Dragon Magazine Issue 168: April 1991
part 1/6
116 pages. Another april, another dose of wackiness. No more keeping it to alternating years, Roger's got the material, and he fully intends to make sure we get it too. With this, birthday issues always being dragon themed, and october ones getting the horror stuff, that means he only has to think up different themes for 9 issues a year. So trust nothing anyone says, check every cushion before you sit down, and do not sniff flowers, or accept when someone tries to high-five you under any circumstances. You might just get out with your dignity intact. You can trust me of course. Let's go con some sucker out of their money with a rigged card game.
In this issue:
Buy the new D&D basic game! The first in 8 years, and the best version yet! Get lots more newbies into playing. Pwease! Pwetty pwease! They just have to preach to the choir, don't they. Couldn't you at least make it mockable like Khellek & co.
Letters: Roger continues his now semi-annual tradition of posting dumb letters from readers pretty much as they were recieved. Substantial amounts of entertainment for minimal effort. All you need to do is lay them out properly. A relationship question that seems unlikely to end well. Goddamn bad boys :mutter mutter: A custody battle over a baby orc, of all things. A question on what to do with the body of a dead dragon. You ought to know by now that the sky (and the ingenuity of your magic-user) is the limit in this matter. A truly demented letter about using psychic force to attend a space academy for years in half an hour of real time. And a dumb letter involving people who don't have a clue what they're doing. They sure do know how to pick them.
Editorial: So you've been criticizing Roger's editing, saying it's not as good as Kim's used to be. Here, he pulls out all the sadistic stops to show us just how hard editing D&D is, especially now there are hundreds of products out, many of which introduce new creatures, classes and rules that aren't particularly consistent. A whole bunch of questions, most of which are trick ones, and many which require encyclopedic knowledge of the history of D&D publications. It ends with a fakeout, to be concluded next issue. Looks like Roger is bringing his particular brand of whimsy to this section as well. It rather makes me want to pick his brains with a bohemian ear spoon. It's certainly different, anyway. As ever, shaking off the boredom has definite value.
How to role-play in one easy lesson: Or Let's get Wacky!!!
Roll on the random name generation table! (I'll take a consonant please Carol ) Play up the demihuman stereotypes! Stab all the other players in the back! Procrastinate and irritate! Metagame at every opportunity! Yup, it's a typical not very useful april fools article to kick things off with. Like the cheating articles of '89, this is more useful as a primer to what NOT to do. I think you can hop, skip and kangaroo jump (or possibly wombat trundle) over this one without regrets.
Merty's manual of magical Merchandise: MMMM. Another lovely collection of humorous items with uncertain usefulness, all tied together with an overarching creation story, and all awesomely abusing alliteration. I remember these from the magical item compendium a few years later, and must confess to a certain degree of amusement. They stuck in my mind quite effectively, as all have their uses, but most have their dangers as well. Let the buyer beware. Muahahahaha.
Merty's Marvelous Marbles let you pull all manner of pranks, and then call them back quickly and conveniently. They will backfire occasionally, but that's a small price to pay for years of fun.
Merty's Mystic Mustard is so hot it lets you breathe fire. And can give you terminal heartburn if you're not careful. Very cartoonish.
Merty's Magnificent Mattress puts you to sleep magically. This does have it's drawback. If there's no-one to wake you, you'll sleep forever. Good thing adventurers usually come in parties, eh?
Merty's Multiplanar Mushrooms let you go ethereal if you eat one. They have an obvious drawback, and a subtly hidden one. Buy in bulk for maximum benefit. (if you have the money)
Merty's Mysterious Mug is perfect for pranksters, but has few practical purposes. A good example of the how to lose friends and influence people principle.
Merty's Masterful Mufflers actually do their job reliably. No sound will get through when wearing them. Now you just need to learn sign language and watch out for monsters sneaking up on you.
Merty's Munificent Matches go fwoosh when lit in quite an alarming fashion. Watch you don't drop them and burn yourself. Not really very magical, is it.
Merty's mmm-mmmm! Muskmelons give you a reusable source of convenient food. Your henchman will be thrilled at how much less he has to carry. Still, don't be surprised if living off nothing but fruit gives you the runs.
Merty's Miraculous Mistmaker does exactly what it says on the tin. Remember, mist obscures vision for everyone, and lots of monsters are better at dealing with blindness than you.
Merty's Mud Masque lets you disguise yourself by covering yourself with it. This is not as useful as it seems, largely due to it's limitations and short duration.
Merty's Masculine Macho-Musk is a rather counterproductive product, that may be handy in combat, but will not help you get the girls like you think it will. How many spam e-mails have I got about pheromone perfume that'll supposedly make you irresistible. Use the character as a decoy in the chamber of the sci-mutant priestess.
Merty's Musical Menagerie will give you the musical instruments you need, if you're lucky. Finding the right one can be a frustrating experience though. Wearing gloves may help with this.
Merty's Magical Markers let you put invisible signals around a dungeon to aid in navigation. Don't lose the decoder ring, otherwise they'll be pretty pointless.
This is one of the more awkward things about the internet gradually becoming less anonymous. If twats like /b get a grudge against you, you can be recieving prank phonecalls and fresh prince spam for years.
