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I need bad D&D jokes! (my players stay out)
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<blockquote data-quote="toberane" data-source="post: 335330" data-attributes="member: 4968"><p>A human, and Elf, and a Dwarf are captured by a tribe of cannibalistic barbarians. They bring the human out in front of the tribe, and the chief says to him, "We are going to kill you, we're going to eat you, and we're going to use your skin for our canoes. Do you have a last request?"</p><p></p><p>The human replies, "Can I have my dagger?" They give him his dagger and he cuts his own throat.</p><p></p><p>They bring out the elf and say the same thing, "We are going to kill you, we're going to eat you, and we're going to use your skin for our canoes. Do you have a last request?"</p><p></p><p>The elf says, "Can I please have my dagger?" So they bring him <em>his</em> dagger and he, too, cuts his own throat.</p><p></p><p>They bring out the dwarf and say the same thing. "We are going to kill you, we're going to eat you, and we're going to use your skin for our canoes. Do you have a last request?"</p><p></p><p>The dwarf says, "Yes, can you bring me a fork?" Confused, the barbarians bring him a fork, which he immediately grabs and begins to stab himself repeatedly all over his torso, muttering, "To Heck with your canoes!"</p><p></p><p>----------------------------------------------------------------------------------</p><p></p><p>The first mate on a ship runs to the captain, shouting, "Captain, Captain! There's a pirate ship off the starboard bow!"</p><p></p><p>The captain calmly looks at the mate and says, "Bring me my red shirt." The first mate brings him a red shirt and they fight their way to victory.</p><p></p><p>About a week later, the first mate again comes running to the captain. "Captain! There are two pirate ships off the port bow, approaching fast!"</p><p></p><p>Again, the captain simply replies, "Bring me my red shirt," and again they fight their way to victory.</p><p></p><p>That evening, the crew is celebrating, the first mate asks the captain, "Sir, why do you always ask for your red shirt when we are being attacked by pirates?"</p><p></p><p>The captain says, "It is for the crew's morale. If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt will show no blood, and the crew will be assured that I am standing strong to lead the way to victory." The first mate nods in understanding and walks away.</p><p></p><p>A couple of weeks later, the first mate again comes running up to the captain, out of breath and very frightened. "Captain! There are ten pirate ships approaching, and they are almost upon us, sir!"</p><p></p><p>The captain looks calmly at the first mate and shouts, "Bring me my brown pants!"</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="toberane, post: 335330, member: 4968"] A human, and Elf, and a Dwarf are captured by a tribe of cannibalistic barbarians. They bring the human out in front of the tribe, and the chief says to him, "We are going to kill you, we're going to eat you, and we're going to use your skin for our canoes. Do you have a last request?" The human replies, "Can I have my dagger?" They give him his dagger and he cuts his own throat. They bring out the elf and say the same thing, "We are going to kill you, we're going to eat you, and we're going to use your skin for our canoes. Do you have a last request?" The elf says, "Can I please have my dagger?" So they bring him [i]his[/i] dagger and he, too, cuts his own throat. They bring out the dwarf and say the same thing. "We are going to kill you, we're going to eat you, and we're going to use your skin for our canoes. Do you have a last request?" The dwarf says, "Yes, can you bring me a fork?" Confused, the barbarians bring him a fork, which he immediately grabs and begins to stab himself repeatedly all over his torso, muttering, "To Heck with your canoes!" ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The first mate on a ship runs to the captain, shouting, "Captain, Captain! There's a pirate ship off the starboard bow!" The captain calmly looks at the mate and says, "Bring me my red shirt." The first mate brings him a red shirt and they fight their way to victory. About a week later, the first mate again comes running to the captain. "Captain! There are two pirate ships off the port bow, approaching fast!" Again, the captain simply replies, "Bring me my red shirt," and again they fight their way to victory. That evening, the crew is celebrating, the first mate asks the captain, "Sir, why do you always ask for your red shirt when we are being attacked by pirates?" The captain says, "It is for the crew's morale. If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt will show no blood, and the crew will be assured that I am standing strong to lead the way to victory." The first mate nods in understanding and walks away. A couple of weeks later, the first mate again comes running up to the captain, out of breath and very frightened. "Captain! There are ten pirate ships approaching, and they are almost upon us, sir!" The captain looks calmly at the first mate and shouts, "Bring me my brown pants!" [/QUOTE]
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