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<blockquote data-quote="mythago" data-source="post: 2738221" data-attributes="member: 3019"><p>SteelDraco -- Scratched</p><p></p><p>Maxfieldjadenfox - Elemental</p><p></p><p>Short and sweet, there is a nice economy to this story that makes it seem</p><p>almost like a parable or fable. There are some nice touches (the</p><p>rabbit-fur gloves, for example) that add a little depth to the story</p><p>without distracting from the flow. That one sentence does more to</p><p>establish the character of the sensei than anything else, and is a</p><p>marvelous example of defining a character indirectly. The story moves</p><p>quickly from event to event, as the granddaughter (re)discovers the</p><p>elemental forms of nature.</p><p></p><p>There are a couple of things that seemed missing, though. The story is</p><p>too self-contained, with no sense of place or time or purpose. Having the</p><p>story entail teaching the granddaughter a lesson would have turned it's</p><p>lack of external references into a strength. On the other hand, even a</p><p>sketchy plot that involved something outside the scene would have enabled</p><p>the reader to get a little more involved. As it is, it seems too much</p><p>like a story written just to be a story. Not a critical flaw, by any</p><p>means, but the writing and concept deserved better, I think.</p><p></p><p>Picture use is solid, for the most part. The use of the mast as the path</p><p>to elemental enlightenment works, but there was nothing in the setting</p><p>that made the image fit (aside from a tenuous ship/sails <> water/air</p><p>link). The bunny as sensei seemed a little too cute, at first, but the</p><p>writing elevates it, and it ties into the end nicely. The sensei in the</p><p>corner is a little perfunctory. The ice ballerina was very good, and the</p><p>accompanying text was exceptional. The transparent curtains were</p><p>intriguing, with the text ("laughing to myself that they thought they</p><p>could keep me out") adding an additional dimension.</p><p></p><p>SpaceMonkey - Untitled</p><p></p><p>Wow. A lot of twists and changes in a short story. I must admit I didn't</p><p>see the ending coming. The fast pacing keeps things moving, which is</p><p>good. The internal monologue of the protagonist is serviceable, although</p><p>by the end it was getting a little old. Thats a technique best used</p><p>sparingly, I think. The way the story morphs from hard-boiled detective</p><p>to high-tech to maybe supernatural to cyberspace is well-executed, the</p><p>pace of the story helping keep the reader off-guard. The text is</p><p>workman-like, but the breathless run-on nature wears out its welcome</p><p>pretty quick. A lot of that might be formatting, though, so it's not that</p><p>big a deal.</p><p></p><p>A little more, beginning and end, would be welcome. Show the setup to the</p><p>crime using the same virtual metaphor, and then bookend it with action in</p><p>the real world, perhaps. The symmetry would help the overall effect. The</p><p>biggest problem with this story is that cyberspace and Ceramic DM</p><p>constraints don't mix well most of the time. Any picture, no matter how</p><p>off the wall, can be used as a cyberspace metaphor without having to go</p><p>through the contortions of setting that a normal story would require.</p><p>Much like using dream sequences, or god forbid, a picture as a picture,</p><p>it's a sort-of cheat. Not against the rules, per se, but kind of a crutch.</p><p></p><p>Given that, the picture use is decent. The ice ballerina as the kidnapped</p><p>AI is clever, although the virtual stuffed bunny doesn't seem to fit.</p><p>More connection between the two would have elevated both uses. The ships</p><p>rigging and virtual martial artist are simply descriptive. The plastic</p><p>curtain as high-tech VR screen was an interesting use, though.</p><p></p><p>Summary: Spacemonkey has the outlines of an interesting world, but the</p><p>cyberspace setting gimps the picture use, and the story would be well</p><p>served by a more detailed context. Maxfieldjadenfox has some pretty good</p><p>picture use, and has written a tight story. It, too, could have used a</p><p>little more context, but a pretty good effort overall.</p><p></p><p>Judgement: Maxfieldjadenfox</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="mythago, post: 2738221, member: 3019"] SteelDraco -- Scratched Maxfieldjadenfox - Elemental Short and sweet, there is a nice economy to this story that makes it seem almost like a parable or fable. There are some nice touches (the rabbit-fur gloves, for example) that add a little depth to the story without distracting from the flow. That one sentence does more to establish the character of the sensei than anything else, and is a marvelous example of defining a character indirectly. The story moves quickly from event to event, as the granddaughter (re)discovers the elemental forms of nature. There are a couple of things that seemed missing, though. The story is too self-contained, with no sense of place or time or purpose. Having the story entail teaching the granddaughter a lesson would have turned it's lack of external references into a strength. On the other hand, even a sketchy plot that involved something outside the scene would have enabled the reader to get a little more involved. As it is, it seems too much like a story written just to be a story. Not a critical flaw, by any means, but the writing and concept deserved better, I think. Picture use is solid, for the most part. The use of the mast as the path to elemental enlightenment works, but there was nothing in the setting that made the image fit (aside from a tenuous ship/sails <> water/air link). The bunny as sensei seemed a little too cute, at first, but the writing elevates it, and it ties into the end nicely. The sensei in the corner is a little perfunctory. The ice ballerina was very good, and the accompanying text was exceptional. The transparent curtains were intriguing, with the text ("laughing to myself that they thought they could keep me out") adding an additional dimension. SpaceMonkey - Untitled Wow. A lot of twists and changes in a short story. I must admit I didn't see the ending coming. The fast pacing keeps things moving, which is good. The internal monologue of the protagonist is serviceable, although by the end it was getting a little old. Thats a technique best used sparingly, I think. The way the story morphs from hard-boiled detective to high-tech to maybe supernatural to cyberspace is well-executed, the pace of the story helping keep the reader off-guard. The text is workman-like, but the breathless run-on nature wears out its welcome pretty quick. A lot of that might be formatting, though, so it's not that big a deal. A little more, beginning and end, would be welcome. Show the setup to the crime using the same virtual metaphor, and then bookend it with action in the real world, perhaps. The symmetry would help the overall effect. The biggest problem with this story is that cyberspace and Ceramic DM constraints don't mix well most of the time. Any picture, no matter how off the wall, can be used as a cyberspace metaphor without having to go through the contortions of setting that a normal story would require. Much like using dream sequences, or god forbid, a picture as a picture, it's a sort-of cheat. Not against the rules, per se, but kind of a crutch. Given that, the picture use is decent. The ice ballerina as the kidnapped AI is clever, although the virtual stuffed bunny doesn't seem to fit. More connection between the two would have elevated both uses. The ships rigging and virtual martial artist are simply descriptive. The plastic curtain as high-tech VR screen was an interesting use, though. Summary: Spacemonkey has the outlines of an interesting world, but the cyberspace setting gimps the picture use, and the story would be well served by a more detailed context. Maxfieldjadenfox has some pretty good picture use, and has written a tight story. It, too, could have used a little more context, but a pretty good effort overall. Judgement: Maxfieldjadenfox [/QUOTE]
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