How would your group handle this somewhat delicate situation with a player?

[joethelawyer]

There are four members in our group: my brother the DM, me, and two other guys. My brother and I are pretty much available any time. We want to set a firm date to play every week.

One of the other guys we have been having a bit of a problem with. We used to pretty much be able to set a fixed date every week, usually a friday or monday night or whatever, excluding holidays, birthdays, etc. of course.

This problem guy's wife was always in nursing school at night, so he was always free. We didn't seem to have a problem getting together, except for the normal things most groups run into.

Now, there seems to be a complication. She is out of school. The household rule with them seems to be that if she is home, he has to be home. We work our game days around her schedule lately. It doesn't seem to be so much "We never see each other." It seems to be more an issue of lack freedom in a relationship to do your own thing.

I don't want the guy's marital issue, if there is one, to affect our game. At the same time, the marital issue, if there is one, is their problem. I don't know how to approach the guy about this, nor would I be the one to do it.

I have a well-known complete lack of tact in these sorts of matters. If I approached him, it would be something like "Dude, grow a pair, tell your wife it's game night, and if she doesn't like it, tell her she can kiss your 20-sider. If she gives you any more lip, tell her she's cut off. No more nightly deliveries from Mr. Happy."

Of course, I am the single guy in the group. Go figure.

Anyway, any ideas on how to approach this thing?

Thx

 

[Crothian]

Are you friends with the wife? If so you can always talk to both of them about it at the same time. Or just be up front with the guy and explain to him that you need to have a set day for the gaming. Leave it up to him to see if he's willing to accept that. Of course that only works if you are willing to have him leave the group. Also, make sure the other people in the group are involved and are okay with it.

 

[fba827]

Confronting him (at least based on the info presented) seems unnecessary and would just put things in a bad light -- the guy has to live and have a life with her, don't make him have to choose or feel bad it. Their relationship issues (if there are any) are things he'l have to work out and doesn't need input from you all.

The only reason you should even consider needing to say something is if it's affecting your ability to get together. And based on what you said here, it seems to can still get together, just need to keep rescheduling to do so.

If you're all still able to get together (despite having to reschedule every so often) then leave it alone.

If, however, you all can't get together or you have to reschedule to times that are inconvinent for everyone else, then there is a problem at which point try and alternate around "who has to miss"

If anything, he'll just end up missing a lot and you can tell him then "dude, we miss you at the games, is there any way you can join us monday night?" (or whatever) -- not bringing the wife or marriage in to it, and just stating the facts as to how it relates to you (you miss him and want to game with him -- wow that sounds dirty the way i just said it).


anyway, that's just my thoughts as a neutral 3rd party that doesn't know any of you or your personalities or social dynamics.

 

[joethelawyer]

Are you friends with the wife? If so you can always talk to both of them about it at the same time. Or just be up front with the guy and explain to him that you need to have a set day for the gaming. Leave it up to him to see if he's willing to accept that. Of course that only works if you are willing to have him leave the group. Also, make sure the other people in the group are involved and are okay with it.

i've only met the woman once. no one really knows her at all, so approaching her is kinda out of the question.

as to him leaving, i dont know. the dm plays a character, a semi-permanent npc, and the other guy plays 2, so we have 4 characters and 3 players without him. 3 players makes for a somewhat boring mix. then again, the problem player says 4 words every session, basically. but he really enjoys playing. so i dont want to deny him that. its just that he puts playing at the bottom of his list every week. he's also friends with the other unnamed player who plays 2 characters. we only met him thru that guy. ya see the complications? i dont want to make an ultimatum that gets the other guy annoyed either, makes for a bad vibe.

because of this wife thing we went from playing once a week to once a month. that makes it so annoying its almost not worth playing. its not like we're in college anymore and can do an 18 hour session. we get in 4 hours if we're lucky, of which one hour is just BS'ing time.

messy no matter how you look at it.

 

[Set]

In my experience, newlyweds end up being unable to leave the house for about two years. We've lost a lot of gaming friends that way, and, usually about two years later, they come back, often with their formerly draconian and / or insecure wives encouraging them to 'go play with your friends.'

I have no idea what causes this sea change, where the spouse who wouldn't let them out of their sight is now shoving them out the door, but it's happened with four friends now (one twice, as he married again and we didn't see him for the traditional two years), so I'm declaring it one of those mysteries that is best unexplored.

 

[Cryptos]

The household rule with them seems to be that if she is home, he has to be home.

Mr. theLawyer:

There's a loophole there. It simply states where your client has to be, it doesn't seem to preclude him from engaging in any gaming activities at that location or from that location.

Perhaps if he were to host a game for a night, she might see her way toward cutting him loose for one night a week in the future.... Or she might begin to trust his friends enough to let him loose. Who knows? She might not actually believe that her husband and several single men sit around a table once a week and pretend to slay dragons. Once she sees it with her own eyes, maybe she'll believe.

 

[Michael Silverbane]

You should hold your game in the way that works out for the most people. If the three people that are not the problem guy want to hold the game on Friday nights (or Monday nights, or whenever), then hold it on that day. Let the problem player know that he is welcome to join you, but that you can't keep putting your game on hold when he can't show up.

Maybe you could have the guy invite his wife to the game, as well, if the rest of you wouldn't mind adding another player...

 

[Cadfan]

I wouldn't be so sure that it isn't a "we never see each other" thing.

I may be reading into it, but is this the situation? She works random shifts as a nurse, and often works nights. He works days. That means they never see each other during the day unless she has a weekend day off, and they only see each other intermittently in the evenings. If that matches my situation, that means they see each other about 1 full day a week, and 4 evenings.

Of course, it also means that he's got three other days off. And you just said that none of the rest of you have anything happening in the evening. Maybe he's not the one being the jerk- maybe its you guys for being insistent upon a set date (for no other reason I can see other than personal preference) when the guy is perfectly able to play in the evening, but just can't predict exactly which evening he'll be around.

 

[Cadfan]

Just a note- my wife disagrees with me.

Of course, if I were the one in this guy's position, and I was trying to leave to play D&D on one of the few nights we are together, when I was completely able to play on a different date when she was at work, I bet she'd change her mind.

 

[Rel]

Mr. theLawyer:

There's a loophole there. It simply states where your client has to be, it doesn't seem to preclude him from engaging in any gaming activities at that location or from that location.

Perhaps if he were to host a game for a night, she might see her way toward cutting him loose for one night a week in the future.... Or she might begin to trust his friends enough to let him loose. Who knows? She might not actually believe that her husband and several single men sit around a table once a week and pretend to slay dragons. Once she sees it with her own eyes, maybe she'll believe.

I think this is the way to go. Just say, "Seems like we might be able to game as much as we'd like if we play at your place. How about it?" If he says yes, one of two things will happen: She'll be happy with that arrangement (in which case problem solved) or she won't. If she's not then her answer might be, "I don't like you being gone but I like all your friends over here every week even less. Go have fun elsewhere."

Or she might say, "No you can't play here and no you can't play there if I'm here." at which point I think she's being controlling and unreasonable but you're no worse off than you are now.