Joke thread - post yer jokes here! :)

[Fyrestryke]

"Hello? Is this the FBI?"

"Yes. What can I do for you?"

"I'm calling to report on my neighbor Virgil Smith. He's hiding marijuana inside his firewood!"

"Thank you very much for the call, sir."

The next day, the FBI agents descended on Virgil's house. They search the shed where the
firewood was kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but found no marijuana.
They sneered at Virgil as they left.

A few minutes later, Virgil's phone rang. "Hey, Virgil. This here's Floyd. Did the FBI come by?"

"Yeah..."

"Did they chop your firewood?"

"Sure did..."

"Happy Birthday, buddy !!"

 

[Odovacar's Ghost]

D20

 

[thormagni]

Bad joke... first one off the top of my head

So, an old-time travelling pastor stops by a rural country church for his Sunday mornin preaching and finds only an old farmer in the pews. The preacher asks the farmer if he still wants to hear a sermon. The farmer says, "Well reverend, if I was delivering hay to cows in the back 40 and there was only one cow out there, I reckon I would still feed him."

The preacher launches into an impassioned hour and a half sermon, giving the full spiel to the farmer who sits politely throughout the lesson. After it was over, the preacher asked the farmer how he thought it had gone. "Well reverend, if I came across that cow out in the back 40, I would feed him, but I'm pretty sure I wouldn't feed him the whole truckload."

 

[thormagni]

And a second one...

(Just a warning, I don't really DO jokes. These are as funny as it gets, I suspect. Your mileage may vary.)

A guy walks into a bar with a three-legged pig under his arm and sets the pig down on a stool next to him. The bartender raises and eyebrow but gives the man a beer. After a bit, the bartender's curiosity gets the best of him. "Mister, why does your pig only have three legs?"

The man says "Well, last winter, we were asleep in our farmhouse when the wood-burning stove caught the curtains on fire. This pig woke up, escaped from his pen, found a way into the house and then pulled me to safety."

"That's pretty impressive for a pig, that's for sure," The bartender said.

"That isn't the half of it, after rescuing me, the pig went back in, pulled out my wife, my son and my daughter. Then he rounded up the dog and the cats, getting them all to safety."

"Wow, that is an amazing pig," the bartender marvelled.

"Then this summer, we were out fishing on the pond and our boat capsized. The pig came racing from the barn, leaped into the water and saved my boy and I. Then he swam to the bottom of the pond and pulled up our fishing gear."

"That is amazing!" the bartender said. "But I still don't understand, when did he lose the leg?"

"Well, with a pig this smart, you don't want to eat him all at once."

 

[thormagni]

And the last

Did you hear about the Jehovah's Witness who married an atheist? Their child went around knocking on doors for no apparent reason.

*
*
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(ba-dum, bum... Thank you, thank you. I'll be here all week. Try the veal.)

 

[Fyrestryke]

What do you call and angnostic dyslexic insomniac?

Someone who stays up all night wondering if there's a Dog...

 

[thormagni]

What do you call and angnostic dyslexic insomniac?

Someone who stays up all night wondering if there's a Dog...

Hehe

 

[Armin]

The priest and the politician

There was a politician and a priest who just got to Heaven.They were driven in a limo to their destinations where they would live in Heaven.The priest got out and went into a hotel, then the driver continued and went to a mansion where the politician would spend eternity.The politician got up when he was told to get out and turned around before he went in and asked why the priest went to a hotel and he got to stay in a mansion.The driver said that Heaven was full of priests and that he was the first politician to arrive.

 

[InzeladunMaster]

One of the funniest "most-embarrassing-moment" stories I've come upon in a long time was about a lady who picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of her items had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear, "PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN, TAMPAX, SUPER SIZE."


That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word "Tampax" for "THUMBTACKS." In a businesslike tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom. "DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?"