Don't laugh..... it's here.

Well, I've finally caught up with this (at very long last).

This is great stuff Hairy Minotaur! The banter between players is really well translated - parties that just don't get along are fantastic. Much better than a well-oiled munchkin machine.

I'm just sad that I haven't been able to keep up with this since the beginning - As i read through it, I've had any number of comments to voice. Sigh.

But let the past be the past! Poor dead Nameroc! Lovely way to die though.

(your new regular reader) Spider J

Spider_Jerusalem said:

Well, I've finally caught up with this (at very long last).

This is great stuff Hairy Minotaur! The banter between players is really well translated - parties that just don't get along are fantastic. Much better than a well-oiled munchkin machine.

I'm just sad that I haven't been able to keep up with this since the beginning - As i read through it, I've had any number of comments to voice. Sigh.

But let the past be the past! Poor dead Nameroc! Lovely way to die though.

(your new regular reader) Spider J

Click to expand...

Thanks! and welcome aboard.

"Your furture, read here."

The party sets up a makeshift spit, and begins cooking the bear amid the boulders alongside the path. Finrod still wretches and passes on lunch as he works to get his stomach under control.

Gronar begins working the pelt into a serviceable loincloth, complaining of a chilly draft in places he doesn't want to be cold at. Korg spies Paquito setting out pictures of different animals and goes over to see what the minotaur is up to.

"What Pokey doing?" The hill giant inquires

"The great gypsy Paquito is well versed in the ways of tarot. Perhaps you would like a reading? No?" Paquito answers

"What story Pokey tell this time?" Korg asks

"Why yours of course, what could be and may yet to be. For that is an admirable question. No?" Paquito responds

The confused look on Korg's face told Paquito that he would need to hand hold the giant through this process.

"Okay, first I turn over this card. Then the next one, and I lay it over here. Then these next three, and finally this one." Paquito removes his hands and lets Korg gaze over the animal depictions in front on him.

"See this first card? This is your dominate card. Looks like you are Ass dominate." Paquito says barely able to contain his snickering

"That not look like donkey to Korg, that look like brown blot." Korg says correctly identifying the ink stain

"Nonsense, you just have to learn how to interpret the cards. No? And these cards here, tell me how your Ass will affect future events." Paquito continues

Korg nods in blissful ignorance

"Well it appears your life will be dominated by a liberal use of medicants brought on by a shameful experience with a dead sloth. It would appear that you should keep your distance from any slow moving mammals. No?" Paquito manages with a straight face.

"Korg not know what that means, only word Korg know is slow." The giant explains

"Yes, and that is abundantly apparent to one well versed in the arts, such as myself, and it is easily identifiable from some distance I can assure you. No?" Paquito continues to pile it on.

Korg reaches his attention span limit, and gets up to go see how the vomiting elf is doing.

"Elfy need some of Korg nurturing?" Korg says while making squeezing motions with his hands

*blech*

"Errr, Elfy get Korg when Elfy not going to spill stomach on Korg boots." Korg says walking away

The quartet, with three full bellies and an emptying one, decide to continue to follow the path. After six hours of walking, the giants pick up the faint scent of burning wood upwind from them.

Pointing into the wind, the giants give Paquito a chance to peer through the cold day and spot dark smoke rising over a small hill to the northeast.

"Maybe they have better food?" Gronar wonders

"Korg think they have fire." Korg states

"Maybe they've got a soft bed?" Finrod whispers

"Maybe it's a gnomish harem. No?" Paquito asks

"Okay. Why would it be that?" Finrod asks

"Oh, I thought we were making up stuff. No? I mean obviously something large is on fire, why on earth would we assume it's benevolent?" Paquito responds

"Does Ben Evolent make good food?" Gronar asks the minotaur

"No, but his sister Ineeda Mann does. Perhaps you should go check it out. No?" Paquito instructs the hill giant on fine dining.

Gronar crawls to the hill's crest, and peers down below at a small fort that is on fire in several places. He sees that the front gate has been smashed in, and also in several places along the outer wall a breach is evident. Looking again at the interior of the fort, Gronar sees large hunched gaunt creatures rummaging through the wreckage.

Gronar returns to the group to report his findings.

"Sounds like trolls." Finrod states "How many did you see?"

Gronar stops and thinks for a moment and begins counting on his fingers. After recounting twice, Gronar settles on two as his final answer.

Finrod frowns "Probably means there's twenty." He replies

"Who would build a fort out here?" Paquito asks

"It has to be elven!" Finrod shouts and forces his weakened body to gallop towards the top of the hill.

Excellent writing, no?
You have got to keep this thing together, finish it and print it out as a book.
i haven't laughed so much reading a story since that book where the Orks find Marine weapons and turn into Marines, then take over the world.

What? Only two trolls? What could be the trouble? And there's even a big fire nearby.

I forsee another dead elf.

And maybe a replacement PC? Just thought of this, but a troll would fit right in with Korg and Gronar. I played a half-troll in a one-shot once that was pretty fun, even with the LA.

Nice one Hairy Minotaur, great writing.

The quartet, with three full bellies and an emptying one, decide to continue to follow the path

Click to expand...

Quote of the day for me. So yeah, miscount on trolls means trouble - but did the trolls start fires when they attacked?!? Defenders in desperation? A seige? A Baatezu! or maybe... or something... or... oh whatever. Tell me what happens.

Spider J

S'mores anyone?

Thanks for all the comments! I strive to appease.


Finrod races up the hill and stands on his toes, ignoring the waves of nausea that cascade through him.

Through a breach in the south wall, he can make out the front of a small church that still stands against the west wall near the gate. Large gangly creatures roam the interior of the fort. To Finrod they appear to be rummaging for something.

Over the cackling fires he can make out the barking of several dogs, probably still within their kennel, unable to be released during the onslaught.

Finrod in joined by the rest of the party, who stare down at the burning structure.

"Well, I count three trolls already just from way up here. No?" Paquito announces

"Yeah, I think there's a good chance there's between one and five we don't see." Finrod answers

"Something must be mighty important for them to be so close to those fires. Something making them forget thousands of years of fear." Paquito's thought trails off as he reflects what that could possibly be.

"Elfy want Gronar go see what trolls lost?" Gronar offers

"I wish we had Benat here so we could tell how many there were." Finrod wishes

"No need lady elfy, Gronar can tell by dung piles trolls leave. Just count piles, trolls not very clean." The hill giant says

"I still say it's a gnomish harem with ettercap guards. No?" Paquito announces

"No, don't think so." Finrod replies to the minotaur, then begins to descend the hill

"What plan are you preparing to unleash on these interlopers?" Paquito inquires

"I just want to get a closer look." Finrod answers

"Why not have Korg throw you over a wall then?" Paquito calls out as he watches the elf walk away.

Upon hearing that, Finrod turns around to see the giants discussing that option with respect to wind direction and speed. Korg then looks down at Finrod and gives a thumbs up sign. Finrod turns and runs to the burning fort.

"Elfy taking hard way again, guess Korg go save Elfy." The hill giant sighs

Finrod reaches the southern wall breach which is almost fifteen feet across, standing at the eastern side of the gap, Finrod peers inside. He can make out two trolls about thirty feet from him, they carry dead bodies that they then toss onto a huge blaze in the center of the fort.

Gronar and Korg reach Finrod and look over the damage.

*whistling* "These trolls very strong to rip open twigs like these." Gronar announces

Finrod ignores the insult and continues watching the trolls, trying to get an inkling as to what they're doing here.

After five minutes of watching wood burn, Gronar gets impatient.

"Gronar just going to go talk to trolls and see if they leave fort so we can eat good food." Gronar strides through the gap and into the fort

"No, Gronar wait!" Finrod speaks in a loud whisper

Gronar advances to a small gap between two burning piles of wood. A troll bisects the opening in the fort and Gronar calls out.

"Hey, stinky troll. Gronar want some food, you leave so Gronar eat?" The giant asks

"Leave here." a voice replies to Gronar's left that seems to come from a burning pile of building refuse.

"After Gronar eat, Gronar leave. First Gronar eat, then maybe leave. After Gronar eat, Gronar most likely not stay." The giant replies

...........

"Hey, Gronar talking to stinky troll. Gronar want to ea.." Gronar's words are drowned out, as a large burning form erupts from the burning pile and leaps on the giant.

Korg and Finrod flinch as the beast jumps from the fire. It's eyes are like burnt cinders, ashen and black at the same time. It's skin is reddish-orange akin to candle's flame. But there was no mistaking the shape of the beast, as they both knew it was a troll.

Gronar rolls over and pushes the troll off of him, Another troll leaps from behind Gronar, claws his back and sinks it's dirty teeth into Gronar's neck. The first troll hisses back at Gronar like water being poured of a flame. It snorts burning embers through it's nose, and then unleashes a stream of conflagration from it's mouth.

"Hmm, one would think that trolls would hate fire. No?" Paquito says, startling Finrod who hadn't noticed the minotaur's approach

"They're supposed to be, maybe they're not trolls?" Finrod conjectures

"Gronar, trolls hate fires." Korg shouts to his comrade after only hearing part of the conversation.

The fire breathing troll turns to face it's new threat, as the scorched Gronar throws off the troll on his shoulder and onto a bon fire. The troll rights itself and grabs a burning log as a club.

"Korg! Troll likes fire!" Gronar shouts

Finrod fires an arrow at the nearest troll, only to watch it burn up before reaching the creature, and falls harmlessly as ash and an arrowhead.

"I don't think these are normal trolls." Finrod clarifies

"No, I think they're faking. I bet they're really hurting on the inside. No?" Paquito comments.

Finrod spots the form of another troll through the smoke and heat shimmer exiting the fort through gate.

"I think we're about to have company, I'll try to head it off at the corner." Finrod says as he heads for the southwest corner of the fort.

"Ok, The great Paquito will support you in that endeavor with some timely placed bits of encouragement from this location. No?" Paquito waves as he retrieves some marshmallows from his backpack.

"Yum, nothing like grilling out. No?" Paquito asks himself

It just won't die!

Gronar splits the troll that was sitting on the burning pile next to him in half. Orange blood erupts over wood pile and onto the ground beneath it, the blood singes the grass and causes the unburned wood in the pile to catch fire.

Gronar takes a quick survey of his body to see if he inadvertently caught any blood spray. Satisfied that he wasn't on fire, Gronar stalked the fire-breathing troll ahead of him. However his eyes caught the slightest of movement to his immediate left and glancing over in that direction, Gronar found the black coal eyes of the bisected troll blinking back at him.

Korg stepped into the burning fort and was nearly overcome with the heat and lack of oxygen the large fires were creating. He wondered how Gronar managed to get so far into the fort without having any problems.

The fire-breathing troll turned his attentions to the lumbering giant cleric and hissed out a warning in Ignan that Korg didn't understand. Korg, unimpressed with the troll's posturing, Korg forces his spear through the troll's thick abdomen and out through the troll's back.

Deep in pain now, the troll reared back and breathed a stream of fire at Korg, covered the giant's bare arms in flames. Korg retracted his spear and quickly beat the flames off his singed arm hair.

Finrod leapt around the corner, sword drawn looking for the troll, only to find a barren landscape in front of him. Standing confused, Finrod assured himself that he had seen a troll escape from the fort through the front gate.

Paquito watched Korg dance with the troll and in-between melting marshmallows and prying the gooey substance from his teeth, the minotaur unleashed the odd magic missile into the troll. Every time one hit the creature, Korg would look back at the waving minotaur who gave Korg a thumbs up after each missile hit home.

Finrod looked back towards Paquito to see if maybe the troll changed his mind and decided to go the long way around the fort. Finrod tried to gain the minotaur's attention unaware that his query sat against the side of the fort watching, waiting for it's chance to leap.

Gronar slammed his greatsword into the head of the bisected troll a couple of times.

"Try and look at Gronar now stinky troll!" Gronar shouted at the beast, it's eyes had stopped blinking, but Gronar was sure they still burned with life.

Frustrated that he could not seem to kill the thing, Gronar began stomping on the torso-less troll.

"Go for the crotch Gronar!" Paquito shouted.

Korg speared the fire-breathing troll through the neck, and pulled the creature back to him. He then tore it's head off and kicked the body away. Turning back to face Paquito, Korg watched as the minotaur unleashed a couple of magic missiles into the decapitated head.

"Why do that? Korg pretty sure red troll is dead." Korg inquires

"I didn't like the way he mouth was twitching like that. No?" Paquito responds

The head continues to make hissing sounds from it's mouth, so Korg punches the head a couple of times.

"Shut-up troll. Korg put you in soup, then leave you here to hiss in Korg dung pile." The giant yells

Gronar walks up behind Korg carrying the tenderized head of his own conquest.

"What Pokey think kill stinky troll?" Gronar asked the intelligent one of the group

Paquito pondered that thought and decided that they needed to create makeshift spears from the rubble, and mount the heads on the shaft.

"Hopefully it'll slow the regeneration down enough that we'll be safely away before they come looking for us. No?" Paquito answered

"Pokey not know how to kill stinky troll?" Gronar inquires

"Well I would surmise that cold might do the trick, but alas I have no such means of producing.... wait I think I have just the thing." Paquito replies

After force feeding both heads two ray of frosts, Paquito was sure he had stopped the regeneration process. Smiling, Paquito looked on with great pride.

"Where elfy?" Gronar asked

Paquito shrugged his shoulders and pointed in the direction he last saw him at.

The trio rounded the corner to find a bloodied mass, who's wounds had been cauterized buy fire and heat.

"Is Elfy still alive?" Gronar asked his clerical friend

Korg bent over the elf and with a look of astonishment he announced that Finrod had indeed endured.

"Great, now my moral compass is acting up again. I guess we better save him. Baphomet knows I may need a meat shield at some point in the future. No?" Paquito says

"Gronar going to go see if twig place has any good eats, and maybe lots of gold, and maybe bigger sword, and maybe magic." Gronar announces as he heads back into the fort.

"Wait up! Don't leave me here with touchy feely and pukey. You may have need of my services as an appraiser. No?" Paquito calls out to Gronar.

So what's the deal with these trolls? Half-elemental, perhaps? Or otherwise planetouched?

You making use of some of the feats from Green Ronin's "Aasimar & Tiefling" for these guys?

You might as well tell me or I'll just keep guessing.

Well, actually they're from old 1 edition AD&D monsters that my old DM created almost 20 years ago, that I found while packing to move.

He had Fire trolls, Swamp trolls, Mist trolls, and Rock trolls.

I took the fire troll, and slapped a Magma elemental template on it (from Green Ronin's Advanced Beastary rules on creating templates)

I recommend this book greatly for messing with your PC's heads. Especially if you've got 2 other DMs playing.

It's truely amazimg how much Green Ronin stuff I use. I should probably go thank them for helping me terrorize my players.