explaining just how it had been used. Okay, so then we moved on a bit, and I think we slept another night. At least I did. Others had to stand watch. And then that morning as we were walking along, someone noticed this invisible person moving along ahead of us. Zardwie noticed it first, and then I cast a special spell that let's me find sneaky people. And we just weren't sure what to do. It was this really creepy person, you know, and we weren't really sure what to do, because it was out of range of the fighters. We figured it would probably survive a spell or two and then run away, so we just kep thinking about it as we walked. Then all the moaning starts, and the zombies show up and start to dribble little crawly creatures all over the ground and what not. The Cleric managed to turn a few of them, and a couple fighters gave 'em a wack or three. Dead Horse chargd up and laid out a couple of them. Then a bunch closed in around him, and of course they started beating the Dead Horse. (...well they did.) I could see a big old cluster of the rotten ex-people, and I just thought that would be the best place to place a fireball, you know. *** ...Okay, let's all just take a moment of time to think about the peasures of the fireball. I mean, sometimes, people you just have to stop and smell the sulfer, you know, because that's what makes life worth living. You get so caught up in the hustle and bustle of the day folks, and sometimes you just forget the simple pleasures of life. Simple pleasures like the smell of your enemies burning. I mean, maybe it's enough to help you win the battle, and maybe it's not, but if you can't just take a moment to take in the experience, then what is the fun of living? Killing an enemy (or demolishing an already dead one in this case) isn't so much a destination as it is a sort of holliday trip. You shouldn't get so caught up in the goal that you forget to experience the process, you know. ...ah fireball. *** Okay, so I picked this great spot out for the fireball, you know, because I really love to help out the brave fighters on the front line and everything. But when the time came, well I did the right thing folks. I fireballed the invisible creepy person up ahead of us. In fact, I burnt some special funky options and fireballed the little creep twice, once with a special wallop. I tell you it was a sheer joy, just to do that to a person, you know. ...I mean, just to, you know. ...Excellence is it's own reward, and those were excellent spells. That's all I'm saying. We weren't real sure if that person was an enemy or not, but as they say, "guilty until proven innocent." Some people might think that was some trite little maxim, but I take that principle to heart folks. I live by that, really I do. So this elven lady pops out of the fireball and and drops on the ground and starts crying, you know, "why did you do that?" "Oh please don't hurt me, please don't do it again, I beg you," you know the drill. That and Zardwie starts getting pissy with me. really, he was doing that forceful whisper things (because he was all sneaky-creepy and invisible too), and he was shout-whsipering stuff like, "Teth, let me take care of it," and stuff. Him take care of it? AS IF! Okay, so with a pissy little Zardwie and a whiny little elven lady, I thought I'd just give them a break for a minute and help my friend Dead Horse out, because he was surrounded by zombies and stuff. There was a big fight going on next to us. Someone tossed up a wall of fire, and the fighter type thingies in the front of our party worked just like they are supposed to and the icky non-people were getting splatterd all over the place. So, when it got down to the last few, all up in front and surrounding the crazy guy. I cut loose with one more fireball. It kinda hit Dead Horse, and he probably would have been fine without the help, but you know, it just ...I mean I shouldn't have to wait! Should I? Should I? Okay, so I get the Horsy-guy all up in my face and saying "brrrr," and telling me how pleased he was that I did that. And for just a minute, you know, I was going to play a Zardwie and just say 'your welcome,' and see what happens. But the thing about the Horsey guy is that his weapons aren't anywhere near as ironic as his mouth. So, I figured I better cure him, and like, kind of, apologize. Yes, that's right people. I actually apologized to one of my assistants. I did. Yep that's right. I know that's not expected, and honestly, I was speaking to someone well below my station, but sometimes, ...sometimes, my friends. Sometimes, it takes a bigger heart to just go ahead and admit your faults. And that is the problem. Dead Horse just doesn't have that kind of heart. He wasn't anywhere near big enough to admit that he should not have been standing there where I was going to place my favorite spell, you know, and I just knew it was going to be a real problem, So I decided to let him off the hook, and I apologized in his place. I just told him I was sorry he felt that way and I gave him a little cure. And he said that he was still happy about the whole thing, but that my cure wasn't enough to make it better. So, like everything was fine, you know. I couldn't let Zardwie deal with the creepy elven lady all by himself. Who knows, he might have let her guide us into a trap or something. So, I turned my attention to the front of the party and headed right on up there. And THAT, lovers, that is where things started to get interesting. [/QUOTE]
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