The never ending story of ...

[BoldItalic]

The journey back to the tower was uneventful and they evaded the Wrongwraiths by the simple ruse of keeping right. As they marched along, with Sam and Od arm-in-arm, Herewulf took the opportunity to relate their recent adventures to their new companion. Strider flatly refused to believe a word of it until they got to the part where the phase spiders attacked. Then he grew thoughtful and commented that it explained something that had been worrying him for some time - the problem of what had become of the spawn of Shelob. But he wouldn't explain who Shelob was or why it mattered. Herewulf was beginning to think that Strider was a trifle too taciturn to be much fun to be around but he kept that opinion to himself out of politeness. Snappy agreed with him, though.

Back at the tower, Nord and Jeli weren't speaking to each other. They were having a lovers' tiff. Sam tried to console Jeli and Od tried to cheer up Nord but all that achieved was to make the pair even more angry with each other than they were already. "It's not usually like this," said Herewulf apologetically.

"There is no time," announced Strider abruptly. "This ancient tower is not safe from prying eyes. Come, we must travel by night to evade our foes, for they are all around us. With luck, we should reach our destination by sunrise but tarry not, for the danger is great and we must make haste."

"What destination?" asked Od innocently, disentangling himself momentarily from Sam's embrace, "I thought we'd given up trying to get to Conyberry after Xena and the others got there first?"

"The power of Mordor extends further than you imagine, young hobbit," replied Strider. "You do well to remember the peril that threatens us all - man, elf and halfling alike. Even the dwarves in their halls of stone are not safe."

Yes, but where are we actually going?"

"That must remain a secret known only to ourselves, for there are spies everywhere. When the sun sets behind the hills and the clouds cover the moon, then must we strike out, o'er mountain and dale, through flood and forest, and take always the hidden ways far from the ken of the orc lords."

Od looked at Herewulf, who shrugged. "Don't ask me," he said. "By the way, how are you feeling now? Arms and legs working better?"

"Yes, thanks," replied the diminutive bard, "Sam has been rubbing me with ointment, haven't you, my love?"

Sam smiled and produced a jar of something. "My auntie's recipe," she said proudly. "Goose grease and pig fat with powdered daffodil. Want to try some?"

"Perhaps later. It might not agree with my chainmail. Although ..."

"Hist!" warned Strider suddenly in a low voice, "There is something moving around outside!" and he flung himself at the doorway where ...

 

[rgoodbb]

he flung himself at the doorway where ...

…..he found a shrub to hide behind. He beckoned Od and Herewulf slowly towards him. The rambler then peered through the shrub. A paled and circular figure was tapping one of their mess tins onto the very still ridges of Snappy’s back. It was rolling and moving about in an awkward dance or jig. The thin figure was reciting an incantation or something.

“The metal tin, gives off a din
It’s got no meats, for me to eats
That makes me mad, so, so, so, so saaaaaad!

“What foul creature abomination is this before us? We should kill it now. Put it out of its misery”

“Wait. I know this thing. It’s Dear Liza from way back in post #95”

“But it is a moving bucket. That’s SacroBlasph!”

“Not really because this bucket is a holy bucket.” Which was kind of true for the bucket did indeed contain a hole. It also had some straw and carried an axe within it. Making it handy as well as holy.

“What? Really? You sure? Well OK. Actually, you know what? It’s not OK. I’m not OK with any of this. This……this is all wrong.”

Just then a blushing Jeli and Nord emerged from within the under tower. They were followed by two rabbits.

The DM looked around. Jeli, Nord, Od, Herewulf, Snappy, Strider, Dear Liza and the pair of bunnies

“Nine companions. So be it. You shall be the fellowship of the wrong.

Od - “Great! Where are we going?”

 

[BoldItalic]

Od - “Great! Where are we going?”

"We go to our doom," intoned Strider mournfully, "And few among us shall return in this age of the world. There are forces ranged against us that we have little hope of overcoming but we must strive nobly to overcome nonetheless e'en though we perish and are utterly forgotten. For the time is come to set forth upon the final journey that will end with the dawning of a new age."

"Er .. if you don't mind me asking, who told you?"

"My left thumb talks to me," said Strider proudly, "Don't you, thumbie? See, he says yes."

"Herewulf," murmured Od, "You can cure diseases, can't you? Being a paladin, and all?"

"Why, has Sam given you something embarassing?"

"No, no, not that. Our friend Strider, he .. has issues, doesn't he? Would you say that he was ... quite sane?"

"Well, I'm no expert but apart from the raging paranoia and the infantile delusions, he seems to be about as sane as the rest of us."

"Nothing you can do for him, then?"

"We can follow him around for the laughs."

"Not too long, though."

"I give it a couple of hours before those two rabbits turn into two rabbits plus about ten baby rabbits and ruin his numbers."

"The fellowship-of-the-roughly-nineteen doesn't have the same ring to it, does it?"

"Don't talk about the ring!"

"Oops. Forgot. D'you want to have a go with it?"

"Why would I want to do that?"

"Dunno. It keeps telling me to give it away. Weird."

"Give it to Strider, then. Go on, I dare you. Bet he freaks out."

"I've got a better idea. I'll get Sam to pick his pockets and plant it on him. See how long it takes for him to notice."

"Heh. Go for it."

About half an hour down the trail towards Conyberry, where they definitely weren't going, Strider called a halt and had everyone make Stealth checks because he thought he heard something. After a few minutes, during which nothing at all happened, he gave up and blew his nose to hide his embarrassment. As he put his handkerchief back in his pocketses, he suddenly froze and his eyes went wide. Drawing forth Od's ring, he squinted at it closely and declared "By the six-and-a-half! The ring of power, torn from the hand of S'wrong by my forefather Isulk! In our hour of greatest need, it comes to us! Onward to victory!" and he put it on. And disappeared. And entered the ethereal plane, where he saw ...

 

[rgoodbb]

, where he saw….ed his own thumb off to remove the ring and went totally (not partially) insane. Thus he became Lost and frustratingly, Herewulf, being that champion of the lost, had to start looking for him all over again. He was not high in the queue though and could wait for now.

As they neared their destination, their thoughts and worries had become reality. Xena’s troop had indeed beaten them back and had cleared out all the XP in the area. What were they to do?

“Uhm sorry guys. This is really all our fault.” Claimed Jeli.

“Tha’n’top it arr it done.” Supported Nord in a way only he could.

“They would have still beaten us here whatever you guys. Don’t worry about it. I need a drink. Who wants another drink?”

Snappy had attached Dear Liza on his back, and with his football sharing the inside space of the bucket with a hand axe, entered the tavern. The bunnies took watch on the local field. Staring down at their ales, Od thought back. “Herewulf. You wanted this didn’t you? You wanted a trip down memory lane to the good old days of clearing out goblin nests etc. Is this still what you want or do you think maybe we are destined for greater things? I mean I don’t really know any of the other settings but we could go…dare I say….Homebrew again. What do people think?”

- Those that are lost are more lost in the many thousands of homebrew worlds than here I suppose.

- Od. I will go where you go my love. And a boat trip seems really expen…exciting.

- Well the tower will always now be a fond memory for me but, this place has gone a little stale

- Thoughcha wooda neva not il me father for ye and ones liver. Aye!

So it was that our band of adventurers set off on a new course. A course that would take them head on into many perils but the saga's. Oh the saga's. After a brief discussion, they all agreed and headed off for the Land of the P........

 

[BoldItalic]

They all agreed and headed off for the Land of the Pirate King.

The Pirates' Guild headquarters, down by the docks in Lowport, was decorated in nautical stye as might be expected; the roof timbers had been looted from Spanish galleons and the elegant furniture had previously graced the cabins of wealthy sea captains who no longer required it.

It was low tide on the night of the new moon and the common room was thronged with cuthroat sailors having a good time, celebrating the mysterious and unaccountable loss of a fleet of merchant ships laden with cargoes of rum. It was very good rum, they all agreed, and there was certainly no shortage of it tonight.

Nord and Jeli were fully paid up members of the Guild, of course, and they had brought along Od and Sam, Herewulf and Snappy as their guests.

"This is better," sighed Herewulf, relaxing with his boots on the table like everyone else around him, "We had a perfectly good quest, working for Penelope to find the biggest diamond in the world and bury the fifty tons of gold stowed below decks on the Phase Rider, and somehow we got distracted."

Herewulf wondered vaguely why the room had suddenly gone quiet and why Od and the others were frantically waggling their eyebrows at him. "You mean the gold that was stolen from us by buccaneers, don't you?" hissed Od loudly, "The gold that we definitely don't have any more?"

At this moment, a drunken sailor lurched past their table and very carefully adopted the air of someone who is certainly not listening in the slightest. Then, as he lurched away again, he wondered why everyone was laughing and why his knees felt unaccountably draughty. It soon became evident to everyone in the room but him, that Sam had just taken the opportunity to steal his trousers.

"Sorry," said Herewulf, "I thought we weren't supposed to talk about, you know, thinggy. The thing that the Wrongwraiths were chasing us for. This rum is quite strong, isn't it?" Then he abruptly fell asleep.

"We be needin' a crew," announced Nord in a loud voice to the room in general to cover Herewulf's faux pas. "Trustworthy and reliable men o'course, for a perilous voyage to the Lootworthy Archipelago where there be diamond mines to plunder an' gems the size of hens' eggs lyin' on the beach fur anyone to take. Course, no-one's goin' to sign on at daybreak on the quayside. It's far too dangerous. We'll just have to go on our own."

Jeli winked approvingly at Nord, who noticed with delight the way that her earrings jangled as she smiled.

Meanwhile, under the table, Snappy was having a quiet conversation with a ship's cat called Marmalade, the upshot of which was ...

 

[rgoodbb]

Meanwhile, under the table, Snappy was having a quiet conversation with a ship's cat called Marmalade, the upshot of which was ...

…Snappy was invited to join the (RCFC) Real Captains Freemasons Club; a group of influential mascots, familiars, pets and lucky charm animals that truly ran the ships and the shipping across the seas. They had all the information, the power and influence from every port city from here to eternity.

Marmalade, (whose name I might just steal for my next familiar) regaled Snappy of riches more than just gold and diamonds and other jewels and gems. Treasures of control of not only his own destiny but also control over the fate of entire civilisations. That, plus the Lowport RCFC footie team was second in the league at the moment, only behind the Sea-Shankers on goal difference. It was an offer he could not refuse.

He was initiated and promptly promoted to the rank of Journeyman due to his already considerable notoriety. They parted with a secret claw/paw shake and Snappy felt as if he had just moved into the new world of character development.

Meanwhile it was almost B-Time. Everyone in the grotty, underlit establishment looked nervously at each other wondering with excited glee who would be the first recipient of the night……It came from the corner booth. A smash and crash of a clay urn over another’s head, and Brawl Time had begun. Everyone cheered as tables, chairs and bodies began flying in all directions across the room.

Snappy, wandered out onto the pier this beautiful night, away from the noise, away from the fracas. He was a changed croc. He was now above all this common pirate tradition. Above mere brawls, treasure and ale. Abo…who was he kidding. He ran back in and bit down hard on a wooden leg and pulled it from underneath a rotund pirate, Aaaarrrrrrr!

Daybreak on the quayside found……

 

[BoldItalic]

Daybreak on the quayside found …… seagulls wheeling above a crowd of disreputable-looking sailors eager to sign on as crew of the Phase Rider and all vouching for each other's trustworthiness and reliability. Captain Jeli, looking truly resplendent in an illusionary costume with a tricorn hat and a tunic with an awful lot of gold braid around the shoulders, amplified her voice with the aid of a cantrip and addressed them:

"Men, I thank you all for coming and for volunteering your services. We are about to set sail on a perilous voyage to the ends of the earth and before you sign on, you must know that we do not expect to return. Ever. It is a one-way trip. And you will not get paid. At all. But if you come with us and work hard, the rewards will be out of this world and I can guarantee that you will end your lives in happiness."

There was a certain amount of murmuring when the pirates heard this. It sounded good to some but not everyone was convinced. To some it promised escape from their enemies on shore, incalculable rewards and a long and happy retirement elsewhere but generally speaking people don't become pirates if that's what they are looking for in a career. To others it promised unremitting toil and hardship followed by an untimely death in some god-forsaken place and if you have zero self-esteem even that sounds attractive.

Sensing the mood of the crowd, Lieutenant Nord took over and appealed to the basest instincts of the waverers. "You'll get to watch floggings," he promised, "an' sometimes it'll be someone else who's getting flogged!"

That did the trick. A cheer went up and the pirates eagerly swarmed up the gangplank onto the deck of the Phase Rider. Fluttering from the masthead was a new black flag that would one day come to be feared on the eighty-nine seas of the world. The flag showed an open thesaurus above crossed blades, foils, rapiers, sabres, scimitars, katanas, cutlasses and was known as the Jeli Roget.

As they weighed anchor and left port, Ensign Od remarked to Ensign Sam "Keep watch for mermaids riding pink narwhals - I've a feeling we will be meeting them quite soon."

"Anything you say, dear," she replied, wondering what to do with the ship's anchor and thinking she might hide it in a suitable barrel.

Around six bells of the forenoon watch, scudding before a brisk sou'wester, the ship suddenly ...

 

[rgoodbb]

Around six bells of the forenoon watch, scudding before a brisk sou'wester, the ship suddenly ...

….lurched involuntarily to starboard. Three burly pirates instantly spewed carrots ower the end of the forecastle and Snappy smirked at their constitution. Being a crock with multiple teeth, the newly promoted freemason could sport up to two dozen different grins, all with their own particular subtlety and meaning.

“It’s the pull of the pool” Commented a slightly concerned but respectful Nord

“What’s that?” Herewulf asked.

“Olde Nelly; the great Whirlpool. We’re on her outer edge. We 'ave to be careful here now. A strong Nor-nor-West-Nor-nor could draw us in.”

“Up the ratlines, drop the foresail, take the lines.” Commended the Captain. And the crew made themselves busy. A good half of them had absolutely no idea what they were doing but had polished their performances to looking great while they were doing it. Nord grinned with pride at them. Proper pirates, one an’ all.

Sam was in the crow’s-nest with Od when the Phase Rider lurched. She held onto him tight but realised that she had already taken everything from him in previous friskings. What she really needed was all that gold in the secure hold. Well, not so secure. See this was the problem: The hold was indeed full of gold. The hold was not only un-secure but also unguarded. I mean what’s the point of trying to steal it when you could just walk in and take as much as you want? Where’s the fun in that. Sam was in a quandary. How could she practice her thievery skills and still have fun?

Then it came to her. Unsteal! Of course that was the answer. Give it all back. But secretly. Then she could acquire or procure it all over again. She planted a kiss on Od and began the process of returning items to his person. While the pair of them were distracted up high in the crow’s nest, both of course failed to spot the giant…

 

[BoldItalic]

failed to spot the giant… tentacle that rose silently from the sea and gently, very gently, pulled the ship away from the whirlpool to safety.

Well, safety of a kind. After all, there is no such thing as a free lunch.

The tentacle continued its relentless pressure and moved the unprotesting ship towards the neck of a giant bottle that waited like an enormous glass O to engulf it. And there they were, before they knew it, bobbing about in the sea waiting for someone to roll a 327 on the trinkets table - a ship in a bottle.

---

After a long time, the bottle was caught in the nets of an Athenian fisherman who, when he got back to Piraeus, took it to a curiosity merchant near the harbour and got a good price for it because the merchant was his uncle's cousin's half-brother in law. Several customers remarked upon it but no-one bought it until one day a barbarian came in and asked to have a look at it.

"Hermione would like that," said Throg, laying his axe on the counter and taking out a large coin pouch, "How much do you want for it?"

The merchant looked at the pouch, looked at the axe, looked shifty, gave a sharp intake of breath and said "Difficult one, that, squire. See, we have this new archon called Solong and he's declared de-mock-racy. Everybody has to vote on absolutely everything and I can't just put a price on ships-in-bottles just like that. You see my problem?"

"No?" said Throg, "Not exactly." and the coin pouch opened slightly to reveal the tantalising hint of gold. Also, the axe suddenly seemed sharper and more magical than a casual glance would normally suggest.

"Of course," continued the merchant smoothly, fingering his collar, "that doesn't necessarily apply to foreign trade. Are you a foreign country?"

Throg thought about this for a long moment while dice went clackity-clack in his mind. "Yes," he said finally.

"A hundred gold, plus taxes. Not a drachma less."

"Deal."

Throg picked up his purchase and noticed that it seemed surprisingly heavy but he wasn't too familar with glass of the non-drinking kind so he shrugged and walked out of the emporium. He gave the trinket to Hermione and she was delighted and gave it pride of place on her mantlepiece. "It's very heavy," she commented. "Almost as if there's fifty tons of gold in the ship's hold. And it's very realistic, look, you can even see tiny pirates running about on the deck and up and down the rigging. Oh, thank you Throg, it's just what I've always wanted."

---

"Now?" asked Nord.

"Now." replied Captain Jeli. "Prepare to phase, mister mate, and set the sprits'ls, we're going about. Helmsman! Three points on the larboard wheel and change down to third!"

Emerging from the bottle, the Phase Rider ...

 

[rgoodbb]

Emerging from the bottle, the Phase Rider ...

… Seemed to blur into the glass orifice as it intangibly passed through. A strange mechanical gallifreyan noise grew louder and quitter, louder and quieter, louder and quieter until the wondrous ship phased out of this reality. Images blurred. The giant barbarian and the cleric distorted both viably and audibly. The space around them grew dark and shadowy. The ship entered the shadow realm: A dimension used to cover time and space. This was not a place to dally or dawdle. Not a place to linger or loiter. Not a place to……”Captain. We have a pro…”

“Prepare the Shadow-drive to recommence lateral travel. Tighten that line sailor!”

“But Captain. W..”

The ship gently and slowly revved up.

“Employ.”

The whining ship whined and whined and a strange rumbling sound that was twice a hungry Herewulf belly loud, petered out until it came to a stop.

“What has happened?”

“I tried to tell ya luv. We got us a problem.”

“Sorry I was in the moment. What is it?”

“Well. The Rider is sick.”

“Don’t you mean broken?”

“Nope. The Rider is a livin’ breathin, creature.”

“Really? Why did I never know this?”

“Need to know I guess my luv. DM’s prerogative?”

“How do we fix this?”

“We need…..the Doctor.”

____________________________________________________

Half way across the Shadowverse, Hoo layered the high stacked sandwich until it could no longer balance. Meats, honey, cheeses, honey, breads, honey, and a little more honey. This was probably the best sandwich the young Owlbear had ever devised. She sat in her large comfy chair in her small medi-shack. She lifted the snack precariously, tilted her head back, and slowly opened her beak-maw, readying for the pleasure of be-honeyed food when: Hnaar, Hnaar…… Hnaar, Hnaar. The crystal ball rang. She ignored it and set herself again to receive the delicious treat. Hnaar, Hnaar…… Hnaar, Hnaar. Dang. It was no good. Hoo could not enjoy this with background noise. Reluctantly, she answered.

“Doctor Hoo’s breakdown service. There’s a Doctor in the hoose.” She had been told to say.”

“Uh yeah. We needs a blighty pickup and tow an’ we be dustin’ on dar Murky Threads.”

Hoo immediately scrambled the Crystal Ball so it spoke Buccaneer.

“Um the Murky Threads you say. What outpost are you near?”

“Oh er. Post #159 I think. No hang on we’ve just drifted next to #160. We’re still drifting so this could move again by the time you catch up with us.”

“No problem. Please state the nature of the medical emergency?”

“Phase Rider. Blown fuse I think?”

“Phase Ri…Of course. I will be out to you as soon as possible.” Hoo was already stuffing her honyfied sandwich in her spare kit bag. “If you could all stay within the confines your vehicle.”

__________________________________

Meanwhile, bearing a huge grin in a way that only a croc could, Snappy was about to launch off the portside for a spot of Shadow-Surfing….