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Spring Ceramic DM™: WINNER POSTED!
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<blockquote data-quote="Piratecat" data-source="post: 1487910" data-attributes="member: 2"><p><span style="color: Orange"><span style="font-size: 12px"><strong>Judgment of Match 1-7: <a href="http://www.enworld.org/forums/showpost.php?p=1479871&postcount=279" target="_blank">WanderingMonster</a> vs. <a href="http://www.enworld.org/forums/showpost.php?p=1480955&postcount=299" target="_blank">BardStephenFox.</a></strong></span></span></p><p></p><p><strong><u>Maldur:</u></strong></p><p></p><p>Myth and a bad end, or metal and a bad end. Both are great stories. But I am still a cyberpunk player at heart. <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite1" alt=":)" title="Smile :)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":)" /> </p><p></p><p>BardStevenFox gets my vote. </p><p></p><p>PS: this was one of those "why can't I advance both of them?" deals!</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p><strong><u>Arwink:</u></strong></p><p></p><p>Wanderingmonster – Myth of Day</p><p></p><p>Wanderingmonster starts off with a story that has a real mythic feel, working his way forwards from the very first question. It’s a powerful thing to hang a story on, and for much of the piece he manages to maintain a voice and mood that works in tandem with his key theme. Unfortunately, it starts to loose this cohesion as it progresses on, introducing elements that seem incongruous with the setting in order to accommodate the images. Small questions start to cause ruptures in the integrity of the story – how does an innocent man from the dawn of time start understand prison? </p><p></p><p>Once Solrath is introduced to the story, it progresses to quickly to keep balance with the more measured beginning, giving the narrative a strange feel that leaves the conclusion slightly unsatisfying. The pace of the language in the first half is more in keeping with the mood, and I couldn’t help feeling a little lost when the sudden rush to meeting with the Bright Lady began.</p><p></p><p>BardStephenFox – Cleansing</p><p></p><p>I’m a big fan of Cyberpunk tales, but BardStephenFox overloads us with the dense style and meat references in the early stages of this story. It’s a delicate balance to strike with this kind of character, particularly with the pseudo-stream-of-consciousness style narration being used here, but the over-use of the term tends to turn Monkey into a rather flat character rather than a more rounded one. He becomes a figure of cartoon menace rather than an understated and intelligent killer.</p><p></p><p>As the story develops, the connections and the characters become more intricate and the Meat references start to become more contextual zed rather than stylized. There are some very cool ideas inherent within the intersection between the cyberpunk ethos and the religious beliefs that are touched on, and I can’t help wishing the story had delved into this a little more. The action is well handled, and the pace of the story is well maintained.</p><p></p><p>The real flaws here, for me, largely came down to dialogue that doesn’t ring true and an ending that is a little too ambiguous to carry the rest of the story. For the most part, this is a respectable story that could easily develop into something interesting if it were given a little more space.</p><p></p><p>Judgment</p><p></p><p>Both the stories contained some interesting elements, but in the end I give the round to BardStephenFox because I’m a sucker for a good cyberpunk story and I’ve not seen one used in this competition before. </p><p></p><p></p><p><strong><u>Piratecat:</u></strong></p><p></p><p>Wandering Monster starts off with a wonderfully mythic feel. He really communicates the happy simplicity at the beginning of civilization, where cynicism simply has no place. I liked the first half of this very much.</p><p></p><p>The tone began to change about halfway through, because I'm not sure the protagonist's reaction to Solrath's conversation rings true. He began to get cynical and suspicious so quickly that the abrupt ending dilutes much of its possible impact. Oddly enough, I'm reminded of a Muppet Christmas Carol, where Michael Caine's Scrooge becomes a sympathetic character too quickly. This is the reverse, and as you give up the contrast of happiness vs. misery you lose sight of what Helianthus has really forsaken. I would have like to have seen a little more self-reflection and questioning.</p><p></p><p>Even for that, I really enjoyed this story. Photo usage was good to great. The book tie-in to "sharp" wasn't used, but I like the imagery of "hands", and setting "arms" as a sun goddess was inspired.</p><p></p><p>My first impression of BardStephenFox's "Cleansing" is that the first paragraph tries too hard. It bludgeons the setting into your consciousness with too many repetitions (ten in one paragraph) of the concept "meat," almost sinking into self-parody, when a little more subtlety might have been much more effective. <span style="font-size: 9px">(Plus it made me hungry.)</span> Even with a string of "its/it's" errors, though, the atmosphere and grittiness comes through nicely. I was left with the impression that the narrator is very good at his job but not very bright. Communicating that sort of wary cunning is difficult, and BSF managed to do it nicely both here and in the well written action descriptions.</p><p></p><p>The core of the story is an elegant dance between memory and action that works extremely well. The internal dialogue rings true to me, although not all the conversations between people do, and I would have liked to see more focus on the interplay between religion and augmentation. There's some fascinating concepts in there. I'd also like to see a little more focus on who Singh is and what has happened to him. One complaint with the ending: since the bulk of the story is first-person narration, relating the death of the narrator is quite awkward, as is the shift to third-person narration for the last paragraph. I think keeping the last paragraph as first-person narration with a different "reborn" attitude might have been more effective.</p><p></p><p>Photo usage was quite good. The foreshadowing of "hidden," the use of "sharp" as a self-image, the combat potential of "arms"... all nicely done.</p><p></p><p>My judgment is for BardStephenFox. Both stories are good, but BSF manages to pack his with a denseness of detail and world development that hints at a well developed and complex world beyond this one particular story.</p><p></p><p></p><p><strong>FINAL JUDGMENT:</strong> 3 out of 3 for BardStephenFox, who will go on to the second round.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Piratecat, post: 1487910, member: 2"] [COLOR=Orange][size=3][b]Judgment of Match 1-7: [url=http://www.enworld.org/forums/showpost.php?p=1479871&postcount=279]WanderingMonster[/url] vs. [url=http://www.enworld.org/forums/showpost.php?p=1480955&postcount=299]BardStephenFox.[/url][/b][/size][/COLOR][size=3][b][/b][/size] [b][u]Maldur:[/u][/b] Myth and a bad end, or metal and a bad end. Both are great stories. But I am still a cyberpunk player at heart. :) BardStevenFox gets my vote. PS: this was one of those "why can't I advance both of them?" deals! [b][u]Arwink:[/u][/b] Wanderingmonster – Myth of Day Wanderingmonster starts off with a story that has a real mythic feel, working his way forwards from the very first question. It’s a powerful thing to hang a story on, and for much of the piece he manages to maintain a voice and mood that works in tandem with his key theme. Unfortunately, it starts to loose this cohesion as it progresses on, introducing elements that seem incongruous with the setting in order to accommodate the images. Small questions start to cause ruptures in the integrity of the story – how does an innocent man from the dawn of time start understand prison? Once Solrath is introduced to the story, it progresses to quickly to keep balance with the more measured beginning, giving the narrative a strange feel that leaves the conclusion slightly unsatisfying. The pace of the language in the first half is more in keeping with the mood, and I couldn’t help feeling a little lost when the sudden rush to meeting with the Bright Lady began. BardStephenFox – Cleansing I’m a big fan of Cyberpunk tales, but BardStephenFox overloads us with the dense style and meat references in the early stages of this story. It’s a delicate balance to strike with this kind of character, particularly with the pseudo-stream-of-consciousness style narration being used here, but the over-use of the term tends to turn Monkey into a rather flat character rather than a more rounded one. He becomes a figure of cartoon menace rather than an understated and intelligent killer. As the story develops, the connections and the characters become more intricate and the Meat references start to become more contextual zed rather than stylized. There are some very cool ideas inherent within the intersection between the cyberpunk ethos and the religious beliefs that are touched on, and I can’t help wishing the story had delved into this a little more. The action is well handled, and the pace of the story is well maintained. The real flaws here, for me, largely came down to dialogue that doesn’t ring true and an ending that is a little too ambiguous to carry the rest of the story. For the most part, this is a respectable story that could easily develop into something interesting if it were given a little more space. Judgment Both the stories contained some interesting elements, but in the end I give the round to BardStephenFox because I’m a sucker for a good cyberpunk story and I’ve not seen one used in this competition before. [b][u]Piratecat:[/u][/b] Wandering Monster starts off with a wonderfully mythic feel. He really communicates the happy simplicity at the beginning of civilization, where cynicism simply has no place. I liked the first half of this very much. The tone began to change about halfway through, because I'm not sure the protagonist's reaction to Solrath's conversation rings true. He began to get cynical and suspicious so quickly that the abrupt ending dilutes much of its possible impact. Oddly enough, I'm reminded of a Muppet Christmas Carol, where Michael Caine's Scrooge becomes a sympathetic character too quickly. This is the reverse, and as you give up the contrast of happiness vs. misery you lose sight of what Helianthus has really forsaken. I would have like to have seen a little more self-reflection and questioning. Even for that, I really enjoyed this story. Photo usage was good to great. The book tie-in to "sharp" wasn't used, but I like the imagery of "hands", and setting "arms" as a sun goddess was inspired. My first impression of BardStephenFox's "Cleansing" is that the first paragraph tries too hard. It bludgeons the setting into your consciousness with too many repetitions (ten in one paragraph) of the concept "meat," almost sinking into self-parody, when a little more subtlety might have been much more effective. [size=1](Plus it made me hungry.)[/size] Even with a string of "its/it's" errors, though, the atmosphere and grittiness comes through nicely. I was left with the impression that the narrator is very good at his job but not very bright. Communicating that sort of wary cunning is difficult, and BSF managed to do it nicely both here and in the well written action descriptions. The core of the story is an elegant dance between memory and action that works extremely well. The internal dialogue rings true to me, although not all the conversations between people do, and I would have liked to see more focus on the interplay between religion and augmentation. There's some fascinating concepts in there. I'd also like to see a little more focus on who Singh is and what has happened to him. One complaint with the ending: since the bulk of the story is first-person narration, relating the death of the narrator is quite awkward, as is the shift to third-person narration for the last paragraph. I think keeping the last paragraph as first-person narration with a different "reborn" attitude might have been more effective. Photo usage was quite good. The foreshadowing of "hidden," the use of "sharp" as a self-image, the combat potential of "arms"... all nicely done. My judgment is for BardStephenFox. Both stories are good, but BSF manages to pack his with a denseness of detail and world development that hints at a well developed and complex world beyond this one particular story. [b]FINAL JUDGMENT:[/B] 3 out of 3 for BardStephenFox, who will go on to the second round. [/QUOTE]
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