[Humor/Spoilers] Return of the King as a bad D&D game?

With a tip of the hat to Piratecat, who started this thread on Two Towers last year. It's too good an idea to let go by again, so: How would RotK have played out around some dinner tables around the world?

Player 1: OK. So I'm running around on the battlefield, avoiding the war elephants and trying to pick off as many people as I can with my bow.
DM: Those are some big critters, and you're a pretty visible target as an elf with demonstrated l33t archery skills. I'm gonna say that (pause) five archers get a shot off at you this round (Rolls 15 dice, sighs) they all miss.
P1: Whew, that was lucky. I need to change things a bit. What's the DC for climbing up the side of an elephant as it's going full speed, while it's carrying a dozen archers who are trying to kill me?
DM: Well.... that'd be, like, a DC... 100.
P1: OK. (rolls) Made it!
DM: (groans) Next thing you're going to tell me is that you're going to cut the platform off of the elephant, hang on to the rope as it falls off the side so that you can climb all the way to the top, use Manyshot to fire arrows into the elephant's brain, then surf down its trunk as it dies!
P1: Good idea. I'll make sure I land right in front of Player 2, jus' for style points.
DM: Sigh.

(Edit: Thanks, TracerBullet - I ran out of time to find the link!)

Eridanis said:

With a tip of the hat to Piratecat, who started this thread on Two Towers last year. It's too good an idea to let go by again, so: How would RotK have played out around some dinner tables around the world?

Click to expand...

Edited...found it myself. And here it is for anyone else who's looking...

http://www.enworld.org/forums/showthread.php?t=34298

Eridanis said:

P1: Good idea. I'll make sure I land right in front of Player 2, jus' for style points.

Click to expand...

That still only counts as one!

Line of the film.

-Hyp.

DM: Okay, the orc army looks to be a couple miles away and is marching towards the city. Now would be a good time to prepare some defenses and help rally the troops.

Wizard: Nah, I loaded up on big spells. In one minute, my first Reality Maelstorm prepped with War Spell goes off. The planar rift is 2000 feet across, so anyone in the area needs to make DC 30 Will saves to avoid getting dumped to a random plane. The rift creates a windstorm 4000 ft across that sucks anyone failing the DC 30 Ref save into the planar.

DM: So you kill just about everything over an area of almost a mile?

Wizard: Yep. And it lasts for 2 minutes, so it will also slow their advance.

DM: Seems reasonable, since they have to go around, or wait for the Nazgul to dispel it.

Wizard: That should give me enough time to fire off my other 2 War maelstorms. If the wraiths start getting close, I'll use Great Rod of Quickening and a Meteor Swarm to hammer them. They aren't interupting my spells.

DM: Well, actually, some of the Nazgul failed their saves too. And the winds are strong enough to ground the others.

Wizard: Okay, then I fire off my other maelstorms and also use War Mass Devastions.

DM: Err, then you blow up the army in about 5 minutes. You only get XP for the Nazgul though.

Wizard: Rip off.

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The real reason Aragon turned down the One Ring: He liked his ring of permanent Haste and his ring of spell turning better than a crappy ring of Invisibility.

Player 1: OK, so I'm still alive, even though I lost my +2 orcbane short sword and that stupid plot-item of yours. I'll look around to make sure that spider's still not after me.
DM: Make your Spot check.
Player 1: Let's see. 13, plus all of my bonuses... 21. Do I see anything?
DM: You see nothing, and then you feel a sharp jab of pain as you are hit by Shelob's stinger. Make a Fortitude save.
Player 1: What? Stinger? Do you even know what a spider looks like?!
DM: It's a special spider. Now roll the save.
Player 1: Damn it! A 2!
DM: Your eyes roll up and you foam at the mouth. Take [roll, roll] 8 points of Strength damage.
Player 1: Well, I'm gone. [sotto voce] Damn hobbits...
DM: Shelob grabs you and wraps you in her silk. she opens her mandibles to feed, and...
Player 2: I jump in, carrying Sting and the Light of Elendil, and shout "Get away from him, you filth!"
Player 1: But I left you behind at the Stairs!
Player 2: It's not in character for me to give up that easy. Besides, you know Gollum was tricking you now, don't you?
Player 1: Well, yeah...
DM: Shelob drops the catatonic Frodo and lunges for you, fangs snapping.
Player 2: I designate the spider for my Dodge bonus and wave the Light menacingly.
DM: Shelob cringes, but it's not good enough. She lunges [roll, roll] and misses you narrowly.
Player 2: OK, I climb up onto the rock wall, in order to get my higher ground bonus.
DM: Shelob follows you up.
Player 2: Fine. I attack [roll, roll]. A 25 total. Nice! Did I hit?
DM: You stab Shelob in the mouth, and she cringes and screeches.
Player 2: Good! I dive underneath her, and stab upwards at her belly.
DM: Wha...
Player 2: She's Huge, right? That means I can move through her space, right? That way, I'm out of reach of her bite.
DM: Fine. She [roll, roll] fails her attack of oppurtunity, and you get to attack.
Player 2: Crap! A 1!
DM: Sting flies from your hand, and Shelob [roll, roll] grapples you, preventing you from grabbing it back.
Player 2: Fine. That's what Escape Artist is for. [Roll, roll]. 32. Do I get free?
DM: Yes. [sigh].
Player 2: I grab Sting and thrust it deeply into her belly.
Player 1: Do you realize how Freudian that sounds?
Player 2: Shut up. [Roll, roll] A natural 20! Double damage! That's [roll, roll] 32 points right there.
DM: Shelob screeches in pain, and retreats. You are victorious. And the xp puts you up a level.
Player 2: Finally! Screw the gardener thing, this one's going into fighter.

Demiurge out.

DM: Okay, you managed to drive the vicious spider back into her cave. You look over and you can see Frodo lying on the ground, covered in webs.
PC1: Is he moving?
DM: Nope, he looks dead to you
PC2: I'm not dead!
PC1: Okay, I'm gonna loot the body. Does he have anything good?
PC2: Hey! I'm not dead!
PC1: Shut up, I want that ring. Does he have anything else? Any gp?
DM: As you start rifling through your fallen companion's loot, you notice his sword start to glow.
PC1: Sweet, a magic sword! Wait a minute...where'd you get this?
PC2: Oh..um..it was a..uh..gift...from a relative. *nervously hides his character sheet*
PC1: This sucks, you get all this phat loot from the NPCs and all I get is lembas bread. I'm gonna go hide over here, maybe the orcs will take you away. Thanks for the ring, sucka!

DM: (rolls) The troll strikes you again, dealing 32 damage and knocking you to the ground.
Aragorn: Okay, I won't stand up, since that would provoke an AoO. Instead, I'll draw my dagger and stab the troll in the foot. (rolls a few times)
DM: You hit it for 5 damage.
Aragorn: Dammit. I came this far, only to get waxed by a troll.
DM: ...Um, suddenly, the troll runs away. In fact, the Dark Lord's entire army suddenly breaks and retreats. In the distance, you see the dark tower crumbling. Congratulations, the dark lord has been destroyed and the quest is over!
Aragorn: ...You're serious.
Legolas: It's over just like that?
DM: Just like that.
Gandalf: And to think, I was saving up all the spell charges in my staff for the battle with the BBEG.

Merry: Wait a minute, I just noticed that Eowyn and I are flanking the Witch-King. Sneak-attack damage, here I come! (rolls) Ooh, good rolls. I inflict 54 damage.
DM: The witch-king pitches forward and screams as your sword strikes a painful blow.
Eowyn: I attack with my longsword, sacrificing my full BAB to do a Power Attack and weilding it as a two-handed weapon since the bastard broke my shield. (rolls twice) Ooh, a critical hit! I deal... (rolls) ... 47 damage!
DM: Uh... you thrust your sword into his helmet and he dies.
Merry: Really? I thought the Witch-King was supposed to be a major badass.
Eowyn: Yeah, that dire tiger we fought in our other campaign was a bigger challenge.

One reason why this thread is funny is that D&D (any edition) is a terrible system to model combat with.

Aragorn: I try to command the Undead.
Legolas and Gimli: You WHAT?!??!

DM: Grief stricken and hopeless, Denethor orders the soldiers to abandon Minas Tirith.
Player 2: Man, what a whiner.
Player 1: I'll say. What;'re the soldiers doing?
DM: Staring at the regent in shock. Some of them are starting to turn to leave.
Player 2: We can't take on 9 wraiths, 8 oliphants, an army or orcs and a fleet of mercenaries by ourselves! Gandalf's the one with Diplomacy, stop him!
DM: Did you read the module!?
Player 1: Okay, I whack Denethor with my staff!
DM: You what?
Player 2: Cool! (hiding his copy of Return of the King under his Player's Handbook)
DM: Don't you have, like, 15 ranks in Diplomacy?
Player 1: I also have this +4 quarterstaff. So, I hit him! (roll, roll) 22 and 24! Hah! For (roll roll) 16 points of damage!
DM: (hastily looks up the stats for Denethor) (sigh) His eyes roll back in his head and he falls over, unconscious.