Ashamed of being a Gamer?

[Moral_Crisis]

I've been embarrassed to be gamer as of late due to some actions by gamers at large, but not so much about myself in public... as I work at a LGS.. sooo... O_O;;

Though being a "hardcore" gamer does put me at odds with all of my fiances friends, since we're the sort of nerds of the bunch. We often "mysteriously don't get invited" to things. Good times.

 

[Elf Witch]

Hi!

After reading the whole thread it's interesting to see how some professions really do look "ill" at certain interests.

I can give you some insight as to things in medicine. I'm a doctor. Multiple sub specialties, board certified, the whole nine yards.

It would be an understatement to say that mentioning you play RPG's or even video games for that matter is not only frowned upon, but depending on your specialty could end your career...

Some doctors, especially the older ones (which unfortunately hold the reigns of authority, department chairs, medical directors, etc), think if your spending your free time in ANYTHING but reading medical journals or otherwise improving your knowledge base you are not committed to medicine and are thus a bad professional.

When your training it is perhaps worse. Some training programs (especially hierarchical surgical related ones), such a revelation may put you on the receiving end of being cut out, or worse not being able to get a positive recommendation for future training or license applications, which can pretty much end you before you even start.

Heck, even the patient-doctor relationship can be jeopardized if in candid conversation you let slip you like slaying dragons in your spare time. Patients don't seem to be able to jive that I can play at being a pretend elf and diagnose your serious illness competently.

Its not hard to see why I would not only hide it, but also actively deny I would play RPG's.

Granted with time, as younger people get into medicine and the authoritarian approach lessens, to my delight I have found fellow docs who "know how to cast spells". But there is still a long way to go before you can be open about it.

I'm pretty sure none of this is surprising to many of you, but I'll share something I found surprising to me.

Through the years, like many of you, I've gone to conventions, hanged out at the LGS and other such venues where people that share our same interests hang out.

I was kind of bummed out to find that when I was with people talking and sharing about the hobby, generally having an engaging enjoyable conversation and the discussion wanders into real life things, and I mention I am a doctor, I could see the "wall" visibly shut down the conversation. Heck, I've even had people say "your joking, right?" Incredulous that a doctor could play RPG's.

Of course that is not everyone, I would say probably not even most of them. But I found it ironic that some of my medical colleagues would "shun" me for playing such a game and at the same time someone whom plays RPG's would find it awkward to talk to me about RPG's because of my profession.

I admit I find the irony pretty funny.

Primarchone

I guess times change and not always for the better. Back when I was working in the NICU which was in early 1980 three of the unit's neonatologist played DnD.

My DM when 3.0 came out was married to a med student and they took in residents doing their rotations and they knew she sometimes played and it didn't effect her career. Now maybe the difference was she was a woman and had a degree in Biochemistry and had several papers published on T Cell studies before she went to medical school.

One of our players was a dentist.


I think it horrible that people are afraid that a harmless hobby could cost them their jobs.

I think one of the reasons some people are uncomfortable talking with doctors is the whole mythos that surrounds them This whole bigger then life persona that they wrestle with life and death and are some how superior to the rest of us. And to be honest some doctors cultivate this. Which is why we used to joke that they thought MD stood for master of divinity.

 

[Elf Witch]

So the answer from my friend came, "I'm a 46 year old father of two. My wife is going to lose respect for me if she learns that I'm gaming. She just won't understand."

Well, there you have it.

I can't even begin to wrap my head around this one. He's married they have children together and there is this huge lack of trust. That is not a healthy marriage.

I can't imagine being married to a person who I had to hide who I was from because I would be afraid of losing their respect. I hate to say this but there is no respect there.

Marriages built on lies are never good and man when the lie comes out which it might there is always a huge price to pay.

 

[Water Bob]

I can't even begin to wrap my head around this one. He's married they have children together and there is this huge lack of trust. That is not a healthy marriage.

Their marriage seems very healthy to me. I understand what he's saying. For some reason, people who don't game look down on the time spent with the hobby. I don't really know why gaming has such a stigma, but it does with many people. This guy I mention is an avid football fan, poker player, and movie watcher. He spends a ton of time with each of those interests. His wife doesn't seem to have a problem with any of them.

It's almost as if, should it get out that he's a gamer, his wife would be embarrassed by people knowing that about him.

I completely understand where he's coming from.

And, as I said earlier, he's not the only one in my core group that won't tell their wives. One other also lies to his wife about gaming, again telling her that he's going to play poker when we get together to game.

If I were married, I'd like to be able to tell my wife (and probably no one else) that I'm a gamer, but I might not. It depends on the person and what I think she will accept.

 

[Olaf the Stout]

Yep. And, I think our professions also influence much of the company we keep. From the OP, with my core group of seven, we've got a Financial Advisor (broker), an Office Manger, a Hair Salon owner, an owner of a painting company, two grocery route salesmen, and a freelance computer tech.

The one most liberal with allowing anyone to know that he games? One of the route salesmen.

The four that actively deny it and even lie to their wives about gaming? The broker, Officer Manger, other route salesman, and the painting company owner.

The two that don't advertise but will own it if outed? The Hair Salon owner and the freelance computer tech.

I don't know if age has anything to do with it. I know I was more likely to talk about it in my 20's than I am today. I recently asked the painting company owner why he lies to his wife about gaming. I mean, gaming is a very inexpensive hobby. You get tons of fun for your entertainment dollar. And, you're certainly not out doing anything that can get you into trouble as can sometimes happen at a bar or when playing pool or darts or the like.

It's good, wholesome, extremely fun, entertainment.

So the answer from my friend came, "I'm a 46 year old father of two. My wife is going to lose respect for me if she learns that I'm gaming. She just won't understand."

Well, there you have it.

What I don't understand is how they manage to hide it from their wives. I don't think it would actually be possible for me to do that in a physical sense. I just have too much gaming stuff to be able to hide it.

Do they not own any books and never browse any D&D gaming sites at home? Have their wives never heard them talking about gaming with you or other gaming buddies?

Olaf the Stout

 

[Water Bob]

What I don't understand is how they manage to hide it from their wives. I don't think it would actually be possible for me to do that in a physical sense. I just have too much gaming stuff to be able to hide it.

He has no gaming books, and no, he's never on gaming sites at home. I'm the GM, and I keep the dice he owns, and I bring it to the games. We've played at his house twice, but that was because his wife and kids were out of town seeing relatives.

When we play, he tells her that we're playing poker--which we do a lot of. We definitely play more poker than we game. Sometimes, it's 3-5 times a week, when we're keen to play.

Do they not own any books and never browse any D&D gaming sites at home? Have their wives never heard them talking about gaming with you or other gaming buddies?

We do talk about the game on the phone, but he's usually not around his wife when we speak of such things. I'll send him a text and refer to "the game", but if she ever saw it, she'd probably assume "the game" meant poker.

One strange consequence with this guy (and the other who hides it from his wife). They know little about other RPGs. All they know is what I buy, play, and GM for them. In the distant past, when we were in our 20's (I've known most of these guys for going on 30 years or more), I'd take up a collection to buy gaming materials. Every once in a while, I'd get $20 bucks or so from everyone, and that would give me $100+ bucks to buy supplements and what not. I was allowed to keep the stuff because they figured, with all the time I put into the game as GM, I deserved it.

So, traditionally, I'm the one with all the books. None of my players, really, ever buy anything. Now that we're all in our 40's and have more disposable income, I usually just buy what we need without having to ask for help as I did back when I was in college working for just over minimum wage. Even for my current Conan game, I've got three Core Rulebooks that we pass around at the game. But, I keep them at my place, though.

In fact, this gamer we're talking about gave me as a gift for this Christmas a document tote. It's a plastic crate connected to a handle and wheels like you'd see on a piece of luggage. When our game comes up (we usually don't game at my place), I'll take what we need, now that I have it, and carry or wheel the crate to the game.

 

[crazy_monkey1956]

I have to say I'm with Elfwitch on this one. These are not healthy relationships.

My wife is a freelance layout artist and game designer so, again, I guess I have an unfair advantage, but, really, if there is no honesty in the relationship, there is no respect.

Sorry to derail with relationship advice.

 

[Dannyalcatraz]

What I don't understand is how they manage to hide it from their wives.

Obviously, they hide it in their porn- no wife would look there for game books!

Minis & dice get nested in foam-cushioned VCR tapes with "Hot Cheerleaders from Cleveland" jackets on them. Game books get sleeved in covers from "Playboy" or "Forum", depending on size.














In theory.

 

[Elf Witch]

Their marriage seems very healthy to me. I understand what he's saying. For some reason, people who don't game look down on the time spent with the hobby. I don't really know why gaming has such a stigma, but it does with many people. This guy I mention is an avid football fan, poker player, and movie watcher. He spends a ton of time with each of those interests. His wife doesn't seem to have a problem with any of them.

It's almost as if, should it get out that he's a gamer, his wife would be embarrassed by people knowing that about him.

I completely understand where he's coming from.

And, as I said earlier, he's not the only one in my core group that won't tell their wives. One other also lies to his wife about gaming, again telling her that he's going to play poker when we get together to game.

If I were married, I'd like to be able to tell my wife (and probably no one else) that I'm a gamer, but I might not. It depends on the person and what I think she will accept.

A marriage built on lies is not healthy. It is a sham. This guy goes out and plays DnD and to do he lies to his wife. He enjoys a hobby and he can't tell his wife because he is afraid that she would lose respect.

Please tell me how any of that is healthy?

It is one thing not to tell your boss or co workers if you fear it may effect your job but to have to lie to the person you have chosen to build a life with is wrong on so many levels.

You realize if your wife can't accept that you game or any other aspect of who you are then they don't really love you. First of all if a spouse can't accept a hobby what does that say about her. And second since you are hiding a part of you she really does not know the true you now does she. So you can't honestly say she loves you.

 

[Lwaxy]

Their marriage seems very healthy to me.

But it is not.

I would never ever want to be with someone, not even talking of marrying, if they would lose respect for me over my interests. I would lose respect for THEM the moment that came up and just not see them again. How could anyone ever respect a spouse who would have issues over a harmless hobby? And why would anyone make themselves less important (which is basically what happens here) to be with someone obviously not a good match?

Part of the reason my first marriage ended was that he did not want to "tolerate" the amount of time I spend with fiends in the hobby anymore, or me going to conventions on weekends. So I went for divorce. Sorry, I'm rather alone than being with someone not matching my interests.