Judgment for Semifinal #2 - Cedric vs. Sialia
Maldur
Cerdic with a moody tale of proficy, death and a fresh hero
Sialia with a new adventure of the professor and his rowdy halfling companions.
For the better mood I award the laurel to Cedric.
Judgment: Cedric
arwink
Sialia – The Rose
This story works well on a number of levels, crafting layer upon layer in order to create mood and tension without ever tipping the storytellers hand. The re-use of the characters from the original story is a great call – they have a familiarity to both the audience and Sialia as a storyteller, and this tale gives them a greater sense of depth and history than their initial appearance had.
The best part of Sialia’s style here is summed up in the early stages of her story – it’s all freakishly normal. Despite being captured by mind flayers, the conflicts being faced by the characters tend towards something more real, more normal, and more accessible for the audience to understand. There is no need to wrap our minds around the fantasy aspects of Sialia’s story, it’s mostly there as window dressing for dealing with the halfling’s more human foibles.
My only real criticism of this story would be its introduction, where the story hasn’t quite found it’s feet and things are slightly muddled. The rapid-fire bursts of imagery in the first paragraph have an impact, but would be more effective with shorter, sharper sentences that jab at the reader. In many ways, the second paragraph seems a more natural beginning to the tale, setting up the world and situation much more clearly than the current opening.
Cedric – Untitled
I’m going to feel like a broken record saying this, but my two biggest problems with Cedric’s story were the dialogue and the lack of tension
There are some great elements here, and I’m a sucker for a good tragedy, but once again I think the tyranny of the time limit has thwarted the development of a very good story.
The dialogue here is less archaic than in Cedric’s first story, but it still lack’s the feel of people talking to one another. The primary problem lies in the fact that the two characters make declarative statements throughout the piece – they explain plot points and give background that is necessary for the reader, but unnecessary for two characters who are at home with the world. The effect is similar to watching a one-sided telephone call in a movie, where the person on the phone repeats everything the other person says in order to clue the audience into what’s going on (“What’s that, you want to meet at the old abandoned warehouse?” rather than “I’ll see you there.”). While it effectively pushes the plot forward, it does so with a lack of sophistication that tends to jar modern audiences.
The lack of tension here largely comes from not knowing what the characters have to loose. The ending here is something of a bittersweet payoff – a great closer for this kind of story – but we don’t get a great sense of foreboding from the earlier parts of the story and the exact nature of the characters relationship doesn’t become apparent until just before the loss is inflicted upon them.
The Judgment
I give this round to Sialia. Her layered story is well crafted and very effective, and it doesn’t feel as though the plot is being driven by the necessity of putting in the pictures. Cedric’s story contains a number of good elements that could be developed into a fine story, but the tyranny of Ceramic DM’s has struck it’s development and left it feeling rushed and in need of polishing.
Judgment: Sialia
mythago
Small quibble with both the stories: I know it's hard to avoid in fantasy, but it's easy to overdo Significant Capitals that denote Things of Interest, Portentious Doings and so forth. This isn't German.
Cedric - Untitled
OUT OF COMMAS STOP SITUATION DIRE STOP REPUNCTUATE IMMEDIATELY AS PER ORDERS FULL STOP
Just kidding. But I told you I was a snot about that stuff...there's a lot of punctuation missing, to the point where it makes the reading of the story difficult going.
There is a lot to like here. The difference in the characters' ages is unusual, but not remarked upon; it's merely interesting background, as it should be. I love their interaction, affectionate and familiar. I'm puzzled as to the later discussion about childbearing, though; the description (fine as it is) of her face in the mirror makes her sound nearly elderly, far past a time when having children would make sense. This of course makes the end of the story remarkable, but her conversation with Maxwell about finally having children doesn't therefore fit.
The dialogue also flubs at times; at one point Rose rolls her eyes, flusters and grits her teeth in the same sentence before getting a word out. And there is at times an unfortunate combination of the stilted and courtly and rough speech--either of which is fine, but together they jar. The use of the pictures was okay, though the serpent felt rather wedged in (and why did it kill Maxwell and then slither off, rather unsnake-like?).
The closing line about the rhubarb pie is exceptional.
Sialia - The Rose
The story reads like an unfinished chapter from a longer work, which, of course, it is, but as a Ceramic DM entry it needs to stand alone.
The opening is unfortunately weak. We don't know that Silvado is an illithid, so we have a mental (sorry) picture of him and his herd that changes once we learn what he is. The "iron over a handkerchief" line was awful--I had a mental picture of the boat hissing and sending up steam as it neatly pressed out all the creases. And the halflings being miraculously unhurt...well...
Things get better after this. There are some true gems in this story: the frontier colony, the fop Nourisher, the illithid Iron Chef competition. The entire sequence with Mirabelle is a truly inspired use of a photograph, though none of the others go to waste.
Other good things: Tarnby really shines. It would have been easy to get reader sympathy by killing off tough Mirabelle or sweet Lillabo, but Tarnby, who doesn't otherwise stand out, surprisingly fits perfectly into that role. Not so good: the mind flayers were able to anticipate/mindread most of the halflings' moves, but didn't foresee Lillabo's plan for the mushroom? It's a good end scene, but there's a continuity error.
Judgment: Sialia
