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Spring Ceramic DM™: WINNER POSTED!
- Thread starter Piratecat
- Start date
Piratecat
Sesquipedalian
Judgment of Match 1-2: Macbeth vs. Thullgrim.
Maldur:
Strangely enough, once again criminals as the main characters, this time in both stories. For me its Thullgrim this time, a stronger more coherent story, and I like selfcontained stories more than continuing ones.
So thullgrim gets my vote.
Arwink:
Thullgrim
While I liked Thullgrim’s character and the potential for drama that comes from playing out the story as an act of confession, I don’t think the style every really lived up to the potential. A big problem I had with the tale came down to the issues of conflict and narrative tension – there really didn’t seem to be anything driving the story forward beyond the basic concern of having a plot to follow. Why does Riley, after being kidnapped and stolen by a strange cult, feel the need to confess after killing his first human? It seems a strange reaction for someone who makes his life as a thief, even a relatively noble one who never kills, to think of confession before flight in this kind of situation. Perhaps if Riley had been a devout catholic, with the father already privy to many of his secrets, this would have made more of an impact – and it would also provide the missing link between the series of events so the ready can start to process *why* these things have happened to Riley.
Macbeth – Vis-a-Vis
Nice opening sentence – it gives us an insight into the main characters personality as well as setting the scene. From there it tends to wander a little – there’s a lot of dialogue, very little set-up of the setting beyond that, and the characterization is a little flat. James and Maria are interesting enough, especially with James’ bad luck working against him so often, but they mostly remain a vehicle for humor and narrative rather than being the characters that drive the jokes and story. I’d like to see James luck playing a more important place in the story – or at least having some kind of demonstration of it in the story to give credence to his complete lack of surprise at everything. I’d also suggest putting more description of setting and character in – as someone who doesn’t remember the images and doesn’t look until the end of the round, the picture use fell flat not because the ideas were bad, but because the description was essentially little more than “Insert picture here.” It’s an acceptable tactic, but I tend to appreciate the extra step of really bringing the images into the story.
I’ll commend Macbeth for having the guts to attempt the beginning of a multipart story (something that I can only remember Sialia and Snitch doing before), but I’d suggest putting more effort into making each chapter an individual story that can stand on its own rather than aiming towards the “To Be Continued” result – only getting a part of a story isn’t entirely satisfying for the reader.
Judgment
Being the first team is always a hard spot to be in, particularly in a competition like this, and although there are problems with both entries they are the problems common to any draft of a story produced within such a short time-span as this. Thullgrim’s had some nice ideas, but didn’t really link them in a satisfying way, while Macbeth’s was more controlled in its narrative but cut us off far to early in the story.
In the end, I’m inclined to give the round to Macbeth as I had a slightly clearer idea of his characters by the close of the story, but it’s a close contest.
Piratecat:
I’ll start by complaining that there are punctuation and spelling errors throughout both stories. That’s a pet peeve of mine, and they make the stories a lot less legible than they should be. One or two typos aren’t a big deal, but a pattern shows that the story hasn’t been reread or spell-checked. All else being equal, if I’m judging two stories of equal caliber but one has more errors in it, you can probably guess which way my decision will lean.
The opening paragraphs of Thullgrim’s story paint a vivid and compelling picture. Lines like “dark with age and polish, and the sins of thousands” really work well; that’s where he hooked me, although the use of the confession as a narrative device didn’t work as well as I had hoped. How about picture use? Well, the painting certainly plays a major role in the story. The horses (or steeplechase race) is basically a throwaway reference that could just as easily not have been there at all. I love the use of the fish tank hose around the woman’s neck, though – very creative. The use of the tomb is somewhat neutral.
I note a tendency in the story to describe things as if it were a D&D module, instead of a story, and that weakens the tale. For instance, take the paragraph “The room is circular in shape with a raised dais in the center of the room and what it is obviously an altar in the center. There are people in the room, dressed in robes, wearing masks of gold, dancing around the altar chanting. Obviously they are the source of the chanting. Incense burns in sconces scattered about the room, filling the room with a thin haze.” That’s perfect for an adventure but a little awkward here because it breaks up the action. Some of the dialogue didn’t quite ring true, either, such as the priest’s final statements. The ending was a little predictable, but very satisfying. Good conclusion; I found myself wanting to know more about the cult.
For Macbeth’s entry, I wasn’t sure at first whether this was supposed to be a comedy or simply darkly amusing. Some of the elements he used conflicted in this regard. For instance the clever dialogue was great, but the use of blatant puns really destroyed the mood. Sterling is a fine character, a little reminiscent of Donald E. Westlake’s wonderful Dortminder capers, and the snappy dialogue which involved him carried the story far more than the plot itself.
For picture use, the tomb and painting use was just fine. The use of “coil” seems really odd to me, because that’s clearly not a man in the photo; no explanation was given for why the character had the tubing around his head. The use of the horse picture was excellent, though, and a great example of how to insert the reader right into an action photo.
Overall, my judgment goes to Macbeth. While not a complete story (and that’s certainly a weakness), the combination of the humor and good conversations managed to carry the day.
FINAL JUDGMENT: 2 out of 3 for Macbeth, who will go on to the second round.
Maldur:
Strangely enough, once again criminals as the main characters, this time in both stories. For me its Thullgrim this time, a stronger more coherent story, and I like selfcontained stories more than continuing ones.
So thullgrim gets my vote.
Arwink:
Thullgrim
While I liked Thullgrim’s character and the potential for drama that comes from playing out the story as an act of confession, I don’t think the style every really lived up to the potential. A big problem I had with the tale came down to the issues of conflict and narrative tension – there really didn’t seem to be anything driving the story forward beyond the basic concern of having a plot to follow. Why does Riley, after being kidnapped and stolen by a strange cult, feel the need to confess after killing his first human? It seems a strange reaction for someone who makes his life as a thief, even a relatively noble one who never kills, to think of confession before flight in this kind of situation. Perhaps if Riley had been a devout catholic, with the father already privy to many of his secrets, this would have made more of an impact – and it would also provide the missing link between the series of events so the ready can start to process *why* these things have happened to Riley.
Macbeth – Vis-a-Vis
Nice opening sentence – it gives us an insight into the main characters personality as well as setting the scene. From there it tends to wander a little – there’s a lot of dialogue, very little set-up of the setting beyond that, and the characterization is a little flat. James and Maria are interesting enough, especially with James’ bad luck working against him so often, but they mostly remain a vehicle for humor and narrative rather than being the characters that drive the jokes and story. I’d like to see James luck playing a more important place in the story – or at least having some kind of demonstration of it in the story to give credence to his complete lack of surprise at everything. I’d also suggest putting more description of setting and character in – as someone who doesn’t remember the images and doesn’t look until the end of the round, the picture use fell flat not because the ideas were bad, but because the description was essentially little more than “Insert picture here.” It’s an acceptable tactic, but I tend to appreciate the extra step of really bringing the images into the story.
I’ll commend Macbeth for having the guts to attempt the beginning of a multipart story (something that I can only remember Sialia and Snitch doing before), but I’d suggest putting more effort into making each chapter an individual story that can stand on its own rather than aiming towards the “To Be Continued” result – only getting a part of a story isn’t entirely satisfying for the reader.
Judgment
Being the first team is always a hard spot to be in, particularly in a competition like this, and although there are problems with both entries they are the problems common to any draft of a story produced within such a short time-span as this. Thullgrim’s had some nice ideas, but didn’t really link them in a satisfying way, while Macbeth’s was more controlled in its narrative but cut us off far to early in the story.
In the end, I’m inclined to give the round to Macbeth as I had a slightly clearer idea of his characters by the close of the story, but it’s a close contest.
Piratecat:
I’ll start by complaining that there are punctuation and spelling errors throughout both stories. That’s a pet peeve of mine, and they make the stories a lot less legible than they should be. One or two typos aren’t a big deal, but a pattern shows that the story hasn’t been reread or spell-checked. All else being equal, if I’m judging two stories of equal caliber but one has more errors in it, you can probably guess which way my decision will lean.
The opening paragraphs of Thullgrim’s story paint a vivid and compelling picture. Lines like “dark with age and polish, and the sins of thousands” really work well; that’s where he hooked me, although the use of the confession as a narrative device didn’t work as well as I had hoped. How about picture use? Well, the painting certainly plays a major role in the story. The horses (or steeplechase race) is basically a throwaway reference that could just as easily not have been there at all. I love the use of the fish tank hose around the woman’s neck, though – very creative. The use of the tomb is somewhat neutral.
I note a tendency in the story to describe things as if it were a D&D module, instead of a story, and that weakens the tale. For instance, take the paragraph “The room is circular in shape with a raised dais in the center of the room and what it is obviously an altar in the center. There are people in the room, dressed in robes, wearing masks of gold, dancing around the altar chanting. Obviously they are the source of the chanting. Incense burns in sconces scattered about the room, filling the room with a thin haze.” That’s perfect for an adventure but a little awkward here because it breaks up the action. Some of the dialogue didn’t quite ring true, either, such as the priest’s final statements. The ending was a little predictable, but very satisfying. Good conclusion; I found myself wanting to know more about the cult.
For Macbeth’s entry, I wasn’t sure at first whether this was supposed to be a comedy or simply darkly amusing. Some of the elements he used conflicted in this regard. For instance the clever dialogue was great, but the use of blatant puns really destroyed the mood. Sterling is a fine character, a little reminiscent of Donald E. Westlake’s wonderful Dortminder capers, and the snappy dialogue which involved him carried the story far more than the plot itself.
For picture use, the tomb and painting use was just fine. The use of “coil” seems really odd to me, because that’s clearly not a man in the photo; no explanation was given for why the character had the tubing around his head. The use of the horse picture was excellent, though, and a great example of how to insert the reader right into an action photo.
Overall, my judgment goes to Macbeth. While not a complete story (and that’s certainly a weakness), the combination of the humor and good conversations managed to carry the day.
FINAL JUDGMENT: 2 out of 3 for Macbeth, who will go on to the second round.
Last edited:
alsih2o
First Post
arwink said:The first of my judgements has been sent to the esteemed head judge and dread pirate kitty-cat.
Good luck folks
Thanks for letting us know Arwink, From alsih2o.
That's alsih2o, not his crummy opponent Cool Hand Luke. who never seems to say anything nice to any fo the judges.
Macbeth
First Post
Well, first of all, thanks for the criticism. Based on the judge's reponses, I'm reconsidering the running story aspect of the plot. It may just come down to the next set of pictures, and how well the fit into the setting and characters. Obviously having a "To Be Continued" worked against me, but I thought the story still stood on its own.
As for spelling/grammar errors: what can I say, Mea Culpa. I wrote it from a different word proceesing program then I'm used to, and totally forgot the spellcheck, since I usualy use the spell-as-you-go feature that highlights mistakes. I will do better next time.
In defense of the "coils" picture: I didn't actually immediately see a women. To me, at first glance, it looked like a effeminate man who got mugged by an avant garde fashion designer. So I ran with that impression. Apparently, it didn't come across too well. Eh, I feel the picture is not to gender specific, oh well, the story works just as well with a female villian.
The humor was a bit all over the place, I agree. I blame it on my recent reading: Terry Pratchett, Neil Gammien, and Douglas Adams. I didn't feel it was that hard to take, that while I was a bit scattered in my types of comedy, they still worked fine as a whole. Thank you for pointing out that this does not work. I'll try to find a single 'feel' in the future, but I would expect to see more comedy in the future. I just need to find a comfortable voice somewhere between dark humor and farce. I think what really killed any kind of dark humor feel was the "fashion victim" aspect of Isoceles, but I was streching a ibt for the picture, to make evry aspect of it work, which obviously I didn't do.
The characters were a bit flat. In fact I started out with a different idea for Sterling, but he took on his own life on the page. In retrospect, with the feel I
got for him by the end, I should have edited the whole thing to make him deeper and more in line with the final vision I arrived at. Unfortunately, I'm not good at going back and rewritting, so I didn't. Live and learn...
And I can't say thank you enough for the "snappy dialogue" comment, I was shooting for that, but didn't think it would come across. And knowing my dialogue didn't get bogged down too much gives me a nice feeling of accomplishment to go along with all the work I know I still have to do.
All in all, thank you all very much for all of the criticism, and for even taking the time to read my little story. I would also like to thank my opponent. Nice job, Thullgrim, you had me a little worried, and for good reason. I hope to see you around future Ceramic DM competitions. And now, On to round 2!
As for spelling/grammar errors: what can I say, Mea Culpa. I wrote it from a different word proceesing program then I'm used to, and totally forgot the spellcheck, since I usualy use the spell-as-you-go feature that highlights mistakes. I will do better next time.
In defense of the "coils" picture: I didn't actually immediately see a women. To me, at first glance, it looked like a effeminate man who got mugged by an avant garde fashion designer. So I ran with that impression. Apparently, it didn't come across too well. Eh, I feel the picture is not to gender specific, oh well, the story works just as well with a female villian.
The humor was a bit all over the place, I agree. I blame it on my recent reading: Terry Pratchett, Neil Gammien, and Douglas Adams. I didn't feel it was that hard to take, that while I was a bit scattered in my types of comedy, they still worked fine as a whole. Thank you for pointing out that this does not work. I'll try to find a single 'feel' in the future, but I would expect to see more comedy in the future. I just need to find a comfortable voice somewhere between dark humor and farce. I think what really killed any kind of dark humor feel was the "fashion victim" aspect of Isoceles, but I was streching a ibt for the picture, to make evry aspect of it work, which obviously I didn't do.
The characters were a bit flat. In fact I started out with a different idea for Sterling, but he took on his own life on the page. In retrospect, with the feel I
got for him by the end, I should have edited the whole thing to make him deeper and more in line with the final vision I arrived at. Unfortunately, I'm not good at going back and rewritting, so I didn't. Live and learn...
And I can't say thank you enough for the "snappy dialogue" comment, I was shooting for that, but didn't think it would come across. And knowing my dialogue didn't get bogged down too much gives me a nice feeling of accomplishment to go along with all the work I know I still have to do.
All in all, thank you all very much for all of the criticism, and for even taking the time to read my little story. I would also like to thank my opponent. Nice job, Thullgrim, you had me a little worried, and for good reason. I hope to see you around future Ceramic DM competitions. And now, On to round 2!
orchid blossom
Explorer
Piratecat said:That is, if you can sleep over the Hoover sound of Alsih2o sucking up.
And the smack-talk returns! Bring on the smack-talk, it'll amuse me while I wait for the judgements.
Congrats to MacBeth.
