Great Game Quotes

[Dias Ex Machina]

Okay, you want funny:



(The group welcomes a new PC, a Bard named Kaid. Kaid has something Gilran wants…)
GILRAN: “I give you a 1000 gp to kill the Bard.”
JEZZ (NPC): Why did you guys start a fight in the tavern?!
MISHA: “Cause it was a form of initiation. Every member here joined through a bar fight.”
JEZZ: “But why the bard?!”
MISHA: “Cause HE’S the only new human in the room. HE is the new Player. We need an excuse to get him in the group!”
(Pause…)
GILRAN: “Either way, I give you 1000 gp to kill the Bard…”

KAID: “I’m good at talking. You’re good at hitting things.”
MISHA: “Better to hit things.”
KAID: “Luckily, I can talk faster than you can hit.”
MISHA: “Fine, I’m going to start hitting you. You talk me out of it.”

URIEL: “I only need 200 xp for 6th level. This fight will definitely do it!”
GM: “The Atatch criticals on you for 35 points of damage.”
URIEL: “Mother! I’m at –8!”
MISHA: “What’s that you say? Level 4?!”

MISHA: (Imitating Kaid, the Bard) “You killed my girlfriend! I am going to run away and sing songs at you!”

GM: “He is not standing down. Time for an intimidation roll.”
(Marakis rolls…then addresses the NPC)
MARAKIS: “I WILL GUT YOUR FISH!”
(pause. Marakis slams his head on the table)
GM: “I think that was a failure.”

 

[Voadam]

Jonas: "We're going to camp here in the middle of this ancient planar battlefield? Its one great big mass graveyard of unburied dead! This is such a bad idea." (He was right. He got energy drained during his shift at watch by a hobgoblin soldier specter.)

....

Jonas: "All right, since we can't teleport directly in we go with plan B. I summon forth the secret chest, you all climb in and crouch down, I close the lid, shrink it down to fit into my pocket again, then carry it with me as I use my cloak to ghost into the fortress again."

Party looks uncertainly at each other but agree and go ahead with the plan. Once everyone is inside Jonas' sentient item familiar ring says to him "Good job boss! Just remember, don't let it slip to them that if you lose the box they'll be lost in there forever or they'll never agree to do it again."

Jonas: "Oh yeah, I forgot about that part."

....

DM: "The Formian Hive Queen offers you humanoid food or hive nectar as a refreshment while you converse."
Malachi: "No thanks."
Mason: "No thank you."
Jonas: "Uh, no."
Gumar: "Sure, I'll try some of the nectar."
DM: "A hive worker brings up a tray bearing a bowl full of a sweet jelly like substance. It turns out to have an exotic flavor but is quite tasty. Once you eat it the buzzing of her telepathic voice in your head smooths out and becomes much more pleasant and clear to listen to."
Gumar: "Oh no! Now she's going to dominate me!"
DM smiles but says nothing.

 

[Snifferdoo]

"If we don't have time to search the dragon's lair, then I certainly don't have time to put on pants."

 

[Humanaut]

DM: You see down the 10' wide hall 6 orcs, the first 4 with spears set for charge, the other two with crossbows. They start shooting at you.

Friend has a 2e elven fighter 7 in chainmail wielding two swords...

Friend: Great! I run down the hall, jump over the crouching orcs and as i swan between the next two orcs i slash them with my swords, tumble onto my feet right by the crossbowmen.

DM: Huh? you want to what? In all your gear? Jump over them and between them?

Friend: I've got a 19 DEX I can do anything!

Result... one failed leap attempt and the DM rules he's impaled himself on the 1st two spears, they stick out of him and he looses 1d6 hp/ rnd until removed.

Reaction... Fighter sucks it up and proceeds to hack down the lowly 1HD orcs anyway, bleeding all the time... Oh did we laugh at his antics.

SAME friend commenting on character stats: "Wisdom is such a waste"

 

[Kid Charlemagne]

SAME friend commenting on character stats: "Wisdom is such a waste"

Well, when you have none yourself, it's hard to pretend to.

 

[Lanefan]

We've been keeping quotes from the games for many many years...I'll dig up a few samples:

Alzain the Cleric, 10 ExP from levelling: "I think all I need now to bump is to go and bang in someone's fence posts..."

Gutezapre the Dwarf: "I'm going last - I don't even *want* to go upstairs."
Madame Tse: "Good. And I'm going right behind you."

Nathan the Ranger-MU, to a dragon: "What form of halitosis do you inflict upon your enemies?"

Judah the Assassin, re dead party members: "Not only are they not pulling their weight, *we're* pulling their weight!"

Judah again, deep in a dungeon: "I suggest we continue to rest and relax right here."
Felemid the Bard: "And collect the experience points as they come crashing in."

Judah yet again, re treasury division: "I have a Dwarven disposition. If it doesn't help me bend your nose into your face, I don't want it."

Gutezapre again: "Elves have no substance. It takes 3 or 4 of 'em to make a decent meal."

DM re a blown wish: "If wishes were horses, Amberyle would fall off."

Diora the Cleric; party has just annihilated a pirate ship: "You know, he's not going to scream forever. If the fire doesn't get him, he'll drown."

Diora again: "The best 'detect traps' is the one that screams."

Nathan again, re navigation: "I've always used the sun - it rises in the east, sets in the north..."

Throy the Fighter: "What was the dead body doing?"
Dharmastin the Ranger: "Floating down the hallway."
Throy: "Why is that so suspicious?"

There's lots more where those came from, though in many cases you'd need to know the characters and-or players for best results.

Lanefan

 

[Savage Wombat]

You guys could single-handedly replace the striking writers, did you know that?

 

[Dias Ex Machina]

I am trying to keep mine limited to ones people can understand with only a basic understanding of D&D.

For example....


GM: "All those that failed their FORT saves are stunned this round. You cannot attack or do anything."
(Aiden flips through the book while the GM continues his attack, and passes Aiden by, who failed his save)
AIDEN: "Ahaa!! You don't lose your attack when you are stunned!"
GM: "What?"
AIDEN: "Says right here: The character looses her Dexterity bonus to AC and can take no actions. Foes gain a +2 bonus to hit stunned characters... ...Oh."
GM: "Swing and a miss."

GM: “Okay…nighttime. Who’s on watch?”
AIDEN: “We all wake up at 2nd watch and we are all wearing our armor.”

AIDEN: “You didn’t make a deal to slay a dragon, did you?”
MISHA: “…Maybe…”

KAID: “He’s a Paladin…they are notoriously dumb.”
URIEL: “I have an Int of 16!”
KAID: “Albeit times 2 than the average Paladin”
URIEL: “I can tie my own shoes!!!”

URIEL: “Why doesn’t the big guy just hit the door?”
AIDEN: “Yeah, why doesn’t the big guy just hit the door?”
MISHA: “That’s a good idea. Big guy, hit the door!”
KAID: “…You are the big guy.”
MISHA: “…Ohhhhh…

MISHA: “I remember Aiden. He used to clean me…I @#$%& hated it.”
KAID: “What kind of spell was that?”
MALACHI: “I think it was Bigby’s Febreeze Hand.”

 

[Rabelais]

CONAN: “So, I tell the dire bear to charge into the room with the Orcs. When he enters, I cast light on him…It should scare them.”
GM: “How?”
CONAN: “Intimidate.”
CHRIS: “Bears don’t have an intimidate skill.”
CONAN: “Are you telling me they won’t be scared by a giant glowing bear!?”
SCHUYLER: “Oh GOD, it’s the second coming of bear jesus!!”


I have no idea why I thought this was so funny... I just about sprayed diet coke all over my monitor when I read that.

 

[JohnClark]

One of our fellow players was sort of an arrogant guy playing a very very arrogant character. After a lengthy diatribe he gave about the planes, Pete leans over and says, "Caleb's on the demi-plane of being a pompous ass".

During a short lived evil game (probably one of the most fun games we ever ran), we encountered a guy we had been hired to kill who ran a brothel populated with underage slaves. Since all of us are really terrible people, we decided to make jokes about the plight of these poor girls, including:
"It's a plethora of pedophilia!"
and
"A veritable Smörgåsbord of underage sex!"