Judgment of Match 2-3: NiTessine vs. BardStephenFox.
Maldur:
Again both stories not fantasy. Is this a trend? And both stories feature some sort of law enforcement, while the pictures don't feature any of that.
My vote will go to BardStephenFox, the richness of his story amazes me. Have you used this world before?
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Arwink:
NiTessine – From the Other Side
Some elements of NiTessine’s opening I liked – the contrast of having a group who is chosen for their competence rather than their brilliance sets up an interesting dynamic from the beginning. Other things didn’t appeal to quite as much – the character by character listing seems a bit flat and leads us away from what was interesting about the very opening – why the merely competent are suddenly important enough to earn a story.
While the story has some interesting moments in it from there on in, it doesn’t ever really take off as a narrative. In many respects it feels like a fragment of a story – a single action sequence that is leading us into something else. NiTessine gets points for the action and the undead monkeys (I’m a sucker for an undead monkey), but I couldn’t help wishing that the story was actually leading me somewhere or the characters would become a little more well rounded.
It feels more like a write up of a gaming session than a story – not necessarily a bad thing, but I’m slightly more forgiving of loose narratives in a storyhour than I am in a short story. As a story, though, it leaves me slightly lost.
BardStephenFox – Rojo
BardStephenFox gives us a nice, stylish opening that leads into a very stylized story. We get some strong character motivation, an engaging world, and a series of mysterious problems that keep things from being easily resolved.
My only complaint is that it seems to finish a little abruptly, almost as though the story ran out of time. I’d like to see this one fleshed out a bit more, maybe given the length to run slightly longer than the competition allows, and sees where it can go. (I also have this niggling feeling that this world was based on game system, but I can’t recall which one).
Judgment
The round goes to BardStephenFox, whose story gets the edge due to its cohesive narrative. NiTessine has some fine moments, but ultimately the lack of empathy for the characters and the lack of motivation undercut my appreciation for the action (although if it were ever a storyhour of a campaign, I’d be on it like a shot).
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Piratecat:
NiTessine starts off well, with an opening paragraph that grabs you. He loses momentum with the four character descriptions, though; I would have preferred to introduce the characters as we go, slipping these descriptions into the text elsewhere, especially because distinguishing them never becomes especially important as the story continues. They don't get the chance to really distinguish themselves through dialogue, and that's a shame. I loooove snappy dialogue.
The use of Sialia's "secrets" painting was nice because it helps launch the plot; I would have liked it to play a longer role, though. The blue jar was pretty much a throwaway picture. Likewise for the apes; why undead apes? If these had been thematically tied into the villain more tightly, the photo usage would have been stronger. On the other hand, the sorcerer-in-a-bubble was a very innovative use of the photo. I wish I could say the same for the chili peppers, but trying to get that photo used strained credibility. Overall, photo usage isn't as strong as it had been in NiTessine's last story.
This story reads throughout much more like a game than anything else. There are some great visuals, but there's no time for character development, no unveiled revelation as to who is attacking and why, and no development of the concept of bound spirits. I think the story would be stronger if some of these disparate themes were brought together, explaining who the sorcerer was and why he was hanging out in a chaos demon/boat and summoning undead monkeys. I'd love to play in a game that ran like this, but it makes for an uneven story.
- o -
As in his previous story, BardStephenFox uses technology to help define the world. He starts off doing a good job of showing without telling, and the protagonist's running monologue allows BSF a handy literary technique for filling us in on what's going on while his character tries to deduct. He almost lapses into over-explanation in the third paragraph, but manages to keep it relatively balanced. Throughout the story, there's nice use of foreshadowing and reasonable logic trails, and that's always nice to read.
Unfortunately, this story reads as unfinished. There was no climax and no real conclusion; it stops at an odd spot, and I'm guessing that BSF ran out of time. That significantly weakens the story. In addition, the momentum begins to drag in the middle. We slip into "tell" instead of "show," and the plot begins to focus on details that might be better off glossed over in the interest of reaching a stronger final scene.
And for the photos? The hot spring monkeys work very nicely as creepy aliens. The plastic ball/energy shield is a nice image that isn't really resolved by the story taking place around it. The examination of the blue bowl nicely advances the plot, and so is worthy of illustration. Not so with the chili peppers; relevant drug or not, the illustration of the flashback seems somewhat forced, and likewise Sialia's painting is entirely a throwaway reference.
This is a story that needs tuning and editing. It's fundamentally quite strong and takes place in a fascinating world, but the pacing needs some adjustment. This aside, it's worth mentioning that it's nice reading about a strong, smart heroine.
- o -
My judgment is for BardStephenFox. Regardless of how I feel about the ending, the richness of the world and the rigorous nature of the investigation made the story a delight to read.
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FINAL JUDGMENT: 3 out of 3 for BardStephenFox, who will go on to the third round.
Just something about Piratecat's pictures, I guess. They're cursed!
