Good Jokes about Elves, Dwarves, etc.

[ergeheilalt]

Hi there folks,

I'm running a character with a bit of sarcastic look on the world who enjoys ruffling feathers. As such I've been looking for a few good jokes about the bread and butter of fantasy. I'd like them to actually be funny.

Any good ones from you folks could suggest would be a big help.

Erge

 

[Gez]

Why did the elf cross the road?

Spoiler

The elf herself don't know.

How are called dwarven poets?

Spoiler

Oxymorons.

How many elves do you need to replace a candle?

Spoiler

A good thousand. One to sing the tale of the old, burned-out, candle. One to pretend that it didn't melt and evaporated away, but instead, faded to Arwaxor, the idyllic verdant afterlife of candles. One to remind everyone of the fabled Elven Candles of Old, who were sentient, artistical creatures whose eternal glow was not merely light, but also love, magic, wisdom, and soothing quietness. All the rest to randomly dance and prance meanwhile. Of course, the candle is never changed, but there's no hurry, anyway, since the elves believe they can wait still another millenia or two.

 

[dontpunkme]

so a dwarf, an elf, and a naked halfling go into a bar...

 

[LoneWolf23]

An Elf, a Human and a Dwarf, all old friends, are sitting at a tavern,
talking about the night they had with their wives...

The Human smirks as he says "Damn, but I had fun last night. ed
my wife good last night, about seven times... When we woke up this
morning, she told me she loved me and was going to make my favorite
meals all day.."

The Elf looks at him, then smirks and responds "Well, I only made love
four times to my wife last night, but each time was like a new extatic
experience.. When we awoke this morning, she said we'd spend the rest
of our days together and would surprise me again tonight.."

The Dwarf looks at them both and snorts, drinking his beer silently.
After an uncomfortable of being stared at by the other two, he finally
says "Fine, fine.. My wife and I had intercourse once last night."

The other two blink, until the Elf smirks and asks "Pray, tell us what
she said to you this morning.."

This time, the Dwarf smirks and says "She said.. Please, Honey, don't
stop now..."


Moral of this story: Dwarves may not be imaginative lovers, but when
you get a +2 to Constitution, you have a lot of staying power..

 

[shilsen]

A couple I've heard on these boards, so don't sue me:

Two dwarves walked into a bar. The third one ducked.

What is the noise of a dwarf god falling down the stairs? Clangeddin, Clangeddin, Clangeddin!

 

[BiggusGeekus]

A dwarf, an elf, and a half-orc were shipwrecked on a deserted island. There they find a forgotten temple. They make their way to the alterroom where they find a magical ring of wishes.

The dwarf grabs the ring and says "Great! Now I can get home! I wish I was back in the tavern at home surrounded by ale"!

*poof* he's gone!

The elf grabs the ring and says "Finally, I can go home! I wish I was in the tree city, trading tales with the finest poets of our age!"

*poof* he's gone!

The half-orc picks up the ring and says "I'm lonely now. I wish the other two guys were back here."

 

[Gez]

Most of these jokes are merely the same as old race/nationality/religion/sex/hair color jokes. Biggus' joke above, I heard it once before with three girls, a blonde, a redhead, and a brunette. (Guess who's the one who wishes for the two other to come back...)

Take your favorite politically incorrect joke, and disguise them with a fantasy suit, here you are.


There was a compilation, though, of D&D jokes I saw once. You had a list of dwarven shots against the elves, and elven shots against the dwarves, labelled like "Dwarven problem with elves" or "elven problem with dwarves". And this was followed by:
"To bash an elf with a dwarf: Orcish solution. There is also a reverse, yet identical, variant."

 

[Dirigible]

What's the most effective contraceptive amongst dwarves?

Spoiler

Darkvision

- - -

So, the elven lady was entertaining her human lover with the forbidden arts of sensual Fey (hey, all those subraces gotta come from somehwere...), when she heard her elven husband return from a hard day at the tree mines. Quickly, she ushered the human into a secret door in the wall of her bed chamber. Her husband came up the stairs, and said, "Hello, my forest blossom," before getting into bed and going into Trance. The lady was petrified, certain that her husband would notice the secret door and discover her lover crouched behind it. Miraculously, he didn't.

The next day, the same thing happened; she hid her lover as her husband returned, and he somehow failed to spot the secret door.

After a few days, she began to grow jealous. It was impossible that he found not see the secret door after passingby it so many times, so she began to think he didn't care she was having an affair. She decided to test whether he was still in love with her enough to be enraged at her infidelity.

The next day, as her husband lay down to go into Trance, she leaped up and rushed to the secret door, throwing it open and revealing the alarmed, guilty look man hiding there. "So! What do you think of that!" she cried.

Her husband nearly jumped out of his boots in shock, and said:

Spoiler

"I'm sorry, my love! He meant nothing to me, I swear"

 

[Steverooo]

Why are Dwarves broad, ruddy, and hairy?

Spoiler

Because is they were small, white, and smooth, they might be mistaken for aspirin.

 

[Delgar]

What do you call ten fairy's with wooden swords?





ELVES!!



Delgar