“Getting back to the creature's most distinctive feature, its hair, it has been observed that umplebies on occasion craft items with hairs plucked from their own bodies and woven into strands. These are most often simple ropes – quite durable due to the inherent strength of the creature's hair
[8] – although items as intricate as nets and mesh bags for storage are occasionally crafted as well.
[9] These items are usually stored upon the umpleby's body by wrapping it around the torso or a limb, where it is instantly camouflaged by obscuring layers of the creature's own hair.”
Jaspernyck ventured a quick verse:
“Umps make bags of middling size
Hanging there between their thighs
Umps have proven they're no fools
It's where they store their family jewels!”
That got him a roar of laughter from the audience and a round of appreciative applause. Ignoring this, Willowquisp continued on with his briefing.
“Given the vast amounts of hair covering an umpleby's body, there is little external differentiation between the sexes.
[10] Like all mammals, females nurse their young, although to do so they must dig through layers of hair to allow their baby to feed. In fact, when a female nurses her young the baby is most often completely obscured by the mother's hair; some females go to the lengths of creating a harness made of braided hair much in the manner of a papoose to keep the baby at close quarters without restricting her own movements and keeping her hands free as needed.
“Umplebies, for the most part, live a solitary existence, forming a family unit only long enough to create a single child – no more than three umplebies have ever been seen together before at one time – and raise it long enough that it can survive on its own. At that point, the child eventually wanders off and the parents take that as their cue to each go their separate ways. The family den is abandoned, each parent likely returning to its own secret lair to verify the status of its own personal treasures, which it hides even from its temporary mate.”
In a sudden spurt of inspiration, Scarnivale sang:
“When an umpleby takes a wife
Do you think they mate for life?
Nope, long enough to raise a child.
Then each goes off into the wild.”
Without missing a beat, Jaspernyck picked up the tale:
“Where do they lair? Well, no one knows.
A cave? A den? Sure, one of those.
A sep'rate place for family:
The mom, the dad, and babe makes three.”[11]
But Scarnivale wasn't willing to give up the last word on the subject. Plucking the strings of his lute, he continued:
“But one day, when that babe is grown
And he wanders off on his own
His mom and dad say, 'Well, that's that
No telling where that kid is at.'
The time has come, by then, of course
To grant an umpleby divorce
So mom and dad go separate ways
And look ahead to better days.”
A chorus of laughter erupted from the crowd. Jaspernyck kept a smile on his face but was apparently starting to worry that his red-clad opponent was faring better of the two of them. Willowquisp's scowl told quite readily his thoughts that he had no use for either of the two bards or their silly contest; he'd much rather be able to give his briefing uninterrupted. Seeing the musical interruptions had once again abated, he continued.
“Umplebies have a reputation for clumsiness, and in fact are often found bumping into things and tripping and stumbling about, but it is believed this is only due to a decrease in their ability to see clearly when their hair is in their eyes, restricting visibility. When they are focused upon something – for example, crafting a net from their own hair – they have been shown to have quite an innate dextrousness. In fact--”
But Willowquisp was cut off, quite abruptly, by Jaspernyck, who had apparently found the moment he'd been waiting for: another brilliant use of a rhyme for “umpleby” he was sure would grant him a additional heaping helping of respect for his quick-wittedness. The words practically flowing from his mouth without any need for conscious thought or effort, he plucked the strings of his lyre and sang aloud:
“Take your average umpleby.
Guess how far his jump'll be?
You'd think, 'Well, maybe ten feet long.'
Yes, you'd think that, but you'd be wrong.
It defies rational explanation,
But umps have no coordination.
They bump their heads, they stub their toes,
They trip and get a bloody nose.”
Jaspernyck, in turn, was cut off by an interruption from Scarnivale, not about to let his rival continue for too long without him being able to stick in his own two coppers. He sang, accompanied by his lute:
“(And as things go, that ain't all bad,
Else we'd not know a nose they had!
It's hard to tell a nose is there
When it's covered by so much hair!)”
With a black scowl, Willowquisp gathered together his notes, shuffled them into a neat pile, folded them in half, and stuffed them into the pocket of his robe. “That's it!” he barked. “I have had quite enough of this travesty! It's quite apparent none of you have any real interest in the topic at hand, and I for one have no desire to continue being interrupted in what I had been led to believe was a serious discussion of the umpleby....”
“But we
are all interested!” insisted Pantalfrume. He looked to the audience, waving his hands in a gesture to get their approval. “Aren't we, folks?” The crowd clapped, increasing the level of ther apparent enthusiasm by the frantic hand gestures of the announcer. “By all means, please continue with your presentation, Willowquisp!”
“You want more information about umplebies?” asked the elderly sage, his face now a bright red from indignation. “Fine: Umplebies have been known to spontaneously grow seven extra noses in times of stress! Their favorite color is chartreuse! Blue dragons consider them to be a particular delicacy!
[12] Inhaling smoke from burning umpleby hair can be used to trigger euphoric visions!
[13] The finest wigs are usually made from a shaved umpleby's butt hair, but they sometimes end up smelling funny! An umpleby can be taught to sing in a perfect falsetto, but only if it wears a purple hat! Do with that what you may; good day to you, gentlemen!” And with that, the elderly sage stormed out of the ring of illumination around the lecture podium, leaving the two bards and the flustered announcer standing alone at the front of the tent.
Pantalfrume opened his mouth to speak but could think of nothing to say; the evening's entertainment had collapsed all around him and he was already worrying the audience members would start demanding reimbursement of the money they'd spent to watch the Battle of the Bards. But then Jaspernyck, in a fit of inspiration, turned to the crowd and sang:
“It looks as if, the truth be told
Our Bardic Battle is on hold!
It can't be finished at this stage:
It seems as if we broke our sage!”
The crowd erupted with laughter, not sure if this was part of the planned event or not. Scarnivale added, as the last word on the subject of umplebies:
“These umplebies are shaggy folks.
Surely one of life's little jokes.
Good for a laugh, if you can find 'em.
I wonder just which god designed 'em?”
He and Jaspernyck then bowed as if this was how the event had been planned; they didn't want to face demands for a refund any more than did Pantalfrume. The cheers from the audience showed they'd been bilked into believing all was as it had been intended to be, even if neither bard had come out as the definitive winner of the verbal joust.
NOTES
8. An umpleby's hair is very tough: it's 50% more difficult to cut, break, or burn than the magical strands of a
web spell. A jermlaine tribe would absolutely
love getting their hands on umpleby hair, given its inherent superiority over the hair of humans, elves, and dwarves – their normal sources. In fact, if a tribe of jermlaine had access to a deep-sleeping umpleby and were able to shave it while it slept they'd likely have more hair than they'd know what to do with.
9. Hair bags are usually tightly woven and used to store coins and gems for transport; the bags are usually worn around the neck or waist and tucked into the creature's ample body hair, where it disappears from view. Nets are used to catch the occasional small prey (generally rabbits, squirrels, and the occasional chipmunk) or to fend off attacks; they are often worn wrapped around the waist like a belt or sash until needed. A high-quality (masterwork) net of umpleby hair can be sold for up to 100 gold pieces; most umplebies are perfectly willing to sell their nets, realizing they can always craft another one easily enough.
Due to the creatures' ability to generate electrical blasts, masterwork nets made of woven umpeby hair cost only half the normal amount to imbue with the
shock or
shocking burst magic weapon special abilities.
10. This is not at all surprising, given just how much hair we're talking about. It would be similarly difficult to tell a human man from a human woman if each were garbed in 18 different layers of clothing.
11. While it's true there will never be more than three umplebies ever found together (and then only as a mated pair with a single child; umpleby pregnancies never result in more than one baby at a time), there are on occasion lair guardians hanging about an umpleby's abode. Shambling mounds are most often of these lair guardians, attracted by the umplebies' ability to generate electrical attacks, upon which the shamblers feed. Umplebies are smart enough to “zap” their shambler guardians to temporarily increase their Constitution scores, granting them additional hit points and the ability to stay in the fight that much longer.
Shocker lizards are often found around umplebies as well, generally attracted to them when they use their morning “flea-zapper” burst of electricity, which the shocker lizards can detect. Once they figure out neither creature can harm the other with electricity (as both umplebies and shocker lizards are immune to it), they often fall into an alliance of convenience; by lairing together they ensure their dens are easier to guard.
Volts, on the other hand, are never found around umplebies, for the umplebies consider the floating, large-eyed volts to be nothing more than horrid pests. This is because the volt attacks by biting with its lampreylike mouth, getting a good grasp, and then stinging with its electrical tail-stinger. Having only animal intelligence and the ability to sense electrical discharges, volts are often attracted to umplebies and don't let the massive amount of shaggy hair, which prevents them from establishing a firm grasp on the umplebies with their mouths, from stopping them from trying to bite the umplebies again and again.
12. Willowquisp's spouting off nonsense at this point, but this particular fact is true: blue dragons
do consider umplebies to be somewhat of a delicacy, no doubt having something to do with the umpleby's likely employment of its defensive electrical zap while being devoured. (Blue dragons, of course, are just as immune to electricity as are umplebies and are not harmed at all by this gesture.) To a lesser extent, behirs also find umplebies to be fine eating for the same reason.
13. No it can't; the rancid smell of burning umpleby hair is more likely to induce vomiting than euphoria.
