The never ending story of ...

[rgoodbb]

and, like cowards, fled into the trees where they met ...

....metamorphosed into wild dogs. They sprinted around in the flankeyest of sprints with their soft pads flumphing lightly across the dunes and toward the boat of note.

Meanwhile back on the boat, Boat of Note gave Skipper an idea. The single one and only anagram of Phase Rider was Ship Reader. he thought. At which point they were assaulted by:

Red Harpies
Parish Deer
Harder Pies
some Hired Pares
a Shire Padre
and a bunch of Pride Hares.

OK. So maybe there were a few more anagrams of Phase Rider. That was sloppy of me. As soon as the assault had come, it had gone again, leaving one of each anagram passive, and on the boat. Skipper bowed his head and trundled (in a way only handcuffed skipper Gnomes can trundle) to the Shire Padre. “Forgive me Fa…..

 

[BoldItalic]

“Forgive me Fa…..

"Don't say it!" interrupted the Padre. "Whenever I hear that dire phrase it send shivers down my spine because I'm about to hear that somone has done something mildly naughty. You have no idea how petty some sins can be. Sneezed twice on a Tuesday, have we?"

"I only wanted to rent a shovel."

"What? Do I look like a spade hirer?

"Sorry," mumbled Skipper.

(Thinking up more anagrams is left as an exercise for our readership.)

It was at about this time that Jelli, Od, Nord, Herewulf and the others arrived on the beach. The moon having risen and flooded the island with a baleful red light, at least everyone could see where they were going and not bump into each other in the dark.

"Well, the ship is still there," remarked Od optimistically. "That boom we heard had me worried."

"I told 'ee that were cannon fire," replied Nord. "Look yonder below the gunnels, the ports be open. She's fired a broadside, I'll be bound."

Jeli's attention was drawn to Xena, a little way down the beach, where the unicorns were gathered around something. "Come see this," called Xena, "It's a clown with a chest full of solid gold!"

"Don't open it!" warned Jeli, "Chests of gold are always trapped!"

"No, not that sort of chest, silly! His own chest, where his ribs are ... were ... eugh."

"What a way to go."

"Poor man. He had a heart of gold."

"Never mind him, where are the other two?"

"Apparently, they ran off into the woods and met a fête worse than death."

"How do you know that?"

"I rolled a natural 20 on an Insight check."

"We'd better get back to the ship," warned Herewulf. "Can someone swin out and ask the gnomes to launch their boat for us?"

"Swim out? Swim out?" scoffed Od, "We can do telepathy, remember?"

"Oh yes, Nord can do a reverse Read Thoughts. Silly me, I was forgetting."

On cue, Nord attempted to communicate with Skipper but to his surprise it didn't work. The skipper's thoughts were muffled by his woolly hat. He tried a different gnome but they were all wearing their woolly hats too. "Argh! They be a-wearing Hats o' Mind Shielding," he complained. "We mun use lights an' signal that a-way."

Soon, a pattern of Dancing Lights was conjured up. Three green lights above a purple cross with red and orange to the left, which of course, as everyone knows, means "Launch the boat and come and pick up your passengers".

They waited. And they waited. And ...

 

[rgoodbb]

They waited. And they waited. And ...

The Gnomes waited as well.

They waited back

The Gnomes returned the favour

A little more waiting still...

"How long should we wait Skipper?"

"I'm not sure First Mate. Do you think they remember the blind part of the fact that we are the order of the Blind and Bound? No probably not. Well this is intolerable. Who here took Mage Hand Semaphore?"

"......"

"...What No-one? On a crew of Mage Hand Sailors?"

"Sorry boss. I took Mage Hand Calligraphy."

"Mage Hand Astronomy over here."

"Mage Hand Pâtisserie"

"Canine Beautician"

"Art Therapy"

"What about you First Mate?"

"Mage Hand Skullduggery."

"What did you take boss?"

"Well that doesn't matter anymore does it."

"No but I'm intrigued."

"It is beside the point First Mate."

"Oh come on Skipper." They all piped in.

"Hmmm....."

They all hushed up"

"Well......"

Even the Shire Padre leaned in closer.

"I........I took......Mage Hand....

 

[BoldItalic]

"I........I took......Mage Hand.... flower arranging.

"?"

"Well, there was this girl I was keen on, see? She acted like she barely knew I existed but I knew she went to flower-arranging classes every Wednesday, so I thought ..."

"Did it work?"

"No, but I got top marks for my spray of roses. I tied the fern leaves with ..."

There was a shuffling of feet and the other gnomes suddenly found urgent jobs they had to do in some other part of the ship.

Meanwhile, on the beach, seeing that nothing was apparently happening and their lights were not being noticed, our adventurers had to think of some other plan. "Looks like someone does have to swim out after all," ventured Herewulf, carefully not looking at Od. "I would go, but this plate armour is not terribly floaty."

"Don't look at me," mumbled Snappy, "I don't do salt water."

"Turn your backs a minute," called Xena, "I'm going to change."

"You need to change your dress, at a time like this?"

"No, silly, I'm going to change into a mermaid. Don't look, it's rude."

"Ooh, let's all go with you!" shrieked the other girls. "Let's all go skinny-dipping in the moonlight!"

After a little more prompting, the three men politely turned their backs. However, with a little adjustment Herewulf found that if he nonchalently held his shield just so and his helmet just so they worked a bit like a mirror and he could peep round and see ...

... the other two mummers quietly creeping down through the trees and back to the beach. They were amused to see that most of their audience were now desporting in the waves, tossing Snappy's football around and generally having a good time instead of swimming out to the ship like they were supposed to. The actor in doublet and hose, the really evil one, cackled an evil cackle as he ...

 

[rgoodbb]

The actor in doublet and hose, the really evil one, cackled an evil cackle as he ...

as he.....Cast Breech Campaign Settings. (It was a 10th level spell). The cackle became more maniacal and louder as he drew forth/fourth the indigenous races and creatures from this particular setting. The sky burst open and erupted in vacuous and voluminous display of lightning clouds of radiant purples and yellows. Black Flames belched forward and a loud, vibrating rending groan deafened as worlds collided.

"Oh dats pretty. Is it Skywrite?" Asked Nord.

"Well I've never seen that cast so I guess it could be. It could also be Faerie Fire." Thought Od

"Naah. It's Dancing Lights." Herewulf claimed with a confidence he didn't feel

"Well I'm sticking with Skywrite. I'm a little narked I didn't take that now, looking at what it can do."

"Ritual as well. No spell slots." Jeli chipped in

"Niiiiiice!"

All four pondered how they could get that spell when they levelled up.


The Gnomes, not seeing what all the fuss was about just heard a massive groaning sound and believed they were about to be rammed by a leviathan of a vessel. "ABANDON SHIP!". As one, they all leapt over the side. The Phase Rider, no longer under capable hands began to drift slowly out to sea. Onboard were a perplexed Parish Deer, a Shire Padre and a Red Harpy.

Several dozen creatures began to fall from the sky.

"Oh now that's impressive."

"Yeah I could watch this all night."

The creatures began to hit the beach and splash into the sea. They were strange and off-putting. They were......

 

[BoldItalic]

They were strange and off-putting. They were...... dressed head-to-toe in shiny white armour like so many white beetles but there were definitely humans inside them. Their helmets completely covered their heads and joined snuggly to their shoulder pieces while a shiny black mask, joined smoothly to their white helmets, covered their faces so that you couldn't see their eyes. It wasn't immediately obvious how they could even breathe but they seemed to be able to. They were holding their arms up across their chests wielding some sort of two-handed weapon but it was like a stick with other sticks joined to it at odd angles. As they marched steadily forward in perfect synchronism, strange music played in the background. It sounded like an Imperial March.

In the midst of the white-clad guard one figure stood out, clearly their leader. He too was totally encased in shiny armour but his was a black as Knight and he had a long black cloak so that you would know that he was the arch-villain. His name was Varth Dader. He marched up to Herewulf and spoke in a strange breathy voice, saying "I am your father!"

Herewulf replied ...

 

[rgoodbb]

Herewulf replied ...

"Don't you just miss the good old days?"

"W..What?....Khooooh......................Khooooh.....................Khooooh"

"I mean you know, cleaning out the tavern cellar of a Giant Rat infestation oooor I don't know, saving a valuable hostage from a band of Goblins. That kind of stuff. Where did that all go? I miss that. Just the basic adventuring. You know?"

"I AM YOUR FATHER."

"No y'not."

"Yeasiam."

"No. Me fatha was a milkman."

"That is what your mother told you. She kept from you your dessssstiny......Khooooh."

FSHHHHHHHH!........vvvvvrm.......vvvvvrm

"Oh will you look at that. A Sunsword. I hear Zarovic is looking for that."

"I guess it wasn't Skywright then?" Nord whispered to Od.

"Sky-W......Luke?"

"Well? I'm Looking."

"Oh. You're Luke King? Oh. Uhm sorry...Khooooh. Wrong dimension."

And with that, the Empire left.




"So not Skywrite then. I wonder if it was Phantasmal Force."

"What about Wall of Force."

"Look. Lose the Force." Demanded Jeli. "We still have a quest."

"Oh y'know what? £$*k the quest."

"What?"

"You know what I really want to do now?" asked the Paladin.

"No. What?"

"Oh. you really don't. That mind thingy has probably worn off then. I want to go back to basics. Adventuring 101. I really just want to.....

 

[BoldItalic]

"I really just want to..... stumble over some dead horses on the Triboar trail, get ambushed by goblins, follow the last surviving goblin to his hideout, fall in a couple of pit traps on the way, and ..."

"You want to reprise the starter set adventure? But we all did that, ages ago."

"I know, but it was fun. I've got Nostalgia."

"Have you tried tincture of cornweed? It's good for complaints of the liver."

"No, I mean I just want to go back to where it all began."

"But we're third level now. It wouldn't be fair on the goblins."

"Maybe they could be orcs instead. Or hobgoblins maybe. With a chieftain."

"Well, alright, if that's what you really want. What do we do about the fifty tons of gold?"

"Let is go. Start again with 2d10 or something. If you've got a million or so each, what's the point?"

"Oh boy, you are in a bad way."

The scene changed. Herewulf, Jeleneth, Od and Nornthew (yes, he got his old name back) were standing together on a forest trail gazing at an abandoned cart and two dead horses with black-feathered arrows sticking out of them.

"Should we search the bushes for the hobgoblins that we don't even suspect are there?" wondered Od, getting his flute out ready to do bardy things.

"No, let's be surprised. It's more fun. And besides, we haven't rolled for initiative yet." countered Jeli. "I'm a Ranger today, by the way, and my favoured enemies are goblins and hobgoblins."

"Do you get a beast companion? You're third level. A skunk might be useful."

"No, I'm a Middle Elf Gestalt, remember? We don't get archetypes. Just class features."

"Oh, no, that's right. I was forgetting. How about you, Herewulf? Anything special we should know about?"

"I don't know if I mentioned this," replied the paladin equipping his shield, "But I took Protection fighting style back at second level, so keep close. Mi scutum es tu scutum."

"Norn? Why have you turned green all over?" wondered Od.

"Mage Armour. You can't be too careful these days."

"Okay, everyone ready? Let's get the show on the road. I climb onto the cart and look around carefully. What do I see?"

Make a Wisdom(Perception) roll, please

*clacketty clack* 12 ?

You see ...

 

[rgoodbb]

You see ...

“Trees.”

“Trees? I just see Trees?”

“Yeah with that roll. It’s a 12. There are a lot of trees.”

“What about the uhm, ambush?”

“What ambush? You don’t know.”

Od looked towards Jeli the Ranger. “Well alright then. Jeli, you know what to do.”

“Uhm, actually I don’t.”

“What? Why?”

“I never did the Starter Set like you guys did.”

“..What…did…you…do?”

“I duuno. Something to do with a Colville?”

“Well, you…”

“Don’t tell me. SPOILERS!”

“Oh OK then. Jeli we have 2 dead horses with arrows in them, no riders and a scroll case on the floor.”

“I already know that, dummy. I’m going to use Mark. Mark?”

“Whoa. Where did he come from?”

“He’s one of my Hunters. He’s going to deliberately spring the ambush and then we ambush the ambushers.”

“What if the ambushers that we are about to ambush spring a counter ambush back at us?”

“Herewulf, I’m not getting into one of those arguments with you. You always get lost before I do and then get all embarrassed and shy.”

“Oh. OK”

“Positions everyone. Positions. Mark. Prepare to spring the ambush. On my Mark.”

“Huh?”

“Sorry. On your Marks.”

“Huh?”

“Dammit. Ready, Stedy…..G”

At that moment, humanoids riding (pink) steeds and wearing children’s goblin masks stormed out of the woods followed by a long lizard with a big grin. They performed a Drive-by attack and exited into the woods whooping and screeching as they did so. As soon as they had appeared, they had gone.

The Party followed, with Jeli Ranging at the front. After falling in a pit (because she wanted no spoilers), they moved on towards Cra…, they moved on pursuing their quarry.


"Ahead of you lies a small clearing in the trees before a large rocky hill at the base of which is a small natural cave from which a brook flows. The water babbles along the rocky outcroppings and skirts the edge of the clearing before disappearing into the forest. The cave is dark and no sources of light can be seen inside from the distance.

How would you like to proceed?"

 

[BoldItalic]

Norn glanced at the others for assent before getting a complex piece of arcane equipment out his backpack. It was like a bronze tube on a folding tripod, which he set up carefully with the tube upright but pointing slightly towards the cave mouth. Then he got out a number of cylinders, about the size and shape of scroll cases, which he laid carefully on the ground beside the tripod.

"What are those?" wondered Od.

"Fireball scrolls." came the pre-occupied reply. Norn took out one one the scrolls and dropped it, still bound with its ribbon, into the bronze tube then stood back and made a somatic movement. There was a whoomph noise and the scroll shot out of the tube, flew in an arc through the air and dropped into a clump of bushes to one side of the stream, whereupon the spell inscribed on the scroll detonated with the appropriate low roar and set fire to the bush and quite a lot of bushes around it.

I lay down a blanket of mortar fire, announced Norn's player, to left and right of the stream.

The smoke from the burning vegetation hung in the air like a pall. A giant badger emerged from of the bushes, glared at them and trundled away grumbling, its fur streaked black and white where it had been scorched as it slept. Moments later, a herd of gazelle bounded out of the smoke and stampeded in a blind panic, kicking over Norn's tripod and trampling the remaining scrolls into the dust.

"What was that?" asked Herewulf, startled. They were only small bushes and there didn't seem room inside it for a herd that size to have been concealed.

Jeli examined their tracks, looked knowing, and announced that a herd of gazelle had passed this way recently and, to judge from the impressions of their hoofprints, they had been in a hurry to escape something.

"Er .." began Od but stopped when Jeli glared at him. He changed the subject. "Herewulf," he asked, can you do Protection from Caves today?"

"Don't think I know that one," admitted the Paladin, "I've only got first and second level slots."

"Oh, well, we'd better go in anyway."

"Why?" demanded Jeli. "A far as I know, the cave is empty. Unless you're thinking of going in there to take a short rest? It's a bit early for dinner."

"We ... er ... we're supposed to? It's where we start the next section of the adventure?"

"Look, if there were monsters in the cave for us to go in and kill, I'd understand. But there are no monster tracks outside the cave mouth. Don't you think there would be, if there was anything living there? Else what do they eat, if they don't come out to hunt?"

"Trust us, we know what we are doing, okay?"

"Alright, but Od goes in front with his ten-foot pole to search for traps."

"Deal."

A short way into the cave, as your eyes adjust to the gloom, you find ...