Altalazar
First Post
Kamakawiwo Character Background
E komo mai hale, fellow islanders! Welcome to my home! Let me tell you a tale of wonder! For my name is Kamakawiwo, and my tongue can not lie. Don’t let my size fool you, I’m as gentle as an evening breeze.
I grew up here, in the islands, in our great nation of Pae ‘Aina. My island, Luihi, may be small, but my smile is large, as is my girth, as my mother always kept me well fed on the bounties that the sea has provided us. My size is a blessing, she told me, for it allows others to see just how wonderful I am from quite a distance across the water. I was always sad to watch my father leave for the sea, to fish, because I could never go with him. Whenever I stepped on his raft, my great weight would first tip it, then sink it. The sea life was not for me. But my mother never let it get me down. She always fed me, and kept a smile on my face. She called me her ikaika keiki, her strong child.
I stayed on the shore and watched the boats all depart at dawn and return at dusk. I’d carve tikis, great and small, for me to use. I’d carve great staffs to help support my girth when I went for my many walks upon our rock-ash shores. And when the boats returned at night, I would help bring in the fish, pulling in whole loads by myself, dragging whole rafts, laden with fish, onto the shore. The smaller children would play with me, dangling from my massive arms, seeing who could reach around and touch their fingertips around my massive legs. Most could not.
Before I was there, they would tell me, bullies would rule the docks, pushing and shoving and spreading meanness instead of smiles to all of the children. But not with me. No one shoved me. No one could. And so all we children lived in harmony, on the docks. Everyone was happy and life was good. No one bullied anyone else because they knew I would come and swing my great tiki club to knock some kindness back into their silly bones.
Life was good. I was happy. But life on the docks was not for me, either. One day, the fishing boats went out from our small village at dawn and when the sun returned to the water, no boats came back. I paced up and down those docks, sick with worry, my massive footsteps shaking the docks with every movement, until finally they could take no more and half of the docks collapsed into the sea. All I could do was sit down on the shore and wait, always facing makai, toward the ocean. Some day. Some day those boats will come back. I know they will. And life will be happy again. Life will be good. Life on the islands, as it should be. No more bullies.
Book I
Kamakawiwo – Chapter One – Dressed up, somewhere to go
There are only so many sunsets I can watch on the water before I must stand up and do something to find my father. As I watched one more lovely sunset melt into the waves, I heard news whispered by my aunt from afar. There was a wedding celebration in Kalo, mauka (inland), upriver. Celebrating life. Life can still be good. I told my mother I would go and not to worry about me. I donned my big suit of coral I wore to keep off the bullies, picked up my large tiki stick and trusty tiki-carving knife, and began the long walk up alongside the river. I kept my eyes open for the larger craft that would support my massive weight without sinking, but did not find one for several days. I also kept my eyes open for bullies. They can be found everywhere, for I have only removed them from my docks, not the rest of the island.
As night fell, after several days walk, I found the celebration at Kalo, where the Keahua and Kealia rivers met and parted ways. The smell of the feast greeted me, great bonfires, roasted pig, and juicy mangos, as did smiling revelers, and I grinned back, ear to ear, in celebration.
I could not believe the bounty of food I saw that day. My mother fed me well on the offerings of the sea, but never had she given me so many foods at once. Such a hoolaulea it was!
I saw many places to sit, but I did not sit, because I did not wish to spoil anything as the overly large malihini who destroys furniture and fun. The gracious wahine found me a sturdy log to place my large frame upon and I found myself at a table with four other wonderful malihini, whom I shall now describe.
To my left sat Hiapo Pua, short of stature, like the gnomes who often visited my village. He did not sit for long, standing up to join the hoolaulea with a hooponono mele from his wonderous ukulele. We all stood in awe and wonder, watching his performance. It brought me great joy, joy I have not felt since I saw my father’s fishing boat return from makai.
To my right sat Talar, an elf of the makai, blue in skin, long in breath each step he is further from the soothing deep. The makai elves seldom came out of the depths, but when they did, they were always courteous traders and my mother always treated them with me ke aloha pumehana. Talar must have carved many tikis for himself, for he bore clothing of leather of a stiffness I had never seen and many sharp implements of metal, from axes to very long knives, of the sort I had never seen used by the fishermen.
Across from me sat another elf, blue in tint, yet not fully makai. She seemed more at ease this far mauka. Her name was Kai’lei, and she wore a simple outfit of cloth and carried a tiki like my own, only plain and skinny. I imagined it quickly breaking had I used it for walking. A piece of driftwood tied around her neck completed her dress. She had a simple beauty that reminded me of my days sitting out on the docks at sunset.
Sitting on the end of the table was an older man wearing the rough skins of our native animals as his dress, a small, round block of wood, and a hefty stick with a metal end. His name was Akowa-Ke, and he had a strange manner about him. He did not talk much. I gazed in puzzlement at the many small rolls of paper in his pack that he thumbed when he thought no one was watching him.
The meal was ono, a fantastic delight for the tongue. I ate much, always sure to pass around the bounty for all to share. All of my table-friends seemed half-starved with their skinny frames and I wondered if they were orphaned, for no mother would allow such starvation in her beloved ohana.
As I watched the hoolaulea and listened to the mele, I wished my own wedding to my own kuuipo, whomever she may be, would be half as sweet as the lovely melons gnashing between my teeth. What a lovely aina we live in!
Kamakawiwo – Chapter Two – Hoolaulea pau – the party is done for us
I was enjoying the soft, sweet juices of a poloanga fruit when Hiapo Pua stopped playing his ukulele and looked behind my massive girth. I finished the fruit and then turned my large head, shifting the log underneath me and almost knocking Talar to the ground. I felt horribly. I stopped the log with my thick thigh and stood up to see what stopped Hiapo Pua’s mele. Standing at the edge of the hoolaulea was a man looking very pale and ill-fed. He was two-hundred and fifty pounds skinny if he was a pound. He also looked exhausted. He asked us for kokua. I immediately grabbed some food for him.
He gave us a terrible tale of small bullies descending upon his farm in the mountains and taking all of the farmers hostage. I immediately jumped to my feet, sending the ground shaking, and shouted that we must stop these bullies. I grabbed a net from Kai’lei and began to fill it with food to take to those unfortunates the man described. They only let me take a small amount, thirty pounds or so, so I earnestly hoped it was enough.
My table-companions all agreed to go with me, Akowa-Ke with some prodding. He suggested that it could wait until tomorrow. But I know that bullies must always be dealt with swiftly, lest they spread further the error of their ways. My mother taught me well!
I began walking up the mountain, my massive girth swaying back and forth with every step, leaving large tracks in my wake. Hiapo Pua, the little one, asked for a ride, so I picked him up and carried him on one of my massive forearms as I dragged the food behind me, the net bouncing off the backs of my large, fleshy thighs. He sang for me as we traveled, meles about his island home of wannabaiaduk, a colony of gnomes like himself. It made me smile to hear it, keeping my worries about the starving farmers and the bullies out of my mind for a lovely interlude.
Kamakawiwo – Chapter Three – I make a path and find the bullies, all twenty of them
After our travel across the beautiful countryside, up the mountain, we reached a path we knew would lead to the farm. I had never before been up so high on the island. I could see the edges of the sea off in the distance, the long blue line of the rivers below us. I could see the towering Mona Ulu above us to the west, his firey furnace growing forth the island in plumes of gray smoke and ash. It was stunning and it warmed my big heart to drink in our island’s beauty. The fresh, crisp, moist air filled my lungs with every step as the food bounced off my thighs and as Hiapo Pua bounced on my shoulders, singing his merry meles.
The path grew very narrow, the brush very thick. I went first, my bulk clearing a wide path for the others as my thighs crashed forward, taking us toward the farm. We finally reached the farm’s clearing, a very large opening in the thick vegetation occupied by many huts, large and small, and what appeared to be a crack into the mountain some hundred feet into the clearing, near its center.
I heard someone behind me suggest a quiet approach, to “scout out the monsters,” whatever that may mean, but I knew there were bullies ahead, and bullies do not stop unless you show them the true way to peaceful happiness. I rushed forward, and my table-companions followed behind. I reached the crack in aina, and found it covered like a cage, large doors in the middle, with a gnome dangling over those open doors. Peering down, I saw many thick webs, and sensed danger from nature-bullies my mother called spiders. I quickly swung him back over me, and freed him. Gali was his name, and he was truly grateful. He said something about goblins, goblins all around, but I was smart and I knew he was talking about bullies.
I quickly swung shut half of the door to the webs below, while Kai’lei ran across the cage above the crack to close the door’s other half. As he did, the bullies appeared. They ran from the buildings all around us. Five ran with bows, ten with long knives, five more with long knives or robes and hands dancing with magic. I had never seen so many bullies all at once, all so sharp and mean and unwilling to listen to my gentle persuasion. I hefted my tiki stick and sought to bolster my argument with a few solid swings. Bullies usually did not take long to understand its meaning if they mistook my words.
Arrows went forth, some sticking into my massive bulk as some of my table-companions took cover behind me. They felt sharp, but did not harm me much, as mere pointed sticks never did. I ambled up to the long-knive-bullies and introduced them to my tiki. One swing two swings three swings more. Three fanged bullies fell on the floor. But my swings were too slow to save Akowa-Ke or Kai’lei. Kai’lei made a mist and ran back, only to feel the sting of the long-knives and fall. Akowa-Ke made a rainbow and made the bullies stare in wonder before he, too, fell.
Our small friends send many an arrow at the bullies, but they kept on their bully ways. We were surrounded, Talar and I, with very little hope, but I knew the bullies could not last. Bullies never propser, my mother always told me, and trusting in that, I held my ground and kept my tiki well swung. Two of the bullies made strange symbols and sent forth bully magic against us. One of them pointed at me and said “drop” and I felt my massive bulk fall down to the ground. This was just after I found his other magic bully seemed to have protections out of the air itself, and my first swing at him went wide instead of persuading him as intended.
I quickly rose my bulk back into the air and swung true, this time my massive tiki persuading him despite his bully-magic, and squashing him to a tiny pulp. I quickly turned to his bully-magic friend and chased him down as well, but he ran faster than my bulk would allow pursuit. I tried picking up a bow, but found little understanding in its workings. Then my table-companion Talar shot true, and the last bully-magic bully fell to meet aina. One last bully of the bows turned and ran into the brush. We could not reach him, but I felt good that we had taught him not to bully. I knew he was off to meet his own village, to teach them against the ways of the bully because there is no profit in it.
Kamakawiwo – Chapter Four – We free the farmers, rescue the farmers daughter, kill the farmers crop
I ran to the hut with the bullied and freed them. They were very grateful. They were also grateful that Hiapo Pua and I pulled, with rope and Hiapo Pua’s magic, his daughter from the silk below. We pulled up another farmer from the pit, but he was long gone. We killed two spiders below with arrows to find him, but did not do more, not wanting to damage what we found was their crop of silk.
On the bullies, we found many long knives and cutters, many bows and arrows, and coins. So many coins! Coins of gold! Forty-seven! I had never seen so many coins in my short life! I asked to hold them and feel them in my palm. I had seen a few coppers in my village, heard of silvers, but never gold! It was so pretty, like the sunset, and I wondered now how any could part with such beauty. But then I wondered where the bullies got them. They must have bullied them from someone.
Ohi’a Oahi was very grateful for saving his daughter. He ran the Lanalana farm, and apparently he had many gold coins of his own. He offered us 250 of them for rescuing his daughter. I was unsure about taking it. He seemed well enough, he was certainly well fed, four hundred pounds of flesh on him, about the same as my own, but I had to ask him, “are you sure you can spare so many coins? We do not want to leave your farm poor and your family skinny.” My table-companions looked upon me strangely – perhaps they too were surprised to see him offer so much and were ashamed not to have asked him that question first. But he insisted on giving it to us for his daughter, so we could not refuse.
We gathered the many weapons of the bullies and sold them, I hope, to those who would put them to non-bully uses. I ended up with over one hundred and forty of those gold coins, something I never thought I would see. I was almost ashamed to have so much, but I knew my table-companions held coins of their own, so I felt ok. Perhaps we could stop other bullies with these coins. I had to find a way.
I gave all of the food I brought to the farmers. I know they all must have been very hungry after two days of bullies and no chance to eat as their mothers would have liked.
Hiapo Pua gave another wonderful performance for them all and we stayed several days to enjoy their thanks for our kokua. Hiapo Pua gave a great oration on how it was we all came together while others at the wedding sat and stared and did not come to kokua the farmers. I felt warm listening to it as I shared a large melon with Ohi’a Oahi’s daughter.
One last thing we found was an amulet and a mask on the bullies, both in a magical way. Akowa-Ke wore the mask and said it helped him with his tasks and Kai’lei took the amulet, claiming it helped her with her healing ways. Healing so amazing that the many wounds I suffered from the bullies vanished in a single morning’s prayer to the god of storms. Another stick also was magic, something I did not understand, but was able to help tell Akowa-Ke what the mask and amulet really were.
So many strange things happened to me, this first time I left my village. I wondered where else the island paths would take me. I have much to learn. And I have many places to look to find my father’s fishing boats. Perhaps if I remove all of the bullies from the island, he will feel safe to come home.
Book II
Kamakawiwo – Chapter Five – We return to lovely Kalo and discover another wedding that does not exist
Back down the mountain we strode, enjoying the beauty of the land around us. Such a lovely journey, short and sweet, and full of fond memories of the smiling farmers we saved from the bullies. What a beautiful day that was!
And yet once we returned to the lovely town of Kalo, site of the bountiful wedding, we discovered the beauty of the sun was unable to shine on all in its wake. A bully in town, of the most insidious kind. A bully of the shadows. A bully who strikes in the night. Keleni Kana Hele, half owner of the Cahuna Crown Inn, was found dead in his stables. Curse you, bully! If only someone could have shown this bully the error of his or her ways.
Unfortunately, most of the Constable’s deputies were out of town and there was no one else available to investigate, so she asked us to investigate. Of course, we volunteered immediately, because we cannot allow the bullies to go unmended in their ways.
The Constable laid out the suspects for us – everyone she knew was in the inn’s tavern that night:
Nala Haloa, town blacksmith.
Kauake’e, a seamstress.
Ho’i’o Kalo, owner of the main general provisions store.
Hau Ko and Kelona Ko, a jeweler and his cosmeticist wife.
Mai’a ‘Olena, a beekeeper.
And saddest of all, there was his sister, Lena Kana Hele, half owner of the inn, she had the misfortune to find her brother’s body in the stable. What a sad day. Kamakawiwo offered her his warm smile to chase away the tears. It worked its wonders and she shed nary a one.
My friends spent the next day talking to all of the wonderful town people from the tavern, where I’m sure they learned everything they could about who may have been a bully in the dark. I made sure to scour the streets, looking for the children (keiki) who may be bullied. I know one bully leads to others, and maybe I could have found a bully Keiki who would lead me to the bully-man or woman who did this horrible thing. But I had no luck. When I returned to my friends, I discovered they had had similar luck. Perhaps the Keiki-bullies are hidden as well.
One thing my friends did find was a short bladed sword in the loft above the stables, along with a certificate of marriage and bonding between Keleni Kana Hele and someone named Pale Piliwale. They also discovered that there were only two sets of boots at the scene of the bullying. One was Keleni’s, the other was from someone of lesser size and weight, someone whose mother must not have had enough food for a happy Keiki.
They also discovered the beekeeper had desired to buy land from Keleni and his sister, Lena, but that while Lena desired to sell, Keleni did not. And she had been seen arguing with Lena the night of the bullying. Interesting. Whatever she was up to, it was none of our beeswax – but perhaps it was hers. She sold honey to the tavern for mead.
And finally, someone new was found outside the tavern that night. Ulu Piliwale, the apparent father of the bride. We needed to find him and tell him about his family! I knew he must have been worried!
Kamakawiwo – Chapter Six – Ulu and his vision of beauty
We found Ulu at his home, and discovered he was partly of orcish disposition. I knew that made him different, feared, perhaps hated, in that quiet way bullies fester inside of all too many. He must have been bullied. And if he were bullied, then his daughter must have been bullied even more.
He was shocked to find the certificate. He had no idea his family had both grown and shrunk all in the space of one fateful night. That bully must pay!
His daughter finally came out, and she was a vision of beauty. Part orc, part human, part crippled, but her good, non-bully self shone through. She would never let herself be a victim, but I knew that bullies don’t let that stop them. I made it my mission to protect her and be hers. She was fourteen summers old, three summers less than me, and her father told me she had never had a friend like me. I asked his permission to take her, as would be my honor, for dinner. He agreed. For the three of them. But bullies must be dealt with first, so I asked him if we could meet after we had found the bully in the dark.
Our explorations next led us to the sailors, whom Pale had often written for, her sharp mind put to good use. I wish my mind were as sharp as hers. I smiled broader every time I thought of her. And I felt a deep sympathy for any unfortunate soul who ever bullied her. I carved her a small tiki of her and gave it to her, which she seemed to enjoy.
Kamakawiwo – Chapter Seven – A bump in the night
By evening, we returned to the tavern and brought Keleni’s sister Lena up to date on our investigation. We had narrowed the source of the short sword. Similar blades had been sold to Keleni himself, and to the Constable’s deputies. We began to suspect the Constable, but I could not accept that such a bully hunter could really bully. That is just not the nature of the bully hunter.
We looked for Keleni’s sword behind his bar, but it was not there. We now wondered if the blade we found was his own. We asked Lena to look for it, and then we did, but soon after, it was Lena whom required finding. She was gone.
The evening grew late and Talar grew restless, looking for water to sleep in. He was also hungry. Hiapo Pua offered him some fish. Talar became indignant. “Why do landers always assume we only eat fish” he asked, to Kai’lei. The response was, “how much cheese do you have in the ocean?”
“Whatever I take with me,” Talar replied.
“That would be none,” was Hiapo Pua’s only response.
We found Lena’s room locked, and so I ran to the Constable, my large frame wobbling back and forth with each step of my thick legs, and asked her to open the door so we could search. This she gladly did, with the assistance of a friend of her own. Inside we found another sword, a sword with a short blade that matched that which ended the life of Keleni Kana Hele.
So now, my friends determined that Lena was the bully. Her own ohana! What horrid thoughts would lead her to bully her own brother! I was determined to find out what would make her do such a thing.
My friends asked the Constable for coin for our task, and she replied that she would, though I told her it was unnecessary. Bullies must be stopped. And the only way we can do it is one bully at a time.
Kamakawiwo – Chapter Eight – Goats for all but Kamakawiwo
Morning brought Talar back from the water and goats from the stables for us to ride up the mountain. Talar found Lena’s goat’s tracks out of the village, heading north. He tracked her well, leading us up into the beautiful mountain trails. I drank the beauty as eagerly as my water skins as the rivers of sweat rolled down the fatty folds of my large frame. No goat for me, no goat could handle my mother’s cooking as represented in my disposition.
It was almost dark again when we found six figures ahead. They were orcs. Akowa-ke shouted out to them, “ho, fellow travelers, we’re looking for a woman!”
They demanded tribute. Orcs and half-orcs, now thirty feet away. I asked them how much tribute, to which they replied “30 gold kala tribute.” Bullies, then. I know how to handle bullies. I hefted my tiki trunk and prepared another bully lesson.
Kai’lei held aloft her symbol of her kahuna and suddenly we all felt blessed. The bullies surged forward, nearly knocking Hiapo Pua to the ground. He began to play his wonderful mele, inspiring us all even as he fell toward the soft, sweet ground.
I ran to his side, and with one swing of my tiki, smashed a bully into the ground. The bullies came forward, arrows flew forth from Kai’lei. Akowa-ke read his strange papers. The bullies advanced. They nearly cut Akowa-Ke and Kai’lei to pieces. I smashed two more into the ground. One threatened Talar, and I lumbered forth, swinging my tiki in a strong, wide arc. It smashed own into the half-orc, exploding his body into a shower of bones, blood, and fleshy paste, which struck my eyes. When I wiped his bully flesh from my lids, I could see nothing remained of him but a stain upon the ground. My tiki was clogged with him.
Four smashed bullies from my tiki, one sliced from Talar’s blade and axe, and one remained, sleeping from Akowa-ke’s strange papers. We asked him if he saw a woman, and he did not. My friends wished to send him from this world, but I knew better. I smiled my big smile at him and told him he now had learned the error of his ways, which he had. He had seen that bullying leads only to despair, and now he would return to his people and teach them the folly of the way of the bully. Each such messenger I send forth will bring forth a dozen more blossoms on the island. The orc, my second blossom, after the goblin blossom I had sent forth from the farmer’s vale, went off into the night. The world looked a little brighter. My father would be home before I knew it.
After my smiling reverie, I looked at the splattered bodies on the ground, the bullies vanquished, and longed for my Pale, my Kuuipo. We needed to find the hidden beauty and be pau, so we could return for my dinner with my Kuuipo. Night fell. My smile rose. I could not wait to introduce my father to my Kuuipo.
E komo mai hale, fellow islanders! Welcome to my home! Let me tell you a tale of wonder! For my name is Kamakawiwo, and my tongue can not lie. Don’t let my size fool you, I’m as gentle as an evening breeze.
I grew up here, in the islands, in our great nation of Pae ‘Aina. My island, Luihi, may be small, but my smile is large, as is my girth, as my mother always kept me well fed on the bounties that the sea has provided us. My size is a blessing, she told me, for it allows others to see just how wonderful I am from quite a distance across the water. I was always sad to watch my father leave for the sea, to fish, because I could never go with him. Whenever I stepped on his raft, my great weight would first tip it, then sink it. The sea life was not for me. But my mother never let it get me down. She always fed me, and kept a smile on my face. She called me her ikaika keiki, her strong child.
I stayed on the shore and watched the boats all depart at dawn and return at dusk. I’d carve tikis, great and small, for me to use. I’d carve great staffs to help support my girth when I went for my many walks upon our rock-ash shores. And when the boats returned at night, I would help bring in the fish, pulling in whole loads by myself, dragging whole rafts, laden with fish, onto the shore. The smaller children would play with me, dangling from my massive arms, seeing who could reach around and touch their fingertips around my massive legs. Most could not.
Before I was there, they would tell me, bullies would rule the docks, pushing and shoving and spreading meanness instead of smiles to all of the children. But not with me. No one shoved me. No one could. And so all we children lived in harmony, on the docks. Everyone was happy and life was good. No one bullied anyone else because they knew I would come and swing my great tiki club to knock some kindness back into their silly bones.
Life was good. I was happy. But life on the docks was not for me, either. One day, the fishing boats went out from our small village at dawn and when the sun returned to the water, no boats came back. I paced up and down those docks, sick with worry, my massive footsteps shaking the docks with every movement, until finally they could take no more and half of the docks collapsed into the sea. All I could do was sit down on the shore and wait, always facing makai, toward the ocean. Some day. Some day those boats will come back. I know they will. And life will be happy again. Life will be good. Life on the islands, as it should be. No more bullies.
Book I
Kamakawiwo – Chapter One – Dressed up, somewhere to go
There are only so many sunsets I can watch on the water before I must stand up and do something to find my father. As I watched one more lovely sunset melt into the waves, I heard news whispered by my aunt from afar. There was a wedding celebration in Kalo, mauka (inland), upriver. Celebrating life. Life can still be good. I told my mother I would go and not to worry about me. I donned my big suit of coral I wore to keep off the bullies, picked up my large tiki stick and trusty tiki-carving knife, and began the long walk up alongside the river. I kept my eyes open for the larger craft that would support my massive weight without sinking, but did not find one for several days. I also kept my eyes open for bullies. They can be found everywhere, for I have only removed them from my docks, not the rest of the island.
As night fell, after several days walk, I found the celebration at Kalo, where the Keahua and Kealia rivers met and parted ways. The smell of the feast greeted me, great bonfires, roasted pig, and juicy mangos, as did smiling revelers, and I grinned back, ear to ear, in celebration.
I could not believe the bounty of food I saw that day. My mother fed me well on the offerings of the sea, but never had she given me so many foods at once. Such a hoolaulea it was!
I saw many places to sit, but I did not sit, because I did not wish to spoil anything as the overly large malihini who destroys furniture and fun. The gracious wahine found me a sturdy log to place my large frame upon and I found myself at a table with four other wonderful malihini, whom I shall now describe.
To my left sat Hiapo Pua, short of stature, like the gnomes who often visited my village. He did not sit for long, standing up to join the hoolaulea with a hooponono mele from his wonderous ukulele. We all stood in awe and wonder, watching his performance. It brought me great joy, joy I have not felt since I saw my father’s fishing boat return from makai.
To my right sat Talar, an elf of the makai, blue in skin, long in breath each step he is further from the soothing deep. The makai elves seldom came out of the depths, but when they did, they were always courteous traders and my mother always treated them with me ke aloha pumehana. Talar must have carved many tikis for himself, for he bore clothing of leather of a stiffness I had never seen and many sharp implements of metal, from axes to very long knives, of the sort I had never seen used by the fishermen.
Across from me sat another elf, blue in tint, yet not fully makai. She seemed more at ease this far mauka. Her name was Kai’lei, and she wore a simple outfit of cloth and carried a tiki like my own, only plain and skinny. I imagined it quickly breaking had I used it for walking. A piece of driftwood tied around her neck completed her dress. She had a simple beauty that reminded me of my days sitting out on the docks at sunset.
Sitting on the end of the table was an older man wearing the rough skins of our native animals as his dress, a small, round block of wood, and a hefty stick with a metal end. His name was Akowa-Ke, and he had a strange manner about him. He did not talk much. I gazed in puzzlement at the many small rolls of paper in his pack that he thumbed when he thought no one was watching him.
The meal was ono, a fantastic delight for the tongue. I ate much, always sure to pass around the bounty for all to share. All of my table-friends seemed half-starved with their skinny frames and I wondered if they were orphaned, for no mother would allow such starvation in her beloved ohana.
As I watched the hoolaulea and listened to the mele, I wished my own wedding to my own kuuipo, whomever she may be, would be half as sweet as the lovely melons gnashing between my teeth. What a lovely aina we live in!
Kamakawiwo – Chapter Two – Hoolaulea pau – the party is done for us
I was enjoying the soft, sweet juices of a poloanga fruit when Hiapo Pua stopped playing his ukulele and looked behind my massive girth. I finished the fruit and then turned my large head, shifting the log underneath me and almost knocking Talar to the ground. I felt horribly. I stopped the log with my thick thigh and stood up to see what stopped Hiapo Pua’s mele. Standing at the edge of the hoolaulea was a man looking very pale and ill-fed. He was two-hundred and fifty pounds skinny if he was a pound. He also looked exhausted. He asked us for kokua. I immediately grabbed some food for him.
He gave us a terrible tale of small bullies descending upon his farm in the mountains and taking all of the farmers hostage. I immediately jumped to my feet, sending the ground shaking, and shouted that we must stop these bullies. I grabbed a net from Kai’lei and began to fill it with food to take to those unfortunates the man described. They only let me take a small amount, thirty pounds or so, so I earnestly hoped it was enough.
My table-companions all agreed to go with me, Akowa-Ke with some prodding. He suggested that it could wait until tomorrow. But I know that bullies must always be dealt with swiftly, lest they spread further the error of their ways. My mother taught me well!
I began walking up the mountain, my massive girth swaying back and forth with every step, leaving large tracks in my wake. Hiapo Pua, the little one, asked for a ride, so I picked him up and carried him on one of my massive forearms as I dragged the food behind me, the net bouncing off the backs of my large, fleshy thighs. He sang for me as we traveled, meles about his island home of wannabaiaduk, a colony of gnomes like himself. It made me smile to hear it, keeping my worries about the starving farmers and the bullies out of my mind for a lovely interlude.
Kamakawiwo – Chapter Three – I make a path and find the bullies, all twenty of them
After our travel across the beautiful countryside, up the mountain, we reached a path we knew would lead to the farm. I had never before been up so high on the island. I could see the edges of the sea off in the distance, the long blue line of the rivers below us. I could see the towering Mona Ulu above us to the west, his firey furnace growing forth the island in plumes of gray smoke and ash. It was stunning and it warmed my big heart to drink in our island’s beauty. The fresh, crisp, moist air filled my lungs with every step as the food bounced off my thighs and as Hiapo Pua bounced on my shoulders, singing his merry meles.
The path grew very narrow, the brush very thick. I went first, my bulk clearing a wide path for the others as my thighs crashed forward, taking us toward the farm. We finally reached the farm’s clearing, a very large opening in the thick vegetation occupied by many huts, large and small, and what appeared to be a crack into the mountain some hundred feet into the clearing, near its center.
I heard someone behind me suggest a quiet approach, to “scout out the monsters,” whatever that may mean, but I knew there were bullies ahead, and bullies do not stop unless you show them the true way to peaceful happiness. I rushed forward, and my table-companions followed behind. I reached the crack in aina, and found it covered like a cage, large doors in the middle, with a gnome dangling over those open doors. Peering down, I saw many thick webs, and sensed danger from nature-bullies my mother called spiders. I quickly swung him back over me, and freed him. Gali was his name, and he was truly grateful. He said something about goblins, goblins all around, but I was smart and I knew he was talking about bullies.
I quickly swung shut half of the door to the webs below, while Kai’lei ran across the cage above the crack to close the door’s other half. As he did, the bullies appeared. They ran from the buildings all around us. Five ran with bows, ten with long knives, five more with long knives or robes and hands dancing with magic. I had never seen so many bullies all at once, all so sharp and mean and unwilling to listen to my gentle persuasion. I hefted my tiki stick and sought to bolster my argument with a few solid swings. Bullies usually did not take long to understand its meaning if they mistook my words.
Arrows went forth, some sticking into my massive bulk as some of my table-companions took cover behind me. They felt sharp, but did not harm me much, as mere pointed sticks never did. I ambled up to the long-knive-bullies and introduced them to my tiki. One swing two swings three swings more. Three fanged bullies fell on the floor. But my swings were too slow to save Akowa-Ke or Kai’lei. Kai’lei made a mist and ran back, only to feel the sting of the long-knives and fall. Akowa-Ke made a rainbow and made the bullies stare in wonder before he, too, fell.
Our small friends send many an arrow at the bullies, but they kept on their bully ways. We were surrounded, Talar and I, with very little hope, but I knew the bullies could not last. Bullies never propser, my mother always told me, and trusting in that, I held my ground and kept my tiki well swung. Two of the bullies made strange symbols and sent forth bully magic against us. One of them pointed at me and said “drop” and I felt my massive bulk fall down to the ground. This was just after I found his other magic bully seemed to have protections out of the air itself, and my first swing at him went wide instead of persuading him as intended.
I quickly rose my bulk back into the air and swung true, this time my massive tiki persuading him despite his bully-magic, and squashing him to a tiny pulp. I quickly turned to his bully-magic friend and chased him down as well, but he ran faster than my bulk would allow pursuit. I tried picking up a bow, but found little understanding in its workings. Then my table-companion Talar shot true, and the last bully-magic bully fell to meet aina. One last bully of the bows turned and ran into the brush. We could not reach him, but I felt good that we had taught him not to bully. I knew he was off to meet his own village, to teach them against the ways of the bully because there is no profit in it.
Kamakawiwo – Chapter Four – We free the farmers, rescue the farmers daughter, kill the farmers crop
I ran to the hut with the bullied and freed them. They were very grateful. They were also grateful that Hiapo Pua and I pulled, with rope and Hiapo Pua’s magic, his daughter from the silk below. We pulled up another farmer from the pit, but he was long gone. We killed two spiders below with arrows to find him, but did not do more, not wanting to damage what we found was their crop of silk.
On the bullies, we found many long knives and cutters, many bows and arrows, and coins. So many coins! Coins of gold! Forty-seven! I had never seen so many coins in my short life! I asked to hold them and feel them in my palm. I had seen a few coppers in my village, heard of silvers, but never gold! It was so pretty, like the sunset, and I wondered now how any could part with such beauty. But then I wondered where the bullies got them. They must have bullied them from someone.
Ohi’a Oahi was very grateful for saving his daughter. He ran the Lanalana farm, and apparently he had many gold coins of his own. He offered us 250 of them for rescuing his daughter. I was unsure about taking it. He seemed well enough, he was certainly well fed, four hundred pounds of flesh on him, about the same as my own, but I had to ask him, “are you sure you can spare so many coins? We do not want to leave your farm poor and your family skinny.” My table-companions looked upon me strangely – perhaps they too were surprised to see him offer so much and were ashamed not to have asked him that question first. But he insisted on giving it to us for his daughter, so we could not refuse.
We gathered the many weapons of the bullies and sold them, I hope, to those who would put them to non-bully uses. I ended up with over one hundred and forty of those gold coins, something I never thought I would see. I was almost ashamed to have so much, but I knew my table-companions held coins of their own, so I felt ok. Perhaps we could stop other bullies with these coins. I had to find a way.
I gave all of the food I brought to the farmers. I know they all must have been very hungry after two days of bullies and no chance to eat as their mothers would have liked.
Hiapo Pua gave another wonderful performance for them all and we stayed several days to enjoy their thanks for our kokua. Hiapo Pua gave a great oration on how it was we all came together while others at the wedding sat and stared and did not come to kokua the farmers. I felt warm listening to it as I shared a large melon with Ohi’a Oahi’s daughter.
One last thing we found was an amulet and a mask on the bullies, both in a magical way. Akowa-Ke wore the mask and said it helped him with his tasks and Kai’lei took the amulet, claiming it helped her with her healing ways. Healing so amazing that the many wounds I suffered from the bullies vanished in a single morning’s prayer to the god of storms. Another stick also was magic, something I did not understand, but was able to help tell Akowa-Ke what the mask and amulet really were.
So many strange things happened to me, this first time I left my village. I wondered where else the island paths would take me. I have much to learn. And I have many places to look to find my father’s fishing boats. Perhaps if I remove all of the bullies from the island, he will feel safe to come home.
Book II
Kamakawiwo – Chapter Five – We return to lovely Kalo and discover another wedding that does not exist
Back down the mountain we strode, enjoying the beauty of the land around us. Such a lovely journey, short and sweet, and full of fond memories of the smiling farmers we saved from the bullies. What a beautiful day that was!
And yet once we returned to the lovely town of Kalo, site of the bountiful wedding, we discovered the beauty of the sun was unable to shine on all in its wake. A bully in town, of the most insidious kind. A bully of the shadows. A bully who strikes in the night. Keleni Kana Hele, half owner of the Cahuna Crown Inn, was found dead in his stables. Curse you, bully! If only someone could have shown this bully the error of his or her ways.
Unfortunately, most of the Constable’s deputies were out of town and there was no one else available to investigate, so she asked us to investigate. Of course, we volunteered immediately, because we cannot allow the bullies to go unmended in their ways.
The Constable laid out the suspects for us – everyone she knew was in the inn’s tavern that night:
Nala Haloa, town blacksmith.
Kauake’e, a seamstress.
Ho’i’o Kalo, owner of the main general provisions store.
Hau Ko and Kelona Ko, a jeweler and his cosmeticist wife.
Mai’a ‘Olena, a beekeeper.
And saddest of all, there was his sister, Lena Kana Hele, half owner of the inn, she had the misfortune to find her brother’s body in the stable. What a sad day. Kamakawiwo offered her his warm smile to chase away the tears. It worked its wonders and she shed nary a one.
My friends spent the next day talking to all of the wonderful town people from the tavern, where I’m sure they learned everything they could about who may have been a bully in the dark. I made sure to scour the streets, looking for the children (keiki) who may be bullied. I know one bully leads to others, and maybe I could have found a bully Keiki who would lead me to the bully-man or woman who did this horrible thing. But I had no luck. When I returned to my friends, I discovered they had had similar luck. Perhaps the Keiki-bullies are hidden as well.
One thing my friends did find was a short bladed sword in the loft above the stables, along with a certificate of marriage and bonding between Keleni Kana Hele and someone named Pale Piliwale. They also discovered that there were only two sets of boots at the scene of the bullying. One was Keleni’s, the other was from someone of lesser size and weight, someone whose mother must not have had enough food for a happy Keiki.
They also discovered the beekeeper had desired to buy land from Keleni and his sister, Lena, but that while Lena desired to sell, Keleni did not. And she had been seen arguing with Lena the night of the bullying. Interesting. Whatever she was up to, it was none of our beeswax – but perhaps it was hers. She sold honey to the tavern for mead.
And finally, someone new was found outside the tavern that night. Ulu Piliwale, the apparent father of the bride. We needed to find him and tell him about his family! I knew he must have been worried!
Kamakawiwo – Chapter Six – Ulu and his vision of beauty
We found Ulu at his home, and discovered he was partly of orcish disposition. I knew that made him different, feared, perhaps hated, in that quiet way bullies fester inside of all too many. He must have been bullied. And if he were bullied, then his daughter must have been bullied even more.
He was shocked to find the certificate. He had no idea his family had both grown and shrunk all in the space of one fateful night. That bully must pay!
His daughter finally came out, and she was a vision of beauty. Part orc, part human, part crippled, but her good, non-bully self shone through. She would never let herself be a victim, but I knew that bullies don’t let that stop them. I made it my mission to protect her and be hers. She was fourteen summers old, three summers less than me, and her father told me she had never had a friend like me. I asked his permission to take her, as would be my honor, for dinner. He agreed. For the three of them. But bullies must be dealt with first, so I asked him if we could meet after we had found the bully in the dark.
Our explorations next led us to the sailors, whom Pale had often written for, her sharp mind put to good use. I wish my mind were as sharp as hers. I smiled broader every time I thought of her. And I felt a deep sympathy for any unfortunate soul who ever bullied her. I carved her a small tiki of her and gave it to her, which she seemed to enjoy.
Kamakawiwo – Chapter Seven – A bump in the night
By evening, we returned to the tavern and brought Keleni’s sister Lena up to date on our investigation. We had narrowed the source of the short sword. Similar blades had been sold to Keleni himself, and to the Constable’s deputies. We began to suspect the Constable, but I could not accept that such a bully hunter could really bully. That is just not the nature of the bully hunter.
We looked for Keleni’s sword behind his bar, but it was not there. We now wondered if the blade we found was his own. We asked Lena to look for it, and then we did, but soon after, it was Lena whom required finding. She was gone.
The evening grew late and Talar grew restless, looking for water to sleep in. He was also hungry. Hiapo Pua offered him some fish. Talar became indignant. “Why do landers always assume we only eat fish” he asked, to Kai’lei. The response was, “how much cheese do you have in the ocean?”
“Whatever I take with me,” Talar replied.
“That would be none,” was Hiapo Pua’s only response.
We found Lena’s room locked, and so I ran to the Constable, my large frame wobbling back and forth with each step of my thick legs, and asked her to open the door so we could search. This she gladly did, with the assistance of a friend of her own. Inside we found another sword, a sword with a short blade that matched that which ended the life of Keleni Kana Hele.
So now, my friends determined that Lena was the bully. Her own ohana! What horrid thoughts would lead her to bully her own brother! I was determined to find out what would make her do such a thing.
My friends asked the Constable for coin for our task, and she replied that she would, though I told her it was unnecessary. Bullies must be stopped. And the only way we can do it is one bully at a time.
Kamakawiwo – Chapter Eight – Goats for all but Kamakawiwo
Morning brought Talar back from the water and goats from the stables for us to ride up the mountain. Talar found Lena’s goat’s tracks out of the village, heading north. He tracked her well, leading us up into the beautiful mountain trails. I drank the beauty as eagerly as my water skins as the rivers of sweat rolled down the fatty folds of my large frame. No goat for me, no goat could handle my mother’s cooking as represented in my disposition.
It was almost dark again when we found six figures ahead. They were orcs. Akowa-ke shouted out to them, “ho, fellow travelers, we’re looking for a woman!”
They demanded tribute. Orcs and half-orcs, now thirty feet away. I asked them how much tribute, to which they replied “30 gold kala tribute.” Bullies, then. I know how to handle bullies. I hefted my tiki trunk and prepared another bully lesson.
Kai’lei held aloft her symbol of her kahuna and suddenly we all felt blessed. The bullies surged forward, nearly knocking Hiapo Pua to the ground. He began to play his wonderful mele, inspiring us all even as he fell toward the soft, sweet ground.
I ran to his side, and with one swing of my tiki, smashed a bully into the ground. The bullies came forward, arrows flew forth from Kai’lei. Akowa-ke read his strange papers. The bullies advanced. They nearly cut Akowa-Ke and Kai’lei to pieces. I smashed two more into the ground. One threatened Talar, and I lumbered forth, swinging my tiki in a strong, wide arc. It smashed own into the half-orc, exploding his body into a shower of bones, blood, and fleshy paste, which struck my eyes. When I wiped his bully flesh from my lids, I could see nothing remained of him but a stain upon the ground. My tiki was clogged with him.
Four smashed bullies from my tiki, one sliced from Talar’s blade and axe, and one remained, sleeping from Akowa-ke’s strange papers. We asked him if he saw a woman, and he did not. My friends wished to send him from this world, but I knew better. I smiled my big smile at him and told him he now had learned the error of his ways, which he had. He had seen that bullying leads only to despair, and now he would return to his people and teach them the folly of the way of the bully. Each such messenger I send forth will bring forth a dozen more blossoms on the island. The orc, my second blossom, after the goblin blossom I had sent forth from the farmer’s vale, went off into the night. The world looked a little brighter. My father would be home before I knew it.
After my smiling reverie, I looked at the splattered bodies on the ground, the bullies vanquished, and longed for my Pale, my Kuuipo. We needed to find the hidden beauty and be pau, so we could return for my dinner with my Kuuipo. Night fell. My smile rose. I could not wait to introduce my father to my Kuuipo.
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