Axioms of D&D

[The Allamistako]

Tickeling the dwarf when he's drunk is considered a *BAD* Idea.

No, the dwarf does not tend to be sober.

When should a party travel by night?
-When the moon is as full as the dwarf...

Any more?

-Alla

 

[rounser]

The Life Expectancy to Stupid Name Ratio
A PC with a stupid name's life expectancy is inversely proportional to how stupid the DM thinks the character's name is.

The Dungeoneer's Mount Safety Precaution
Tying up and gagging your horse and putting it in a tree is the best way to keep it out of harm's way whilst you go dungeoneering.

The Tucker's Kobolds Truism
Despite masses of prior art, DMs still think they are being clever and original in boosting kobolds up to deadly effectiveness with cheesey combinations of tactics, magic, poison and lethal traps.

 

[pontus]

Players will question the motives of anyone who refuses to help them, and anyone who helps them without first being bullied to do so.

 

[Darklone]

Rule for paladins

Take along a lot of goodies for your griffin mount if the other party members have horses.

 

[FullTinCan]

Gnomes fall faster than elves.

Amazingly this was "proven" in an AD&D game. The PCs were discussing things, and one of them stated that gnomes fall faster than elves. This got into a heated arguement and was dropped. Later on in that session, the elf flew in to rescue the gnome, and while making their escape in the air, they were hit by a dispel magic. The gnome, did I mention he was a wild mage, attempted to cast Feather Fall, but surged. The result of the surge was that the spell effect was reversed. So he fell twice as fast as... the elf. It makes our group laugh and laugh.

 

[Tsyr]

~Tsyr's law of The Wish

Law: Only fools, or those who think they have nothing to lose will use a Wish. However;

Special Clause 1: When a wish spell is involved, you always have something more to lose.

Special Clause 2: Those who think otherwise are fools.

Special Clause 3: Most players are fools.

Special Rule 1: The alignment of the DM is directly linked to how many fools are in the game. (See Special Clause 3).

Special Rule 2: The level of saftey in a wish is related to the alignment of the DM. (See Special Rule 1)

Conclusion: The smartest player becomes a fool when a wish is involved.

Special Conclusion: The smartest player is the player too stupid to be tempted by the unlimted power of a wish.

 

[Dieter]

Presenting....

After four years worth of gaming in college with perhaps the motliest of fools, here is our definitive list.

Note: Names, wording, and places have been changed to protect the guilty...er, I mean innocent.

1- Don't flash money
2- Don't believe or trust the waiters
3- Don't do KYO or Kumatai (sp)
4- Look before you drink
5- Look before you sit down
6- Don't hum along with Demons
7- Don't buy insurance from the duck
8- Don't Kill Halflings on Whiteford
9- Don't wrestle with 1,500 lbs creatures or Liches
10- Be very very very very very very very very very very careful what you ask for
11- The Ethereal plane is bad
12- Don't interupt a typing duck
13- Don't have Phallic conversations
14- Don't say "I'M INVINCIBLE!!!"
15- The Higher source is not benevolent
16- Don't fire guns while riding Kanks
17- Don't open a parachute in mid flight
18- Don't host a bachelor party for the most hated man on your world
19- Paranoia is a virtue
20- Insist on proof of ownership before purchase
21- There is no escape, the GM wil find you and kill your pets, that's what he does, that's all he does
22- NPC's will always spill their guts to PC's
23- Check behind the pillars
24- Don't taunt the GM's wife
25- Remember your Ammo Capacity
26- Check your partner before debauching
27- Magic is inheritly dangerous
28- Don't leave survivors
29- Don't use magic openly on Athas
30- The weakest PC will always be pinned under the Heaviest object
31- Swords parry daggers, seldom the reverse
32- Criticals aren't always the best rolls
33- Check the want ads before planning an attack
34- Poodles have suicide charges
35- Don't ask a horse for directions
36- Don't reason with a poodle
37- Golems have the inteligence of a braindead frat boy
38- Carefully place the sentries
40- Don't cross the streams, Ray.
41- Dress the pion like the boss
42- Don't hire an assassin when the assassin's guild has a contract out on you
39- Dave can not count or spell
43- Honesty works every once and awhile
44- Try Puritanism, just might help
45- Loose d-cks sink missions
46- Waking up naked at the bottom of a glass bottom pool overlooking the dining room is not the best way to wake up
47- Don't have conversations with Mind Flayers
48- When do the living guard the crypts of the dead?
49- Spam is not a door stop
50- containment fields are there for a reason
51- Look for the obvious traps
52- Don't drink 2 different potions at once
53- Pions are the dangerous ones
54- Amok Amok Amok Amok Amok
55- 99's can be a good role
56- Don't tell the GM your final day
57- When choosing an area to be hit in, don't take the vital one
58- Check for Piranha before bathing
59- Don't p-ss of Rockshilman
60- Toilet humor can go too far (really)
61- Make sure you have back up
62- Beat the woman, get a luck point
63- Don't mess with religion on Whiteford
64- I'm warm and fuzzy, come to me!
65- There is a n-pple in my eye slit
66- Only you can prevent Rorhorrim fires
67- I'm talking in this voice, how do you think its going
68- I didn't marry him, you stick it up his butt
69- (use your imagination) during an autopsy is in bad form

 

[Bozo]

Hired help

If his name is Daryl you don't want him watching your back and always remember to ask about his other brother Daryl....

 

[BlackMoria]

DM's Axiom No. 7 - of the three obvious options confronting the party, expect them to take the obscure (and suicidal) fourth option you didn't think anyone in their right mind would consider.

 

[Tsyr]

DM Axiom #8: If you spend hours setting up a believable, compelling, interesting, and immersive adventure, the PCs will miss the hook entirely and whine the entire night about how this "adventure" sucks as they roam about the countryside looking for orcs to kill.