Medieval-Style Insults, or: How to start a tavern fight in under six seconds.

[Shiv]

So let's throw out our favorite insults, medieval-style. I'll start with some half-orc put-downs. (Please keep in mind that I choose half-orcs cuz they're easy. You may flavor your insults to taste.)

"Hey Grak, does 'half-orc' mean you're half as smart as an orc?"

"How many half-orcs does it take to shingle a roof?"
"Only one, but you gotta slice him reeeaaal thin."

"What's black and brown and looks good on a half-orc?"
"Topsoil."

What's black and brown and also looks good on a half-orc?"
"A pack of hunting dogs."

"What's the best thing about killing an orc?"
"Squinting and pretending it's a half-orc."

"What's the difference between a half-orc and a bucket of e?"
"The bucket."

 

[Hakkenshi]

Doesn't that count as racism?

 

[Teflon Billy]

Half-Racism

 

[alsih2o]

personal favorite: "your mothers privates smell of goblin offal"

 

[alsih2o]

also....

"i've raped men meaner than you"

"does you daddy know you're carrying his sword"

to a dwarf "what's the gnomish word for ass-kicking?" or "dwarf, gnome halfling, same old same old"

"no, no, i like elves....especially sauteed, with a nice stout ale"

 

[Tonguez]

personal favorite: "your mothers privates smell of goblin offal"

Reply: What are you doing sniffing my mothers privates?

 

[GuardianLurker]

A subtle one - To an elf (or orc) : "Hey, you look like you'd know. Which came first, pointy ears on elves, or pointy ears on orcs?"

Not so subtle: "Ever wonder why [orcs/goblins/trolls/...] are green? It's 'cause they can't figure out where to put the snot when they pick their nose."

 

[alsih2o]

Reply: What are you doing sniffing my mothers privates?

reply "you didn't know, she has a booth out back, it's just 2 coppers"

 

[Henry]

Here are some insults that can be applied to any situation?

"Excuse me, I must wonder... did your mother have a lover, or did the owlbear have to do?"

"Excuse me - I couldn't see past you for all the flies 'round your head."

"Oh, terribly sorry - I mistook you for the 'loo."

"Barkeep! Kindly remove this dead carcass here -- oh, it moves."

"You there! There's a Minotaur outside -- he wants his ball-gag back."

 

[spunky_mutters]

Religious putdowns are always good too:

"You don't seem bright enough to be a cleric of Pelor."

or to the Orc warriors:

"You do know which way the pointy bit goes, don't you? Wouldn't want to end up like Gruumsh."

or halflings:

"Mom always warned me about getting hair on my palms, I don't want to know how you got it on your feet!"