Firelance Vs. Orchid Blossom
Firelance’s “Huntress” vs Orchid Blossom “Child’s Play”
Piratecat: Okay, dragging myself out of the nasty little depression that my friend’s
death dumped me into. . . again, my apologies to the competitors.
I liked the concept for Firelance’s story. People hunting down magical
creations makes for nice story fodder. We’ve got some great action and some
interesting – if extremely surreal - horror.
I definitely felt like too much was explicitly explained, though. The
paragraph about “Ordinary human beings were purely physical creatures” is
one that turns out to be pure exposition. We’re told that normal humans can’
t interact with magical creatures, that traveling is fun, that the Gods give
the specific types of power. . . but all of this would be much more gripping
if we were shown it instead. Bits of this turn out drier than they need to
be as a result.
I’ll also mention that the conversations didn’t sound natural to me, even
the ones that were supposed to sound a bit odd. My rule of thumb (and this
is going to sound stupid) is that I read the conversations out loud and
decide if they sound like something that a person would really say. If they
don’t, that goes down as a place to work on in the future.
Overall, the story comes across as a little too disjointed for my personal
taste. I think that making it third person instead of first person might
help, but the mixture of modern and ancient elements is something I found
jarring.
Orchid Blossom’s “Child’s Play” starts very strongly: good and realistic
conversation, gripping mystery presented. The flashback doesn’t work as
well, though.
I think this story would be stronger if there was less of a demarcation
between “kids at home in bed” and “thrust into weirdness.” Where I wanted
the moment teased out and – you won’t hear me say this too often – more of a
background explanation, we’re introduced to the odd little kids who we don’t
really have any reason to care for or worry about. Without the emotional
connection, it’s harder for us to care about and figure out what’s happening
to them. The superhero angle is interesting, but it doesn’t really ring
true; without any of the normal superhero tropes, the word seems a little
bit misapplied here.
The end seemed abrupt. At less than 1400 words, I think the tale would
benefit from some additional expansion and explanation.
Judgment:
[sblock]I both liked and disliked elements of both stories, but my judgment
goes to Orchid Blossom for more coherent picture integration and a stronger
narrative.[/sblock]
Maldur:
orchid blossom vs. FireLance
hard choice this time
Firelance, I like this story, it has a sense of wonder, for the main
character and for the reader. And it leaves the story unfinished, one of the
cruelest things to do to a reader (but in a good way). One thing: she has
several magics at her disposal, but she does not use them all, and she gets
another (a spear) to finish the job.
Orchid: funny story, it brought a smile to my face. It was a bit short, it
felt like more. And the ending made me wonder how them kids do their stuff,
without their mother worrying or interfering.
My vote: [sblock]Firelance, Orchids story had less impact for me.[/sblock]
Alsih2o:
Firelance- Great picture use. The Cyclops in the jar, the soldiers, even the diving board.
But I want a finished story. We have had lots of competitors write “Parts” of stories and some have even boldly tried to write in installments through the competition (I love this, takes guts) but this one really made me believe it was gonna finish.
Some of the paragraphs around the chicken fight get thick. I didn’t need to be told how she was special or different, I read this kind of stuff. I assume she is different. I would have preferred all that to come out in the story, rather than in a block.
Good stuff.
Orchid Blossom- OB really embraces fantasy. No worries here about whther you are keeping up or following along, no matter how fantastic the subject matter is it is taken in everyday stride.
This allows all kinds of fantastic picture use, picture use that wouldn’t seem extraordinary because it is treated as everyday moments. And even fantasy is everyday to someone, yes?
Good tale.
Judgement: [sblock] Firleance did well. A strong story with a good theme and strong pic use. OB just did it all a little better and with an amazing conservation of words. My vote goes to Orchid Blossom.[/sblock]
Decision: [sblock] Orchid Blossom takes it 2-1[/sblock]
There was a lot more commenting when it was all together.
