Gregor's Judgement
Round 1: Match 5
UselessTriviaMan’s ‘
The Caretaker’s Gift’ vs. maxfieldjadenfox’s ‘
Let Sleeping Gods Lie’
[sblock=”my disclaimer”] I am humbled by the talent arrayed before me and I appreciate the opportunity to provide any kind of critique on your work. Having competed in Ceramic DM a couple of times myself, I know that it takes courage to put your thoughts down on paper and then hand that over for public scrutiny. Please keep in mind that my review and judgement of your work comes completely from my personal perspective and opinions. I am in no way a professional random-picture-driven-short-story reviewer. I also realize that in criticizing your stories I set myself up for your own counter judgement and critique (e.g. how can I judge your use of grammar when I make mistakes myself?). Please take my judgement with a grain of salt and know that I respect the creativity, hard work and imagination of everyone in this competition. And now, onto the judgements. [/sblock]
Writing Style & Skill
Again, another difficult choice between two really talented writers! I’m not even sure what I can critique in this section, but let us see how they compare as we go through each in detail.
The Caretaker’s Gift is, quite simply, very well written. There were no discernable typos or glaring grammatical issues. In fact, this may be the tightest story told so far from this judge’s perspective. I particularly enjoyed the modern speech in an ancient fantasy setting which reminded me of Scott Lynch’s ‘Lies of Locke Lamora’. In terms of style there was only one clunky section, but we’ll get to that a bit later.
Let Sleeping Gods Lie is equally well written and stands toe-to-toe in terms of being one of the tightest thus far. No obvious typos or other issues showed up on my radar and the flow was pretty good. There is a great blend of history and fantasy in this piece and the setting is really well put together and presented. There were also some minor style/flow issues, but we’ll discuss those below.
Not sure what else to say here other than both authors did a really good job in the writing department. This battle will need to be won in the next two categories.
Use of the Photo Elements
UselessTriviaMan, I think you did an admirable job of using the pictures in your story, though some were obviously better than others. The weakest of the bunch was probably the picture of your Suraiym, but that isn’t a critique since he becomes one of your main characters. Your use of the temple is very well done as the main setting in your story and I believed that it was an appropriate place of worship for the religion you created. Again, your use of the antler-lady was solid and I think you did a really good job of foreshadowing your use of the picture by explaining that the guards wear helms with antlers on them (only logical that she would have real antlers as the head priest). Lastly, the sphere-contraption was used well as a key plot piece and I like how you added a tinker gnome to flesh it out a bit.
Maxfieldjadenfox, I also think that you did a good job with the pictures you were given. The first scene with the use of the sphere-device to measure and chart star patterns was great and it would have made for a good illustration if I were reading your story in a journal or book. Like UselessTriviaMan you excellently foreshadow your picture of the lady with antlers. You show us the God Pashupati as having such antlers which legitimizes your use of the woman picture later on (and her as a character as well). Similarly with the old man, you introduce him and explain him as being in his white adornments, but you do not use the picture until later. Lastly, the temple was used really well as the setting of the showdown and I was impressed with how you used the carvings as your demons that come to life in the story. You took that extra step beyond just using the temple as a set piece.
At this point I still see two authors on equal footing. On a personal note, I am glad that the temple at Bantei Srey (30 minutes, as the motorbike drives, outside of Angkor Wat in Cambodia) helped to cultivate so much creativity out of you two. Having been there, on a scorching day a few years ago, I remember my nerd brain taking over and becoming inspired by the carvings. Thumbs up to both of you.
Personal Enjoyment
UselessTriviaMan, you gave us a good high fantasy story filled with magic, clerics, dwarves, street urchins, warriors, etc. It’s a chapter right out of a novel on a D&D campaign world – it even has darkvision!
. I really liked the religion you created with the Huntsmen, the Wild Hunt, etc. (I’ll probably be stealing that for my own campaign world, if you don’t mind). You crafted very believable characters who I thought were the strongest part of your tale. For example it was believable when Digger opens the wall in the cell by trying to dig it out with his trowel. We know from the very first scene that he compulsively does stuff like that, so there are no surprises when he just happens to figure a way out. I also think there were some great scenes in your tale. For instance, I really enjoyed the scene where they are hidden inside the wall, listening to the Gnome and the high priest. With the hand clasped over Digger’s mouth to keep him quiet and the image of peering through a pinhole of light, it was something you’d see in a good movie. On that same note however, there were also a few scenes that seemed a bit forced or rushed. In particular, we go from the death of Digger to the escape of the narrator to his anointment as the next Suraiym in record time. Because your pace for the rest of the story was much slower, the ending felt very hand waved. I think the piece would have been better served if there was some small hint towards the narrator's current position as a holy man at the beginning of the story (perhaps in the first paragraph where the narrator speaks of Digger’s death in the past tense). I would have been happy with another few hundred words if it meant that the ending was measured and more effective.
Maxfieldjadenfox, you put together a really great story that blended history, fantasy and mythology. I really enjoyed what you constructed here. In particular, I ate up the little things that fleshed out this mix, such as the building of a railroad over the ruins of an ancient and mystical temple in Pakistan in the late 1800s (though on a historical note, Lahore would have still been in Indian Punjab until 1947 … but it’s a fantasy story so let’s not get hung up on historical inaccuracies). The attention to detail here is great considering that you added in British colonials as well. Although this scene doesn’t really seem to progress to anything, other than a set piece for Gupta to find that stone, it is still really well done and excellently serves up the look and feel of the setting you are constructing. Your settings throughout the story are also equally well served by small details: the descriptions of the gods; the demons emerging from the temple walls; the incineration of the Devil Lord’s minions into ash; Gupta’s perception of the newly awoken God’s words as thunder on a sunny day; etc. These are all really excellent. However, from a flow perspective, things feel a bit rushed throughout the story: Hiran’s role; the appearance of the Devil Lord, the quick resolution of the battle, etc. Yet, I’m torn on this critique because I think this was the style you were going for: quick vignettes that tell a fully fleshed out story. Thus, I think that what I would normally perceive as a misstep, is actually a strength in the telling of your tale.
Final Verdict
Both of you came out swinging with very, very well-written stories. I enjoyed each and in all honesty, I struggled to find things to critique here (you can probably tell). I thought that both of you sort of rushed things along at the end, but you're equally adept at creating scenes, giving settings texture and giving the reader some believable characters. I read your stories multiple times, hoping to find something that would quickly sell me on the winner. That didn't happen. It still isn't happening. If I could defer on this one, I would. But since this is a 3 judge system, I cannot. Thus, I will go with my gut and choose the story that was marginally more entertaining than the other.
My vote goes to
Maxfieldjadenfox and I shall force the burden of the deciding vote onto Mirth.
