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EN World Short Story Smackdown - FINAL: Berandor vs Piratecat - The Judgment Is In!
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<blockquote data-quote="Piratecat" data-source="post: 4277727" data-attributes="member: 2"><p>Nope, nothing in common!</p><p></p><p>Fun story, Rodrigo. There are portions of this story that are as good as anything I've ever seen you write. You kicked my butt last time we went head to head in one of these, so it's fun to have another chance. Detailed comments about your story under the cut.</p><p></p><p>[sblock=No judges, please.]There are some things you do really really well, and in the first half of the story you're at the top of your game. That one line... "...felt that side of the car start to rise, gravity losing out to momentum. Gravity won in a split decision, momentum screaming that it was robbed." That, my friend, is just beautiful. Same with "Her pleasant contralto was a nice complement to the bears’ baritone." And you get mondo bonus points for using "complement" correctly.</p><p></p><p>In fact, I think the whole first half of the story is extremely strong. You're good with action, clear and concise and powerful, and your comparison of technological vs. human advantages really worked well. You introduced the problem and showed us it was a bad, bad thing. I was a little confused about the Diet Coke picture, but it made the point about absurdity in forced worship.</p><p></p><p>Note one technical error. If a character is speaking over two paragraphs, don't end the first paragraph with a close quotes. So </p><p></p><p>[bq]“I suppose that’s fair. My name is Dr. Kelly. I’m a biologist at the University of Calgary, specializing in parasites.”</p><p></p><p>“Come with me,” she said, tossing some real currency on the table to cover the meal.[/bq]</p><p></p><p>would be...</p><p></p><p>[bq]“I suppose that’s fair. My name is Dr. Kelly. I’m a biologist at the University of Calgary, specializing in parasites.</p><p></p><p>“Come with me,” she said, tossing some real currency on the table to cover the meal.[/bq]</p><p></p><p>The second half of the story didn't seem as strong as the lead-in. The first part was largely dialog and the second part had none, and that felt jarring; I like how you write dialog a lot, so I missed it. Also, you started telling the action (such as the breaking and entering) instead of showing it. </p><p></p><p>Picture-wise, that last photo was rough. Of course, your earlier use of the 404 sign picture was just brilliant, so it probably balances out. </p><p></p><p>I'm left with some questions. The doctor knew he was mercenary scum; why show him this top secret project? It seems very out of character for someone in her position, especially with that much security. Other than to be conveniently in our narrator's way, why was a parasite doctor studying bears in the middle of the night while wearing a dress, even if they were infected?</p><p></p><p>Overall I think this is good but your "Hell Freezes Over" story in round 2 is stronger. I'll be interested to see how the judging goes, since our stories are in different genres.</p><p></p><p>Good job. I love Ceramic DM, and you're one of the reasons why.</p><p>[/sblock]</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Piratecat, post: 4277727, member: 2"] Nope, nothing in common! Fun story, Rodrigo. There are portions of this story that are as good as anything I've ever seen you write. You kicked my butt last time we went head to head in one of these, so it's fun to have another chance. Detailed comments about your story under the cut. [sblock=No judges, please.]There are some things you do really really well, and in the first half of the story you're at the top of your game. That one line... "...felt that side of the car start to rise, gravity losing out to momentum. Gravity won in a split decision, momentum screaming that it was robbed." That, my friend, is just beautiful. Same with "Her pleasant contralto was a nice complement to the bears’ baritone." And you get mondo bonus points for using "complement" correctly. In fact, I think the whole first half of the story is extremely strong. You're good with action, clear and concise and powerful, and your comparison of technological vs. human advantages really worked well. You introduced the problem and showed us it was a bad, bad thing. I was a little confused about the Diet Coke picture, but it made the point about absurdity in forced worship. Note one technical error. If a character is speaking over two paragraphs, don't end the first paragraph with a close quotes. So [bq]“I suppose that’s fair. My name is Dr. Kelly. I’m a biologist at the University of Calgary, specializing in parasites.” “Come with me,” she said, tossing some real currency on the table to cover the meal.[/bq] would be... [bq]“I suppose that’s fair. My name is Dr. Kelly. I’m a biologist at the University of Calgary, specializing in parasites. “Come with me,” she said, tossing some real currency on the table to cover the meal.[/bq] The second half of the story didn't seem as strong as the lead-in. The first part was largely dialog and the second part had none, and that felt jarring; I like how you write dialog a lot, so I missed it. Also, you started telling the action (such as the breaking and entering) instead of showing it. Picture-wise, that last photo was rough. Of course, your earlier use of the 404 sign picture was just brilliant, so it probably balances out. I'm left with some questions. The doctor knew he was mercenary scum; why show him this top secret project? It seems very out of character for someone in her position, especially with that much security. Other than to be conveniently in our narrator's way, why was a parasite doctor studying bears in the middle of the night while wearing a dress, even if they were infected? Overall I think this is good but your "Hell Freezes Over" story in round 2 is stronger. I'll be interested to see how the judging goes, since our stories are in different genres. Good job. I love Ceramic DM, and you're one of the reasons why. [/sblock] [/QUOTE]
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