alsih2o
First Post
Maddman75 Vs. Sigurd
Piratecat-
Maddman75 vs Sigurd (who never posted a story)
Okay, a little editorializing here. I hate it when people drop out
partway through a competition. Sometimes there are extenuating circumstances
(such as in CarpeDavid’s case), and we understand those; we also appreciate
it when a competitor apologizes for having to withdraw. Saying “Okay, ready
to roll!” and then not showing up again isn’t fair or kind to your
competitors.
Moral of story: please don’t sign up to compete unless you’re willing to
make time to write, and if you sign up do everything you can
to write a story -- even if it’s one you aren’t happy with. That’s the
nature of the beast.
That being said, let’s discuss Maddman’s story.
-- o --
This is a funny piece. I like how it’s told, as if over a beer in a dark
bar. The style is informal, the tone humorous. There’s a few typos (“but
but”), but not a lot of them. The biggest strength of this story is that
Maddman does a good job of describing and expanding on the absurd. That’s a
style I really like. Unfortunately, this also ties into the piece’s
weakness.
I think the story weaves a lot of photo-inspired disparate threads that then
never entirely connect. The result is surreal. I think it may have been best
as a bad day that gets slowly more and more surreal, but the inclusion of
the robot girlfriend (!) right away strains credibility a little too soon
for my liking. With the bulldog, we had a funny and believable scene; the
robot girlfriend made me pull back and say “huh?”
Likewise with the re-enactors and the elephants. The description and
interaction with these were funny, playing to one of Maddman’s strengths as
a writer. They didn’t connect very well to the rest of the story, though,
and that makes the whole thing less likely to hang together. Interestingly,
I think the explicit moral of the story weakens it. I kind of liked the
ending with Brutus rolling in the elephant poop; bringing it back around to
the dog is a step in the right direction.
All in all a fun story. I’m looking forward to seeing Maddman’s entry in
round 2.
Alsih20-
What strikes me right up front here is the strong picture use. Everything is tied together, each picture becomes a major point in the story. But it seems to be ALL about the pictures.
I think there is a good basis here but I think it could be stronger by wrapping the story together as tightly as the pics are used. If you have a robo-girl I want to see something else in the setting that gives me a tech-frame or time-frame.
I am encouraged to see your next round story based on this one.
Maddman advances.
Piratecat-
Maddman75 vs Sigurd (who never posted a story)
Okay, a little editorializing here. I hate it when people drop out
partway through a competition. Sometimes there are extenuating circumstances
(such as in CarpeDavid’s case), and we understand those; we also appreciate
it when a competitor apologizes for having to withdraw. Saying “Okay, ready
to roll!” and then not showing up again isn’t fair or kind to your
competitors.
Moral of story: please don’t sign up to compete unless you’re willing to
make time to write, and if you sign up do everything you can
to write a story -- even if it’s one you aren’t happy with. That’s the
nature of the beast.
That being said, let’s discuss Maddman’s story.
-- o --
This is a funny piece. I like how it’s told, as if over a beer in a dark
bar. The style is informal, the tone humorous. There’s a few typos (“but
but”), but not a lot of them. The biggest strength of this story is that
Maddman does a good job of describing and expanding on the absurd. That’s a
style I really like. Unfortunately, this also ties into the piece’s
weakness.
I think the story weaves a lot of photo-inspired disparate threads that then
never entirely connect. The result is surreal. I think it may have been best
as a bad day that gets slowly more and more surreal, but the inclusion of
the robot girlfriend (!) right away strains credibility a little too soon
for my liking. With the bulldog, we had a funny and believable scene; the
robot girlfriend made me pull back and say “huh?”
Likewise with the re-enactors and the elephants. The description and
interaction with these were funny, playing to one of Maddman’s strengths as
a writer. They didn’t connect very well to the rest of the story, though,
and that makes the whole thing less likely to hang together. Interestingly,
I think the explicit moral of the story weakens it. I kind of liked the
ending with Brutus rolling in the elephant poop; bringing it back around to
the dog is a step in the right direction.
All in all a fun story. I’m looking forward to seeing Maddman’s entry in
round 2.
Alsih20-
What strikes me right up front here is the strong picture use. Everything is tied together, each picture becomes a major point in the story. But it seems to be ALL about the pictures.
I think there is a good basis here but I think it could be stronger by wrapping the story together as tightly as the pics are used. If you have a robo-girl I want to see something else in the setting that gives me a tech-frame or time-frame.
I am encouraged to see your next round story based on this one.
Maddman advances.
