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[OT] Hurting. (I warn you, this is *very* OT
- Thread starter kylekornkven
- Start date
WSmith
First Post
Kyle, as a long time member of this community, I want to say never worry about posting things like this. We are friends, even though we don't see each other face to face. We are for here for each other.
Anyway, I am, unfortunitly, not able to give advice. I work in a job where I deal with, sometimes in life or death situations, some of the complete worst beings the human race has to offer. Because of it I have grown extremely jaded and cynical. In a way it sadens me that I am not the fun loving, laid back, "no worries" guy I used to be. I get very angry at things I used to be able to just blow off. In that sense, I have some things in common with you. There is a Bush song that starts, "Can you feel the way you hate, do you hate the way you feel?" I hear that in my head everyday. I know that I will never be the same guy I used to be, but I try to tell myself that I will be happier than the previous day. That is about as good as I can give.
However, some of the other advice given here is wonderful. Good Luck.
Anyway, I am, unfortunitly, not able to give advice. I work in a job where I deal with, sometimes in life or death situations, some of the complete worst beings the human race has to offer. Because of it I have grown extremely jaded and cynical. In a way it sadens me that I am not the fun loving, laid back, "no worries" guy I used to be. I get very angry at things I used to be able to just blow off. In that sense, I have some things in common with you. There is a Bush song that starts, "Can you feel the way you hate, do you hate the way you feel?" I hear that in my head everyday. I know that I will never be the same guy I used to be, but I try to tell myself that I will be happier than the previous day. That is about as good as I can give.
However, some of the other advice given here is wonderful. Good Luck.
Mistwell
Crusty Old Meatwad (he/him)
My Similar Story - A Happy Ending
Here's a bit of a true story that might, I hope, help a bit.
A long time ago, I had a best friend named Christopher myself, who was also one of my D&D player friends, and a virgin who had never dated anyone. I also found my first real, long-term, adult relationship with a woman. My girlfriend also cheated on me, and left me for, Christopher. It broke my heart, and sent me into a depression for a year.
Worse, while we were going out, Christopher became her best friend, and manipulated things to get us to break up (things like always bring up arguements we had, focusing her on the negative all the time, making sure she was too busy to see me for important events, that sort of thing). Christopher ended up dating her for a longer period of time than I did.
Only thing is, the story had a happy ending. Christopher and I eventually became friends again. We shared stories about this woman, and laghed about similar events. He told me how he had executed on a plan to break us up.
Eventually, he broke up with her himself.
Christopher is still my best friend, and we rarely, if ever, mention the woman anymore. When we do, we both laugh about the fact that either of us ever were interested much in the woman (not that she is evil, just controlling and not either of our types), and how stupid it was that we let her get in the way of our friendship.
I'm now happily in a relationship with a woman, as is Christopher. And we still game together (though he no longer plays D&D).
I'm not suggesting you run out and become friends with your Christopher right now. I am saying, however, that time brings perspective. You never know how things are going to look, down the road.
Generally, the rule is that it takes about half the amount of time you were with someone, to get over that person, and obtain your perspective. That means you have a rough 2 years or so ahead of you, probably.
Also, though this would be much more difficult with a child, I have found it best to have as little contact with your ex as possible, until you are over her. Unless it is for the benefit of your child, don't try to be friends with her (or enemies, or anything). Don't re-read old love letters, don't stare at pictures of her, and don't fantasize about her. Be a father to your child, but don't interact with your child's mother any more than you must, for about two years.
How you behave now will have an impact on your child. Make your little one proud of you. Have patience, and you will obtain perspective on this.
That's my advice, for what it's worth.
Here's a bit of a true story that might, I hope, help a bit.
A long time ago, I had a best friend named Christopher myself, who was also one of my D&D player friends, and a virgin who had never dated anyone. I also found my first real, long-term, adult relationship with a woman. My girlfriend also cheated on me, and left me for, Christopher. It broke my heart, and sent me into a depression for a year.
Worse, while we were going out, Christopher became her best friend, and manipulated things to get us to break up (things like always bring up arguements we had, focusing her on the negative all the time, making sure she was too busy to see me for important events, that sort of thing). Christopher ended up dating her for a longer period of time than I did.
Only thing is, the story had a happy ending. Christopher and I eventually became friends again. We shared stories about this woman, and laghed about similar events. He told me how he had executed on a plan to break us up.
Eventually, he broke up with her himself.
Christopher is still my best friend, and we rarely, if ever, mention the woman anymore. When we do, we both laugh about the fact that either of us ever were interested much in the woman (not that she is evil, just controlling and not either of our types), and how stupid it was that we let her get in the way of our friendship.
I'm now happily in a relationship with a woman, as is Christopher. And we still game together (though he no longer plays D&D).
I'm not suggesting you run out and become friends with your Christopher right now. I am saying, however, that time brings perspective. You never know how things are going to look, down the road.
Generally, the rule is that it takes about half the amount of time you were with someone, to get over that person, and obtain your perspective. That means you have a rough 2 years or so ahead of you, probably.
Also, though this would be much more difficult with a child, I have found it best to have as little contact with your ex as possible, until you are over her. Unless it is for the benefit of your child, don't try to be friends with her (or enemies, or anything). Don't re-read old love letters, don't stare at pictures of her, and don't fantasize about her. Be a father to your child, but don't interact with your child's mother any more than you must, for about two years.
How you behave now will have an impact on your child. Make your little one proud of you. Have patience, and you will obtain perspective on this.
That's my advice, for what it's worth.
King_Stannis
Explorer
this may sound weird, but when you get settled in a place of your own, maybe you should think about getting a dog or a cat (if you already don't have one). sometimes having a loving animal around will help you out on the worst of days.
Zhure
First Post
Same thing happened to me, almost identically, some 20 years ago. It hurts. I'm sorry. There's not much to add that hasn't been said already.
Looking back in the well of distance that two decades is, I realize it was a good thing finding out relatively early. But that knowledge doesn't make it any less painful. This event will reshape a good portion of your life. It's up to you to make sure the final form is the one you want.
I also second the notion of getting a pet. It's dumb and cliche, but the simple trusting love from an animal is a priceless gift that will help you heal.
Looking back in the well of distance that two decades is, I realize it was a good thing finding out relatively early. But that knowledge doesn't make it any less painful. This event will reshape a good portion of your life. It's up to you to make sure the final form is the one you want.
I also second the notion of getting a pet. It's dumb and cliche, but the simple trusting love from an animal is a priceless gift that will help you heal.
Wolfen Priest
First Post
King_Stannis said:
That is excellent advice. I second the idea. However, if you get cats, I suggest getting two rather than one.
Dude,
I've not read every reply to your post but what I've seen has been some great advice.
I, too, have experienced something similiar. The thing that helped me the most was seeing a councilor. Get things straight for yourself first then you can take care of others. Also, don't blame yourself for what other people have done; this is not your fault. And most importantly, breathe.
I know it sounds goofy, but a slow deep breath with a slow release can work wonders when situations and thoughts become tense.
Take care Kyle. I wish the best for you and your son.
machine.
I've not read every reply to your post but what I've seen has been some great advice.
I, too, have experienced something similiar. The thing that helped me the most was seeing a councilor. Get things straight for yourself first then you can take care of others. Also, don't blame yourself for what other people have done; this is not your fault. And most importantly, breathe.
I know it sounds goofy, but a slow deep breath with a slow release can work wonders when situations and thoughts become tense.Take care Kyle. I wish the best for you and your son.
machine.
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