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<blockquote data-quote="Zhaneel" data-source="post: 1543778" data-attributes="member: 15829"><p>MacBeth,</p><p></p><p>Just finished [quickly] reading through your work. I did like it, but it didn't really draw me. And, to me, the thematic ending was a little weak. And the sledgehammer at the end telling us how Micheal felt [did you choose Micheal for the ArcAngel of war?] rather than a showing that we could interpret didn't work for me.</p><p></p><p>As for picture use:</p><p>I felt that the need to pull in the pictures drove the story, rather than being a part of it. If that makes sense. Don't get me wrong, I liked the picture usage, but I felt the story was pulled off the tracks by them.</p><p></p><p>1) God being the little boy. I actually really liked this and thought it worked well.</p><p></p><p>2) Mysteries: I liked the explanation but I wanted to see him use them. Like open the book to find out about Gaberial. Use the picture to find the goat. Etc. QUESTION: Did he have to return the relics with God being back?</p><p></p><p>3) The sword/Japanese girl. Didn't work for me. The idea of Gaberial pullling souls and that soul in particular is the major example of pictures derailing the story.</p><p></p><p>4) The bloody goat. I really wanted to see him getting into the sacrifice, not being told that he was. I think the image worked, but since there was NO effect on Micheal or God, it was again, to me, a picture use derailing the story and not fully contributing.</p><p></p><p>5) Grandma. I liked this picture use. The wrinkles comment really worked for me. I would have liked her to test him. And I agree that if she KNEW how to release God but didn't then she's a twit. IF you explain that she couldn't because she married into the family, that would help [i'm assuming here]</p><p></p><p>Those are the ones I remember, I think I'm missing one. Let me know.</p><p></p><p>But, overall, I liked the story. Forgive the constant hitting on show versus tell. It is something that was pointed out to me in my stories and now I'm seeing it everywhere. *sigh*</p><p></p><p>Zhaneel</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Zhaneel, post: 1543778, member: 15829"] MacBeth, Just finished [quickly] reading through your work. I did like it, but it didn't really draw me. And, to me, the thematic ending was a little weak. And the sledgehammer at the end telling us how Micheal felt [did you choose Micheal for the ArcAngel of war?] rather than a showing that we could interpret didn't work for me. As for picture use: I felt that the need to pull in the pictures drove the story, rather than being a part of it. If that makes sense. Don't get me wrong, I liked the picture usage, but I felt the story was pulled off the tracks by them. 1) God being the little boy. I actually really liked this and thought it worked well. 2) Mysteries: I liked the explanation but I wanted to see him use them. Like open the book to find out about Gaberial. Use the picture to find the goat. Etc. QUESTION: Did he have to return the relics with God being back? 3) The sword/Japanese girl. Didn't work for me. The idea of Gaberial pullling souls and that soul in particular is the major example of pictures derailing the story. 4) The bloody goat. I really wanted to see him getting into the sacrifice, not being told that he was. I think the image worked, but since there was NO effect on Micheal or God, it was again, to me, a picture use derailing the story and not fully contributing. 5) Grandma. I liked this picture use. The wrinkles comment really worked for me. I would have liked her to test him. And I agree that if she KNEW how to release God but didn't then she's a twit. IF you explain that she couldn't because she married into the family, that would help [i'm assuming here] Those are the ones I remember, I think I'm missing one. Let me know. But, overall, I liked the story. Forgive the constant hitting on show versus tell. It is something that was pointed out to me in my stories and now I'm seeing it everywhere. *sigh* Zhaneel [/QUOTE]
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