[Updated!]I think my life has decided to fall apart

[Ankh-Morpork Guard]

If you don't want to go too far get in Uni at Bangor or Liverpool JMU (they take anyone I should know they took me). Move into digs or halls, you ain't more than an hours travel away and it gives you the space you need. Plus you should be able to find a RPG group to take your mind off her.

Actually, Bangor's just near here. That's where I'm planning on going. Because of strange school differences and such, I'm going to be going to Coleg Menai over in Bangor for a foundations course in art...or something similar.

 

[Bagpuss]

Art College, cool choice the boy to girl ratio in them means there are usually plenty of cute single sexually active young women available that will take your mind off her pretty quick.

 

[Ankh-Morpork Guard]

Art College, cool choice the boy to girl ratio in them means there are usually plenty of cute single sexually active young women available that will take your mind off her pretty quick.

Except I AM going there for the actual school. Sure, those other things are something to look at, but right now my focus is on finishing up my portfolio...tough work because I'm such a strong critic of my own work.

 

[TiQuinn]

My advice is find a night job and a roommate at your college, and get out of that house. Regardless of how much the mother likes you, she's her daughter and she's carrying her grandchild. If they don't have enough room, and your "GF" needs help, you will be the one who's gone.

From what you've told me, this girl finds you convenient. You fill a certain need for her. When you aren't convenient or what she needs, she'll push you away (as she's done). She will do it time and again, and the onus is on you to get out of the situation.

Basically, nothing good will come of being anywhere near her or her family. You need to leave, and do so ASAP. If you can't because of a financial situation, then you need to find a way to change your financial situation until you CAN leave.

Good luck.

 

[Obryn]

While I understand what you're saying, this just proves to me that I've misrepresented her because people here are getting the wrong impression. True, I've left out a lot of very major details, but a lot of them are not things that have a place on ENWorld, or with anyone else for that matter. They're thing between only she and I(and possibly a couple other people we're both very close with).

Hi, I don't really know you at all, but I thought I'd throw in my two cents here.

I don't think you're misrepresenting her to us. You're presenting her just fine; you're just rationalizing the very real things she's done to you.

The simple, basic fact is that she betrayed you, totally and completely. There might not have been any malice in it, but no matter what the age, there's no excuse.

Everyone in this thread knows the basic facts - she cheated on you with someone else before she visited you in the USA and got pregnant. She knew she was pregnant probably during her stay in the States when she missed her period. She didn't bother mentioning to you the fact that she was pregnant for several months, and she didn't even tell you herself - you had to find out from the guy who got her pregnant. She got handfasted to this other guy, and handfasted to you.

And she knew all of this before you hopped on that plane. She could have told you all of it before you left the USA. She didn't let you make a decision of how you wanted your life to go for yourself; instead she pulled the rug out from under you when you were basically defenseless against it.

Unless these details are false, that's enough to know that she is probably not a good person for you to be around. And if she is saying she loves you, the cold, hard fact is that she's mistaken. You can't call something with so many levels of betrayal "love." She's probably young, confused, misled, and deeply sorry for all of this. I have no doubt she cares for you in some selfish way, too. But it doesn't matter; until she grows up, she'll do it again and she'll keep playing you for the fool, maliciously or not.

You keep insisting that the folks giving you advice here don't know all the details of this relationship. They don't need to, because the skeletal details are enough.

You're talking a lot about not admitting defeat, facing hardship, and being where you wanted to be anyway. Like I said, I don't know you, but this sounds an awful lot like rationalization to me. Parts of you still need her around, so you're coming up with excuses to stay close just in case she should come to her senses. I know this feeling - I've been there.

Be coldly, brutally honest with yourself. I don't think you are right now. Admit that you've made a mistake, that she's not who you thought she was, and that life without her (while tough for a while) will be better for you in the long run.

-O

 

[Trainz]

Hey Ankh !

Listen man... why did you post this thread ? I assume it was to receive some advice on your f'ed up situation. About everyone told you the same thing: GTFO. Yet, you keep defending her, you keep saying we're wrong.

Then what ? Did you post this thread to get justification ? You won't find it here. What you'll find here is the brutal honest truth. And emotional support. But man, you have to wisen up.

I have met a girl when I was about 20. Your friend sounds a lot like her. That girl always kept me at bay, and yet always clinged to me as an emotional crutch, until 5 years had passed and I realised I was used by someone who will forever live in the dark. I then shaped-up, said "You know what, if you won't come around, I won't waste the rest of my life for you" and almost never saw her again.

5 years man. 5 friggin' years. It wasn't fun at all. You can either:

A- Ignore all the experienced advice you got from this thread and shoot yourself in the foot, bracing yourself for a hellish not-so-merry-go-'round or;

B- Wake-up and make a man of yourself. You dubbed yourself mature ? Act like it.

I'm coming out strong at you. Brutally so. I'm sorry. I just don't want you to go through what I had to if I can help it.

 

[Ankh-Morpork Guard]

Listen man... why did you post this thread ?

Honestly, it was to vent. I was keeping too much inside and I really just needed to get it out. I knew ENWorld was a good place, and I'd get good advice here, even though I knew it probably wouldn't be completely to my liking.

I'm coming out strong at you. Brutally so. I'm sorry. I just don't want you to go through what I had to if I can help it.

Don't be sorry. I'm glad everyone is willing to BE strong and honest with me. I need it, whether I really like it or not. And though it may not sound like it, trust me on this one...I AM taking a lot of the advice in this thread, its just that some of it will take more TIME than others.

I still think ByronD had the best post. I have to take all of this and weigh it to ALL the variables, and only I can truly do that. Then again, that ALSO takes time.

 

[Mister Mojo]

I am, as you can see, almost purely a lurker here. So take what I say with that in mind, if you like. But I am speaking from experience.

I had a friend once named Mark. Mark was one of the funniest, wittiest, most intelligent and ascerbic people I ever knew. At 18, I surely would have said he was "18 going on 40."

I was wrong, of course. Such people generally do not exist.

In our senior year, Mark was hanging out with some friends of his from the high school he had attended for his freshman and sophomore year before transferring to my school. While there, he met a girl named Beth. Beth had met one of Mark's friends during a debate competition in DC. Beth lived in Nebraska; Mark's friend lived here in NYC. A long distance relationship was born. But after Beth met Mark, she dumped Mark's friend and embarked on a relationship with him.

Fast forward seven months to graduation. Mark takes me and a couple of our other friends aside, smiling happily at Beth ten feet over, and tells us that he's been accepted at one of Nebraska's state universities -- the same one Beth will be attending. My friends and I were apprehensive ... but they seemed to love each other, and if it made him happy, what the heck?

Fast forward to September. I'm in my dorm room way upstate, adjusting to classes at college, having been there less than a week. The phone rings. It's my best friend JP, who dishes the gossip that -- *gasp* -- Beth has dumped Mark.

Over the next few months the following came out:

- Beth broke up with Mark after someone at the girls' side of the dorm took one look at him and said in the most sneering tone imaginable, "THAT's your boyfriend?"
- Beth almost immediately took up with another lover -- a woman -- after arriving at the university.
- Beth took pictures of herself with this new lover and mailed them to Mark.

Mark subsequently found himself halfway across the country, with no friends, no family, and no support network. He nearly committed suicide, and with all the problems he had brought down on himself over this girl, it took him eight years to get a Bachelor's Degree.

Your situation is not unique. You do not have any great insight into the world or the human condition. You are a very young man -- practically a boy -- who has gotten in terribly over his head, manipulated and having had your goodwill and charitable nature taken advantage of by a selfish, dishonest young woman who is practically a girl.

You have advantages over Mark -- Mark had a horrible relationship with his divorced parents, which is the main reason he did not come back to NYC -- and Mark had one big one over you -- no other man's baby in the picture.

You need to go back home, AMG. You are right -- no one here knows this girl, or you, or the sweet nothings you've whispered to each other. But Mark told me something once after he had recovered from HIS disaster when I was having woman problems that I found quite profound:

"No, I don't know her, I don't know how she really feels about you, or how you really feel about her. But what I DO know is the effect she's having on you."

We see the effect she's having on you. We see it wearing down and doing horrible things to a nice guy who apparently thinks "maturity" means shouldering a thousand times more weight than he needs to.

Go back home, AMD. It's not admitting failure to jump out of a house that's burning down around your ears.

 

[Queen_Dopplepopolis]

Let me start this with a simply statement: I believe in young love. My husband and I met when I was 17... we were married when I was 19. The beginning of your story was so romantic... but, at the risk of sounding like a huge bitch... Ankh-Morpork Guard, you seem to be a prime example of a co-dependent... I know because I was one for years and years-- I had all the excuses for all my mother's problems. But, eventually, you come to the realization, whether by your own will or the will of others, that it is not your place to make those sorts of excuses anymore.

True, she has issues... but, in a situation like this, you need to think about yourself for a while. Your entire life revolves around HER problems. YOUR life isn't falling apart, HERS is.

You two may be in love... Love with a big L, even. You may be mature... However, she is not. Give her time to grow up and stop making excuses for her immature behavior.

It'll make you a better, happier person.

 

[Archon]

find someone else to make you happy.

dude. you don't need her. period.