Funniest Thing you have heard at the gaming table

[Azlan]

I'm going to drink my potion and... !

In one of my 1st Edition D&D campaigns, a player character -- a half-orc barbarian -- possessed a potion that turned the imbiber ethereal. Both the character and the player himself were muscle-bound meatheads. The player himself stood 6'6" and weighed over 200 lbs. His character was even larger. The other players and myself were used to this guy putting his colassal foot in his mouth; sometimes, much to our amusement. This time, what he said became a classic among us.

The player, as his half-orc barbarian character unstoppered his potion, said: "I'm going to drink my potion and turn urethral."

 

[Kesh]

Not terribly funny, but I enjoyed it:

The characters had been asked to investigate several disappearances near an abandoned tower. After being attacked by giant rats, they cautiously made their way into the entrance. The rogue decides to take his time and check for traps, and the player is surprised there aren't any (there weren't).

They proceed into the hallway, where the rogue's player decides not to check for traps. So, of course, no one is prepared when the floor gives way beneath them.

After climbing out of the hole, they proceed down the hall to a door. Opening it, they see a small library with several skeletons in it. The skellies attack, and the players respond. Unfortunately, they're all equipped with bladed weapons, meaning they keep missing!

So, one of the players gets a bright idea. He flips up one of the tables in the room and uses it to pin a skeleton to the wall. He then declares he's going to try and knock the monster to the floor (he succeeds).

Now that he has the skeleton on the floor, trapped beneath an overturned table, what does he do?

Player: "I start jumping up and down on the table as hard as I can!"

 

[Rel]

I just remembered a funny story from back in our Rolemaster days. Hopefully it will translate well here:

We were delving into these mines based on the Mines of Moria adventure for Middle Earth Role Playing (MERP). One of the characters I was running was Sral, a totally munchkin gladiator warrior who was short on personality but long on killing things. The GM hated that character (I don't blame him).

Since Sral had more hit points than anybody else, he was usually on point. Since I spent all of his skill points on combat skills, he wasn't too big on things like detecting traps. So, he fell in a pit.

This pit was some 60+ feet deep and there were spikes at the bottom of it. He took 9 C critical hits (for those of you familiar with Rolemaster, you know that is bad. For the rest of you, understand that each of those 9 crits had approximately a 15% chance of killing him outright and regardless he was taking MASSIVE physical damage.).

The GM was thrilled that his chance to kill the hated Sral was finally at hand. Both of us watched as time after time the critical hit dice rolled and time after time Sral's life was spared. In fact considering the level of damage he could have sustained, he came through it not too bad off. He was VERY unconscious but living. My monk climbed down and stopped the bleeding and then he was hauled up top and tons of healing spells were applied. Soon Sral was off of death's doorstep and feeling like he could continue, albeit a bit worse for wear.

So we go about 100 feet down the corridor and enter a chamber where we find a bunch of treasure and decide to rest. A few hours later we were attacked by some Wraiths. In RM, Wraiths cause fear. Everybody made their saves, except (of course) Sral who fled from the chamber in utter terror. He fled back the way we came. Toward the pit.

Considering the mental state that Sral was in from the fear effect, the GM had me roll a Memory check to recall the danger represented by the pit. I did mention that Sral had put all his good stats in his fighting abilities, right?

Sral plummets down the pit for the second time in less than 6 hours. This time he took only 6 C Crits. But yet again, the dice were kind and Sral's miserable munchkin life was spared.

I do think I retired that character after that though.

 

[Avatar28]

I've only split one side on this thread. So bump.

Which one caused that?

 

[jmucchiello]

Which one caused that?

Well, "Do we really have to hide in the oven?" and "Holy cow! NONE of us have opposable thumbs!" were pretty good. This one:
DM: "OKay, you round the corner, and entering the alleyway, you see two men standing on eachother's shoulders."

*silence at the table*

Player: "F#$% it, we're fighting Cirque de Soleil! Run for your life!"

Was great because I can imagine Cirque acrobats managing to stand one eachother's shoulders

But my split one side award goes to die-kludge's: Another player, mimicing the sorcerer, stands up and makes a motion as if he's hurling a staff and says "feel my wrath! .... clank clank clank". Just thinking about it makes tremble with inner laughter (or is it the fear of his wrath doing it?).
--
I feel I must contribute now. This was a 1st ed game only a few months ago. The DM allows actions which are interesting to exceed written spell limits: for example: in 1st ed Poly Self could not turn you into something larger than a hippotamus (it's in the spell description). Since the mage had been imitating great white dragons for a while now, the DM when asked replied, well somewhere on the planet there must be some really huge hippos.

Anyway, that's just the setup. We were tracking down an artifact and the mage/rogue makes a deal with some one that he'd bring back the interesting bits of some deep water creatures in exchange for a teleport halfway around the world. Later we defeated a leviathan. He casts item on the corpse. (yes, way outside the parameters of the spell, but hey he allowed it.) Later, we were fully outclasses by a bunch of drow. So the mage says, "run up ahead and don't look back." We take off, he turns in the entry-way of what seems like a large chamber that the drow are skampering through. He pulls a long sheet from his robes, tosses it to the ground and calmly states:"Leviathan". Suddenly the large room is not nearly as spacious as it was and squished leviathan bits shoot up the two hallways to the room. For days afterward, anytime a grenade would have been convenient, we turn to the mage and ask, "got any more leviathans?"

Joe

 

[Sanackranib]

funniest thing

here is one from an old homebrew game.

The party had to camp as best we could (in a swamp) and several of us including my bard came down with swamp feaver (it's fatal)
we found a "staff of healing" after an encounter with a wearwolf and the evil cliric used it on the best fighter then he naturally used it on himself. later that day we realized it was a cursed staff of healing and only works 50% of the time. the rest of the time it actually GIVES you a disease. we realized that when the cleric suddenly came down with the highly contageous version of wet leprosey . . . It was at this point that my comatose bard sat bolt upright and screemed at the top of his lungs " GET THAT FU@&%!* LEPROSEY STICK AWAY FROM ME" the party laughed for several minutes afterward. But hey, leprosey is a carrear ender for a bard