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Last of the King's Men- a novel I'm writing. Looking for feedback!
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<blockquote data-quote="jonesy" data-source="post: 5824026" data-attributes="member: 10324"><p>Well, are you planning on getting it published? Or is this an exercise to get you up to speed before you start writing something original? It might be a good idea to rid the story of all D&D related imagery and use your own (and if your idea is to write for WotC they do not accept uncommissioned works, as far as I know).</p><p></p><p>The first impression of the story is that it is a wall of text. You need to break it down a bit more. At the very least use proper spaces between paragraphs. I know it's really hard to avoid the infodump when you're trying to introduce everything, especially in a fantasy or scifi story, but a better pacing would really benefit the telling of the story. </p><p></p><p></p><p>The story seems to have this odd refusal to commit to one idea running through it, where I have a hard time seeing what it is that the narrator really wants to say:</p><p></p><p>1. You describe the orcs as not being intelligent enough to even beg mercy, but they have a king.</p><p></p><p>2. "When the news arrived, brought by a single weary servant who only survived because he had been far enough away from his home to hide from the invasion like a coward"</p><p></p><p>Why coward? Because he's a servant and far away? Huh?</p><p></p><p>3. Is the reader supposed to feel bad for the orcs because of the genocide, or side with the king because they are "nothing but vermin"? I notice you use the term offspring instead of children. If that is simply how you want to represent the kings thoughts on the matter, maybe you should consider having the king say these things, instead of the narrator. Unless the king is supposed to be the narrator?</p><p></p><p>4. Are the orcs there to be the main threat or a red herring? If the former, you might as well have them be zombies the way you describe them. If the latter, it's what I as a reader immediately thought of, again because of the way you describe them.</p><p></p><p>5. He won't send his army, but he will send the "kingdom’s finest"? And they include merchants and minstrels? What's going on there?</p><p></p><p>6. Little oddities like: "The small halfling’s black eyes were tired, but vigilant."</p><p></p><p>7. There's a chain of evidence, but the whole thing might only be a hunch? How does that work?</p><p></p><p>8. "Being several years Artemis’ senior, there was little Artemis could do to keep Orin from making his life a living hell- until one day, several years back, when the Lograd Army began recruiting members to help guard the nation’s southern border."</p><p></p><p>How is Orin getting recruited something that Artemis can do to keep him from making his life hell? Is there something missing from the middle of that sentence?</p><p></p><p></p><p>Edit:</p><p></p><p>I do realize that when critiquing something I tend to not talk about the good parts, and instead focus on the problems I see. So, don't think it's all bad.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="jonesy, post: 5824026, member: 10324"] Well, are you planning on getting it published? Or is this an exercise to get you up to speed before you start writing something original? It might be a good idea to rid the story of all D&D related imagery and use your own (and if your idea is to write for WotC they do not accept uncommissioned works, as far as I know). The first impression of the story is that it is a wall of text. You need to break it down a bit more. At the very least use proper spaces between paragraphs. I know it's really hard to avoid the infodump when you're trying to introduce everything, especially in a fantasy or scifi story, but a better pacing would really benefit the telling of the story. The story seems to have this odd refusal to commit to one idea running through it, where I have a hard time seeing what it is that the narrator really wants to say: 1. You describe the orcs as not being intelligent enough to even beg mercy, but they have a king. 2. "When the news arrived, brought by a single weary servant who only survived because he had been far enough away from his home to hide from the invasion like a coward" Why coward? Because he's a servant and far away? Huh? 3. Is the reader supposed to feel bad for the orcs because of the genocide, or side with the king because they are "nothing but vermin"? I notice you use the term offspring instead of children. If that is simply how you want to represent the kings thoughts on the matter, maybe you should consider having the king say these things, instead of the narrator. Unless the king is supposed to be the narrator? 4. Are the orcs there to be the main threat or a red herring? If the former, you might as well have them be zombies the way you describe them. If the latter, it's what I as a reader immediately thought of, again because of the way you describe them. 5. He won't send his army, but he will send the "kingdom’s finest"? And they include merchants and minstrels? What's going on there? 6. Little oddities like: "The small halfling’s black eyes were tired, but vigilant." 7. There's a chain of evidence, but the whole thing might only be a hunch? How does that work? 8. "Being several years Artemis’ senior, there was little Artemis could do to keep Orin from making his life a living hell- until one day, several years back, when the Lograd Army began recruiting members to help guard the nation’s southern border." How is Orin getting recruited something that Artemis can do to keep him from making his life hell? Is there something missing from the middle of that sentence? Edit: I do realize that when critiquing something I tend to not talk about the good parts, and instead focus on the problems I see. So, don't think it's all bad. [/QUOTE]
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