Game Bloopers and Quotes

[Cullyn]

From a recent session.

It's always a great comfort when the DM is rattling along, giving you descriptions and what not... stops in mid-sentence, and says:

"I don't know. I blinked. I got nothin'."

I'm never going to let the poor boy live that down.

 

[Branduil]

So there we are:

A Paladin, a Rogue, the grizzled Dwarven fighter(me), and my two adopted human children PCs(Don't ask), entering the chamber of the BBEG, Manunter Magee. He's on a platform 50 feet high across a 5 foot chasm. Two orbs project a forcefield in front of the platform.

So what does my Dwarven fighter do? He swigs a jump potion, screams his battle cry, and leaps up, across the chasm, right into the forcefield, which he hits like a ton of bricks. As he falls down the chasm his last words are "Fly you fools!"

Fortunately he survived, digging his pickaxe into the wall 5 feet above the bottom of the pit.

 

[Drayan]

This one is all me. In a game a few months back, we were looking for a cave where an evil ritual was going on. The only place we hadn't checked was an island several hundred yards out. We managed to find a boat with a sail, but no oars, and none of us knew anything about sailing. So the DM asks for an Intelligence check. I rolled fairly high, no one else came close, and this was the result:

DM: After looking about the rigging for a few minutes, you think you've found which rope will raise the sail.

Me: OK, I need to get it up and tie it off so it doesn't come back down..........aw crap.

and everyone bursts out laughing.

 

[Sejs]

The PCs are working with the crown, investigating a rash of assassinations amongst the nobility of the region they're currently in.

Pc: Hmm, I see. And in what manner was the Duke killed?
Npc: The Duke was killed in his own manor, sir.
Pc: I thought you said he was murdered.
Npc: Yes, sir. The Duke was murdered in his manor late last night.
Pc: How could someone else kill the Duke in his own manner?
Npc: We're not sure, sir. When we found the Duke he was already dead.
Pc: Was there any sign of a forced entry? Did anyone see or hear an intruder?
Npc: No sir, nothing of the like.
Pc: So the Duke was killed in his own manner late last night, and there's no signs of anyone having broken in?
Npc: Yes, sir.
Pc: Aha! Suicide!



(later, the same adventure)
Pc: The baron died of old age. In broad daylight. Of natural causes. From a crossbow bolt.

 

[Dark Mistress]

qoutes

These are some quotes from a cyberpunk game.(only ones I coudl find at the moment.)

Misson File One
[while picking out clothes for Jake]
Too Sam Spade...too Blade Runner...too gay...not gay enough. - Andy


Mission File Two
How stealthy are you? - Jake
I suppose I could dress down. - Andy

You're here for a rescue mission? - Will
We got distracted - Andy
What were you here originally for? - Will
To rent a video tape - Andy

I'd rather be alive than a rich dead person. - Mia
Don't knock it - Andy

(While entering a abandoned Industrial park)
She probably knows she's in trouble right now - Jake
She's twelve, she probably thinks it's cool - Mia
(Follows the others in) Kewl - Andy

Don't fire unless it's like, if you don't shoot you're dead. - Jake
"if you don't shoot you're dead" Got it - Andy

I'll tell you what, I'm feeling generous, name a body part - (gang leader said to Jake, followed by Jake getting his arm broke)

Aw c'mon, it was a cheap shot - Andy
You don't understand how fighting works, do you? - Mia


Mission File Three
She's not supposed to know we know. - Jake
I know, I think. - Andy

I think he was packing - Michael Dillon(NPC)
Maybe he was just happy to see you - Andy
Except it was under his arm - Michael Dillon(NPC)

(Brought in for questioning by the police)
You got any leads on it - Jake
It was done by professionals - Detective Reynolds(NPC)
I can guarantee it isn't us now - Jake

It's gonna be a real cop hot spot after they get there. Probably every cop in the city will be there. - Jake
Man, we could rob a bank - Wil

We'll know they're serious if they hit the police station - Jake

You'll owe me, BIG. - Nick(NPC Hacker)
I know, I know - Jake Speed
"Constant Debt" Speed - Andy(muttered)

This is important, could get us all killed, I might as well give him a call - Jake

It's not the mob, if it were the mob, I'd have gotten a call by now - Jake (Up standing citizen)

 

[Dark Mistress]

More Qoutes

Same game as above(forgot to mention the ST liked resident evil)

[Black ops operative, seeking a chip, holds a knife to Andy's face]
I can make sure even reconstructive surgery wont fix this. - Black ops operative
David has it. - andy(pretty boy)

It's like being dead, but a week from now. - Jake (after an ultimatum)

Is the team gone? - Nick(NPC)
Yeah they took the chip. - Jake
Think they'll be pissed if I put a virus in it? - Nick(NPC)
YOU WHAT? There going to kill me. - Jake
You didn't see what was on the disk they was working on, Things that will twist your DNA permanently if you get infected by it. - Nick(NPC)
Like in a bad way? - Jake

Hmm...new identity, new life. - Jake

You know how much money and power a company would need to make this? - Nick(NPC)
And you gave them a virus? - Jake
Yes. - Nick(NPC)

Aren't there branches set up to catch this? - Jake
Aren't there branches set up to catch hackers? - Nick(a Hacker)

Do you have any next of kin? - Jake
Well, my parents are dead and they stopped having children after me. - Andy

Next time I'm not calling Nick. - Jake

(After Jake informs Andy of what Nick did)
Jake, is this bad? - Andy
This like bellbottoms and courderoys bad. - Jake
OH SWEET JESUS, WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE! - Andy

You're too pretty to live in a basement for the rest of your life. - Jake

You have sex in front of people? It takes balls to do that. - Jake
It takes balls to have sex. - Andy
I don't have balls and have sex. - Zoe

It's o.k., I have almost everything under control, just as soon as I figure out where the hell we are.- Jake

I try to get out, but they keep pulling me back in...actually, that's a movie I made. - Andy

[after the door is busted open.]Only cops do that! - Kye

Where's a concussion grenade when you need one. - Kye
(Followed by one rolling in front of him)

(after beign captured and locked in a room)
Man, I almost wanna be interrogated just so i can know what's going on. - Jake

They probably know we don't know anything, they've been listening to our
conversation. - Jake
Or they know that we know that there listening to us and faking we don't know anything. - Zoe
Or they know we know they know we know we're faking it. - Andy
It's gonna be a long night. - Jake

(Locked in a cell, After the air vents seal)
The infection can't get to us in here. - Jake
And neither can the air. - Andy
So we'll starve to death. - Zoe
No, we'll suffocate long before that. - Andy

(Bursting out of a stairway door)
If we're on a roof, I'm gonna get really pissed. - Kye
Kye gets really pissed. - ST

(seeing the small city from the roof of the building)
Maybe this isn't a small town, maybe it's a small facility. - Jake

(Standing on a the roof of a skyscraper in a city crawling with mutated creatures)
Ok there's good news and bad news. Which do you want to hear first? - Kye
How about just the good news? - Zoe
Ok, all we need to do is make it to a car down there and drive out of here. - Kye
(followed by a short pause)
Ok whats the bad news? - Zoe
Where running out of time, they didn't send rescue teams. Means most likely they will firebomb the place to cover this up. - Kye
Won't firebombing a city attract attention. - Zoe

The sun's setting. - Zoe
Oh, that can't be good. - Jake

(Jake bent over Andy, with a huge chunk of his shoulder gone and blood everywhere)
Do you know first aid. - Jake
Eew. - Zoe

 

[Vrecknidj]

Here's the setting. A group of adventurers never before in the underdark. They'd been traveling for a while, not encountering anything, when up ahead lurked some kuo-toa. One guy in the group has incredible vision (thanks to a wish) that allows him to spot things at quite a distance. I draw a little map, with a fork in the tunnel, in a Y shape, and put some kuo-toa minis on the table. I then ask the player to describe what he sees.

The player picks up a mini, examines it for a few seconds and says (without realizing what he's saying) "There's a bunch of pot-bellied lizards hanging out down at the Y."

Everyone roared.

Dave

 

[Aluvial]

I was playing in a Lankmar campaign, one in which every copper counted.

We were a group of elves and half-elves, transported to Lankmar to starve.

One of our long time buddies game to the game with the intention to play and started to roll up his character.

We played on.

After two, if not three hours, the new player said he was ready and the DM took him aside to give him a little backstory.

We sat on and watched the whispers and nods from across the room.

The player sat down and waited.

The DM said, "You are moving down the street when you here a voice beckoning you from an alley."

We move over and the DM describes the orc in front of us.

The new player then says, "I'm here to kill you!"

One round later we looted the corpse and the new player quit DnD forever.

It may not be that funny, but my group laughs about it to this day.

 

[lord_banus]

After a particularly nasty encounter with a Chaos Beast

"Quick, pour a potion on him and stir it in with a stick"

 

[Kae'Yoss]

We had one drow telling us he had a +1 handbrake.


This happened in a d20 Modern game:
GM: "As you drive around the corner, someone gets in front of your car with his bicyle and you hit him."
Player 1: "Hm... are there any witnesses?"
GM: "Yes, it's in the city and there are people on the streets."
Player 1: "Damn!"
Player 2: "What did you have in mind?"
Player 1: "Hm.. Dunno. Probably I'd have put the guy in the trunk and sunk the car in the harbour."

Same guy (he's a doctor and he's testing stuff on animals. He's also a contract killer and spy)
Dr.: "Anything else to do today?"
Others: "No, not that I can think of"
Dr.: "OK, then I go and kill some animals"

Another evening off, and the DM asks what we are doing
Dr.: "Hm... I think I'll go to the beach. Relax a little, drink something. And then I go and smash children's sand castles and greet the parents politely."