Two Towers (spoilers and fun stuff): LotR as a bad D&D game!

This is a thread for funny stuff, not a thread for bitching. Be warned!

Anyways, as I lay in bed this morning in the full-fledged afterglow of the Two Towers, something occurred to me. Elrond emptied Rivendell - but where the heck was Bilbo? He's must still be in Rivendell, alone and very confused!

"Err, hello? I'm ready for dinner now. Hello? Hello? Drat it all!"

Well, there was that terrible moment when Legolas goes to kiss Eowyn, but finds Gimli instead.


Hong "it was meant to be" Ooi

Can't you just see The Two Towers as a badly run D&D game?

GM: Failed your climb check, huh? You slip and plummet.
PC1: Cool!
PC2: Cool? Dude, you're falling to your death! Now we have to finish this stupid quest without your mage.
PC1 (ignoring PC2): Can I see my sword?
DM: Err... sure!
PC1: Okay, I want to fall down and grab my sword from mid-air.
PC2: What the hell? You dropped that like two rounds ago when you failed your balance check, then you wasted another round calling me a "fool" in character.
PC1: So?
PC2: You know how far something falls in three rounds?
DM (ignoring PC2): Okay, you've got it! Glamdring slides into your hand. You see the balrog falling below you.
PC2: But balrogs have wings! It says so right in the MM!
PC1 (ignoring PC2): Cool! I want to go attack the balrog!
PC2: You WHAT? Are you stoopid?
DM: You... umm, okay. Roll to hit.
PC2: What? No AoO?
PC1: A critical! I hang on to him and keep hitting him on the way down. Whack! (to PC2) This is going to be MY kill, baby. All those lovely, glorious XPs for a balrog, mine alone.
DM: (rolls a critical for the balrog that would kill PC1, panics, ignores dice) It missed you! Roll to hit again.
PC1: YEAH! You're going down, servant of Melkor!
PC2: This is stupid. I'm going to go get some Mountain Dew.

(later)

PC2: Is this debacle over yet?
PC1: Almost, man. It's really wounded, but I'm down to my last few hit points. We beat each other up swimming for a while, then climbed a bunch of stairs, and now we're on the top of the mountain.
PC2: Oh, brother.
DM: It hit you again for... (roll dice, cheat on result) 5 points of damage.
PC2: 5 points! It's supposed to be a balrog!
PC1: Shut up. I'm at negative 1. Can I take one last swing?
DM: Umm, sure.
PC1: Hit! And 8 points of damage! Hoody hoo!
DM: Wow - you killed it! It falls off the cliff - 7d6 points of falling damage -
PC2, sotto voce: winnnnggggsss.... it has wings!
DM: - and collapses on the mountain below you.
PC1: Yeah! In your face, balrog! I collapse back into the snow.
DM: Roll some stabilization checks.

(roll, roll)

DM: You failed them ALL?
PC2: Hah!
PC1 (miserable): Yeah.
DM: Hey, I know! You get all the balrog's experience points, right? So that puts you up a level, giving you more hitpoints, and you don't die!
PC1: YES! Hahaha.. I'm unstoppable. Mage with a sword, baby! Balrog-bane!
PC2: You guys suck. I'm going home.
PC1: I'm putting all my new skill points in animal empathy, ride, and disguise (evil wizard).

Well you know why Gandaulf(sp?) is so powerful when he comes back? He killed the Balrog by himself, got all the XP.

Piratecat said:

PC2: You guys suck. I'm going home.

Click to expand...

*chuckle* Thanks for the laugh.

It is such a good time to be a geek.

SD

Edit: That is the commentary needed for these dvd's- the d&d version.

A little later in the session...

GM: You look through the pile of dead bodies. It smells terrible, but (rolls) you do find one of the hobbits’ belts.
PC1: S**t. I hate halflings. They’re way too much trouble. What are we gonna do now?
PC2: Wait, wait, wait. There’s gotta be some sign of them around here.
GM: You just had a troupe of orcs slaughtered by a full squad of cavalry here. There’s no way you’re gonna find any tracks.
PC2: Now, wait a minute. You mean I took all of the those ranks in Wilderness Lore, and I can’t even track a stupid halfling in the middle of a field?
PC1: I hate halflings.
PC2: Shaddup. (to GM: )You gotta at least give me a try.
GM: (rolling eyes) : Alright. Roll a d20.
PC2: (rolls) 20! Plus 5 for my Wisdom, plus 5 more for my Looks Good in Leather template, plus 18 ranks, and I had a great dream about Arwen last night, which should give me a +2 circumstance bonus like it did last game when I almost missed that save… 50!
PC1 (sotto voce): Munchkin.
GM: (sighs) : Alright. You see a hobbit-shaped depression in the hay. Tracks seem to lead off into the forest.
PC1: Greaaaaat. The cowards probably probably ran and climbed a tree or somethin’. I hate …
GM and PC2: Shaddup!
PC2: We follow the tracks into forest. What do we see?
GM: You go about a quarter-mile into the forest when (rolls) you hear some rustling behind you. Roll a Reflex save or be blinded by the power of the Ainar.
PC2: (rolls) I rolled a 1. What happens?
GM: You’re momentarily blinded by a pure, scintillating white light. As you recover, you can make out the form of Gandalf.
PC1: Sweet! Gandalf never gets killed. I glad he’s back!
GM: Gandalf tells you that he killed off the Balrog, was killed himself, but the gods of Middle Earth have brought him back to life to help you guys out.
PC1: Cool! Did he gets any uber lootz from the gods?
PC2: (sotto voce) I hate DMs who use their old PCs as NPCs.

DM: You stand behind the 3' rampart wall, gripping your weapons in sweating hands. Out on the field of battle, the horde advances.
PC1: I look around. How many of them are there? (rubs hands, thinking of all the exp.)
DM: There's a wall in front of you. You can't see a thing.
PC1: What the hell! Like, you said it was a 3' wall. I'm a 4 and a half foot dwarf. Since when can't I see over a frikkin' 3' wall?
PC2: (Snickers) Shortarse.
PC1: You shut up, nancy boy. (turns back to DM) And why can't I see over the wall!
DM: 'Cuz it's funny, Dude.
PC2 & DM: (collapse in laughter)
PC1: Screw you. I'm outta here.

DM: Well, yeah, but you're maybe fifteen feet away from the bridge.
PC1: Toss me.
PC2: Ha! Okay... uh... I glare at Gimli.
PC1: No, really... toss me. It's the only way we can get over there. We're out of SPIDER CLIMB, and we need to get over there before they cleave through all the 3rd level NPCs.
PC2: Toss you, eh? Okay. What would I roll for that?
DM: Uh... uh.... Roll a strength check.
PC1: I'd make it a ranged attack with some minuses, myself...
DM: (rolls eyes) okay, fine. Make a ranged attack at minus six... you're not proficient in firing dwarf-shaped weapons.
PC2: Good enough for me. *roll*... seventeen!!
PC1: Yes!!
DM: Uh, okay, you fly over and smash some Uruk-hai out of the way. Since you held your action, you can attack as soon as you land.
PC2: I jump over.
DM: Okay, roll dem dice.
PC1: Take your time, laddie! I'm up to eleven!
PC2: Well, cleave will do that for you. *rolls* ....uh. Nine?!
DM: (references jump skill, does some calculations) Um. Looks like you clear seven feet.
PC2: What?? Can I make a reflex save to grab the bridge?
PC1: Yeah!
DM: No, you're still eight feet away from the bridge.
PC1: You said it was MAYBE fifteen feet to the bridge from where we were.
DM: Yeah, fifteen feet.
PC1: So it's fifteen feet for sure now, no MAYBE? How about ten? He could reach three feet away.
DM: No, it's fifteen feet.
PC1: Fine, I just think you could stand to be more consistent, is all.
DM: Oooh... 6d6 falling damage, Aragorn... 22 points of damage.
PC2: I'm dead. That is SO unfair. I had so much stuff in my character background I didn't get to do yet! The whole king of Gondor thing... the reforging of Narsil... I was gonna do that elf chick...
DM: Well, you're dead. The game goes on. Roll up some stats. Going to be that blackguard you've been itching for, I assume?
PC2: Yeah. Man. That sucks.
PC1: You were robbed, dude.
PC2: I hate this module.

Why the other two didn't do much before Aragorn arrives in Helm's Deep

DM: Ok, let’s recap – last week you guys just finished fighting off an ambush of worgs while protecting the peasant march to Helm’s Deep. Since Dave is late again, I’m ruling he fell of a cliff or something, that will show him.
PC1: I look over the cliff; did he drop any swag as he went over?
PC2: I check out the bodies.
DM: There is no sign of him over the cliff, but Legolas finds the Elven Jewel on one of the dying monsters.
PC2: Sweet! That has got to be worth some serious gps. Maybe I can use it to upgrade my bow again!
PC1: (sarcastic) That’s just what we need. You go elf.
PC2: (oblivious) Thanks!

DM: OK after two more days of marching, you see the fortress ahead. It’s stone wall impenetrable for an age. The fortress seems to be built from …
PC1: Enough talk, I go look for the Brewmaster!
PC2: Oh, I wonder if there is some where I can unload this necklace!

DM: The king seems …
PC1: Brewmaster!!
DM: (sigh) Ok, Gimli finds the brewmaster and are nice and toasty after about half an hour. Legolas, the only people here are peasants and such, no one has enough money to buy the jewel.
PC2: How about the Aowen chick? She seemed very interested in it before.
DM: When you show it to Aowen she starts to weep uncontrollably.
PC2: You are just saying that so I can’t buy a better bow.
DM: No I’m not! Besides there is no-one here to make it, and even it there were he’d be preparing for the upcoming siege.
PC2: Come on, you didn’t even roll for it. (whispering to PC1) What siege.
PC1: (shugs) Dave keeps track of all the plat stuff.
DM: OK, roll a percentile on a “00” there is someone here who could make the bow, but that sill does not …
PC2: w00t, a “00”
PC1: That looked like a “12” to me.
(kicking sound?)
PC1: Owch, I mean that was lucky. (sarcastic) A “00” just when you needed it.
PC2: (oblivious) Thanks! It sure was lucky!

DM: Ok, there is a old retired weapon forger in here, but he is too busy to make your bow.
PC2: I use diplomacy on him: Rolls. 19 with modifiers that’s 29! He’s my best bud.
DM: Ok he starts working on your bow. The people are starting to get restless and doing various tasks relating to the preparations for the siege. What’s Gimli been doing?
PC1: Drinking.
DM: All day?
PC1: Yes.

(Door opens, PC3 walks in)
PC3: Sorry I’m late, but there was trouble at the orphanage again.
DM: No prob, we just started. Aragorn rides into the gate, bloody but alive.
PC2: Whatever, DM’s pet.
PC3: So what’s happening?
PC1: We finally got to this Helm’s Deep place and nothing is happening.
PC3: How may days have passed?
PC2: Like 2, and people are acting all strange like.
PC3: That’s because a S**T load of Orcs and such are coming tonight! (to DM) Do we know how many?
DM: Lets see d100 x 100, and I rolled a “00” too. Aragorn saw an army of ten thousand.
PC1: Alright Bring them on.
PC2: Darn, I don’t have enough arrows for that.
DM and PC3 (sigh)

Edit. The greater and less than sighs do not work like () on the web

Legolas- " I waste him with my longbow." for the KoDT fans...