Head over heels for a girl.

[Buttercup]

Oh dear.

Ferret, you are obsessing over her, and you need to stop. I guarantee that your current state will make it less likely that you will ever win her affections, not more. Let me give you a hint. When a woman says "it's not you, it's me" what she really means is "it is completely and totally you, but I'm trying to be polite." It is possible that she is scared, as you say. But if she is, she isn't scared of her feelings for you. She is scared of your over-intense feelings for her. Please believe me when I say that we women are not attracted to desperation.

I recommend that you try to put her out of your mind and occupy yourself doing other things. Eventually you will run across a girl who is suitable for you.

 

[Warrior Poet]

I wonder if this thread requires chanting the sacred name of Teflon Billy three times in hopes that he will appear to provide the righteous love-life smackdown we all require from time to time . . . hmmm. Don't know. For now, let's forge ahead without the Great One's guidance and see what we can learn.

When I'm a room with her she seems to turn and look at me mroe often then usual, and whn she said no, she had a big pause, smiled nervously, then said what she said (not me it's you).

You're 16? So, presumably, she's around the same age? By now you've probably noticed that life at age 16 is somewhat awkward? So the reason she seems to be acting awkward when you and she communicate is because she feels awkward.

This does NOT mean that she really means yes when she says no. What she really means is, in fact, no.

When I said 'Lose her' I didn't mean that I had her, I meant that I'd lose a chance of being with her.

Exactly, and that's what fusangite said. See?

You are scared you won't get her.

My advice is to RELAX. Take some very deep breaths. Go read a book. Go get some exercise (exercise is a wonderful way to help get some distance on things so you can get some perspective on things). Go volunteer some time helping out someone who needs it. Go look up some new information you never knew about lunar geography. Go learn a new skill from a mentor. Most of all, RELAX.

You're 16! You're life is a huge, wide-open, great-big-possibility waiting to happen! It probably seems hard to believe right now, but you're going to meet many more females that you find interesting and exciting and enchanting and curious and passionate and excellent. How cool is that?! Lots more! Some of them will be attracted to you. Some won't. You'll be attracted to some of them. You won't be attracted to others. Welcome to life!

fusangite and some of the others here have made some good observations. It doesn't seem like this girl wants to go out with you, and THAT'S FINE. You will be o.k. You'll live, and go on to have a long, interesting, fascinating life as a living, breathing, human being and taxpayer, and some day look back on all this and laugh about it. Sounds cliché, but that doesn't mean it isn't true.

An observation about some things fusangite said:

But if God is really really on your side, there might be a 1% chance that one day in the future she could.

My advice is don't hold on to this, because it means holding on to hope that Someday! She! Will! Realize! You! Are! The! One!

But all that's gonna get you is heartache. Don't hold on to hope on this one. Move on to your life. Save yourself the ache. Say, "Eh, whatever," and go out into the world and meet other people and make your world a bigger place than the narrow focus on this girl to which it has recently atrophied. Anyone that has that much mind-blanking effect on you, has TOO MUCH POWER over you, power which only you can give away and only you can reclaim. You are you're own person, so recover that sense of self and move on.

You are scared you won't get her. And you're right to be scared.

I agree with the first sentence. fusangite is absolutely, right-on-accurate with that statement. However, I submit that while you may feel scared, you don't necessarily have to be. It's hard not to be scared when you're scared -- can't just say, "I'm not scared!" and the feeling stops.

However, you can try to focus on what I said before about turning your mind to other things. This girl isn't the be-all and end-all of you. Don't make her out to be the sun in your world. 1) She's not, and 2) it's actually really insensitive and presumptuous to do so. She's who she is. She is NOT who you imagine she is. So forget about her, move on, go find something to occupy your time, like role-playing games or sports or bio-mechanical engineering or juggling or impenetrable mysteries of the universe such as whatever happened to good FM radio.

Let her go. It'll hurt, but that's o.k. It will also heal, and then you'll be better equipped with some perspective and life experience the next time you meet someone to whom you are attracted.

One last thing. I'd say counseling, as fusangite suggested, is a good move. It can really help to get some focus by talking to a qualified professional (instead of a bunch of amateurs on a message board) who is removed from the situation and can point out things about the situation you can't see because you're blind over this girl. Chin up, and good luck.

Warrior Poet

 

[Warrior Poet]

Listen to Buttercup. Buttercup is wise. And succinct. I am verbose. That is all.

Warrior Poet

 

[PowerWordDumb]

Please explain yourself more.

You are not in love. You are in obsession, a whole other, rather less savory place.

You can't lose her, because you don't have her. She's indicated quite clearly she doesn't want you. There is no miscommunication, there is lack of acceptance on your part.

You need to shrug it off, wish her well, and hope to find someone who is interested in you and who you don't scare.

Some day, when you actually have experienced love, you'll look back on this with nothing more than a little uncomfortable laughter. Don't make it any worse than that.

 

[spatha]

Just remember there is a fine line between persistance and stalking. Make sure you don't cross it.

 

[Einan]

I don't have too much to add to this discussion. I think Buttercup hit it squarely on the head for massive damage.

Chicks dig guys who don't need them. Be yourself. Don't worry about whether a girl digs you. If you're confident in yourself, girls will dig you. I am not a looker, but I can pick up women pretty easily, mainly because I believe I can. Confidence goes a long way.

And let the girl alone. Chicks do not dig guys that obsess. Large burly men in prison named Spike and Butch dig guys who obsess. And they don't cuddle afterwards.

Einan

 

[BOZ]

i was pretty awkward at 16 myself. i'm less awkward now. yes, i probably creeped girls out too. but then i learned not to take everything so darned *seriously* and talking to girls became a lot less stressful. soon thereafter, i met my wife.

 

[Pielorinho]

Man, this is hard. We've all been there. Being sixteen is NOT a fun way to be.

YOu may be in love in the way that sixteen-year-olds are in love, just not in the way that thirty-year-olds are in love. Unfortunately, the sixteen-year-old way is a lot more painful.

If she said no, she really, really meant it. The best thing you can do is to back way away from her. Don't believe the idea that you can still be friends with her, at least not right now: right now, being around her is going to be agony for you, and you'll try to act nonchalant, but you'll have an amazingly creepy rictus on your face instead of the friendly smile you think you have, and she'll be creeped out, and you'll be dying inside, and oh boy, but I am glad I will never be sixteen again.

There's a movie out there, The Tao of Steve. I don't think it's a very good movie, but it's got some of the most refreshingly honest advice in it for how to facilitate romance. Briefly, it suggests the following ideas:
1) Be desireless. If you look like you're lookin for love, you aren't very attractive. I don't know why that's true, but it's true; and when you have some girl with a huge crush on you who's nervous about it and tearing herself apart, and you're thinking, "oh, ick!" you'll understand. If you can think to yourself, "Dude, I am SO OVER love," and really mean it, for some reason, it makes you more attractive.
2) Be Excellent. Find something you're good at, and do it. This can be soccer ('scuse me, football), running D&D games, baking cookies, or playing guitar, it doesn't matter (okay, it does matter: if you think teenage dungeon masters have as much romantic success as teenage guitarists, you grew up in a different town than I did). Still, be excellent at something, and do the excellent thing. Skill, competence, confidence: these are all attractive.
3) Be absent. If you're not gone, how can she miss you? Do you good thing, and then go away. Omnipresence is one baby step from clingy, and clinginess is not attractive.

Good luck, man. I'm just telling you what I wish someone had told me when I was sixteen and agonizing over Rose Reitzel-Perry, the lovely sardonic poet who sent me letters with e.e. cummings passages.

Daniel

Edit: Woah! The lovely Rose Reitzel-Perry is a published author! How cool is that?

 

[Kid Charlemagne]

Edit: Woah! The lovely Rose Reitzel-Perry is a published author! How cool is that?

We could all google our 16-year old crushes and post them... I found mine teaching at an ivy league school not too long ago. Looked pretty cute for 25 years later...

 

[Dougal DeKree]

Wow a lot of good advice here. Still I want to stress one point: If you like her, like Pielorinho said, be absent. IF she likes being with you, she will let you know. If she doesn't call/write/whatever on her part - she's not worth thinking about her any further.

Or would you like a partner who doesn't know what she wants? And even if it takes some time to find such a partner - your will find her. But it may take some patience.