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[Humour] The Adventures of the A-Team - Story 3?? Aussie posters help please!
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<blockquote data-quote="Inez Hull" data-source="post: 600928" data-attributes="member: 5114"><p><strong>V: An Enlightening Experience</strong></p><p></p><p></p><p><em>One hour later.</em></p><p></p><p></p><p>“This must be close to it. You can still see the scorch marks,” Virgil said as the group peered down yet another corridor. At the end of this passage a pair of smoke-blackened double doors hung loosely on shattered hinges. From the chamber beyond came a strange dolorous chanting.</p><p></p><p>“OM NOMINE PADUA, OM NOMJNE PADUA, OM NOMINE PADUA”</p><p></p><p>“Come on then,” said Mango. “Let’s get it over with.”</p><p></p><p>“No listen,” said Shana. “I have plan!”</p><p></p><p>“Oooooh,” went the rest of the group, unimpressed.</p><p></p><p>“I remember the last time we were here. There’s a little minstrel’s gallery at the back,” Shana explained. “if Dankwart can find the stairs to it, I can sneak up there. Then while you guys make a diversion at the doorway I’ll drop a rope and snatch Zeek. Then Bob’s your uncle.”</p><p></p><p>“Me like,” snorted Dankwart.</p><p></p><p>“Sounds fine to me,” Wilson agreed.</p><p></p><p>“Off you go then, Shana,” Mango urged.</p><p></p><p>“No he’s not,” said Virgil confused.</p><p></p><p>The group ignored this remark. Once again, Dankwart miraculously revealed a secret passage, this one leading to a stairway heading upwards. “Follow me,” he called to Shana.</p><p></p><p>The pair scurried off whilst the Virgil, Mango and Wilson strolled into the doorway to the great chamber only to be confronted by a scene of complete pandemonium.</p><p></p><p>In a vast vaulted chamber, ores gambolled around a central altar composed of rotting corpses and broken bones. Above the altar a tattered banner hung with an ancient name scrawled in blood. On the altar lay a young girl with a charcoaled foot, the artifact, resting on her tummy. Ragnurk, the shaman, was standing over the girl, his arms waving rhythmically to conduct the chant of the gathered congregation. Beside him stood Abel Zeek, his chubby face creased in a beatific smile, waving the dishevelled remains of a dove’s feather in time to the chanting. ‘One Host to Attend Him.’</p><p></p><p>“ZEEK!” bellowed Virgil. “What in the name of all that’s holy are you doing?!”</p><p></p><p>Silence. The chanting ceased abruptly. A room full of piggy faces turned to the trio in the doorway.</p><p></p><p>“Well, you’ve got their attention, Virgil. Now what?”</p><p></p><p>Zeek waved. “Hi, guys. What kept you?”</p><p></p><p>“What is going on here, Zeek?” asked Wilson.</p><p></p><p>“I’m doing a mass conversion,” Zeek bubbled. “I explained all the benefits; you know, the everlasting peace and harmony, the miracles, the snappy habits, pension plan and all that stuff and they got all excited and began singing and dancing salutations to Shannafnia.”</p><p></p><p>The A-Team could hardly believe their eyes and ears, Abel Zeek had never before even accomplished a good sermon let alone a mass conversion.</p><p></p><p>“Just one question, Zeek me boy,” Wilson frowned, finally gathering his wits, “why the human sacrifice.”</p><p></p><p>“Sacrifice?” asked Zeek.</p><p></p><p>“Sacrifice?” asked the maiden, with a startled look.</p><p></p><p>“No, no,” smiled Zeek reassuringly. “Marion’s not a sacrifice. She offered to step in as a love maiden priestess role. A bit of a focus for the lads.”</p><p></p><p>The orcs grinned wolfishly. Ragnurk moved from behind the altar with his Honour Guard in close attendance.</p><p></p><p>“Ere’ you didn’t mention no sacrifice,” Marion swung her feet to the floor, spilling the charred foot to the ground.</p><p></p><p>Meanwhile Virgil, who was looking out for Shana, nudged Wilson. “See that name above the altar? Isn’t that...,”</p><p></p><p>Wilson hastily clamped a hand over the paladin’s mouth. “No-one kill anyone, or so much as breathe that name or it will act as a summoning focus. Remember the fortune cookie warning...,”</p><p></p><p><em>Above the A-Team, hunched on his huge throne, surrounded by Sacred Manuals and ivory die, looking down on his finely developed denouement scene, the Chucker of Polygons scowled, miffed that Wilson had actually worked out the plot.</em></p><p></p><p>Mango nodded grimly. “‘Nuff said.”</p><p></p><p>Meanwhile, Ragnurk was feeling a bit left out. He roughly thrust the girl back on the altar and barked orders to his troops, “Lily-livers wanem deadum!”</p><p></p><p>“Ere, steady on boys,” Marion said indignantly. “What happened to the bit about me being a love goddess?”</p><p></p><p>“Yes quite,” blushed Zeek. “We’ll be getting to that soon enough.”</p><p></p><p>Ragnurk’s orcs lowered spears and advanced toward the A-Team trio whilst the shaman raised his hands to cast a spell.</p><p></p><p>Up above the chamber, in a balcony overlooking the altar Shana winked at Dankwart. “Perfect. Time to grab Zeek. Drop him a rope.”</p><p></p><p>Dankwart nodded and did so.</p><p></p><p>Shana looked disbelievingly at the half-orc. “It would have helped if you’d held onto one end,” she ground out.</p><p></p><p>Dankwart smiled enigmatically.</p><p></p><p>Ragnurk was really working himself up into a frenzy now, rubbing a glass rod with a dead rat and mumbling archaically.</p><p></p><p>“He’s gonna throw a spell,” panicked Mango. “Let’s withdraw and reassess the plan!”</p><p></p><p>“Wouldn’t worry,” said Wilson oozing misbegotten confidence. “Sticks to snakes. The only spell a shaman knows. Any minute now a bunch of twigs will turn into a bunch or wriggling reptiles and we’re supposed to run howling in fear. Pathetic I call it.”</p><p></p><p>“Are you sure?” Mango didn’t sound convinced.</p><p></p><p>“Get in there and dice ‘em. Have I ever led you astray?”</p><p></p><p>Virgil and Mango drew their swords, pausing a moment to give Wilson a scathing look at that last remark.</p><p></p><p>“Onward for Truth, Loyalty and Honour!” Virgil strode into the pack of advancing orcs. Mango did likewise, chuffed as the ravening horde parted like the Red Sea before him.</p><p></p><p>“About time I was shown a bit of respect,” he puffed.</p><p></p><p>The orc guard parted to reveal Ragnurk finishing his spell.</p><p></p><p>“Give it away, bucko!” smirked Mango. “A couple of snakes aren’t gonna touch my armour class.”</p><p></p><p>Ragnurk completed his spell with what witnesses afterwards claimed sounded like, “Eat this, Paleface!” and a thin bolt of bright light snaked slowly from his palm. It seemed to be sniffing the air in the chamber, seeking out something...</p><p></p><p>“Sure this is sticks to snake?” whispered Mango hoarsely.</p><p></p><p>Wilson squinted. Wilson looked thoughtful. Wilson shook his head. Wilson struggled to clear his rapidly drying throat. “Ch ch . chain...,” he began.</p><p></p><p>Mango wrinkled his nose. “Chain snakes?”</p><p></p><p>Leaning over the balcony’s edge, Shana held out a hand aid called “Zeek!” at exactly the wrong moment. A thin streak of white hot lightning caught her fair in the cleavage.</p><p></p><p>“Yeow!” she squealed and fell back.</p><p></p><p>“..Llightning!” yelled Wilson, his face drained of all colour.</p><p></p><p>Mango looked relieved. “Well he can’t have more than one lightning bolt. Let’s get him!”</p><p></p><p>Wilson chose rather than to explain, to sprint back into the corridor shaking his head.</p><p></p><p>“Problem?” asked Virgil, watching Wilson scarper, then staggered backward as the thin bolt arced from the minstrel’s gallery, speared across the chamber and pounded into his breast plate, electrifying him. “Yikes!”</p><p></p><p>“Well you don’t see that happen every day?” said Mango, still unperturbed. Again the bolt leapt, blasting a tidy hole in Mango’s annour, and setting his teeth a-chattering. “Aaargh!”</p><p></p><p>Wilson breathed heavily as he threw his back against the corridor wall. “Made it,” he sighed. He waited a moment, then as the screams subsided he chanced a look inside the room. It didn’t take more than a millionth of a second to register that he’d made a big mistake as the angry bolt of lightning arced from Mango’s prostrate form and caught him fair between the eyes. Toppling him to the floor.</p><p></p><p>Zeek looked around, bewildered. “Does this mean the conversion’s over?”</p><p></p><p>From above Dankwart smiled a lopsided grin and spat a sleep dart in Zeek’s chubby back</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Inez Hull, post: 600928, member: 5114"] [b]V: An Enlightening Experience[/b] [i]One hour later.[/i] “This must be close to it. You can still see the scorch marks,” Virgil said as the group peered down yet another corridor. At the end of this passage a pair of smoke-blackened double doors hung loosely on shattered hinges. From the chamber beyond came a strange dolorous chanting. “OM NOMINE PADUA, OM NOMJNE PADUA, OM NOMINE PADUA” “Come on then,” said Mango. “Let’s get it over with.” “No listen,” said Shana. “I have plan!” “Oooooh,” went the rest of the group, unimpressed. “I remember the last time we were here. There’s a little minstrel’s gallery at the back,” Shana explained. “if Dankwart can find the stairs to it, I can sneak up there. Then while you guys make a diversion at the doorway I’ll drop a rope and snatch Zeek. Then Bob’s your uncle.” “Me like,” snorted Dankwart. “Sounds fine to me,” Wilson agreed. “Off you go then, Shana,” Mango urged. “No he’s not,” said Virgil confused. The group ignored this remark. Once again, Dankwart miraculously revealed a secret passage, this one leading to a stairway heading upwards. “Follow me,” he called to Shana. The pair scurried off whilst the Virgil, Mango and Wilson strolled into the doorway to the great chamber only to be confronted by a scene of complete pandemonium. In a vast vaulted chamber, ores gambolled around a central altar composed of rotting corpses and broken bones. Above the altar a tattered banner hung with an ancient name scrawled in blood. On the altar lay a young girl with a charcoaled foot, the artifact, resting on her tummy. Ragnurk, the shaman, was standing over the girl, his arms waving rhythmically to conduct the chant of the gathered congregation. Beside him stood Abel Zeek, his chubby face creased in a beatific smile, waving the dishevelled remains of a dove’s feather in time to the chanting. ‘One Host to Attend Him.’ “ZEEK!” bellowed Virgil. “What in the name of all that’s holy are you doing?!” Silence. The chanting ceased abruptly. A room full of piggy faces turned to the trio in the doorway. “Well, you’ve got their attention, Virgil. Now what?” Zeek waved. “Hi, guys. What kept you?” “What is going on here, Zeek?” asked Wilson. “I’m doing a mass conversion,” Zeek bubbled. “I explained all the benefits; you know, the everlasting peace and harmony, the miracles, the snappy habits, pension plan and all that stuff and they got all excited and began singing and dancing salutations to Shannafnia.” The A-Team could hardly believe their eyes and ears, Abel Zeek had never before even accomplished a good sermon let alone a mass conversion. “Just one question, Zeek me boy,” Wilson frowned, finally gathering his wits, “why the human sacrifice.” “Sacrifice?” asked Zeek. “Sacrifice?” asked the maiden, with a startled look. “No, no,” smiled Zeek reassuringly. “Marion’s not a sacrifice. She offered to step in as a love maiden priestess role. A bit of a focus for the lads.” The orcs grinned wolfishly. Ragnurk moved from behind the altar with his Honour Guard in close attendance. “Ere’ you didn’t mention no sacrifice,” Marion swung her feet to the floor, spilling the charred foot to the ground. Meanwhile Virgil, who was looking out for Shana, nudged Wilson. “See that name above the altar? Isn’t that...,” Wilson hastily clamped a hand over the paladin’s mouth. “No-one kill anyone, or so much as breathe that name or it will act as a summoning focus. Remember the fortune cookie warning...,” [i]Above the A-Team, hunched on his huge throne, surrounded by Sacred Manuals and ivory die, looking down on his finely developed denouement scene, the Chucker of Polygons scowled, miffed that Wilson had actually worked out the plot.[/i] Mango nodded grimly. “‘Nuff said.” Meanwhile, Ragnurk was feeling a bit left out. He roughly thrust the girl back on the altar and barked orders to his troops, “Lily-livers wanem deadum!” “Ere, steady on boys,” Marion said indignantly. “What happened to the bit about me being a love goddess?” “Yes quite,” blushed Zeek. “We’ll be getting to that soon enough.” Ragnurk’s orcs lowered spears and advanced toward the A-Team trio whilst the shaman raised his hands to cast a spell. Up above the chamber, in a balcony overlooking the altar Shana winked at Dankwart. “Perfect. Time to grab Zeek. Drop him a rope.” Dankwart nodded and did so. Shana looked disbelievingly at the half-orc. “It would have helped if you’d held onto one end,” she ground out. Dankwart smiled enigmatically. Ragnurk was really working himself up into a frenzy now, rubbing a glass rod with a dead rat and mumbling archaically. “He’s gonna throw a spell,” panicked Mango. “Let’s withdraw and reassess the plan!” “Wouldn’t worry,” said Wilson oozing misbegotten confidence. “Sticks to snakes. The only spell a shaman knows. Any minute now a bunch of twigs will turn into a bunch or wriggling reptiles and we’re supposed to run howling in fear. Pathetic I call it.” “Are you sure?” Mango didn’t sound convinced. “Get in there and dice ‘em. Have I ever led you astray?” Virgil and Mango drew their swords, pausing a moment to give Wilson a scathing look at that last remark. “Onward for Truth, Loyalty and Honour!” Virgil strode into the pack of advancing orcs. Mango did likewise, chuffed as the ravening horde parted like the Red Sea before him. “About time I was shown a bit of respect,” he puffed. The orc guard parted to reveal Ragnurk finishing his spell. “Give it away, bucko!” smirked Mango. “A couple of snakes aren’t gonna touch my armour class.” Ragnurk completed his spell with what witnesses afterwards claimed sounded like, “Eat this, Paleface!” and a thin bolt of bright light snaked slowly from his palm. It seemed to be sniffing the air in the chamber, seeking out something... “Sure this is sticks to snake?” whispered Mango hoarsely. Wilson squinted. Wilson looked thoughtful. Wilson shook his head. Wilson struggled to clear his rapidly drying throat. “Ch ch . chain...,” he began. Mango wrinkled his nose. “Chain snakes?” Leaning over the balcony’s edge, Shana held out a hand aid called “Zeek!” at exactly the wrong moment. A thin streak of white hot lightning caught her fair in the cleavage. “Yeow!” she squealed and fell back. “..Llightning!” yelled Wilson, his face drained of all colour. Mango looked relieved. “Well he can’t have more than one lightning bolt. Let’s get him!” Wilson chose rather than to explain, to sprint back into the corridor shaking his head. “Problem?” asked Virgil, watching Wilson scarper, then staggered backward as the thin bolt arced from the minstrel’s gallery, speared across the chamber and pounded into his breast plate, electrifying him. “Yikes!” “Well you don’t see that happen every day?” said Mango, still unperturbed. Again the bolt leapt, blasting a tidy hole in Mango’s annour, and setting his teeth a-chattering. “Aaargh!” Wilson breathed heavily as he threw his back against the corridor wall. “Made it,” he sighed. He waited a moment, then as the screams subsided he chanced a look inside the room. It didn’t take more than a millionth of a second to register that he’d made a big mistake as the angry bolt of lightning arced from Mango’s prostrate form and caught him fair between the eyes. Toppling him to the floor. Zeek looked around, bewildered. “Does this mean the conversion’s over?” From above Dankwart smiled a lopsided grin and spat a sleep dart in Zeek’s chubby back [/QUOTE]
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[Humour] The Adventures of the A-Team - Story 3?? Aussie posters help please!
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