THE BIG "D"---i never thought it would be me:(

[spidertrag]

Well, just a few minutes ago, my wife informs me of her unhappiness & basically wants a divorce---I know her mom will be dance of joy. I suggested a marriage counseler, but she doesnt think that would help. Seven years down the drain. Its convienent that her mom is picking up our daughter for my daughter's yearly visit with her 'Nano'. During the 5 weeks my daughter (who is 5) is away, we are suppose to get the following done; get my car fixed, get bills updated, find new living arrangements, my wife getting a paying job for the first time in 6 years, etc....I also know that i'll have to get my direct deposit changed since it goes to an account that has only my wife's & her mother's name on it .

I'm not to surprised in a way. There's been obvious tension between us for a while---I would come home from work & most of the time she would be going out the door to go work for the evangelical church she is a minister/armour bearer of. Her best friend is the leader/prophetess of this church & they spend alot of time together----hell just a few weeks ago, when her friend & her husband were to travel to colorado for some speaking thing & the church didnt raise the money, my wife gave them the money---without telling me---but, when i asked for some running money, i get snapped at & told that it had to be spent on bills & we didnt have enough for 'extras'---(man, i cant think of the last time i bought a game book :\ ). My intuition from the day so many years ago when i met her friends was that they are users---i still believe that---& there have definately been times when my family has done without so that they could have.

I do love my wife---& I want her to be happy, even if it is without me---i've always known that i would die old & alone

So, with all that dancing around in me head let me see if i can list some pros & cons:
Cons (that come to mind---more to come no doubt )
1)Depression---this is already 'in the works'---especially since i wont get to see my youngun grow up everyday
2)Well, after i get my car fixed, i'll probably have to move in w/my mom until i can find a place of my own & have to travel almost 100 miles/day to commute to work.
3)Probably get screwed when it comes to child support/alimony.

Pros (this list is in flux no doubt )
1)Wont be told I'm going to Hell because I play D&D.
2)Will be able to join a game group if i can find one.
3)Will be able to buy stuff! (I hope ) I will make sure my daughter is taken care of, but I hope i can get away from having to give to much to the ex
4)Wont have to deal with my ex's user friends (yippie! )
5)Can finally get some pet scorpions! When I have the money
6)Will finally loose some weight as depression sets in & my diet becomes a mix of caffeine, nicotiene, & Alanis Morriset.

Obviously all i've posted is colored by my perception----i am, after all the one that has made my wife unhappy

 

[Tarrasque Wrangler]

Obviously all i've posted is colored by my perception----i am, after all the one that has made my wife unhappy

I hope that's a joke. It sounds like your wife has done more to make herself (and you) unhappy than anyone else.

i've always known that i would die old & alone

Hey now. Don't take that attitude. You've already proven you can be a loving, responsible husband and that's more than a lot of guys out there can say. And if nothing else, you've now got a great sob story to tell girls at the bar

Just be real good to your daughter; remember that as tough as this is on you, it's only about a million times harder for your kid. And remember that it is your second job now, as distasteful as it sounds, to make nice-nice with her mother. Nothing screws a kid up more than acrimonious parents. My parents broke up when I was very young and I was fortunate enough that they didn't hate each and could not only be very civil but downright pleasant to each other.

Love her or not, you are getting out of a sucky relationship and it's going to make you a better person for it. Just make sure there's no spillover onto your daughter.

6)Will finally loose some weight as depression sets in & my diet becomes a mix of caffeine, nicotiene, & Alanis Morriset.

Now that's gotta be a joke. You lose weight when you're depressed? What the hell am I taking all these Prozacs for ?

 

[LightPhoenix]

I know it's not going to mean much now, but try and keep in mind that the last seven years were hardly wasted. The only waste would be if you kept going on with something that wasn't really working, love or no love involved. You have a daughter that you seem to love very much, and that's definitely not a waste. I'm sure that she loves you too, and you'll still be a part of her life. You'll be able to explore some aspects of your personality that seem to have taken a backseat to your marriage, which is a very good thing - you should never sacrifice who you are for someone else, only compromise. Finally, the next time you meet someone, and there will be a next time, however much you don't believe it, you'll know a little better what to look for so you'll be happy.

On the more ego-boosting side, you sound like a really nice guy, and a responsible father and husband. Your wife on the other hand sounds a little too zealous and overbearing, and generally making you unhappy.

I wouldn't worry about child-support or visitation rights or anything that much - at least from what you've told us, though IANAL, it sounds you're not anywhere in the wrong. I would seek out a lawyer now though, and go over things so you'll be prepared.

 

[BOZ]

sounds like you have a pretty messy relationship (far from the worst i've heard though). nothing that can't be fixed or at least patched, but not if she's not interested.

it's very telling that you listed twice as many pros as cons for being divorced.

 

[Abstraction]

i've always known that i would die old & alone

Hey, there's still hope that you can die young and alone. Just kidding, really!

How about getting custody of your daughter? There's nothing wrong with the father getting custody these days, and it sounds like you could actually support your daughter where your wife cannot. Then hit her up for alimony. Or don't, and avoid bad feelings.

 

[WayneLigon]

...Her best friend is the leader/prophetess of this church & they spend alot of time together----hell just a few weeks ago, when her friend & her husband were to travel to colorado for some speaking thing & the church didnt raise the money, my wife gave them the money---without telling me....

Wont be told I'm going to Hell because I play D&D....

I'd still suggest counselling, and a counsellor that is not involved in whatever kind of church has a 'prophetess' in it. Sound like there was indeed some tension there to begin with, but with that last statement I quoted, I wonder... is that your wife saying that, or her mother? Or her mother through your wife? Sound like the mother is a source of stress between y'all?

I don't know the people involved or the situations, but the insistance on speed is.. kinda disturbing to me in a way I can't really explain. It sounds like this is a 'we've grown apart, no contest' type of thing, in which case the insistance on speed is a little strange, at least to me. It sounds like she's been thinking about this for awhile and has already drafted a plan. Or had one drafted for her.

Since there is a child involved, one thing you might want to make clear. Um, not really sure how to say this, but it kinda sounds like your wife is getting pretty deep into a charismatic, um, cult. If you've not been to this church and don't know what goes on there, I'd find out damn quick if I were you. I'm just saying, is all. Could be and probably is all perfectly normal and they're nice people. That have prophetesses.

You are obviously distraught and overcome right now. Hopefully things will seem a bit more... organized in the morning.

Two words: professional counselling.

 

[Teflon Billy]

This is a gross oversimplification, but take it for what it's worth...

My divorce (at the 7 year point in my marriage) was the best thing that could've happened to me.

My second marriage is incredible

Use the first one a s a learning experience and move on. You will be a lot better at this next time around.

 

[frankthedm]

I also know that i'll have to get my direct deposit changed since it goes to an account that has only my wife's & her mother's name on it ......................

Her best friend is the leader/prophetess of this church & they spend alot of time together----hell just a few weeks ago, when her friend & her husband were to travel to colorado for some speaking thing & the church didnt raise the money, my wife gave them the money---without telling me---but, when i asked for some running money, i get snapped at & told that it had to be spent on bills & we didnt have enough for 'extras'---(man, i cant think of the last time i bought a game book :\ )..............

I do love my wife---& I want her to be happy, even if it is without me---i've always known that i would die old & alone.................

Get a lawyer NOW. Demand the child be returnd or file kidnapping charges.They have been ripping you off and been planning for this. They are trying to use guilt to get to fold to thier goals.

Direct depositing to an account without your name on it is unforgivable mistake. Get your paystubs and the records that show what account the money went to. i am unsure if this will help, but you need to do this.

 

[The_lurkeR]

Get a lawyer NOW. Demand the child be returnd or file kidnapping charges.They have been ripping you off and been planning for this. They are trying to use guilt to get to fold to thier goals.

Direct depositing to an account without your name on it is unforgivable mistake. Get your paystubs and the records that show what account the money went to. i am unsure if this will help, but you need to do this.

^
Ditto...
I'd have to agree with Frank on this one... they've obviously planned this all prior to notifying you and are trying to dictate the terms. Put the brakes on, get a lawyer and determine your goals before proceeding.

 

[Sejs]

How about getting custody of your daughter? There's nothing wrong with the father getting custody these days, and it sounds like you could actually support your daughter where your wife cannot. Then hit her up for alimony. Or don't, and avoid bad feelings.

If you've held a steady job for the last 6 years and your wife hasn't worked a day in all that time, chances are good that if you wanted custody of your daughter, you would be awarded it. Kids get to live with the parent who can provide the most stable and loving environment for them. Not working a paying job for half a decade and giving away money that's supposed to be for the family to a religeous group time and again do not spell out "able to provide etc, etc" in the eyes of most family law practitioners.

If you end up with your daughter, you'd still pay Spousal Support because that's based on relative income, but your wife would be the one paying Child Support to you.

Get a lawyer NOW. Demand the child be returnd or file kidnapping charges.They have been ripping you off and been planning for this. They are trying to use guilt to get to fold to thier goals.

Direct depositing to an account without your name on it is unforgivable mistake. Get your paystubs and the records that show what account the money went to. i am unsure if this will help, but you need to do this.

Frank offers some good advice, some very bad. To break it down:

"Get a lawyer NOW..."
-This is good advice. You want to consult with a family lawyer so you know just what's going on and what to expect. Do not play it by ear or you could get burned.

"...Demand the child be returned or file kidnapping charges."
-This is Grade A capital 'b' BAD advice. Do not, I repeat not threaten the other side at all. Consult with a lawyer on what should be done regarding custody of your daughter, but do not do anything so stupid as threaten the other side or file kidnapping charges. The only thing it would serve to do would be to damage your character. You need to remain as calm as you possibly can and think with your head and not your heart. You need to look at the things you do like a judge will when he's reviewing your case. Take a step back from your situations and play it smart, not passionate.


The thing about the paystubs is solid advice, too. Make sure you can account for how your money was handled, where it went, when it went there, and in what ammounts. Unless you plan on just letting it all go, you'll want to have yourself covered as far as financial documentation is concerned. Again, talk to a lawyer. They'll be able to help.