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[IRON DM] Spring 2004 Contest Thread FINAL JUDGMENT POSTED, CHAMPION ANNOUNCED!
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<blockquote data-quote="spacemonkey" data-source="post: 1494995" data-attributes="member: 13180"><p>ENWorld problems yesterday, my own ISP trouble today, sheesh! Anyway, I'd like to start off by congratulating Zappo on his win and thanking Wulf for judging. Now to the gritty.</p><p></p><p>I completely agree with Wulf that I had a good start and kinda went downhill from there. Probably a result of how I went about writing the entry and where I lingered doing it. Like Zappo, I too had to do much cutting of material to keep the length of the thing reasonable, though I cut stuff straight from my outline as I'm not one to do multiple drafts on something like this. I also think I spent a little too much time working out the 'cool adventure factor' and not quite as much as I should have on the actual ingredients - which should never be neglected, as this is IronDM, not a Dungeon Magazine submission.</p><p></p><p>Garesk being a recurring enemy was in the outline somewhere - his personality and occupation lent very well to retreat and subsequential sniping of the party under probably already stressful circumstances. He also couldn't return to the city and the angry caliph if he failed to return the girl, and that would most likely be the PCs' fault. Didn't make it into the entry for lack of space, mostly. I also didn't want to focus on after effects or stats in my entry.</p><p></p><p>I really tried to make the tarantella a prominent ingredient, partially so I'd remember what it was, as I have to admit I wasn't familiar with the term before I saw it as an ingredient. I too tend to write adventures cinematically, and the scene of miserable, forced dancers flinging shadows into the desert night was really the first core image I hit upon.</p><p></p><p>The crematorium was initially a little tough, but I figured with real estate (good cave real estate) scarce in the desert, doing double duty on a location would make sense. Tying the ashes of the foot bones to the dancing dust was a way to really make sure that it didn't seem nonsensical, and gave a good explanation for the curse. Also, I like the idea of the villager's former ancestors bones being used as a sacred ritual component, as well as being used against them. I was thinking of putting in an appearance by The Dancing One towards the end - After seeing Zappo's entry I think perhaps a 'tunnel vision' could have worked there as a god-inspired prompting. I didn't really think of it at the time though, and the god's appearance seemed superfluous, especially with my limited time and wordcount.</p><p></p><p>The disappearing arrows - I guess it does seem sort of contrived. Originally I had him using arrows of brilliant energy, sniping through the walls of tents, etc. Couldn't think of a way for the poison to get on an energy arrow though, seemed unlikely to me, so I changed them to disappearing assassin arrows. I didn't remember that they leave real arrow holes until later and decided to just leave the injuries for the PCs to find. I thought of perhaps making blunt disappearing arrows, but that seemed even more contrived unless I could find a way to incorporate that into the story further, and I couldn't.</p><p></p><p>I did think of having Garesk spread the poison another way, but I decided that the archery aspect had to be maintained, and I was thinking at the time that the blunt instrument aspect would be stronger.</p><p></p><p>Wulf said: "I could have lived with Garesk’s archery being less important, if for no other reason than to preserve verisimilitude."</p><p></p><p>Well why didn't you tell me that Monday night? <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite2" alt=";)" title="Wink ;)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=";)" /></p><p></p><p>The club symbol was representative of the dancing sticks, which were supposed to be the Danging One's holy symbol. They were used by the priests to keep rythym in the dances in his honor, etc. They were a beloved icon of the god, representing his dogma to the people. I guess I didn't make that very clear, but that was what I was going for. They were represented on the skin when the toxin was taken by the priests as a further sign of their piety (and also so they would know when it was working and when it had worn off). I actually thought this was a pretty good use of the ingredient, and I liked the image of the traditional rituals to the dancing god, with villagers dancing frenzily and others beating out a crazy rythym with the sticks in a circle around them - sort of like an african tribal dance. I think that didn't really come across. I had some extra paragraphs about the rituals and such, but I cut them as I thought they weren't needed for the adventure... perhaps a mistake. I was also using the priestess as a blunt instrument, she was a little slow and Garesk was using her to convey his 'godly intent' to the people. I had a little more with the village leader, but didn't get to it (see below).</p><p></p><p>The tunnel vision was difficult. In my original thoughts on the matter, Ophiran (the village leader) had a much more prominent part. He was to be getting his information from Shadik, and they would both be doing the 'tunnel vision' thing regarding their duties. Shadik would be ignoring other sources of the curse, and passing that on to Ophiran, who would neglect to look at things like the new villagers (Jareena & Hophas) as possible causes for this problem in his zeal to just try and get it solved. I also liked the visual of the shadows of the dancers in the elevated cave being seen from the village and off in the desert (a vision seen through a tunnel opening, so to speak).</p><p></p><p>In the end, I think I made a few mistakes. I should have made sure that my editing didn't affect the overall effect and use of ingredients, and made sure they were all appropriately and clearly explained. I probably should have just bit the bullet and kept the entry longer - but I was worried that I'd be writing 'too bad I made it so damn long, otherwise...' here instead of this <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite2" alt=";)" title="Wink ;)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=";)" /> Guess I know that the 2500 word limit isn't as big a sticking point (with Wulf as judge anyway) for future tourneys.</p><p></p><p>Still, I had fun and was finally able to participate (yay!). I don't feel too bad about the loss, as Zappo's was a good entry, and I had a feeling after reading it that it was going to be hard case for mine anyway. I look forward to watching the rest of the tourney play out. I'll definitely be around for future competitions, and I'll close with the traditional IronDM sentiment that Zappo really needs to take the gold here so that I can at least say I lost to the best! <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite1" alt=":)" title="Smile :)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":)" /></p><p></p><p>-spacemonkey</p><p></p><p></p><p>Ah, and if only the ingredient had been a dancing girl or a faithful eunuch instead of tunnel vision... <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite2" alt=";)" title="Wink ;)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=";)" /></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="spacemonkey, post: 1494995, member: 13180"] ENWorld problems yesterday, my own ISP trouble today, sheesh! Anyway, I'd like to start off by congratulating Zappo on his win and thanking Wulf for judging. Now to the gritty. I completely agree with Wulf that I had a good start and kinda went downhill from there. Probably a result of how I went about writing the entry and where I lingered doing it. Like Zappo, I too had to do much cutting of material to keep the length of the thing reasonable, though I cut stuff straight from my outline as I'm not one to do multiple drafts on something like this. I also think I spent a little too much time working out the 'cool adventure factor' and not quite as much as I should have on the actual ingredients - which should never be neglected, as this is IronDM, not a Dungeon Magazine submission. Garesk being a recurring enemy was in the outline somewhere - his personality and occupation lent very well to retreat and subsequential sniping of the party under probably already stressful circumstances. He also couldn't return to the city and the angry caliph if he failed to return the girl, and that would most likely be the PCs' fault. Didn't make it into the entry for lack of space, mostly. I also didn't want to focus on after effects or stats in my entry. I really tried to make the tarantella a prominent ingredient, partially so I'd remember what it was, as I have to admit I wasn't familiar with the term before I saw it as an ingredient. I too tend to write adventures cinematically, and the scene of miserable, forced dancers flinging shadows into the desert night was really the first core image I hit upon. The crematorium was initially a little tough, but I figured with real estate (good cave real estate) scarce in the desert, doing double duty on a location would make sense. Tying the ashes of the foot bones to the dancing dust was a way to really make sure that it didn't seem nonsensical, and gave a good explanation for the curse. Also, I like the idea of the villager's former ancestors bones being used as a sacred ritual component, as well as being used against them. I was thinking of putting in an appearance by The Dancing One towards the end - After seeing Zappo's entry I think perhaps a 'tunnel vision' could have worked there as a god-inspired prompting. I didn't really think of it at the time though, and the god's appearance seemed superfluous, especially with my limited time and wordcount. The disappearing arrows - I guess it does seem sort of contrived. Originally I had him using arrows of brilliant energy, sniping through the walls of tents, etc. Couldn't think of a way for the poison to get on an energy arrow though, seemed unlikely to me, so I changed them to disappearing assassin arrows. I didn't remember that they leave real arrow holes until later and decided to just leave the injuries for the PCs to find. I thought of perhaps making blunt disappearing arrows, but that seemed even more contrived unless I could find a way to incorporate that into the story further, and I couldn't. I did think of having Garesk spread the poison another way, but I decided that the archery aspect had to be maintained, and I was thinking at the time that the blunt instrument aspect would be stronger. Wulf said: "I could have lived with Garesk’s archery being less important, if for no other reason than to preserve verisimilitude." Well why didn't you tell me that Monday night? ;) The club symbol was representative of the dancing sticks, which were supposed to be the Danging One's holy symbol. They were used by the priests to keep rythym in the dances in his honor, etc. They were a beloved icon of the god, representing his dogma to the people. I guess I didn't make that very clear, but that was what I was going for. They were represented on the skin when the toxin was taken by the priests as a further sign of their piety (and also so they would know when it was working and when it had worn off). I actually thought this was a pretty good use of the ingredient, and I liked the image of the traditional rituals to the dancing god, with villagers dancing frenzily and others beating out a crazy rythym with the sticks in a circle around them - sort of like an african tribal dance. I think that didn't really come across. I had some extra paragraphs about the rituals and such, but I cut them as I thought they weren't needed for the adventure... perhaps a mistake. I was also using the priestess as a blunt instrument, she was a little slow and Garesk was using her to convey his 'godly intent' to the people. I had a little more with the village leader, but didn't get to it (see below). The tunnel vision was difficult. In my original thoughts on the matter, Ophiran (the village leader) had a much more prominent part. He was to be getting his information from Shadik, and they would both be doing the 'tunnel vision' thing regarding their duties. Shadik would be ignoring other sources of the curse, and passing that on to Ophiran, who would neglect to look at things like the new villagers (Jareena & Hophas) as possible causes for this problem in his zeal to just try and get it solved. I also liked the visual of the shadows of the dancers in the elevated cave being seen from the village and off in the desert (a vision seen through a tunnel opening, so to speak). In the end, I think I made a few mistakes. I should have made sure that my editing didn't affect the overall effect and use of ingredients, and made sure they were all appropriately and clearly explained. I probably should have just bit the bullet and kept the entry longer - but I was worried that I'd be writing 'too bad I made it so damn long, otherwise...' here instead of this ;) Guess I know that the 2500 word limit isn't as big a sticking point (with Wulf as judge anyway) for future tourneys. Still, I had fun and was finally able to participate (yay!). I don't feel too bad about the loss, as Zappo's was a good entry, and I had a feeling after reading it that it was going to be hard case for mine anyway. I look forward to watching the rest of the tourney play out. I'll definitely be around for future competitions, and I'll close with the traditional IronDM sentiment that Zappo really needs to take the gold here so that I can at least say I lost to the best! :) -spacemonkey Ah, and if only the ingredient had been a dancing girl or a faithful eunuch instead of tunnel vision... ;) [/QUOTE]
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[IRON DM] Spring 2004 Contest Thread FINAL JUDGMENT POSTED, CHAMPION ANNOUNCED!
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