I like Savage Worlds a lot, and it sounds close to what you want. Plus, hey, complete core rules only $10. Can't beat it.
[*] A sense of simulation that allows for handwaving but does not assume it.
SW isn't very simulationist, but it definitely allows for but does not assume handwaving.
Yup
[*] Defender gets to actively roll to defend from being attacked.
Defense against melee attacks is 1/2 Fighting die +2, so you could allow the defender to roll Fighting +2 or +1 if you wanted. It's really, really hard to hit a swordmaster in melee. Ranged is the standard target number of 4; the Dodge/Improved Dodge feats give penalties to enemies ranged attacks against you. You could have the defender roll d8, with a bonus for the dodge feats if you wanted. Heck, you could just have 'em roll Agility. Or add a Dodge skill that was rolled against ranged attacks. That'd actually be kinda cool...
[*] Characters can grow in power to fight armies.
Pretty much. Of course, a Legendary character should be able to raise at least a small army anyways.
[*] Lots of minis without using lots of time.
100% yes. SW is great for that.
[*] Being hit is bad, not assumed. The hits you don't dodge or soak should hurt.
100%.
[*] Any hit could kill but probably won’t unless the attacker outclasses the foe, in which case the foe probably will die.
Yup. PCs are somewhat protected by the Wild Card rules, though, but a Joe Blow hit by someone who outclasses him a lot is most likely screwed.
[*] “Damage” is easy to track, but specific injuries are possible.
True, and there are listed penalties and bonuses for called shots, but injuries in general are mostly assumed to degrade your capabilities a good deal in general. All injuries lower your speed and all ability and skill tests.
IIRC, yes, but I've never had occasion to use the falling rules so they're not fresh in my head. I should rectify that...
[*] Magic is hazardous to the wielder.
Yup, although you probably won't actually inflict a serious wound without spamming
bolt all the time.
[*] Magic is not an “I Win” button or a guaranteed success.
Yup.
[*] Character power not tied to gear.
Yup.