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IRON DM 2022 The Tournament Thread
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<blockquote data-quote="Deuce Traveler" data-source="post: 8767700" data-attributes="member: 34958"><p>Judgement of Round 2, Match 2:</p><p>Snarf Zagyg's "Disco Party Athletes" vs. Kobold Stew's "Sweet Dreams are Made of Bees"</p><p></p><p>Judged by Deuce Traveler</p><p></p><p>Snarf Zagyg's (SZ) entry may be a first of its kind in the Iron DM competition; a very imaginative homebrew RPG that incorporates the ingredients into its suggested plot ideas. Kobold Stew's (KS) entry is fantasy-based, but not typical as it has a dream-like quality that reminds me of something that Peter Beagle or Neil Gaiman may have imagined.</p><p></p><p>This match might have been the easiest I ever had to judge, but more on that below.</p><p></p><p>I am going to grade each entry on whether or not they made the time and word count limit, each entry's readability, use of each ingredient, and finally the potential for a potential Dungeon Master. Each section has a possibility of 2 points to be awarded.</p><p></p><p>[spoiler]</p><p>Accordance to the Rules</p><p></p><p>Both entries were posted within the allotted amount of time and under the word count limit. Good job! </p><p></p><p>SZ- 2</p><p>KS- 2</p><p></p><p>Grammar and Readability</p><p></p><p>Both entries read well enough. However, I do want to say that there was a lot of energy to "Disco Party Athletes", making it a joy to read. The passage is filled with chaotic ramblings, yet well structured and very readable. This gets the full two points.</p><p></p><p>"Sweet Dream are Made of Bees" read fine, but added segments that took me out of the narrative. For instance, one passage suggested that 'Each session should present a memorable visual: the DM should work towards the visual without expecting the players to achieve a specific outcome: it’s nice when the visual can come at a session break, but it need not.' This passage is unnecessary and just adds to the word count when the extra words could have been better spent clarifying other parts of the entry. Also, the story doesn't flow well in some sections and I had trouble with the transitions from the party helping the swarm and opposing the swarm. One point given.</p><p></p><p>SZ- 4</p><p>KS- 3</p><p></p><p>First Ingredient: Cursed Dreamcatcher</p><p></p><p>So here is the problem with entries such as "Disco Party Athletes". They are fantastic ideas, but not suitable for Iron DM as they sacrifice the ingredients for cool ideas. The dreamcatcher in the entry is just a random plot idea and not integral to the entry. I could easily replace it with something else or ignore it entirely and it would not affect the submitted entry. Zero points.</p><p></p><p>In "Sweet Dreams are Made of Bees" the cursed dreamcatcher is a major McGuffin that the entry revolves around. Two points.</p><p></p><p>SZ- 4</p><p>KS- 5</p><p></p><p>Second Ingredient: Erudite Goat</p><p></p><p>For "Disco Party Athletes", same critic as with the first ingredient. Zero points.</p><p></p><p>In "Sweet Dreams are Made of Bees", the Erudite Goat is erudite because it is swallowing a massive amount of knowledge but it didn't have to be a goat. It could have been a lion or pig or anything hungry. One point.</p><p></p><p>SZ- 4</p><p>KS- 6</p><p></p><p>Third Ingredient: Destitute Dragon</p><p></p><p>Zero points for "Disco Party Athlete". Nice try on being clever on what a dragon is, though.</p><p></p><p>The Destitute Dragon in "Sweet Dreams are Made of Bees" I will grudgingly give two points for. I think it is suitable for the creature to be a dragon since there is an implication of power and wisdom, but I may have been able to replace it with a handful of other mystical creatures. And it is not fully destitute but in the process of being made increasingly destitute of knowledge and wealth, but close enough.</p><p></p><p>SZ- 4</p><p>KS- 8</p><p></p><p>Fourth Ingredient: Devouring Dungeon</p><p></p><p>For "Disco Party Athletes", nice use of vampires and the kink dungeon, but zero points for it not being integral.</p><p></p><p>In "Sweet Dreams are Made of Bees" the devouring dungeon is the insides of a giant creature that just so happens to be another ingredient. I always like seeing these tied together like this. Nice job on the body horror and creepiness. Full points.</p><p></p><p>SZ- 4</p><p>KS- 10</p><p></p><p>Fifth Ingredient: Dancing Lights</p><p></p><p>Finally an ingredient integral to "Disco Party Athletes". The music, the fame, the lights, the dance floor. This ingredient is part of the core of the entry and I give it a well-deserved two full points. Too bad it won't be enough for the entry to be 'staying alive'.</p><p></p><p>The ingredient use in "Sweet Dreams are Made of Bees" is almost as impressive. The dancing lights are escaping ball lightning moving out of the metal filaments of the dream catching machine. The fact that the ball lightning exists shows that the catcher is working. A full two points here as I can't think of anything appropriate that I could switch this ingredient out for without lessening the section of the entry.</p><p> </p><p>SZ- 6</p><p>KS- 12</p><p></p><p>Sixth Ingredient: Golden Honey</p><p></p><p>Zero points for "Disco Party Athletes" as the ingredient is part of an optional quest and not otherwise important.</p><p></p><p>In "Sweet Dreams are Made of Bees" the golden honey is a tasty and perhaps quite valuable substance that the magical bee swarm gathers from the dreaming dragon's horde. This is steadily making the dragon more destitute. I'm having problems following how it becomes a gold treasure horde in the dreaming, to honey in the physical world, but potentially having the weight and value of gold. It's a neat use of the ingredient but the passage itself could have used work and I'll only award one point.</p><p></p><p>SZ- 6</p><p>KS- 13</p><p></p><p>Seventh Ingredient: Cave Paintings</p><p></p><p>In "Disco Party Athletes" there isn't really even a cave for the paint. Zero points.</p><p></p><p>In "Sweet Dreams are Made of Bees", the cave drawings are completely unnecessary. They may help the party realize that something has gone wrong with dreaming, but this warning could have come from a different plot device such as a fortune teller met on the road or an apparition. Zero points.</p><p></p><p>SZ- 6</p><p>KS- 13</p><p></p><p>Potential for the DM</p><p></p><p>"Disco Party Athletes" seems to be a lot of fun and I would definitely enjoy running it as a quick session and one-shot adventure. It looks like a breezy and fun little game that could pass some time with little prep work. Two easy points.</p><p></p><p>"Sweet Dreams are Made of Bees" has some elements and plot points that I would want to take a few hours to fix up before I ever ran this adventure. Also, the adventure can easily be derailed by a party that doesn't want to explore a cave with weird paintings, or attacks the swarm before talking, or that doesn't trust the strange and creepy swarm because the party fears a surprising yet inevitable betrayal. That said, I love the imagination that went into this. With a couple hours and some rewrites it will be a solid adventure. I award one point.</p><p></p><p>SZ- 8</p><p>KS- 14</p><p>[/spoiler]</p><p></p><p>Judgement</p><p></p><p>[spoiler]</p><p></p><p>Was there really any doubt? Snarf Zagyg purposely sabotaged this entry to give us a truly imaginative gem. Thank you for the wonderful homebrew game and for making my judgement so easy, Snarf Zagyg.</p><p></p><p>Kobold Stew wrote up a competent entry and easily strides to the final round!</p><p>[/spoiler]</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Deuce Traveler, post: 8767700, member: 34958"] Judgement of Round 2, Match 2: Snarf Zagyg's "Disco Party Athletes" vs. Kobold Stew's "Sweet Dreams are Made of Bees" Judged by Deuce Traveler Snarf Zagyg's (SZ) entry may be a first of its kind in the Iron DM competition; a very imaginative homebrew RPG that incorporates the ingredients into its suggested plot ideas. Kobold Stew's (KS) entry is fantasy-based, but not typical as it has a dream-like quality that reminds me of something that Peter Beagle or Neil Gaiman may have imagined. This match might have been the easiest I ever had to judge, but more on that below. I am going to grade each entry on whether or not they made the time and word count limit, each entry's readability, use of each ingredient, and finally the potential for a potential Dungeon Master. Each section has a possibility of 2 points to be awarded. [spoiler] Accordance to the Rules Both entries were posted within the allotted amount of time and under the word count limit. Good job! SZ- 2 KS- 2 Grammar and Readability Both entries read well enough. However, I do want to say that there was a lot of energy to "Disco Party Athletes", making it a joy to read. The passage is filled with chaotic ramblings, yet well structured and very readable. This gets the full two points. "Sweet Dream are Made of Bees" read fine, but added segments that took me out of the narrative. For instance, one passage suggested that 'Each session should present a memorable visual: the DM should work towards the visual without expecting the players to achieve a specific outcome: it’s nice when the visual can come at a session break, but it need not.' This passage is unnecessary and just adds to the word count when the extra words could have been better spent clarifying other parts of the entry. Also, the story doesn't flow well in some sections and I had trouble with the transitions from the party helping the swarm and opposing the swarm. One point given. SZ- 4 KS- 3 First Ingredient: Cursed Dreamcatcher So here is the problem with entries such as "Disco Party Athletes". They are fantastic ideas, but not suitable for Iron DM as they sacrifice the ingredients for cool ideas. The dreamcatcher in the entry is just a random plot idea and not integral to the entry. I could easily replace it with something else or ignore it entirely and it would not affect the submitted entry. Zero points. In "Sweet Dreams are Made of Bees" the cursed dreamcatcher is a major McGuffin that the entry revolves around. Two points. SZ- 4 KS- 5 Second Ingredient: Erudite Goat For "Disco Party Athletes", same critic as with the first ingredient. Zero points. In "Sweet Dreams are Made of Bees", the Erudite Goat is erudite because it is swallowing a massive amount of knowledge but it didn't have to be a goat. It could have been a lion or pig or anything hungry. One point. SZ- 4 KS- 6 Third Ingredient: Destitute Dragon Zero points for "Disco Party Athlete". Nice try on being clever on what a dragon is, though. The Destitute Dragon in "Sweet Dreams are Made of Bees" I will grudgingly give two points for. I think it is suitable for the creature to be a dragon since there is an implication of power and wisdom, but I may have been able to replace it with a handful of other mystical creatures. And it is not fully destitute but in the process of being made increasingly destitute of knowledge and wealth, but close enough. SZ- 4 KS- 8 Fourth Ingredient: Devouring Dungeon For "Disco Party Athletes", nice use of vampires and the kink dungeon, but zero points for it not being integral. In "Sweet Dreams are Made of Bees" the devouring dungeon is the insides of a giant creature that just so happens to be another ingredient. I always like seeing these tied together like this. Nice job on the body horror and creepiness. Full points. SZ- 4 KS- 10 Fifth Ingredient: Dancing Lights Finally an ingredient integral to "Disco Party Athletes". The music, the fame, the lights, the dance floor. This ingredient is part of the core of the entry and I give it a well-deserved two full points. Too bad it won't be enough for the entry to be 'staying alive'. The ingredient use in "Sweet Dreams are Made of Bees" is almost as impressive. The dancing lights are escaping ball lightning moving out of the metal filaments of the dream catching machine. The fact that the ball lightning exists shows that the catcher is working. A full two points here as I can't think of anything appropriate that I could switch this ingredient out for without lessening the section of the entry. SZ- 6 KS- 12 Sixth Ingredient: Golden Honey Zero points for "Disco Party Athletes" as the ingredient is part of an optional quest and not otherwise important. In "Sweet Dreams are Made of Bees" the golden honey is a tasty and perhaps quite valuable substance that the magical bee swarm gathers from the dreaming dragon's horde. This is steadily making the dragon more destitute. I'm having problems following how it becomes a gold treasure horde in the dreaming, to honey in the physical world, but potentially having the weight and value of gold. It's a neat use of the ingredient but the passage itself could have used work and I'll only award one point. SZ- 6 KS- 13 Seventh Ingredient: Cave Paintings In "Disco Party Athletes" there isn't really even a cave for the paint. Zero points. In "Sweet Dreams are Made of Bees", the cave drawings are completely unnecessary. They may help the party realize that something has gone wrong with dreaming, but this warning could have come from a different plot device such as a fortune teller met on the road or an apparition. Zero points. SZ- 6 KS- 13 Potential for the DM "Disco Party Athletes" seems to be a lot of fun and I would definitely enjoy running it as a quick session and one-shot adventure. It looks like a breezy and fun little game that could pass some time with little prep work. Two easy points. "Sweet Dreams are Made of Bees" has some elements and plot points that I would want to take a few hours to fix up before I ever ran this adventure. Also, the adventure can easily be derailed by a party that doesn't want to explore a cave with weird paintings, or attacks the swarm before talking, or that doesn't trust the strange and creepy swarm because the party fears a surprising yet inevitable betrayal. That said, I love the imagination that went into this. With a couple hours and some rewrites it will be a solid adventure. I award one point. SZ- 8 KS- 14 [/spoiler] Judgement [spoiler] Was there really any doubt? Snarf Zagyg purposely sabotaged this entry to give us a truly imaginative gem. Thank you for the wonderful homebrew game and for making my judgement so easy, Snarf Zagyg. Kobold Stew wrote up a competent entry and easily strides to the final round! [/spoiler] [/QUOTE]
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