Unfortunately I did try that route. I've changed the resolution, zoom, DPI, video card drivers, scaling, cleartype, you name it. I also:
Tried Excel Safe Mode
Windows Safe Mode
Making a new User Profile
Hacking the registry for Small Fonts in Excel (Made it so I couldn't see *any* text at any zoom)
Reinstalling Office 2010, 2013, 2016. Repairing (quick and full) installations.
Resetting the Font Cache in Excel & Windows
Downloading all possible fonts for both.
Tweaking the DDE settings in Excel
Tweaking the Hardware Acceleration in Excel.
Strangely enough, I can run a virtual box of my build on the computer and get the sheet to work, just not on the actual OS. At this point, I'm almost resigned that it won't work on this one and I would need a fresh install to do it. I can use this awesome sheet in some way, which is all I needed. I probably won't investigate this anymore, but if I happen to find out, I'll be sure to update.
Thank you all for your time and help!