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Spring Ceramic DM™: WINNER POSTED!
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<blockquote data-quote="BSF" data-source="post: 1488011" data-attributes="member: 13098"><p>Wow! Thanks! WanderingMonster, thanks for giving me a run I am dying to read your story, my wife says it is good, but now I am superstitious. Last tourney, I read each story as it was posted and I think my writing suffered because of it. This time, I am trying something different. <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite5" alt=":confused:" title="Confused :confused:" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":confused:" /> </p><p></p><p>Now, a little self-criticism with the judges' help. First of all, its/it's errors? (oh good grief!) OK, that just goes to show that my first draft should not be my final draft. In the end, I wrote this story up in a 5 1/2 hour sitting with a single break to check EN World for relaxation. I think it shows in the rushed manner of the story.</p><p></p><p>I thought about these pictures Sunday night, and Monday day and thought it might be a vampire story. (Pre-pictures, I was wondering if I could work in a story about this guy that is wandering a maze, though he can't remember why he is there. All he knows is that people keep trying to kill him.) The crux of the story all came from the hands through the gate. At first I thought it was a vampire prying the links apart. But, I couldn't get past all the sunlight. So, what else could pry the links apart? A cyborg could. This scene developed in my head of a cyborg doing something that a normal human couldn't and thinking about what his psychiatrist had told him about using his hands more. It seemed like a powerful scene and I set it aside until I needed it. In the end, it ended up looking like a throwaway scene. Anyway, I started crafting the elements in my head Monday night and Tuesday at work. I knew I wouldn't have time to write on Wednesday, so Tuesday night was my only writing window. I should have tried to start sooner.</p><p></p><p>Meat - Yes, it is grossly overused in that first paragraph! <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite1" alt=":)" title="Smile :)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":)" /> My wife told me I should cut some of it. I pretty much agreed with her and in a second draft, I would have. The thing is, I was trying to write from the perspective of a psychopath. I (hopefully & thankfully) don't have much experience with that. As a writer, I used that first paragraph to benchmark Monkey's total disdain for unaugmented people. Establishing that, I wanted to work toward more humanity as he neared Durga. I wanted to push a bit more of that feeling, but I lost sight of it in a flurry of keystrokes.</p><p></p><p>Monkey - No, Monkey is not the brightest guy out there. Little clues like forgetting he doesn't have a language chip socketed, talking about Meat in front of the mind-doc, and language choices. I wish the dialog worked better, but it was hard for me to conceptualize how somebody that is fundamentally broken in how he interacts with people would talk. I was _hoping_ the poor dialog helped convey this. </p><p></p><p>Dr. Singh - I wanted to include more about him, but in the end, I couldn't think of a satisfying way to bring him into the story. He helped make borgs, so he helped introduce demons into the flesh of man. How did he react to Durga? Did she forgive him or send him on to be reborn? How would Monkey react if Singh was in the room? So many questions and I want answers, but I couldn't figure out how to do that and keep the focus on Monkey.</p><p></p><p>Hannah - The story moves forward in time, while moving backward in memory. But, I would have liked to have expanded a bit more on who the mind-doc was so the reader could judge why her death was a tragedy and how much she affected Monkey.</p><p></p><p>Hidden - The hardest picture for me to integrate, so I decided it was something from his memory. Then it became a theme. It worked nicely I think. Piratecat, thank you for pointing out the perspective shift! That is one of my weak points. I could have written that part much more effectively if I had stayed in Monkey's head. In retrospect, that's a no brainer.</p><p></p><p>Other story weaknesses - Where do I start? There are many in there. I just wanted to comment on the things that have been eating my brain the last few days. I think there might be a good story to polish in here though. That's one of the first times I can say that, so I think I might plan to rework this sometime down the road. It might be a good addition to Mythago's<a href="http://www.enworld.org/forums/showthread.php?t=74456" target="_blank">Kiln-Fired Ceramic DM</a> thread. </p><p></p><p>Thank you for the comments and for liking the story. Now, I will look forward to round two.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BSF, post: 1488011, member: 13098"] Wow! Thanks! WanderingMonster, thanks for giving me a run I am dying to read your story, my wife says it is good, but now I am superstitious. Last tourney, I read each story as it was posted and I think my writing suffered because of it. This time, I am trying something different. :confused: Now, a little self-criticism with the judges' help. First of all, its/it's errors? (oh good grief!) OK, that just goes to show that my first draft should not be my final draft. In the end, I wrote this story up in a 5 1/2 hour sitting with a single break to check EN World for relaxation. I think it shows in the rushed manner of the story. I thought about these pictures Sunday night, and Monday day and thought it might be a vampire story. (Pre-pictures, I was wondering if I could work in a story about this guy that is wandering a maze, though he can't remember why he is there. All he knows is that people keep trying to kill him.) The crux of the story all came from the hands through the gate. At first I thought it was a vampire prying the links apart. But, I couldn't get past all the sunlight. So, what else could pry the links apart? A cyborg could. This scene developed in my head of a cyborg doing something that a normal human couldn't and thinking about what his psychiatrist had told him about using his hands more. It seemed like a powerful scene and I set it aside until I needed it. In the end, it ended up looking like a throwaway scene. Anyway, I started crafting the elements in my head Monday night and Tuesday at work. I knew I wouldn't have time to write on Wednesday, so Tuesday night was my only writing window. I should have tried to start sooner. Meat - Yes, it is grossly overused in that first paragraph! :) My wife told me I should cut some of it. I pretty much agreed with her and in a second draft, I would have. The thing is, I was trying to write from the perspective of a psychopath. I (hopefully & thankfully) don't have much experience with that. As a writer, I used that first paragraph to benchmark Monkey's total disdain for unaugmented people. Establishing that, I wanted to work toward more humanity as he neared Durga. I wanted to push a bit more of that feeling, but I lost sight of it in a flurry of keystrokes. Monkey - No, Monkey is not the brightest guy out there. Little clues like forgetting he doesn't have a language chip socketed, talking about Meat in front of the mind-doc, and language choices. I wish the dialog worked better, but it was hard for me to conceptualize how somebody that is fundamentally broken in how he interacts with people would talk. I was _hoping_ the poor dialog helped convey this. Dr. Singh - I wanted to include more about him, but in the end, I couldn't think of a satisfying way to bring him into the story. He helped make borgs, so he helped introduce demons into the flesh of man. How did he react to Durga? Did she forgive him or send him on to be reborn? How would Monkey react if Singh was in the room? So many questions and I want answers, but I couldn't figure out how to do that and keep the focus on Monkey. Hannah - The story moves forward in time, while moving backward in memory. But, I would have liked to have expanded a bit more on who the mind-doc was so the reader could judge why her death was a tragedy and how much she affected Monkey. Hidden - The hardest picture for me to integrate, so I decided it was something from his memory. Then it became a theme. It worked nicely I think. Piratecat, thank you for pointing out the perspective shift! That is one of my weak points. I could have written that part much more effectively if I had stayed in Monkey's head. In retrospect, that's a no brainer. Other story weaknesses - Where do I start? There are many in there. I just wanted to comment on the things that have been eating my brain the last few days. I think there might be a good story to polish in here though. That's one of the first times I can say that, so I think I might plan to rework this sometime down the road. It might be a good addition to Mythago's[URL=http://www.enworld.org/forums/showthread.php?t=74456]Kiln-Fired Ceramic DM[/URL] thread. Thank you for the comments and for liking the story. Now, I will look forward to round two. [/QUOTE]
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