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The worst of all editions? (humor)
- Thread starter OchreJelly
- Start date
TO THE DUNGEON MASTER: In this edition, we at Wizards Of The Coast seek to make your DMing job as simple as possible by removing any need to think quickly, make judgement calls, ad lib or extrapolate. To aid in this endeavour, we have placed charts throughout the DMG to help you resolve any noncombat actions, and quite a few for combat as well. If the PCs do it, or say it, we have a chart for it. There's a chart for visiting town, for chatting to the gate guard, and if the PCs don't say hello to the gate guard, there's a chart for that as well. When a PC scratches themselves, you roll on a chart to see if they've caught an infection, and whenever they sleep, you roll on one chart that tells you what dream they had, and another chart to see if they remember it.
It's not just PCs our charts will help you with. When you design an adventure, there's no need to exercise your imagination or make any choices whatsoever. Just roll on the adventure creation charts, which will tell you where each tree is, how many butterflies the party sees en route to the dungeon, and which orcs secretly fancy each other. No matter what you do in this version of D&D, there's charts to handle it, with plenty of entries, half of which tell you to go and roll on another chart. Sorry we haven't got an index, or a first-level adventure in the back, or any illustrations, but we couldn't possibly have left out the charts in their place. That's all we'll say. It would be impertinent to have a longer designers' commentary when there's important charts to put on this page.
It's not just PCs our charts will help you with. When you design an adventure, there's no need to exercise your imagination or make any choices whatsoever. Just roll on the adventure creation charts, which will tell you where each tree is, how many butterflies the party sees en route to the dungeon, and which orcs secretly fancy each other. No matter what you do in this version of D&D, there's charts to handle it, with plenty of entries, half of which tell you to go and roll on another chart. Sorry we haven't got an index, or a first-level adventure in the back, or any illustrations, but we couldn't possibly have left out the charts in their place. That's all we'll say. It would be impertinent to have a longer designers' commentary when there's important charts to put on this page.
Ravellion
serves Gnome Master
5e from hell:
Both core and splats are riddled with errors (splats have enormous powercreep, to the point that playing basic classes is almost useless). Errata is only supplied in the digital version, which is supplied through a paid online subscription only. To prevent piracy, these files cannot be downloaded and are only available in graphical PDFs with horrible resolution, that are only viewable while you are online, and only in a custom piece of shoddily designed software. Think E-tools meets DDI meets 90s TSR legal team.
Every 18 to 24 months the system gets a major overhaul, requiring either the purchase of new books, or complete adoption of the horrible software.
Elves can't be bards, half elves can't be paladins. Gnomes, despite coming in the tinker variety only, can choose to take levels as barbarian. The rules for mixing classes vary for each and every race.
For every action there is a different die-size to roll and it is different each and every time whether you should roll high, low, or should look up the result in a table somewhere (with positive and negative results mixed up instead of being from high to low).
The prose reads like a physics text book (the little of it that there is). The rules read like archaic prose.
Character creation takes forever, with the PC having to choose class, class options ala 2e Spells and powers, race, skills, kits, weapon proficiencies, feats, substitution abilities, and carefully plot out courses to overpowered feat options, prestige classes, paths and destinies.
The first two levels are excessively lethal.
Roleplaying is not mentioned at all in the PHB. Minmaxing is encouraged in sidebars. The DMG states to punish players for roleplaying infractions by withholding XP or changing the characters class. The DMG states to keep the book out of the hands of the players at all times.
Players cannot buy, sell or create magic items. Nevertheless, the level progression all but requires a substantial amount of magic to keep pace with the monsters' stats. This isn't stated clearly anywhere in the rules; in fact, the DMG advocates keeping magic rare to enhance its mysteriousness. Despite this, some freak rolls on treasure tables could leave some vastly overpowered magic items in the hands of the party for defeating a kobold.
Traps are often no save, just die. Only rogues can find them. Disabling them is a pure function of the rogues level.
Both core and splats are riddled with errors (splats have enormous powercreep, to the point that playing basic classes is almost useless). Errata is only supplied in the digital version, which is supplied through a paid online subscription only. To prevent piracy, these files cannot be downloaded and are only available in graphical PDFs with horrible resolution, that are only viewable while you are online, and only in a custom piece of shoddily designed software. Think E-tools meets DDI meets 90s TSR legal team.
Every 18 to 24 months the system gets a major overhaul, requiring either the purchase of new books, or complete adoption of the horrible software.
Elves can't be bards, half elves can't be paladins. Gnomes, despite coming in the tinker variety only, can choose to take levels as barbarian. The rules for mixing classes vary for each and every race.
For every action there is a different die-size to roll and it is different each and every time whether you should roll high, low, or should look up the result in a table somewhere (with positive and negative results mixed up instead of being from high to low).
The prose reads like a physics text book (the little of it that there is). The rules read like archaic prose.
Character creation takes forever, with the PC having to choose class, class options ala 2e Spells and powers, race, skills, kits, weapon proficiencies, feats, substitution abilities, and carefully plot out courses to overpowered feat options, prestige classes, paths and destinies.
The first two levels are excessively lethal.
Roleplaying is not mentioned at all in the PHB. Minmaxing is encouraged in sidebars. The DMG states to punish players for roleplaying infractions by withholding XP or changing the characters class. The DMG states to keep the book out of the hands of the players at all times.
Players cannot buy, sell or create magic items. Nevertheless, the level progression all but requires a substantial amount of magic to keep pace with the monsters' stats. This isn't stated clearly anywhere in the rules; in fact, the DMG advocates keeping magic rare to enhance its mysteriousness. Despite this, some freak rolls on treasure tables could leave some vastly overpowered magic items in the hands of the party for defeating a kobold.
Traps are often no save, just die. Only rogues can find them. Disabling them is a pure function of the rogues level.
Synnibarr.
thedungeondelver
Adventurer
The Shadow
Hero
The character or the player?
Hm, there's an idea. If your character dies, you are obligated to commit seppuku. Or, to satisfy Jack Chick, to sacrifice someone else. Fail to do this, and you will be solemnly warned that you are not playing an official D&D campaign. Also, you are a cheater.
Then again, perhaps character creation is so involved that the player dies of *old age* before it's done...
Windjammer
Adventurer
I see what you did there.
nightwalker450
First Post
Due to the popularity of League of Legends, and PvP within various other games. This will consist of a system built strictly around PvP balance. The GM's job consists of constructing a map, and coming up for an excuse why you're all fighting each other, or why Team A is after Team B. The GM can be replaced, by rolling for a random map, and does anyone really care about a story in PvP?
When first released, it will have obvious balance issues, such as spell caster vs. non spell caster... These will be fixed through monthly errata over the course of x number of years, until the developers finally give up and sack the whole thing.
They will next produce a My Little Pony role playing game, and it will be awesome, and everypony will be playing it!
When first released, it will have obvious balance issues, such as spell caster vs. non spell caster... These will be fixed through monthly errata over the course of x number of years, until the developers finally give up and sack the whole thing.
They will next produce a My Little Pony role playing game, and it will be awesome, and everypony will be playing it!
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