Erik the Human
First Post
This is an adaptation of a campaign my character Erik the Human partook in. Hope you enjoy.
By the time I reached The Meat Spit the dead elf I was carrying over my shoulder felt like a sack of cement. I pushed through the swinging doors, carried the cadaver over to the long cook’s counter and lay him down next to my sketch pads with a sigh of relief. The elf had a purple face and a ring around his throat from the hangman’s noose but was otherwise undamaged. Dr. Joshua would pay well for the anatomy drawings, my customers would pay for the meat.
I tied a rope strung through a ring on the ceiling around the elf’s ankles and hoisted him into the air. After placing a large clay bowl below his head I opened up my sheath of instruments and made an incision in the right and left internal jugular veins letting the blood slowly drain out. I expected the Drider Eldray to show up this evening and it would be an easy sell. When the exsanguination was finished I lifted the body back onto the counter.
Rollic, would you be so kind?
Rollic looked over from where he was chopping carrots and jalapenos and grunted an affirmative. Rollic was young for a Minotaur, with his horns barely poking through his mass of curly hair, but even at this early age he was muscled like, well, an ox. He hefted his thick cleaver and quickly severed the head, arms and legs. Then he wiped it on his apron. Throw out the bits and pieces this time he said. Rollic was tidy and hated waste.
I opened up the chest cavity and made a quick sketch. The ribs would cook, as would the liver and we could probably sell the heart to one of the more savage guests. After sketching the biceps, quadriceps, and other muscle groups I sliced them out and threw them on the grill. The head was more problematic. After drawing the optic nerves and eyeball lens I sawed open the skull and removed the brain. Surely some adventurous type might eat it, perhaps on a dare. The rest I threw with the intestines into a bucket that would go to Zed, the zombie Cloud Giant that guarded all the buildings in Hag’s Court.
At that point my third business partner sashayed in carrying a stool and a violin over to the small raised platform against the north wall. Sillia was dressed in tan pants, shirt and veil that left her green scales and waist length snake hair plain to see. I knew that she was too young to actually turn anyone to stone, but that wasn’t common knowledge. During business hours she would play and sing. Her snakes, while they couldn’t speak, could harmonize quite well. Songs of drinking and heroism were her favorites. She sat down on her stool, opened a wooden case and began skillfully applying her make up. One of the Hags will be in today for her cut. Let’s have a profitable night she said.
Sing me a song about the heroism of Man, Sil I said.
I don’t know any. The human heroes all died out five centuries ago along with your empires. Now you’re just soft and pink and scrapping out a desperate living from the leavings of superior races she smirked.
Then sing me a song about that.
I’ll try to think of one.
Earlier that day I’d picked up a triton tail from the Sahuagin fish market and started carving off slices. I’d just finished when the sand ran out of the hour glass signaling opening time offering our customers a choice of elf, fish, rum, or stew. Doctor Joshua of the Voltis Town Hospice was the first to enter and ordered a tall mug of rum. Rollic and I helped him with his surgery from time to time and respected him a great deal. He could do things with cord, staples, and metal that you’d swear were magic, and for a tenth of the cost. His Hospice was located across the cul de sac of Hag’s Court from the Meat Spit and was always full. He was rather interested in my drawing of the elven eye and passed over a few silver for it.
As predicted Eldray the Drider didn’t take long to clatter inside. The Drow didn’t bother me much; they basically staid in their city states fantasizing about racial superiority and outside of the occasional raid left the rest of us alone. I didn’t know if Eldray was an outcast or spy or both. All I knew was he was an expert at making poisons that I didn’t care about and narcotics I did. They added some light and color to the constant struggle for money that life seemed to be. I warmed a mug of elf blood over the fire and walked over to the corner table Eldray had taken.
Do I smell what I think I do?
Pure tree tickling moon struck dandelion eater for just five silver.
Aww you make me happy like I had my legs back. The drider took a sip and licked his lips. I have a problem for me that is an opportunity for you he said. My go to guy Tom Chiogen went off to harvest me some ingredients and hasn’t come back. The problem is his hunting ground is a cave beneath the water line near Third Dock and my kind don’t swim so well. So perhaps you three would like to rescue his runty arse and get me my supply.
That’s possible. Speaking of supply however…
I got your Sannish. Agree to save the Halfling and bring me some raw materials along with him and I’ll let you have it for free along with fifty gold when the job is done.
Sounds like a deal. I reached over and took a proffered veil of bluish liquid. I was about to partake when swinging doors opened and a troop of gnolls lead by large beast with a dyed red mane strode in. The leader loudly demanded rum and song. Sillia started up a stomp and clap version of Yeenoghu Breaks the City Gates and I rushed over to help Rollic serve the alcohol.
By the time Sillia had moved through Howl at Red Moon, and into The Triumph of Savagery the gnolls were deep in their cups. Red mane was explaining to Rollic how their ship had found a sloop with a broken mast three days east and the Red Reavers were in town to celebrate until their money ran out. Rollic nodded and wiped the vomit off the counter.
Just as the tavern was about to close the doors creaked open one last time and the unwelcome sight of a landlady walked through. Five feet high with green skin, warts, and brown hair with twigs and berries in it Hypaxis was eldest of the covenant of Hags that sub leased Hag’s Court. She ambled up to the counter and accepted a glass of rum.
Voltis has upped taxes, she said without preamble, it’ll be 20 gold this week.
Rollic coughed and sputtered that we had fifteen and change.
It’s 20 gold Hypaxis repeated.
I got us some work I said quickly, tomorrow, fifty gold, should be easy. Give us till then.
Hypaxis gummed her lips together a few times and said fine, you have one day, and remember to feed Zed your leftovers I don’t want him snacking on anyone.
So what’s this job said Sillia.
By the time I reached The Meat Spit the dead elf I was carrying over my shoulder felt like a sack of cement. I pushed through the swinging doors, carried the cadaver over to the long cook’s counter and lay him down next to my sketch pads with a sigh of relief. The elf had a purple face and a ring around his throat from the hangman’s noose but was otherwise undamaged. Dr. Joshua would pay well for the anatomy drawings, my customers would pay for the meat.
I tied a rope strung through a ring on the ceiling around the elf’s ankles and hoisted him into the air. After placing a large clay bowl below his head I opened up my sheath of instruments and made an incision in the right and left internal jugular veins letting the blood slowly drain out. I expected the Drider Eldray to show up this evening and it would be an easy sell. When the exsanguination was finished I lifted the body back onto the counter.
Rollic, would you be so kind?
Rollic looked over from where he was chopping carrots and jalapenos and grunted an affirmative. Rollic was young for a Minotaur, with his horns barely poking through his mass of curly hair, but even at this early age he was muscled like, well, an ox. He hefted his thick cleaver and quickly severed the head, arms and legs. Then he wiped it on his apron. Throw out the bits and pieces this time he said. Rollic was tidy and hated waste.
I opened up the chest cavity and made a quick sketch. The ribs would cook, as would the liver and we could probably sell the heart to one of the more savage guests. After sketching the biceps, quadriceps, and other muscle groups I sliced them out and threw them on the grill. The head was more problematic. After drawing the optic nerves and eyeball lens I sawed open the skull and removed the brain. Surely some adventurous type might eat it, perhaps on a dare. The rest I threw with the intestines into a bucket that would go to Zed, the zombie Cloud Giant that guarded all the buildings in Hag’s Court.
At that point my third business partner sashayed in carrying a stool and a violin over to the small raised platform against the north wall. Sillia was dressed in tan pants, shirt and veil that left her green scales and waist length snake hair plain to see. I knew that she was too young to actually turn anyone to stone, but that wasn’t common knowledge. During business hours she would play and sing. Her snakes, while they couldn’t speak, could harmonize quite well. Songs of drinking and heroism were her favorites. She sat down on her stool, opened a wooden case and began skillfully applying her make up. One of the Hags will be in today for her cut. Let’s have a profitable night she said.
Sing me a song about the heroism of Man, Sil I said.
I don’t know any. The human heroes all died out five centuries ago along with your empires. Now you’re just soft and pink and scrapping out a desperate living from the leavings of superior races she smirked.
Then sing me a song about that.
I’ll try to think of one.
Earlier that day I’d picked up a triton tail from the Sahuagin fish market and started carving off slices. I’d just finished when the sand ran out of the hour glass signaling opening time offering our customers a choice of elf, fish, rum, or stew. Doctor Joshua of the Voltis Town Hospice was the first to enter and ordered a tall mug of rum. Rollic and I helped him with his surgery from time to time and respected him a great deal. He could do things with cord, staples, and metal that you’d swear were magic, and for a tenth of the cost. His Hospice was located across the cul de sac of Hag’s Court from the Meat Spit and was always full. He was rather interested in my drawing of the elven eye and passed over a few silver for it.
As predicted Eldray the Drider didn’t take long to clatter inside. The Drow didn’t bother me much; they basically staid in their city states fantasizing about racial superiority and outside of the occasional raid left the rest of us alone. I didn’t know if Eldray was an outcast or spy or both. All I knew was he was an expert at making poisons that I didn’t care about and narcotics I did. They added some light and color to the constant struggle for money that life seemed to be. I warmed a mug of elf blood over the fire and walked over to the corner table Eldray had taken.
Do I smell what I think I do?
Pure tree tickling moon struck dandelion eater for just five silver.
Aww you make me happy like I had my legs back. The drider took a sip and licked his lips. I have a problem for me that is an opportunity for you he said. My go to guy Tom Chiogen went off to harvest me some ingredients and hasn’t come back. The problem is his hunting ground is a cave beneath the water line near Third Dock and my kind don’t swim so well. So perhaps you three would like to rescue his runty arse and get me my supply.
That’s possible. Speaking of supply however…
I got your Sannish. Agree to save the Halfling and bring me some raw materials along with him and I’ll let you have it for free along with fifty gold when the job is done.
Sounds like a deal. I reached over and took a proffered veil of bluish liquid. I was about to partake when swinging doors opened and a troop of gnolls lead by large beast with a dyed red mane strode in. The leader loudly demanded rum and song. Sillia started up a stomp and clap version of Yeenoghu Breaks the City Gates and I rushed over to help Rollic serve the alcohol.
By the time Sillia had moved through Howl at Red Moon, and into The Triumph of Savagery the gnolls were deep in their cups. Red mane was explaining to Rollic how their ship had found a sloop with a broken mast three days east and the Red Reavers were in town to celebrate until their money ran out. Rollic nodded and wiped the vomit off the counter.
Just as the tavern was about to close the doors creaked open one last time and the unwelcome sight of a landlady walked through. Five feet high with green skin, warts, and brown hair with twigs and berries in it Hypaxis was eldest of the covenant of Hags that sub leased Hag’s Court. She ambled up to the counter and accepted a glass of rum.
Voltis has upped taxes, she said without preamble, it’ll be 20 gold this week.
Rollic coughed and sputtered that we had fifteen and change.
It’s 20 gold Hypaxis repeated.
I got us some work I said quickly, tomorrow, fifty gold, should be easy. Give us till then.
Hypaxis gummed her lips together a few times and said fine, you have one day, and remember to feed Zed your leftovers I don’t want him snacking on anyone.
So what’s this job said Sillia.
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