[Updated!]I think my life has decided to fall apart

[The_Universe]

I'm just catching up with this one - all I can think of to say is Oh. My. God. You, my friend, appear to have stepped out of reality into the strange shadow dimension where old Jerry Springer episodes go to die.

I admire you for wanting to stick it out. I once felt the same in a similar (but far less extreme) instance in my own life. As soon as you get a chance, sit back and think - really think - about what's going on, here. The woman who brought you across the Atlantic has, in the interim, been joined to another man both figuratively and literally. Why are you still there?

You don't have to answer these questions for us. But you do have to answer them for yourself...hopefully, the answers you come up with will not only make sense to you, but also be comprehensible to others. It's not perfect, but its a good way to get a sanity check sometimes.

Nonetheless, what I really think will happen is that if you ask yourself those questions seriously, with the maturity you profess to have, you'll find that you've stepped into a situation you don't need.

In the words of wise Arthur, often thought to have been born and raised in the very Wales in which you find yourself:

"Run away! Run away!"

 

[coyote6]

- Beth took pictures of herself with this new lover and mailed them to Mark.

How . . . bold. Didn't they invent scanners and certain Usenet groups in response to silly things like that?

AMG -- what most everyone else said. I think getting outside of the current situation will let you get another perspective on things, and figure out how you feel.

 

[Trainz]

Don't be sorry. I'm glad everyone is willing to BE strong and honest with me. I need it, whether I really like it or not. And though it may not sound like it, trust me on this one...I AM taking a lot of the advice in this thread, its just that some of it will take more TIME than others.

Hey man, you do what you must. Since you've been nice and entertaining to me in the past, and since I have lived something "similar", I owed it to you to give you my two cents.

Good luck living this through, and I dearly hope the best for you. Stay strong, and when it hurts too much, BACK OFF and take a deep breath.

 

[Mister Mojo]

How . . . bold. Didn't they invent scanners and certain Usenet groups in response to silly things like that?

They sure did, but this was back in 1994, and Mark was not the most computer-savvy person in the world (he refused to buy a sound card as he thought it was a pointless accessory "and they'll never make PC games with decent sound anyway").

Look, no one said these were the brightest people in the world. It was just easy to think that when you were 18.

 

[Andrew D. Gable]

- Beth took pictures of herself with this new lover and mailed them to Mark.

If I was he, I would've taken pictures of myself and my current girlfriend and sent 'em to her. Right back at ya, El Chica Psycho!

 

[Snoweel]

One more thing, AMG - people aren't what they say; people are what they do.

No matter what comes out of her mouth (especially in those tender moments after you've thrown a length up her), you should be judging this girl (and her feelings for you) by her actions.

Which seem pretty clear in this thread.

Your 'girlfriend' is selfish and irresponsible. She doesn't care one iota about you, though she appears to care because you make her feel intensely guilty.

And that really annoys her.

 

[Old One]

Interesting Thread...

AMG -

It seems like there are 2 issues here...

(1) Your Grand Adventure (tm): I envy you this...striking out on your own across the pond, attending University in the UK and experiencing a different place is awesome, IMO. Plus, you have picked one of my favorite areas...North Wales...fell in love with it after spending some time there a few years ago and can't wait to go back. I strongly encourage you to continue to pursue your adventure there...live, explore, travel, make life-long friends...it really is the chance of a lifetime.

BUT

(2) The Betrayal (tm): I understand you need to vent and seek other perspectives. You have gotten a lot of advice in this area...some of which I agree with and some of which I don't, so I will throw my 2 coppers into the pot .

First, although you feel that you are 18 going on 40, you are still only 18. I guarantee you that when you are 40, you will look back on this and shake your head, hopefully with a smile on your face. This is coming from someone who is 41 and who, at 18, thought he was 18 going on 40. I too struck out from kith and kin at 18 on a grand adventure that led me all over the world.

Second, You need some time and distance from the 'girlfriend' and her family. Although it is safe and convenient to stay with her mother...and they don't get along terribly well right now...blood is thicker than water. Once that baby arrives, things may change considerably. Start saving now, look for employment/housing opportunities closer to school...make plans to strike out on your own. Continuing to provide emotional support for her at the 'Love" level, when she doesn't reciprocate, isn't fair to you and - to put it in game terms - is like willingingly offering up your neck vein to a friendly vampire everytime she needs a little sustanance.

Third, don't waste your life waiting for her to 'come around', 'realize the error of her ways', 'see the truth' or any of these other cliches. My first marriage (too young, for the wrong reasons) was to a woman who didn't return my level of commitment. I wasted 7 years of my life - from age 27 to age 34 - 'waiting for her to come around'. What I got instead was several betrayals, several separations and her pregnant with another man's child while we were still technically married. I see many of the thoughts and feeling I went through reflected in your writings in this post. Is it possible that things might eventually work out? Anything is possible, but - and I think you already know this deep down inside and just won't admit it - it is highly unlikely.

One thing I know for certain is that unless you walk away, get some time, space and perspective and stop being her emotional crutch, you will never find out. If you don't walk away, you miss the chance to find someone who truly is your soulmate and will return your love and commitment in equal measure...she is probably out there now...signed up for the same graphic design class or waiting in the cafe across the street, but you will never know if you don't let go.

~ Old One

 

[Ankh-Morpork Guard]

One thing I know for certain is that unless you walk away, get some time, space and perspective and stop being her emotional crutch, you will never find out. If you don't walk away, you miss the chance to find someone who truly is your soulmate and will return your love and commitment in equal measure...she is probably out there now...signed up for the same graphic design class or waiting in the cafe across the street, but you will never know if you don't let go.

Agreed. She and I had a fairly long talk last night about things...and though I can't just give her my number, walk out and tell her to call if she ever means what she said before, I did what for me was about equal at this point.

Three pictures of her that I've had for different lengths of time have become very important to me. One is the first one she ever sent me...about, oooh, 5 or so years ago. The other was two years ago, and the third was from my graduation just this past May. They used to be kept with an e-mail I had from her. It was something that helped me through a lot of tough times...pretty much telling me that I couldn't go off and kill myself because that would hurt other people(especially her) far more than it would me. I was her only equal, and she couldn't survive without that. So I kept that e-mail in my wallet for a good long time...last night, I gave her the printed e-mail(which is in fairly bad shape at this point), and the three pictures. I told her that if she ever feels that way again, that I won't make any promises, but I'll still be around.

We are still going to do our best to stay friends, and though a lot of you have advised against it...we both decided that its something each of us need. Besides, I've said before there are a few things I can't mention here that require us to keep in contact, so that's another thing. Hopefully, things will at least stop hurting so much. Its gotten better, though today has been a bit tough for some reason, I actually think I'll be alright.

Actually, I just got a response from the College this morning. Apparently, I have an interview with them next Thursday...which, of course, I have to reschedule because we're heading down to London for a Game Con of sorts...but its not hard to reschedule it, and its just one step closer to getting out and at least figuring a few more things about myself out.

Yet again, I've got to say thanks to everyone here. I don't agree with all of the advice given, and I probably won't follow a good amount of it, but its here to read, and to think on and weigh with the rest of my options, which is really an invaluable thing at this point.

 

[Obryn]

We are still going to do our best to stay friends, and though a lot of you have advised against it...we both decided that its something each of us need. Besides, I've said before there are a few things I can't mention here that require us to keep in contact, so that's another thing. Hopefully, things will at least stop hurting so much. Its gotten better, though today has been a bit tough for some reason, I actually think I'll be alright.

Just so I feel like I'm doing my job here... She may very well need you in some way, but man - you do not need her. She has played you for a fool for at least 6 months, if not longer. Look at the situation honestly - do you really need to see her? Or are you just retreating to a place where you feel comfortable with a thought in the back of your head that things may work out? If it's the latter, stay away from her until you have a life established that doesn't involve her in any way.

Things won't stop hurting so much until you find a life of your own, without her (or a need for her) involved in it. Don't look towards any hypothetical futures where the two of you could be happy because that'll just perpetuate the rut you've found yourself in.

It sounds to me like you're seriously lacking in the self-confidence department. Carrying a torch for her after she's done all these horrible things to you (and never forget that what she's done is inexcusable) will just erode at your self-esteem even more.

Actually, I just got a response from the College this morning. Apparently, I have an interview with them next Thursday...which, of course, I have to reschedule because we're heading down to London for a Game Con of sorts...but its not hard to reschedule it, and its just one step closer to getting out and at least figuring a few more things about myself out.

Erm, I hate to say this - but since this is a generalized "give advice to AMG thread" I'll just point out that your priorities might be a little skewed here. I'd say an interview at a college far outweighs any gaming convention I can think of. If it's not a big deal to move it, it's not a big deal - but you're basically on your own now and you need to start prioritizing like an adult instead of like a kid.

Yet again, I've got to say thanks to everyone here. I don't agree with all of the advice given, and I probably won't follow a good amount of it, but its here to read, and to think on and weigh with the rest of my options, which is really an invaluable thing at this point.

Well, in hope you'll drag this thread out in 6 months' time and look back at it, and have a whole fresh perspective. Your situation isn't unique; many of us who are older have had similar, and the advice we're giving comes from learning things the hard way.

-O

 

[Ankh-Morpork Guard]

Erm, I hate to say this - but since this is a generalized "give advice to AMG thread" I'll just point out that your priorities might be a little skewed here. I'd say an interview at a college far outweighs any gaming convention I can think of. If it's not a big deal to move it, it's not a big deal - but you're basically on your own now and you need to start prioritizing like an adult instead of like a kid.

Its not a priority...but I don't have much of a choice at this point. The tickets were paid for a while back, and can't really be changed anymore. It'll just insult her mother to not go(since she paid for ALL of it). The interview was rescheduled just one day later(when I'll be back) and it wasn't any real trouble.

As for the self esteem thing...well, I would have agreed with you on that one about two hours ago. The biggest key, I noticed, to seeing how bad my self esteem is usually involves if I can draw anything or not. Its been about...hmm...six or seven months since I've really been able to put anything on paper that's worth anything at all.

I just finished up one of the bset portraits I've ever done, and man it feels good to be able to draw again. I was worried for a while that I'd screw up this whole Art thing because I can't seem to focus or do anything right...but I've managed it, so I think I'll be alright now. Finally.