What It's Like For a Gamer Girl

[S'mon]

(Serious hat on) Afrodyte, from your moniker I'm wondering if you might be African-American, in which case if your fellow players aren't it might be racism as well as sexism. Or it might just be sexism. My commiserations - hope you find better people to play with, maybe a group with some other female players.

 

[robaustin]

Afrodyte - have you read "Men Are From Mars, Women are from Venus"? If not - it's worth a read - a lot of what you are detailing comes from the base differences in the two sexes and the way they communicate. Granted, not all of it is explained that way - but a lot of it is. Let me take this point by point:

>>>1. Why is it that male gamers are often so condescending? If I ask a question, why does it seem like they think I am completely ignorant? Whether they know the answer or don't even understand the question, why is it that I often get the answer I'd say was reserved for (to put it politely) the lowest common denominator? <<<

Because gaming is - like many other aspects of our society - male dominated and is very much like a "boys' club" - there isn't much you can do about this except earn their respect through playing with them and showing them you can run and keep up with them.

>>>2. Why is it that when I'm cranky or touchy, I'm suddenly thrust into the position of being a representative of all female gamers instead of just having that kind of day?<<<

Because guys do not communicate emotion very often - so your emotions are often seen by them as over the top IN THEIR MIND. To show emotions for males is to show weakness.

>>>3. How come guys often state their opinions as facts, and their requests as demands? Now, I would concur that this is probably less a male-female interaction thing than varying definitions of what it means to be tactful. However, when I'm communicating, guys often mistake my saying, "I feel that..." for "It is an indisputable fact that..." <<<

Because guys are problem solvers - they are looking for the solution, not the opinion.

>>>What's worse, I often feel like they expect me to be more conscientious regarding their feelings than they are of mine. Why is it that so many guys think that saying, "Please don't do (whatever it was I did to upset them) again" is completely reasonable, but my saying, "Listen, John, when you do/say XYZ, it makes me think you believe I'm (insert unflattering adjective here)" is me being hypersensitive?<<<

Because you're the woman - you're supposed to feel, and respond with feeling. They're not.

>>>4. Must guys have an opinion for eeeeeverything? Is every statement up for debate? Why is it that guys often take a difference of opinion or preference as an opportunity to convert me to their way of seeing things? It doesn't matter what it is. Why do they always try to win, even if there's nothing to win in the first place? <<<

Because men are solution finders, they are hunters. They are supposed to go out, kill the animal and come home to eat it. Seriously. You think this base stuff isn't in their brains still? It sure is!

>>>What's so infuriating about all this is that so much could be nipped at the bud by applying a little bit of forethought and a little bit of awareness that people are different but still deserving of the same respect<<<

And the guys whom you game with haven't figured out how to communicate with women and understand the way the female brain works. They need to read the book too.

Seriously - this is all communication stuff - it's all about the differences in the way males and females communicate and act. Once you understand it, you can begin to adjust your behavior accordingly, and so can they - if they're willing.

--*Rob

 

[Wicht]

Why is it that guys often take a difference of opinion or preference as an opportunity to convert me to their way of seeing things? It doesn't matter what it is. Why do they always try to win, even if there's nothing to win in the first place?

While I won't comment on most of your post, the above set of questions strikes me as a valid observation of typical male behavior. We males do tend to be a bit argumentative. We like to win and that often includes arguments or discussions. It is the challenge as much as anything.

The correct response is to defend your position as well as you are able and to undermine the weak points in the other's position. In other words, feel free to argue back.

I will add however, the mature male, while being argumentative can admit when his position is weaker than another's. An immature male refuses to acknowledge when he is wrong.

 

[Maraxle]

If I may offer my humble opinion...

I think it's a geek thing more than a male or a gamer or a male gamer thing. Have you ever seen that Saturday Night Live sketch with "Nick Burns, Your Company's Computer Guy"? That sketch demonstrates exactly what you're describing. Personally, I think it's caused by being insecure about one's own "coolness", while compensating for that real or imagined deficiency by asserting one's own intellectual superiority (which can also be real or imagined).

 

[Sixchan]

This is perhaps the most useful and perceptive post on this thread yet.

This is a pretty common phenomenon, and one that is forced upon boys from an early age. They are taught that there is no difference between women and men, so when they interact the boys inevitably treat the women the same. And as much as some women might claim they want it, I've never met one that truly did.

I have to honestly say that I treat my female peers in the ways Afrodyte mentioned when in the company of mostly men, because they are treated like one of the guys.

In a similar way, when I am in the company of mostly females, I am usually treated like one of the girls. And trust me, being one of the girls can lead to far more meaningful verbal abuse than when you are with the guys.

I rarely fall out with friends, but I can make up with male ones in a day. It takes a lot longer with females.

 

[Artimoff]

Girls Game?????!!!!???? Is there a Malabu Barbie RPG ???

 

[leeann_the_lame]

BTW, d20Dwarf: I had a bum knee when I came up with the screen-name. So while it is true that I am "anything but lame", it's more a physical reality than anything else.

 

[ArielManx]

The "one of the guys" point that many have brought up is a good one. Take a look at how the males in your game group treat each other and then compare it to how they treat you. If Bill asks, "How does an AoO work again?" is he answered with (A) "Good question, Bill. It's on page XXX of the PHB. Let's take a brief break so everyone can review." or (B) "Bill, you schmoe! We do this every week! Geeeeeez!"

If, after sitting back and really looking at things objectively, you still feel like you are being singled out for some reason, there is a problem. But if you're not being treated differently than the others, it could very well be that they're just treating you as one of the guys and have no idea that you don't like it.

Ariel

 

[DragonLancer]

Say that every time I meet Bob, he throws a rock in my face. Bob often laughs it off and says he's kidding, but that doesn't negate the fact that I don't like having rocks thrown in my face.

Because blokes throw rocks at one another. Its what men do when they gather together. Women talk when they get together and men shout, make fun of one another and bond in that fashion. Its one of those differences between men and women.

Then, one day, I get tired of it, and every time Bob throws a rock at me, I pick up a stick and whack him with it. Now, rather than ask, "What did I do to deserve that?" Bob asks, "Why are you so unreasonable (or some variation thereof)?" Then, on the off day he doesn't throw a rock in my face, he jests (sorta), "Are you gonna hit me with the stick?"

Because you didn't fit in with that bonding and gave him grief for it.

I'm not defending that view point, as I know that not every male is like that. I certainly think that it is one major reason why there are fewer female players.

 

[Afrodyte]

I rarely fall out with friends, but I can make up with male ones in a day. It takes a lot longer with females.

I know that for me, it sometimes takes longer to forgive because I sometimes feel as though I've been thrust into the position of having to defend myself or protect my integrity. I won't go so far as to say the guys in my life are malicious, but sometimes they can make matters worse by minimizing the effect that something they did or said had on me. Or, they try to second-guess my motives (since you can't trust a woman to really say what's on her mind ) and get them completely wrong.

It's not like I walk around mad all the time. However, once I do get to the point where I can't tolerate a certain thing anymore, I become extremely sensitive to any rebuff (real or imagined), and the unfortunate souls around me generally have to walk on eggshells to avoid upsetting me further. I tend to retreat from human interaction in those moments so I can have sufficient time to cool down. But, if I'm pressured to talk or say anything before I've had that time to myself, I can be quite nasty.

Yet, I won't hesitate to say that there are some manipulative, mean-spirited, two-faced creatures that vaguely resemble the human female (and more male ones than many would anticipate) walking around, and I agree that they tend to be far more difficult to deal with because they have a supernatural ability to sap people's common sense.