D&D 5E Quiet players and social anxiety

[JWO]

[MENTION=6794198]spinozajack[/MENTION] wrote a long post about players who don't really contribute to the social side of D&D in this thread. I started to write a reply and then I realised that this would start to derail the original thread so I thought I'd move it here. Hope you don't think I'm calling you out or singling you out as I do understand where you're coming from:

This thread brings up another type of problem player : the one who just sits there and doesn't say anything. God, I can't stand those either. It's like, are you even having fun here? Over the years with these types of players, I see them gravitate towards CRPGs or MMOs or other places where they don't have to use their natural voice to contribute. There is always the desire to be around people, but sometimes you do have to step up and say something. If anything, that's part of what makes D&D great and important as a tool, for people to learn to get out of their shells. I wouldn't say like it like "you gotta be the party face all the time because you have high CHA score!!" But even with a low CHA score, or a middling one, each person at the table has to contribute something, and that something has to be more than just dealing damage to keep their spot at the table.

They have to add value to the experience. A damage bot or a healbot does not do that, for me. I had one friend, ironically, who was also playing a warlock who never said much (either in character or out), and when he finally left the game we barely noticed his departure, despite trying to get him engaged.

I think he's much happier playing Wow, to be honest. Aside from him being quiet, we never had a single issue with either his "roll playing" or him as a person at the table. It's just D&D is so much more than that, and I'd rather a table of 4 engaged players than 6, with one disruptive guy who shows up half the time, and another guy who doesn't say anything. Actually, in general, sometimes it's best to just end a campaign if the party vibe isn't working. And maybe start over with new people. People are interesting, give them a chance you might be surprised.

Read more: http://www.enworld.org/forum/showth...ayer-and-a-major-blow-up/page25#ixzz3dsQZ66pO
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I sort of agree with you and I totally understand your frustrations (as someone who's dealt with this on both sides of the DM screen). However, it's also worth considering that so many of us who are attracted to this hobby have serious social anxiety issues and there's only so much that can be done to mitigate the effects of these.

I definitely have difficulties speaking up when I roleplay, especially if I'm a player, rather than a DM, but I'm also not so bad that I can't force myself to contribute to the social side of the game (even if it sets my heart racing sometimes). There are some people who just can't bring themselves to join in with that part of the game but I wouldn't want to exclude them based on that. There are also things that a DM (or even another player) can do to help people like that* if it's really bothering them.

Passive D&D players still get so much more out of the game than they would from a CRPG or an MMORPG, even just from sitting there and soaking up the atmosphere and watching the story unfold. So for the most part I think they generally are having fun, even if they're not being very chatty. At least that's how I feel when I'm having a more introverted day.

*Having NPCs engage my character in conversation directly, or the DM asking me what my character is doing, would help me as then I know that it's 'my turn' to say/do something, so I wouldn't have to worry about being spoken over. I don't mean 'my turn' in terms of initiative order or anything as gamey as that, it should be done organically or not at all.

Another thing that works for me is making sure we're playing in a relatively quiet location. I'm shy enough when I'm using my normal voice; if I have to raise my voice to be heard, I'll be less likely to contribute to the game.

 

[DaveDash]

We have a player who doesn't say much and it doesn't bother anyone. He doesn't really like roleplaying and enjoys combat more. Nothing wrong with that. When he does chime in it's usually good stuff.

There's only so many people who can really do the talking anyway, too many people yabbering away and things start to get incoherent.

I don't really agree with the assessment that quiet players are problem players at all.

 

[JWO]

It's worth noting that what works for me might not work for everyone else. I can imagine that for some people, being engaged with directly might make them feel like they're being put on the spot and make things more difficult for them.

Does anyone else have any ways of helping out quieter players?

 

[DaveDash]

It's worth noting that what works for me might not work for everyone else. I can imagine that for some people, being engaged with directly might make them feel like they're being put on the spot and make things more difficult for them.

Does anyone else have any ways of helping out quieter players?

By leaving them alone and not forcing them.

If they're enjoying themselves they'll speak up. It's meant to be a relaxing event, not a job interview.

As an introvert (not someone who is shy - there is a difference) I challenge the notion that being engaged = talking.

 

[Jeff Albertson]

I prefer the quiet players to the obnoxious scene-hogs that contest every point of damage their character takes.

 

[JWO]

By leaving them alone and not forcing them.

If they're enjoying themselves they'll speak up. It's meant to be a relaxing event, not a job interview.

As an introvert (not someone who is shy - there is a difference) I challenge the notion that being engaged = talking.

I totally agree with you, but I'm sure there are also a lot of people like me out there who love to roleplay their characters but who are holding back out of shyness. For me, being spoken to directly helps, being in a quiet room helps, not playing with overly dominant players helps.

I wouldn't want to force anyone to join in, but I'd like to help coax shy people to join in if they want to.

I guess simple things like having NPCs greeting and speaking with each player equally.

If it turns out that certain people just outright don't want to speak at all, I'd let them carry on. No point making a gaming session into a chore!

 

[Celtavian]

For the most part I leave quiet players alone, but every once in a while I focus the game on them. Imagine someone sitting quietly, maybe barely paying attention, suddenly the spotlight is on them and they must make decisions and talk. I ease them into it with questions or an aggressive NPC. Then I let their natural reactions take over. I usually get some good roleplaying and let the quiet player have a little fun showing off his personality.

Quiet players I don't mind. Disengaged players annoy the living crap out of me. The guy that is surfing the web on his phone or playing a computer game or surfing the internet while everyone else is engaged in the game, those are the guys that piss me off as a player or DM. Don't even want to game with them. Don't want them at the table. Don't know why they are there. Everyone's time is wasted by such people. I don't care if a guy enjoys mostly combat as long as he is engaged, knows why the combat is occurring, and is preparing his action while the others are doing theirs, not spaced out doing something else.

 

[wedgeski]

I struggle to empathize with the poster you quoted.

I assume he must have players lining up around the block for a seat at his table, if he can afford to dump friends from the game for being too quiet, so on the bright side he should never have to suffer such awful people for long.

 

[Minigiant]

I usually test shy or introverted players by messing with their PCs. Killing mounts, kidnapping siblings, adding rivals. If they don't engage, I leave them be. If they're having fun, that's all that matters. I'll ramp up the part of the game they like.

 

[ExploderWizard]

Quiet players I don't mind. Disengaged players annoying the living crap out of me. The guy that is surfing the web on his phone or playing a computer game or surfing the internet while everyone else is engaged in the game, those are the guys that piss me off as a player or DM. Don't even want to game with them. Don't want them at the table. Don't know why they are there. Everyone's time is wasted by such people. I don't care if a guy enjoys mostly combat as long as he is engaged, knows why the combat is occurring, and is preparing his action while the others are doing theirs, not spaced out doing something else.

AMEN!! Being quiet and perhaps a bit shy is OK if the player is still engaged and having fun. Zoning out and doing other stuff at the table is whole different animal. I have no problem dropping those players.