Perform (Stand-Up Comedy)

[Mark Chance]

Buddha walks up to a hot dog vendor and says, "Make me one with everything."

ba-dum-ching!

There's a murder at an exclusive country club in Mexico City. Two homicide detectives arrive to investigate. The junior detective examines the body and asks, "What do you think was used as the murder weapon?"

To which the senior detective replies, "A golf gun."

"A golf gun? What's that?"

"I don't know, but it sure made a whole in Juan!"

ba-dum-ching!

Headline above a story about a manhunt for a criminal dwarf fortune-teller: Small Medium at Large!

ba-dum-ching!

 

[Kae'Yoss]

Ooh! Ooh! I know one. There's that restaurant where they make sandwiches with every kind of meat there is on earth. So someone walks in and says "Make me an ostrich sandwich, but don't let me wait long!"

Damn. Messed up again.

 

[Kae'Yoss]

Fairies.

Hank the Barbarian walks through the Enchanted Forest when a little, winged lady with a stick appears before him: "Hi, I am the Fairy witht he three wishes. I wish you weren't so stupid, I wish you would wash yourself more often, and I wish you would get a decent job!"


*ka-ching!*

"Bend down, fairy, a wish is a wish" *cowers before the wrath of Eric's Grandmother*

*ka-ching!*

The Evil Gnome walks through the Enchanted Forest when the Fairy appears: "You have two wishes" "OK, #1: Take a nail, and hammer it into yonder tree, so that noone, NO ONE!, ever can pull it out." The fairy does this and the Evil Gnome says: "OK, #2: Now pull the nail out again.

*ka-ching!*

Ombert the Halfling is visited by the Fairy who says: "I fulfill your every wish, but know that your hated mother-in-law will get twice as much as everything you get." Ombert thinks a little and answers: "I want a Million Gold Pieces, and a real big mansion. Oh, and then, you beat me half dead."

*ka-ching!*

The Rabbit and the Bear walk throuch the EF when the Fairy appears before them: "You two got three wishes each:"
Bear: "Hm... I'm kinda lonely, with so few bears here in the forest, so my first wish is that you make all other bears in this forest Female:"
Rabbit: "I want to be the best rider on this world"
Bear: "Come to think of it, the forest isn't all that big, and even will all bears female I'm soon through with the lot of them. So my second wish is: Make all other bears in the realm female!"
Rabbit: "Gimme the fastest horse there is:"
Bear: "I just realized something: I can wish for pretty much anything I want, why think small? I want every bear in existance, except me, to be female!"
"And your third wish, Rabbit?"
The Rabbit jumps on his horse, says "I want the Bear to be gay" and rides away.

*ka-ching!*

 

[Piratecat]

Buddha walks up to a hot dog vendor and says, "Make me one with everything."

He handed the hot dog vendor a $10, and the guy pockets it and begins wheeling his cart away. "Hey, wait a minute!" protests Buddha. "What about my change?"

The vendor replies, "True change comes from within."

* * *

I'm sure you're all familiar with Ghandi. He was certainly a holy man, but not everyone is aware that his feet were incredibly hardened by walking all over India. In addition, his hunger strikes tended to badly weaken his constitution, and resulted in life-long bad breath.

Yes folks, it's true; he was a super-calloused fragile mystic plagued by halitosis.

Buh dum ching!

 

[MerakSpielman]

WHO SAYS REDNECKS AREN'T REAL BRIGHT?

"Hello, is this the FBI?"

"Yes. What do you want?"

"I'm calling to report about my neighbor Billy Bob Smith! He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood."

"Thank you very much for the call, sir."

The next day, the FBI agents descend on Billy Bob's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana.They swear at Billy Bob and leave..

The phone rings at Billy Bob's house.

"Hey, Billy Bob! Did the FBI come?"

"Yeah!"

"Did they chop your firewood?"

"Yup."

"Happy Birthday, Buddy!"

*ba-dum-CHING!*

 

[MerakSpielman]

Three guys die and go to heaven.
St. Peter shows up at the Pearly Gates and says, "Welcome to heaven boys! Come on in and make yourselves at home, just be sure not to step on any of the ducks."

Sure enough there are ducks all over heaven. The first guy only makes it a day before he steps on a duck. St. peter shows up right away with the ugliest woman any of the three men have ever seen and chains her to the poor guy. "This is your punishment for stepping on one of god's ducks!" Peter tells him, "You spend eternity chained to this woman."

The next guy makes it a week before he screws up and steps on a duck too. The same thing happens to him.

The third guy is really freaked by this so he is extra careful around the ducks. A month goes by with no mishaps when suddenly Peter shows up with the most beautiful woman the guy has ever seen and chains her to him. The guy is amazed. He says to the woman, "I wish I knew what I did to deserve this!" and she says, "Yeah, me too. All i did was step on a damn duck!"

*ba-dum-CHING!*

 

[Kae'Yoss]

Well, let me have another go. So there's that restaurant where they make sandwiches with every kind of meat there is on earth. Someone walks in and says "Make me an ostrich sandwich, but hurry up"

Damn. Messed up again.

 

[MerakSpielman]

Anagrams
Rearranging the words/phrases with no letters left over!

Dormitory: Dirty Room

Desperation: A Rope Ends It

The Morse Code : Here Come Dots

Slot Machines : Cash Lost in 'em

Animosity : Is No Amity

Mother-in-law : Woman Hitler

Snooze Alarms : Alas! No More Z's

A Decimal Point : I'm a Dot in Place

Eleven plus two : Twelve plus one


And maybe not appropriate (highlight to read):
> PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA : TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS

 

[MerakSpielman]

Sheesh, almost 2 hours and nobody's posted anything new? How about this:

A big-city lawyer, from Washington, D.C., went duck hunting in the South Carolina Low country. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell in to a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going in to retrieve it." The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and you are not coming over here." The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the US and if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in South Carolina. Down here we settle small disagreements like this with the Three-Kick Rule."

The lawyer asked, "A Three Kick Rule. What is the Three-Kick Rule?" The Farmer replied, "Well, first I kick you three times, and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man's nose off his face. The attorney was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to the kidney area nearly caused him to give up.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will, managed to get to his feet, and said, "Okay, you old coot, now it's my turn."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."

 

[Bjorn Doneerson]

This holy man goes to the dentist to have a tooth pulled. The Dentists goes to inject the novocaine, but the holy man stops. When the dentist asks why this is, the holy man responds "I am trying to transcend dental medication."

ching-dum-buh..err...reverse that

This vulture is getting onto a plane with dead weasels. The stewardess stops him and says "Sorry, sir, only one Carrion per passenger"

buh-dum-ching

As soon as the lake thaws after the winter, Ephus, Cletus, and Lem, decide to go fishing. All of a sudden, Lem falls overboard, and sinks to the bottom. Knowing Lem can't swim a stroke, Ephus dives in afterward and pulls him up. Lem isn't breathing, so Ephus gives him mouth to mouth. Ephus says to Cletus "You know, I don't remember Lem's breath being this bad." Cletus responds funny I don't remember him wearing a snowmobile suit either.

(This joke is actually modified from a skit from a radio station.)