Dealing with depression, anxiety, and ennui

[RJR-23]

As a long-time sufferer from depression and long-time lurker on enworld, I thought the time was right to bring the two together.

As I enter the new year, I find myself struck with a case of the blahs. Not full-blown depression, by any means, but more like a kind of ennui, a feeling of aimlessness, tinged with anxiety about the future.

I love a wonderful wife and daughter, good parents, stable job, religious faith, etc. Life is good...objectively, I see that.

But I feel as if something's missing. Right now, the problem (I think, at least) has to do witih artistic aspirations. I'm a writer. Not an author, mind you. Just a writer. I'm currently working on a writing project, a "young adult" novel, yet find it hard to make time to write, and find it equally hard to maintain the passion for the project.

Part of me wants to write a horror novel, a novel about depression itself, couched in a Silent-Hill type story. I'm planning to run a D20 Modern/Dark*Matter game along these lines, and RPGs have often fed my writing in the past.

I know I'm rambling a bit, for which I apologize. I guess I'm just unsatisfied with my current career (I'm a high school English teacher) and wanting to either be satisfied or get published and find satisfaction there.

I feel lonely, yet don't want friends. I think of the words of a song I've been hearing on the radio: "I am extraordinary, if you ever get to know me." I feel that no one wants to get to know me. My wife tells me that I need to reach out to others first...but I don't want to.

I don't know *what* I want sometimes.

Anyway, sorry for all the babbling. But I've been lurking in this forum for eight months now, and it seemed safe.


RJR-23

 

[Crothian]

Not an uncommon feeling really. These things happen to most people and one just has to learn how you yourself should best deal with them.

 

[Darkness]

I feel that no one wants to get to know me. My wife tells me that I need to reach out to others first...but I don't want to.

People do want to get to know you. They just don't know where to start.

 

[Berandor]

I know the problem. It's not that you don't want to make the first step, it's more that you think even when doing the first step people will likely not take the second. Why bother?

I have similar experiences, and I really don't have a *lot* of acquaintances. When I'm invited to a party, part of me doesn't want to go. But the other part foprces me to go, and I usually end up having a great time. (just as an example)
Maybe there's a writer's workshop in your area that you could attend? Or you might want to try and chat up some of your colleagues if they seem nice. Or parents from your kids' school, or members of your parish - try like-minded individuals (maybe hang out in the game shop).

 

[AuroraGyps]

Welcome to the club

As a long-time sufferer from depression and long-time lurker on enworld, I thought the time was right to bring the two together.

I feel lonely, yet don't want friends. I think of the words of a song I've been hearing on the radio: "I am extraordinary, if you ever get to know me." I feel that no one wants to get to know me. My wife tells me that I need to reach out to others first...but I don't want to.

I don't know *what* I want sometimes.

Anyway, sorry for all the babbling. But I've been lurking in this forum for eight months now, and it seemed safe. RJR-23

You may suffer from a Social Disorder in addition to the depression. I myself have had the problem for about 20 years (plus depression), althought I only finally got a name for it a few years ago. There's a cartoon Zoloft commercial that talks about it. It makes wanting to be around people sometimes a difficult thing, feeling awkward around people & worrying about what you do or say and what they think of you.
As a person that's been there and going through that, I suggest that you go see a Psychiatrist &/or therapist (if you don't already) to get some help. Emotional problems are really hard for alot of people to comprehend (although, there are some that do, or at least really try, like your wife & my mom). Professionals (the right professional... be picky, it's your brain they're tinkering with) can help you find ways to cope with your problems that work for you (takes some trial and error, but it's worth it when you find something that works well) and if need be prescribe meds (if that's a way to go).
Anyways, I wish you luck. You are not the only one out there going through stuff like this (I myself am going through a REALLY bad time right now, but I'm pluggin' along). Also, you picked a great place to talk about your problems. ENWorld has some of the nicest people around and I've rambled on about my problems here a few times (try finding my Leaving Buffalo thread that I started a couple of weeks ago and you'll see what I mean). The RPG community, and ENWorld in particular, is a great community to belong to. Welcome and good luck.

 

[haiiro]

I feel lonely, yet don't want friends. I think of the words of a song I've been hearing on the radio: "I am extraordinary, if you ever get to know me." I feel that no one wants to get to know me. My wife tells me that I need to reach out to others first...but I don't want to.

I have no business asking this, but I'm pretty blunt -- and you brought it up. Are you close to your wife?

That's the part that jumps out at me -- is there a connection there that isn't there, or should I be taking your post at face value?

If the latter, then I guess the question becomes, are you afraid to reach out to people becausre you don't want to deal with the potential rejection? If so, I guess I can only say there's not a whole lot of choice -- making connections involves a willingness to risk getting hurt.

So yeah, I'm a real ray of sunshine here. My apologies if I've offended you -- and without a hint of irony, welcome to EN World. This is a good place, and you're not the only one who has voiced serious personal things here. IMO, it is indeed a pretty safe place.

 

[The Other Librarian]

There are only two paths in life: Existential Angst or Denial.

More seriously though, there is a preoccupation in our culture with instant gratification and instant happiness. Unfortunately life is just not like that. A wiser man than me has it that all life is suffering. Sometimes you just have to slog a while to get to the good bits (assuming this is just a phase and not clinical depression or other medical issue).

My advice fwiw: focus on what makes you happy. Maybe your writing, maybe reconnecting with your wife. Find a good gaming group. Taking a break from TV helps to clear the mind and refocus on what you want out of life. And be afraid of a false consistency ( as Emerson counseled). If you find you don't have the passion for writing you thought you had, no big. Go back to enjoying literature as just a reader., and throw your ideas into gaming.

Here's one that might be a biggie. Don't know how old your daughter is, but spend time with her, help her find her passions and encourage her. I think the rewards of that alone may help pull you out of the funk!

All the best

 

[Berandor]

You may suffer from a Social Disorder in addition to the depression. I myself have had the problem for about 20 years (plus depression), althought I only finally got a name for it a few years ago. There's a cartoon Zoloft commercial that talks about it. It makes wanting to be around people sometimes a difficult thing, feeling awkward around people & worrying about what you do or say and what they think of you.

I don't think that's a social disorder; I'd say that's quite normal for people in general.

Some people overcome their anxiety more easily than others, but convincing oneself that the awkwardness is not normal and indeed, most people open themselves to being hurt without worry and also are in turn never hurt by opening up only adds to the problem, since the awkwardness is now "clinical", and not simply natural.

But of course, you don't sell any pills with such an approach.

 

[NeutralGood]

I don't think that's a social disorder; I'd say that's quite normal for people in general.

Some people overcome their anxiety more easily than others, but convincing oneself that the awkwardness is not normal and indeed, most people open themselves to being hurt without worry and also are in turn never hurt by opening up only adds to the problem, since the awkwardness is now "clinical", and not simply natural.

But of course, you don't sell any pills with such an approach.

I disagree, having anxiety when you meet new people is not a normal reaction. Humans are a social creatures, have you ever seen "Castaway"? You end up going insane and talking to a volleyball.

If you don't want to make friends just try to get closer with your wife and daughter. As for making time for writing, do it. Stop making excuses, tell your wife and daughter on x day during x time you'll be busy so please don't disturb me. Combating depression is easier than most people think. I've been Manic/Depressive for as long as I can remember. I don't take drugs, I just work through it in my own ways. My friends are my biggest support. DnD is also a great way for me to get away for a while and forget my problems. Its all how you let yourself think and act.

Here's a short list of things that have helped me fight depression.
1.) exercise, takes your mind off other things and in the processes gets you into shape. Not only that but at the same time your self-esteem will increase with wieght loss.
2.) Stop drinking caffine. It seems odd, but it increases your heart rate since its a vascular constrictor. Which can help bring on anxiety attacks. It also keeps you up late and if your like myself you have a hard enough time falling asleep being an insomniac.
3.) Hobbies, the more time you spend being busy the less time you have to sit around and think. Your interested in writing, so you need to sit down and write. It'll be a great stress reliever. Take a class after work, pay the 180 bucks and 40 dollars for a book to take a class at the local community college. You could also take up martial arts, its exercise, mental relaxation, and disipline. All of which are great for a chaotic mind that never seems to wanna stop thinking.

Hope I helped.

 

[Cintra]

I agree that the sort of anxiety you describe isn't normal. (And I entirely disagree with Berandor's comments about pill-selling; some people gain a great deal of benefit from such things. I deal with my own issues without medication, so far, but two of my family members use anti-depressants and I've seen the difference it makes, just in giving them a steady base-line and preventing the incredible lows they'd otherwise experience.)

I was dealing with some pretty intense feelings of loneliness earlier this year - I managed to convince myself that my relatively-few friends was major evidence that I was worthless as a person. My husband was very supportive in getting me through it, but ultimately, I just had to weather it. I really don't know how I managed to get past it, just that things seem better now. Honestly, I think it had a lot to do with putting together our new gaming group a few months back - new random strangers who ended up thinking I was an okay person did more for me than my husband telling me I'm okay, since that's sort of his job...

So reaching out to new people is a good thing to do, even if it's hard. The folks here are pretty good support, and I think posting here was a good first step. Since you enjoy writing, if you haven't already, maybe you could post some of your ideas for your horror/D20 Modern/Dark*Matter campaign here in an appropriate forum, and get some dialogue going about that - shared idea generation with a consistent group of online friends. You might also consider mentioning where you're from (or adding it to your profile, I didn't see that info under your name) if you're willing to get to know some of the people here and any happen to live in your area. That might be easier than looking for a writer's group etc.; somehow, for me, getting together with other gamers is an infinitely safer way to start a new friendship than joining a local hobby group.